Betrayed, deceived by friend and wife.

[RightThere]

Did you ever go back and express your disgust with your counselor? I would have to find her, make an appointment, and then spit in her face.

 

I actually ran into her at a drug store a little while ago. It took everything in my power not to drop kick her to her face.

 

My wife had been seeing her for a while and knew everything. So later we attended as a couple for some sessions. Never remotely brought up the issue or anything in the ballpark.

 

One of the last sessions we had, my wife had been really upset and angry for a few days right before our session. In there, she was very combative and angry. I'm sure a lot was due to the guilt of cheating on me. Half way through the counselor ask me to wait in the lobby while she talked one on one with my wife.

 

I found out later on the counselor had literally told my wife "He's a really good guy. Don't let this one get away. You'll regret it." All the while knowing my wife was a serial cheater.

 

I haven't had much respect for counselors after that.

[Justanaverageguy]

This is classic example of a BH being so stunned, hurt, and ashamed of her cheating that he will sink into a deep denial of just what all of her lies and cheating mean to him and their relationship.

 

Your emotions are, and will be, all over the place for a while. Right now you really need to just get away from her manipulation and lies and take care of yourself. Try to face the reality of living with this woman every day, knowing what she did to you. The sex, the lies, the disrespect, and her overall selfish, disgusting behavior. Break through the denial and look honestly at the reality of what has actually taken place. And please find a counselor ASAP.

 

Yep agree 100%. This is pretty much what I said at the top of the thread.

 

Everyone here is giving him the right advice - cut all ties and leave. But I'm a guy who has been in this position with wife cheating shortly after we were married. Let me tell you the shock is not easy to take and the default emotion is to not want to let go and to save the marriage. To believe the BS your partner is trying to feed you. You have just made the biggest commitment of your life only to have this happen. Its earth shattering and your emotions are so screwed all you can feel is the pain of the loss and betrayal. Telling someone the right thing to do .... and them being able to process it and actually do it are 2 very different things.

 

That's why all I will say to deepalone is this. Take timeout. Cut ties with your wife for a while and allow this to properly sink in. Also speak to your lawyer. Even if you are not in a place where you are ready to file for divorce you need to protect yourself. Women in this position who have been exposed are thinking of only 2 things. Themselves and damage limitation. She may be playing the remorseful wife at the moment but let me tell you if they realize they can't cover this up and you are going to move on - the game changes big time. She will no longer be saying sorry ... she will be shouting from the rooftops how much of an Ahole you are. How you were a terrible husband, she will make up the most wildest and craziest stories to tell her friends and family to justify what she did. At the moment all she is doing is trying to put out the fire - to keep you quiet and keep a lid on the situation.

 

Look after yourself and find some people you can trust and lean on right now.

[Justanaverageguy]

My wife is been crying for the past 2 weeks, literally. She too has accepted the mistakes , but is not forthcoming with more details, Though she did accepted that the guy was interested in sex and repeatedly called her to his flat, according to her she didn't go coz it was the same apartment where we had met previously like 200 times.(i was sharing the same apartment with the guy , until my marriage). She said that she committed mistakes ,but never did crossed the line. By the way she was never really to much into sex, it was more dates, walks , movies for her.

 

Right now i don't want to kill this marriage because, lots of things are at stake. I mean our family ,friends ,colleagues would be aghast.

 

Please god don't believe this BS at all. They were having sex constantly. That's what an affair is. Do you think they went to the movies and held hands ? Are they in grade 3 ?

 

The comment about her not being that into sex is tell tale. Its not that she wasn't into sex. It is that she wasn't into sex with you. I would guess she probably started avoiding sex with you. Thats why a lot of men are so gobsmacked when this happens .... but my wife doesn't even like sex - why would she cheat ?? Face palm!

[petee]

FWIW, the person you say you loved to bits never existed. It was a notion, or perhaps a dream. Think hard about what you want, and more importantly what you don't want. It could be a painful 6-12 months or an even more painful eternity. The easy route, which gets hard, and the hard route which gets easier.

Lots of pros and cons, but IF it me, and reconciliation was to be the way forward I'd emotionally destroy her first. Give her a taste, not a meal, of what will happen if she does it again. Have revenge sex if necessary to get her thinking.

If you don't reconcile then don't do anything to further hurt her, be graceful. Walk away the bigger man, with pride and honour.

[NateGrey]

I just don't get how one cheats so soon after getting married. The relationship could not of been good when the marriage took place so why did she go through with it? Well, I guess probably because you were her meal ticket?

 

I guess I have to say that cheating in itself is selfish and deceitful. But cheating so soon after taking your vows? That is also sick and twisted. That is a kind of cruelty reserved for people you truly despise.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just don't get how one cheats so soon after getting married. The relationship could not of been good when the marriage took place so why did she go through with it? Well, I guess probably because you were her meal ticket?

 

One thing you see consistently here is how easily cheaters separate the logistics of life from the emotions of love and sex.

 

Provider/Companion/Childcare/Security = Spouse

 

Sex/Excitement/Validation = Someone Else

 

Since they see both sets of needs as equally important, easy for them to rationalize - at any time in the relationship - that they deserve both people to meet them. Most of us could never support such a value system but it sure seems to come naturally to some...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jbrent890]

My wife's first affair was right after we got married. Lasted about a year. I never found out about it, and we had two kids. 8 years later, she had another one, and I caught this one.

 

NOW I feel like I have to work on it, because we've got small children. But if I found out about the first one as it was happening, there's no way I would have stayed with her.

 

Hell, her father paid for the wedding, not mine. Pfft.

 

I thought you divorced your wife?

[jbrent890]

One thing you see consistently here is how easily cheaters separate the logistics of life from the emotions of love and sex.

 

Provider/Companion/Childcare/Security = Spouse

 

Sex/Excitement/Validation = Someone Else

 

Since they see both sets of needs as equally important, easy for them to rationalize - at any time in the relationship - that they deserve both people to meet them. Most of us could never support such a value system but it sure seems to come naturally to some...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And that is a reason why I feel a lot of men leave when they found out their wives cheated. If the only reason you stayed with me was because I'm a walking wallet, I would show you the door as well. Not to piss off any WWs but it amazes me how you give or gave so much more to a guy who only gives you nice words and flirty messages, but the guy who put a rock on your finger, gave you a house, and gave you children gets scraps from you sexually and emotionally. Even though I would have preferred she didn't cheat, I'm so thankful that my wife had a ONS as opposed to an affair. I swear if it was an affair, we would be in the process of getting a divorce.

[HurtHusband]

Three years is a long time. In a sense she was never really married to you..she was emotionally and sexually married to your friend. She was never faithful, no commitment. Same thing happened to me, I thought my wife was not interested in sex, and she had an affair with my friend! It's far worse for me, we have two young kids.

 

It's really horrible, but you are going through a very traumatic experience, realise that you will get over it and feel better. I like to watch shows like 'locked up abroad' on YT.

 

It helps me, when i see that people have been through far worse, more dangerous predicaments, you need to get through this and stay mentally tough.

 

And you have no kids, so just get your stuff and leave!! Tell the wife she can marry lover boy! Phone her parents and tell them too!! Book a holiday for yourself, go somewhere warm and sunny and meet some exotic women...you deserve some R and R....today is the first day of the rest of your life buddy...none of this is your fault, do not take it personally or go over to the dark side..you are probably a very decent, trusting, hard working bloke. The kind that many women would love to meet.

 

So, choose life, picture a beautiful woman in your mind and picture yourself with her...that's your future...leave your snake of a partner and loverboy far far behind!

Edited December 13, 2014 by HurtHusband

[spanz1]

"She said that she committed mistakes ,but never did crossed the line. By the way she was never really to much into sex, it was more dates, walks , movies for her."

 

Deepalone, everyone is pilling on here about her infidelity and sex she probably had. It is likely she did have sex, but the world is a strange place, maybe she is truthful that they did not have PIV sex (i.e. penis in vagina sex).

If you are thinking of staying with her, if i were you i would want to know what types of sex or physical contact (kissing, handjobs, massages, nudity, whatever) they had together. I would want all the details, the types of sex, the number of times, where it happened.

 

The problem is cheaters are excellent liars, so you can not trust anything that comes out of their mouthes.

 

But, SOME here have reported success with a polygraph test. not that the polygraph is so great, or infallible, but that they often get the full truth in the parking lot of the polygraph office as you are dragging them thru the door. SO maybe try that. Come up with 10 quesitons that are things you want to know and that will be a test of how much of the truth you are getting from her so far. Make the appointment. take her there, and see what happends. It is the only unequivocal data point you will get (other than the conversations you overheard).

 

have you asked her for a written timeline of the affair? that might be handy too.

 

also, you do not mention social media stuff. did you sherlock holmes her computer/phone for texts/pictures/emails/videos/browser history? often that gives you bits of info that fit into the puzzle. there are programs for recovering deleted emails and text chats...but the quicker you use them, the less corrupted the erased data will be.

 

good luck man! Once you are fairly convinced you have the full truth, THEN you can decide what to do.

Edited December 13, 2014 by spanz1

[Hobbes' wagon]

Please, google "No more mr. Nice guy free pdf" and read it! Find your balls, get an annulment, heal yourself and learn about relationships&psychology (read books such as "5 languages of love" and "Married man sex life primer"), learn to be happy on your own. Take care of your health, volunteer, build a network of good male buddies. In time, you'll find a girl who will respect you and will be better for you.

 

Best wishes