Betrayed, deceived by friend and wife.

[Deepalone]

I recently married the love of my life, we married after 8 years of courtship. Believe me when I say that everything was perfect until few days ago when i found that she has been cheating on me since 3 years, and this more or less continued after my marriage , until I discovered. The guy was my friend and came into our lives 4 years ago, he and my girlfriend were pretty friendly and he used to share his relationship details with my girlfriend, since his was a very troublesome relationship. I thought that he needed to talk to somebody and had no objections.But their talks became love and they carried their relationship right under my nose. I probably suspected a little, but felt embarrassed that how could I even think of that, since , he apparently and publicly treated her like an elder sister!. Nobody, not friends not family could have suspected that because ethically and religiously their relationship was not possible.

 

And mind it , i never gave her a chance to complain, never but since i was busy in studies and building a career, our relationship did plateaued after 3 or 4 years. But still during all those times, she cared for me,I know that, i mean she never gave me a chance to suspect, but I couldn't be with her all the time and the moment I started to live with her after marriage, I caught them. He lives near by and was coming to my house like ten times a day.

 

Both of them lied to me , deceived me and were in a full blooded romance , though after my marriage she did tried to stop him, but he didn't stopped and expected her to continue the affair.

 

To say that i am heartbroken would be cliched, I am dazed and utterly destroyed. I wish to continue my marriage but i keep on discovering new things about their relationship. because on being confronted she tried to give a very platonic color to their affair, I mean she says that through out those years he only kissed her! And was giving her attention and etc etc

 

I don't wish to know all the details, but I guess I do have the right to know at-least to what level of depravity did they fell.

 

 

What should I do.?

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. Your story is heartbreaking. You really did not have a marriage since she was constantly cheating on you and putting your health at risk for STD's during before and through your short marriage. She and your friend were obviously getting some perverse pleasure doing it right under your nose. Unfortunately you know that there had to be times that she was intimate with you after she had been with him. This is such a double betrayal that it is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you so why in the world would you wish to remain with her? Clearly you are in deep shock.

 

These are my following suggestions to you:

1. Immediately get tested for STD's.

2. Seek an annulment or divorce with a good attorney.

3. Make sure her family knows what she has done.

 

You have your whole live to live so please do not waste anymore of it on such a vile person who would take such delight in disrespecting you in such a horrible way. Please remember these following words:

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[PegNosePete]

I wish to continue my marriage but i keep on discovering new things about their relationship. because on being confronted she tried to give a very platonic color to their affair, I mean she says that through out those years he only kissed her! And was giving her attention and etc etc

Why would you wish to continue your marriage with a lying, cheating woman? She still hasn't even told you the full truth yet. Do you think there is any future to your marriage if she can't even be honest with you? What about trust, honesty and respect? She has NONE. It's impossible to rebuild a marriage unless she is 100% committed to it too, and she clearly isn't.

 

Here is what you should do. Cancel all credit cards that are in her name. Cancel all joint accounts. Totally cut her off financially. Make yourself totally independent. Tell her that you will not continue a marriage with no honesty or respect. Tell her that you will not be married to a cheater. Then file for divorce.

 

Maybe it will knock some sense into her, and she'll become recommitted to the marriage. Maybe it won't. But either way it's better than what you currently have - which is, you're simply a doormat and bankroll for a cheater.

Edited December 10, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Radu]

If you don't have kids, divorce.

 

She stabbed you in the back in the most heinous way, since there are a couple of 'extra's that add severity to the situation :

- your friend

- for 3yrs

I can understand a ONS, or even a small impetuous relationship, but 3yrs and putting such a good front ?

- for almost half of your relationship, she has been cheating on you ... as far as you know

 

Just leave and be paranoid, no sex ... definitely not without condom.

[SawtoothMars]

I don't wish to know all the details, but I guess I do have the right to know at-least to what level of depravity did they fell.

What should I do.?

 

I would file divorce while the assets are still easy to divide. Only after that would I decide whether the relationship was worth pursuing further.

 

However, this is your life. What do you want to do?

[jnel921]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Nothing in life is impossible. Your wife took on a friend 4 years ago that you should have objected to. Any person of the opposite sex complaining about their situation is only eyeballing and desiring what is right in front of them.

 

She introduced you to him probably to take away some of the guilt. I am surprised she went forward and married you. I am guessing he was at your wedding and who knows if they had the real honeymoon.

 

I think this deception is too deep and beyond repair. I doubt their relationship was limited to kissing. They are both lying to you.

 

I hope you have the strength to do what is right for you. They deserve each other.

 

Good Luck.

[Justanaverageguy]

What should I do.?

 

Been in a similar position - hurts to the core to realize someone you cared about who claimed to care about you could deceive and betray you in such an awful way. As to what to do .... you know what to do. You know you have to end the relationship and walk away. 3 year affair with a friend right under your nose. Deliberately deceiving and lying to you for that long. Then she didn't admit it or come clean .... it was only exposed because you found out. If you had not it would still be going on right now.

 

Its over - she showed you zero respect and you now have zero trust for her. In my opinion and from my experience there is no way back from that.

 

I know right now when it is fresh it is difficult to process. Every part of you is screaming that you don't want to loose her - that you don't want to give up the life you built. That you want to save the marriage. That is the normal response. If you read through the forums for a while you will come to learn that is the normal reaction for men who find out their partner cheated. They cry, they beg and they hope for their partner to stay. Compromise their values because they don't want to do what has to be done.

 

Right now when it is fresh you are not thinking clearly. Love does not turn on and off like a tap - it takes time for those feelings to fade - it takes time to process what happened. At the moment you are overwhelmed with the sense of loss but with time you will get clarity and see her actions for what they are and realize for both of your sakes it is best to move on.

 

I would advise to go no contact and file immediately for divorce.

[spanz1]

He lives near by and was coming to my house like ten times a day.

 

I mean she says that through out those years he only kissed her!

 

well that is a prety big problem right there. She is obviously lying about it, a man would not come over your house every day for years unless they were having sex.

 

Reconciliation only will work if she is TRULY remorsefull, and is completely honest with you about all the things she did. Only then do you have a chance of believing her in the future.

 

So if she keeps up this "we only kissed" malarky....i would say the marriage is irreparably damaged.

 

If you have to pull it out of her (by sherlock holmes-ing her computer/phone, using a VAR in her car/your house, or taking to get a lie detector test)...then she is obviously NOT being fully truthful with you.

 

If it were me, i would demand passwords to every device/social media site/app she has. If i found one site where she was on but did tell me about, or a burner phone, after that, it would be all over. I would ask for a detailed written timeline....then after i got it say "i have arranged for a polygraph test for you...if there is anything more to tell that you left out, I will find it out. Is there anything else you want to add?" Then i would carry thru with the polygraph--you might get a revealing "parking lot confession" out of it (the actual polygraph has mixed reviews!)

 

Good luck, be strong, dont let her tell you that you were in any way at fault. Do not let her trickle truth you...it will drive you mad.

Edited December 10, 2014 by spanz1

[No Limit]

Get a lawyer to get your marriage annulled. As soon as that's done, never let either of those two contact you ever again.

In the meantime, get your own place and get tested for STDs.

 

And don't let her manipulate you. With all due respect, but if you truly believe that in an affair that lasted for 3 years they only kissed, you're very naive and very stupid.

[BetrayedH]

She's lying. Minimizing the affair and "Trickle Truth" are part of the cheater's handbook.

 

It's one thing to forgive a truly remorseful wayward spouse. It's quite another to consciously choose a partner in life that still has no problem with lying to your face.

 

Ask her to leave. Then file for divorce. That's your best shot at waking her up from the fantasy where she can keep doing this crap. If she shows remorse sufficient enough for you to make an effort, you can always halt the proceedings. If she doesn't, you'll be on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Most of us betrayed husbands wish we had taken a firmer stance, to at least keep our dignity intact through an already difficult time. Counterintuitively, it actually gives you a better shot at reconciling. Begging, hoping, grasping at straws - they all make it worse. I hope you succeed where others have failed.

[aliveagain]

I recently married the love of my life, we married after 8 years of courtship. Believe me when I say that everything was perfect until few days ago when i found that she has been cheating on me since 3 years, and this more or less continued after my marriage , until I discovered. The guy was my friend and came into our lives 4 years ago, he and my girlfriend were pretty friendly and he used to share his relationship details with my girlfriend, since his was a very troublesome relationship. I thought that he needed to talk to somebody and had no objections.But their talks became love and they carried their relationship right under my nose. I probably suspected a little, but felt embarrassed that how could I even think of that, since , he apparently and publicly treated her like an elder sister!. Nobody, not friends not family could have suspected that because ethically and religiously their relationship was not possible.

 

And mind it , i never gave her a chance to complain, never but since i was busy in studies and building a career, our relationship did plateaued after 3 or 4 years. But still during all those times, she cared for me,I know that, i mean she never gave me a chance to suspect, but I couldn't be with her all the time and the moment I started to live with her after marriage, I caught them. He lives near by and was coming to my house like ten times a day.

 

Both of them lied to me , deceived me and were in a full blooded romance , though after my marriage she did tried to stop him, but he didn't stopped and expected her to continue the affair.

 

To say that i am heartbroken would be cliched, I am dazed and utterly destroyed. I wish to continue my marriage but i keep on discovering new things about their relationship. because on being confronted she tried to give a very platonic color to their affair, I mean she says that through out those years he only kissed her! And was giving her attention and etc etc

 

I don't wish to know all the details, but I guess I do have the right to know at-least to what level of depravity did they fell.

 

 

What should I do.?

 

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. The man was never your friend, he is a predator and needs to be exposed as such. Have you told his spouse, please do immediately. There can be absolutely no contact of any kind between them, are you and your wife still in the same home? Have your wife write out a full detailed timeline of every event that occurred between them, when, where, how many times, the acts, did it happen in your home and in your bed(you want to know the level of disrespect she has shown you). Are there children involved, any paternity issues, can you be sure you are the father?

 

Because you were just married and you discovered the affair and she didn't confess on her own you still don't know her real loyalty. Please talk to a lawyer, you need to understand your rights and you need to protect yourself financially. You may be better off having your marriage annulled but I think legally you need to act within a certain timeframe after discovery depending on the laws of your state or country. Stop sleeping with her for several reasons, first is get tested for all STD's because I can guarantee you they never used protection, second, depending on where you live, having sex with her after discovery may be seen as forgiveness by the courts.

 

She is a nasty one and together they showed you little to no respect, the deception was great and well planned because you never suspected a thing. A three year affair takes a lot of planning and a lot of deception to pull off. Call a lawyer find out about annulling your marriage rather than divorcing(the cost difference will be huge), get tested(both of you) the humiliation of the testing will act as a future deterrent for her. Don't do anything stupid like get her pregnant, wouldn't be the first time a wayward wife got pregnant to hold onto a husband. Google and read up on the 180 it will help you detach so you see yourself through this. I need to tell you that marriages with infidelity early on in the marriage rarely survive. Yours was the entire marriage. Why did she marry you if she was in love with her affair partner?

 

Tell her you will expect her to take a polygraph test so her timeline better be accurate.

Edited December 10, 2014 by aliveagain

[Ducky71]

Just the length of time this affair went on would be enough for me to just end it.

 

 

For your wife, to be so conniving and two faced, for YEARS AT A TIME should tell you all you need to know, let alone the fact that she was screwing someone else. She obviously has no conscience whatsoever, those who do would have been overcome with guilt, or in the very least felt some semblance of remorse, at the first dalliance, but not her.

 

 

Now that you know about it, she's minimizing everything, a pathetic attempt to save face, DON'T LET HER!!! If you really want to know details, push the subject, you deserve the truth, but if it were me, the actual details are a non starter and would probably just make you feel worse.

[aliveagain]

Pleas read my response to you under the cheating thread, I just discovered you posted on both cheating and infidelity. Bottom line, an annulment will save you a ton of money but it has to be done within a certain timeframe from time of discovery. Don't sleep with her, the courts will see that as forgiveness. Talk to a lawyer today and also get tested for all STD's, I guarantee you no protection was used. Expose them. Nothing short of a polygraph will be required because of the depth of her infidelity, there is no other way of knowing if you have the truth from her, you busted her, she never confessed or she'd still be banging him.

Edited December 10, 2014 by aliveagain

[JS84]

If you don't have kids, you need to divorce. If you do have kids, you should seriously consider divorce.

[Clay]

Divorce.

 

She is a cheater. This is not going to change no matter how much you love her and want it to change. There are so many other women out there how can you even justify it in your mind you should waste another minute with a looser.

 

Clay

[aliveagain]

Deepalone,

 

The deception here is just too great regardless of how much you love her. She should have confessed before she married you and given you the option of going ahead with the marriage or at least postponing it until you had time to get your thinking strait. They both knew your marriage was a sham but still allowed you to go ahead with it. The O/M and your wife continued the affair until you caught them even after you married her, B/S it was just kissing, get the testing done and please don't do anything stupid like get her pregnant. She wouldn't be the first wayward wife to trap her husband that way.

 

Get her to write out a full timeline of events, when, where, how often, who knew, did it happen in your home and in your bed. Tell her she will be given a polygraph test so to be sure she gives you all the truth. There can be no contact between them after all, they have had 4 years to rehearse their story in the event you discovered the infidelity, they need no further collaboration. Are children involved, is there any paternity issue?

 

You marriage has a foundation built on deceit and infidelity, the chances of it surviving successfully are probably less than you dying from a bazar tap dancing accident. Exactly, not very likely. Annulment is your best bet and this will be the cheapest it will ever cost you to get out of this train wreck your wife has put you into. Your former friend is one issue, your wife is your main issue, she was more than willing to allow a predator into your relationship, she was a willing participant and spent a lot of time planning with the other man against you. She shared your secrets with him. She is very poor wife material, she tainted your sanctuary, you can do better as harsh as that may sound now. Do not let her minimizing, trickle truth dictate your healing, take control and get legal advice immediately. None of this is your fault, don't settle because of fear.

[Deepalone]

Thanks everybody, let be more clear with details, i don't have kids, its not even a year since I married.

 

After i discovered the affair, I wrote the most scathing, disturbing mail to the guy, next day he came to me crying like a baby. he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, and accepted his mistake. I obviously was disgusted with him.

 

my wife is been crying for the past 2 weeks, literally. She too has accepted the mistakes , but is not forthcoming with more details, Though she did accepted that the guy was interested in sex and repeatedly called her to his flat, according to her she didn't go coz it was the same apartment where we had met previously like 200 times.(i was sharing the same apartment with the guy , until my marriage). She said that she committed mistakes ,but never did crossed the line. By the way she was never really to much into sex, it was more dates, walks , movies for her.

 

Right now i don't want to kill this marriage because, lots of things are at stake. I mean our family ,friends ,colleagues would be aghast.

 

Actually i don't know what i want to do. Seriously , 3 years is a long time.

[PegNosePete]

Dude, BAIL. She is a lying cheat. You don't have kids and she has been cheating on you for 3 YEARS! Where is your self respect? Where is your dignity? She is not a decent person and will not change. Now is the best time to bail. If you take her back it will happen again and again, and it will be harder to bail in the future when your assets are larger, more merged and you maybe have kids. Now is the time to get rid of this lying cheat from your life. If you wait it will onlyy get harder.

[Deepalone]

Thanks everybody, let be more clear with details, i don't have kids, its not even a year since I married.

 

After i discovered the affair, I wrote the most scathing, disturbing mail to the guy, next day he came to me crying like a baby. he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, and accepted his mistake. I obviously was disgusted with him.

 

my wife is been crying for the past 2 weeks, literally. She too has accepted the mistakes , but is not forthcoming with more details, Though she did accepted that the guy was interested in sex and repeatedly called her to his flat, according to her she didn't go coz it was the same apartment where we had met previously like 200 times.(i was sharing the same apartment with the guy , until my marriage). She said that she committed mistakes ,but never did crossed the line. By the way she was never really to much into sex, it was more dates, walks , movies for her.

 

Right now i don't want to kill this marriage because, lots of things are at stake. I mean our family ,friends ,colleagues would be aghast.

 

And I did discovered the affair using technology, I actually was able to listen to their conversation, the guy was crying since my wife was refusing to continue the relationship,but she didn't do this on her own, I gave her certain feelers that I am getting suspicious. Apparently the guy was more disturbed that his illicit affair was coming to an end, words such as 'its over' , 'its finished 'could be heard from the guy. The girl was only sobbing, and sort of trying to console the guy.

 

The guy has apologized to me like 100 times and says that he wants to apologize to my wife also,, because one thing that I know for sure is that he was the one pushing her through out those 3 years, and they did had several 'breakups' because apparently they were realizing that its wrong but time and again they relapsed.

 

Actually i don't know what i want to do. Seriously , 3 years is a long time.

[Deepalone]

And I discovered the affair using technology, I actually was able to listen to their conversation, the guy was crying since my wife was refusing to continue the relationship,but she didn't do this on her own, I gave her certain feelers that I am getting suspicious. Apparently the guy was more disturbed that his illicit affair was coming to an end, words such as 'its over' , 'its finished 'could be heard from the guy. The girl was only sobbing, and sort of trying to console the guy.

 

The guy has apologized to me like 100 times and says that he wants to apologize to my wife also,, because one thing that I know for sure is that he was the one pushing her through out those 3 years, and they did had several 'breakups' because apparently they were realizing that its wrong but time and again they relapsed.

[Clay]

Your friends family and everyone else is not your problem. Sure they would all be sad but you might find they would be incredibly supportive of you. If you think this is over with then your just fooling yourself. People do not carry on a affair for years and just stop. She clearly loves him and the best thing you can hope for at this point is she just leaves you for him. Sadly you do not have the strength to protect yourself so your going to need a push. She cheated in you at the most special time in your life and you think she will be faithful to you one things are not so great? You need to wake up and realize your marriage is already over with.

 

The only reason she is crying is because she got caught. Your friend is not the only one that screwed you over. The person you love and wanted to spend your life with is the one that stuck the knife in your back.

 

I wish you both the best of luck.

 

Clay

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Right now i don't want to kill this marriage because, lots of things are at stake. I mean our family ,friends ,colleagues would be aghast.

 

 

So what? It's your life, not theirs. Believe me...they'd understand.

[PegNosePete]

Tell the guy to take a hike. Tell him you never want to hear from him again. His "guilty conscience" is his own problem.

 

Tell your wife that if she ever speaks to the guy again, you will immediately file for divorce.

[aliveagain]

Thanks everybody, let be more clear with details, i don't have kids, its not even a year since I married.

 

After i discovered the affair, I wrote the most scathing, disturbing mail to the guy, next day he came to me crying like a baby. he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, and accepted his mistake. I obviously was disgusted with him.

 

my wife is been crying for the past 2 weeks, literally. She too has accepted the mistakes , but is not forthcoming with more details, Though she did accepted that the guy was interested in sex and repeatedly called her to his flat, according to her she didn't go coz it was the same apartment where we had met previously like 200 times.(i was sharing the same apartment with the guy , until my marriage). She said that she committed mistakes ,but never did crossed the line. By the way she was never really to much into sex, it was more dates, walks , movies for her.

 

Right now i don't want to kill this marriage because, lots of things are at stake. I mean our family ,friends ,colleagues would be aghast.

 

And I did discovered the affair using technology, I actually was able to listen to their conversation, the guy was crying since my wife was refusing to continue the relationship,but she didn't do this on her own, I gave her certain feelers that I am getting suspicious. Apparently the guy was more disturbed that his illicit affair was coming to an end, words such as 'its over' , 'its finished 'could be heard from the guy. The girl was only sobbing, and sort of trying to console the guy.

 

The guy has apologized to me like 100 times and says that he wants to apologize to my wife also,, because one thing that I know for sure is that he was the one pushing her through out those 3 years, and they did had several 'breakups' because apparently they were realizing that its wrong but time and again they relapsed.

 

Actually i don't know what i want to do. Seriously , 3 years is a long time.

 

Friend don't let their crocodile tears fool you. Again, you caught them, they didn't confess so don't buy into their bullsh*t. They had years to get their stories straight. Every excuse you just made for your wife didn't stop her, she still kept the affair going. They don't want the shame of what they have done to be made know because people will see them for what they really are, cheaters, deceitful, liars and an adulteress. Please talk to a lawyer, order a polygraph test for her. If you are actually considering remaining in a relationship with her after this much deceit than you need to protect yourself. Have a lawyer prepare a post nuptial agreement giving you all assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity with him or anyone else.

 

Do not let other man remain as a friend, he is nothing but a predator. Your wife was in a relationship with you for 4 years when she allowed him into her heart and continued to deceive you for 3 years as his mistress. She was his mistress when she swore her vows to you so what did her vow really mean, very little. My recommendation is to walk away, do not let your heart lead you, use your head. Take time away from her, have her move back in with her parents while you think about your options and get legal advice. She needs years of counselling because something is very broken in her. What country are you in?

[stillafool]

She said that she committed mistakes ,but never did crossed the line. By the way she was never really to much into sex, it was more dates, walks , movies for her.

 

Please don't make the mistake of thinking she only kissed this guy because more than likely they have had full on sex for a number of years. Maybe if they had only been in the relationship a month or two I might believe they only kissed, but no way in a 3 year affair. Tell her you have set up a lie detector test for her and give her a date. Watch her reaction. You say she has never liked sex that much but has it occurred to you that the reason for this is she was having her sexual needs met by this younger man. A younger man is definitely going to push for sex so please don't believe they haven't been knocking boots.

 

Right now i don't want to kill this marriage because, lots of things are at

stake. I mean our family ,friends ,colleagues would be aghast.

 

Who cares? What is more important to you to save face with your friends, family and collegues or to be in a relationship with a woman you can trust? She has proven that she can lie right under your nose for 3 years straight and even after the wedding without batting an eyelash. Would you feel confident starting a family with a woman you can't trust? You can't even go out of town on a business trip for goodness sake.

 

Actually i don't know what i want to do. Seriously , 3 years is a long time.

 

Yes, 3 years is a long time to lie, cheat and then marry your partner. How selfish of her.