What is wrong with me?

[rayman]

I'm not sure what kind of a person I am. I would like to think that I love and care for my girlfriend of 2 years, I like to think that I support her and that things are good but there's this feeling.

 

Every time she goes off and do something new, it makes me feel somewhat irrational and condescending... not only that but I feel like such a douche. When she gets a job at a new place, it makes me worry about other people she will be interacting with, guys most likely. I know this makes me sound like a tool, but I have spoken to her about it. I try to keep a smile on my face and to encourage her but it makes me feel guilty inside.

 

Recently, she's been looking at doing a course about an hour away from town and I know for a fact that this is the foundation of what she wants to do for her career (she wants to work with animals) yet, I feel the feelings I describe above. I hate that I feel this and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

Any advice?

[SawtoothMars]

Any advice?

 

Yeah. I think this likely comes from low self esteem. You need to get a social life of your own going, and maybe a better job. Also... stay in shape if you are not doing this already. With those things going these feelings will fade.

 

On the other hand... I was rocking and rolling at life, but still struggled with these kinds of feelings with my ex wife. Turns out it was just my gut trying to tell me she was a lowlife cheat. Once I got rid of her... never had the problem again.

[rayman]

Yeah. I think this likely comes from low self esteem. You need to get a social life of your own going, and maybe a better job. Also... stay in shape if you are not doing this already. With those things going these feelings will fade.

 

On the other hand... I was rocking and rolling at life, but still struggled with these kinds of feelings with my ex wife. Turns out it was just my gut trying to tell me she was a lowlife cheat. Once I got rid of her... never had the problem again.

 

So self-esteem is the issue here, huh? :\

 

I thought after I finished high school I was past that. As for being in shape, I used to do boxing every thursday afternoon earlier this year but that really hasn't worked out as of late... I do hope it's not the second one because I don't believe she's that type of person.

[d0nnivain]

You need to transform how you talk to yourself (that little voice inside).

 

 

Make this your new mantra: A rising tide lifts all ships. What it means is that as things get better for her, (a new job, her course etc) things will get better for you both. When you embrace change as something positive you will feel less insecure about.

 

 

There will always be people of the opposite sex in the world & everyone has to recognize that their SO will interact with new people.

[rayman]

The few people who I have spoken to about it have told me that. I used to keep a journal back in school and I have even received counselling and while needles s to say, it did help but lately, it seems to have all gone to square one.

 

Does it speak for our relationship or does it say what kind of a person I am? There's a lot that I have been through with this girl and I just don't feel right feeling like this.

[angel.eyes]

It may be that deep down you're worried that as she improves herself, she'll outgrow you and leave you for someone "better"--one of the men she meets in her new path.

 

That concern is more about you than her. It's really about your self-esteem. The good news is you're introspective and recognize there's an issue. What are you doing to grow and improve...for you? Are there new things that you could learn, etc. Focus on improving yourself and that will help you feel better about yourself. You'll be more self-confident and secure.

 

Also, you mentioned that you suffered from this in high school and benefited from counseling. Consider counseling sessions again.

[nofeelings22]

I'm going to take the other road here.

 

While all the advice here is correct and proper, in my experience in life (I've got lots of experience), these times of growth are precisely when women decide to switch men .

 

Your fears are not unfounded.

 

This happened to me (for the millionth time in life) 2 days ago. A girl I have been seeing for a long time is in a 12 week yoga instructor certification and spiritual boot camp where you live in the ashram for 12 weeks. Naturally, they suggested she stop seeing me and she has listened.

 

Any time women go through periods of growth, they are very prone to changing guys.

 

You might get lucky, you might not.

 

However, you can't look stupid and be afraid of it in her eyes. Be confident in yourself, treat her well and hope it doesn't happen to you. Watch for the signs, but take no action and don't be all weird about things or you will drive her away.

 

It's a fact, in my experience, that this stuff is a huge danger to any relationship though.

[rayman]

To the previous two posters, it is indeed one of the things I worry about. Truth be told, I left school to pursue a Diploma in Information Technology (through an online course), and so far, I am behind in this course trying to catch up.

 

I guess, it is in relation to my insecurities, the fear that she'll find someone better than me. We have ups and downs, but through all of that we have survived and endured and I'm just scared that one day, that might not be the case.

[rayman]

SO I spoke to her, she is listening but it doesn't seem she understands. Is it wrong to expect more or is this natural?

[Gloria25]

I'm going to take the other road here.

 

While all the advice here is correct and proper, in my experience in life (I've got lots of experience), these times of growth are precisely when women decide to switch men .

 

Your fears are not unfounded.

 

This happened to me (for the millionth time in life) 2 days ago. A girl I have been seeing for a long time is in a 12 week yoga instructor certification and spiritual boot camp where you live in the ashram for 12 weeks. Naturally, they suggested she stop seeing me and she has listened.

 

Any time women go through periods of growth, they are very prone to changing guys.

 

You might get lucky, you might not.

 

However, you can't look stupid and be afraid of it in her eyes. Be confident in yourself, treat her well and hope it doesn't happen to you. Watch for the signs, but take no action and don't be all weird about things or you will drive her away.

 

It's a fact, in my experience, that this stuff is a huge danger to any relationship though.

 

Agreed ^^ and I know I'm gonna get slammed for what I'm "also" gonna say - which is, this is the downfall of the women's movement.

 

The more money, power, independence that a woman gets - it pulls her away from her man and/or family. She no longer "needs" a man. Also, instead of nurturing the home, they spend more time in the workplace and bond with other people and develop a misplaced sense of "my marriage sucks" thing - when that is not the case. The case is that they spend so much time at the workplace (8 hrs a day/40 days a week), that more energy is put there and they stop doing things to nurture their marriage.

 

But, at the end of the day - regardless of the growth or a partner and/or the women's movement - it boils down to your partner. Yes, IMO, people who marry too young may end up with some who "grows up" and realizes that you are not what they really wanted/needed in a mate. But, then in any RL, life happens - people change and the key is "growing together, not growing apart". But, as an example: if you are exercising and taking care of your body and your mate just wants to waste away on the couch, then they apparently don't want to grow with you.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Gloria25

[Got it]

Agreed ^^ and I know I'm gonna get slammed for what I'm "also" gonna say - which is, this is the downfall of the women's movement.

 

The more money, power, independence that a woman gets - it pulls her away from her man and/or family. She no longer "needs" a man. Also, instead of nurturing the home, they spend more time in the workplace and bond with other people and develop a misplaced sense of "my marriage sucks" thing - when that is not the case. The case is that they spend so much time at the workplace (8 hrs a day/40 days a week), that more energy is put there and they stop doing things to nurture their marriage.

 

But, at the end of the day - regardless of the growth or a partner and/or the women's movement - it boils down to your partner. Yes, IMO, people who marry too young may end up with some who "grows up" and realizes that you are not what they really wanted/needed in a mate. But, then in any RL, life happens - people change and the key is "growing together, not growing apart". But, as an example: if you are exercising and taking care of your body and your mate just wants to waste away on the couch, then they apparently don't want to grow with you.

 

This need to feel better than your significant other is not going to be tied to the women's movement. This is an issue BOTH genders deal with, as individuals, that we want to keep others under our thumbs to not trigger our own insecurities. This is what every abusive individual feels and says when they are hammering down others.

 

I must say I am SHOCKED to see someone correborating/supporting this post as anything other than a mental health concern and attempting to blame it on women. How are you even seeing gender play a factor in this? This is about mental health.

 

And it is a sad state of affairs that you, or anyone, feels that women want men solely because of material needs and that is the biggest thing a man brings to the table. And that because women work they are not able to focus on their marriage. That is saying that because men have worked, they have never nurtured their marriages. And that is untrue and frankly insulting to men.

 

You are right. I don't "need" my husband. And he is happy about that. I want him, I love him, and I am with him because of the amazing human being that he is and because I love him for everything about him and not his wallet. And the beauty is, he knows this without question because I don't need the money.

 

And I think that is far more flattering and healthy.

[toscaroscura]

Agreed ^^ and I know I'm gonna get slammed for what I'm "also" gonna say - which is, this is the downfall of the women's movement.

 

The more money, power, independence that a woman gets - it pulls her away from her man and/or family. She no longer "needs" a man. Also, instead of nurturing the home, they spend more time in the workplace and bond with other people and develop a misplaced sense of "my marriage sucks" thing - when that is not the case. The case is that they spend so much time at the workplace (8 hrs a day/40 days a week), that more energy is put there and they stop doing things to nurture their marriage.

 

But, at the end of the day - regardless of the growth or a partner and/or the women's movement - it boils down to your partner. Yes, IMO, people who marry too young may end up with some who "grows up" and realizes that you are not what they really wanted/needed in a mate. But, then in any RL, life happens - people change and the key is "growing together, not growing apart". But, as an example: if you are exercising and taking care of your body and your mate just wants to waste away on the couch, then they apparently don't want to grow with you.

 

I agree about growing together and keeping yourself up, but...

 

The problem I have with this view point is it puts the onus entirely on the woman as to whether her marriage succeeds or fails. Men can be whole people. They can have full time jobs and be fathers, and go to work every day, yet no one says they aren't "nurturing their home" or bad fathers if they do. In fact, to suggest to a man that he fritter his life away "nurturing a home" above all else is laughable, because when applied to a man, that choice becomes glaringly restrictive. But since women aren't whole people, they can't enjoy all that life has to offer. Their focus must be the home? Why?

 

Why is it so dangerous for a woman to bond with other people at work but not so a man? Presumably he would be doing this as well. It just rings of "better keep her in the house, because if she sees all that life has to offer I won't be able to make her stay!" It's insecure.

[nofeelings22]

SO I spoke to her, she is listening but it doesn't seem she understands. Is it wrong to expect more or is this natural?

 

 

You can't control this.

 

Back off 100% before you blow it. Seriously.

 

Just try to show her a good time. Show her why you're better than all the shiny new things.

 

There is nothing else you can do.

[Gloria25]

I agree about growing together and keeping yourself up, but...

 

The problem I have with this view point is it puts the onus entirely on the woman as to whether her marriage succeeds or fails. Men can be whole people. They can have full time jobs and be fathers, and go to work every day, yet no one says they aren't "nurturing their home" or bad fathers if they do. In fact, to suggest to a man that he fritter his life away "nurturing a home" above all else is laughable, because when applied to a man, that choice becomes glaringly restrictive. But since women aren't whole people, they can't enjoy all that life has to offer. Their focus must be the home? Why?

 

Why is it so dangerous for a woman to bond with other people at work but not so a man? Presumably he would be doing this as well. It just rings of "better keep her in the house, because if she sees all that life has to offer I won't be able to make her stay!" It's insecure.

 

Because men handle the workplace different than what a woman would. Men would work picking up garbage, in coal mines, etc. cuz their motivation is to provide and protect for their woman and family. That's built into the male biology. They see work as a "means to an end". Men look forward to coming home to a lovely wife, a good meal, and their kids. Men stray in the workplace and/or stay out after work when they don't have something warm and inviting to come home to.

 

Women are more emotional. That's why it's easier for women to "slip" if you will, at the workplace. Bonding, forming connections with others is what women are made of. We are the matriarchs. We keep families and the community together. Different roles.

 

And yes, even today, where women have independence - they still depend on men as the primary breadwinner or the "partner" they need to pay their bills. Women, unless they're making big bucks, cannot afford to maintain kids and a job on their own. They still need a man. Look at Hillary Clinton. She walks around like she's the big woman on campus, yet she used her husband's name to get where she is today.

 

And yes, the old saying "happy wife, happy life" still exists. Women have a lot of power. If they feel they have a "better purpose" in life than to cook, clean, and/or care for their kids, it will destroy a family.

 

I think raising kids and maintaining a home is a job that you cannot put a price on - and way more valuable than the workplace. I don't care how educated you are and/or how hard you work. At the workplace, the day you leave, you CAN BE REPLACED. But no one can replace you as the mother of your kids and the woman your husband wants to make love to.

[toscaroscura]

Men can be replaced too! But that's capitalism for ya.

 

I might believe you about men and their supposed biological drive to work stoically supporting their families, but life just doesn't bear that out. Plenty of men form social circles via work, they have affairs, they get invested too! I know of husbands who find more fulfillment hanging out with their work peers and/or buddies than at home.

 

"If they feel they have a "better purpose" in life than to cook, clean, and/or care for their kids, it will destroy a family."

 

I guess we are just going to have to disagree here. I find this statement to be panicky and reactionary. It's all a bunch of hand-wringing masking insecurity of having women out there, participating in life. I'm a mother too, but there's a lot more to my world than resigning myself to live my life a slave in the home, with no independence, no education, no inner world beyond the needs of other people. I think it's a good thing for children to know their mothers are full people, who have depth to them besides cooking turkeys and cleaning messes and soothing egos.

[toscaroscura]

Oh and another thought to add. The sad fact of parenting means that in a very short while (relatively, lifespan-wise), my son will be grown up and moving on to his own life. If my reason for being is merely to cook, clean and care for him, with literally no other interests, where does that leave me? I have the rest of my life to spend with myself. I want a full life full of depth and opportunities. I want education and a career and the fulfillment they bring. And it wouldn't be fair for me to yoke my son to my side when he's an adult. I WANT him to go live his life and be sure that his mom can take care of herself.

 

I was a fully-formed human before I had him, and I will be one when he's grown. I'm one now! He is currently my highest priority, but I do work and have friends and a life. And I won't ever be ashamed of that, any more than a male human should be!

 

The same applies to a husband. Men can and do leave. Life is not pretty for the homemaker that has cultivated no world beyond her home or husband, if she finds herself alone, and with no education or job prospects.

[Got it]

Because men handle the workplace different than what a woman would. Men would work picking up garbage, in coal mines, etc. cuz their motivation is to provide and protect for their woman and family. That's built into the male biology. They see work as a "means to an end". Men look forward to coming home to a lovely wife, a good meal, and their kids. Men stray in the workplace and/or stay out after work when they don't have something warm and inviting to come home to.

 

Women are more emotional. That's why it's easier for women to "slip" if you will, at the workplace. Bonding, forming connections with others is what women are made of. We are the matriarchs. We keep families and the community together. Different roles.

 

And yes, even today, where women have independence - they still depend on men as the primary breadwinner or the "partner" they need to pay their bills. Women, unless they're making big bucks, cannot afford to maintain kids and a job on their own. They still need a man. Look at Hillary Clinton. She walks around like she's the big woman on campus, yet she used her husband's name to get where she is today.

 

And yes, the old saying "happy wife, happy life" still exists. Women have a lot of power. If they feel they have a "better purpose" in life than to cook, clean, and/or care for their kids, it will destroy a family.

 

I think raising kids and maintaining a home is a job that you cannot put a price on - and way more valuable than the workplace. I don't care how educated you are and/or how hard you work. At the workplace, the day you leave, you CAN BE REPLACED. But no one can replace you as the mother of your kids and the woman your husband wants to make love to.

 

What utter and sexist hogwash. This insults both genders.

[preraph]

The few people who I have spoken to about it have told me that. I used to keep a journal back in school and I have even received counselling and while needles s to say, it did help but lately, it seems to have all gone to square one.

 

Does it speak for our relationship or does it say what kind of a person I am? There's a lot that I have been through with this girl and I just don't feel right feeling like this.

 

It is about you and your insecurities, not so much about your relationship, though if you don't make yourself not act out about your insecurities, you will cause your worst fear to happen. Continue to get counseling for this; but meanwhile, pull out your inner core and force yourself not to react to this stuff in any way she can notice so you don't sabotage the relationship. As you said, a good partner is a supportive one. No amount of worry or monitoring can prevent a person from leaving or cheating if that is what they are going to do, but acting insecure and suspicious and jealous for no reason is a very fast way to make someone decide to leave. So excercise your self-control until you get this all under control for the long term. Good luck!

[Got it]

The New Trophy Wife | Kristen Houghton

 

And this is true in work and dating. Hiring/surrounding yourself with better people only makes you look better and raising your bar. It will challenge you, reward you and make you expect more from yourself. The biggest mistake supervisors make is feel threatened by others so only hire people that know less than them.

 

Don't be threatened by her, revel in it.

[Ebelskiver]

Because men handle the workplace different than what a woman would. Men would work picking up garbage, in coal mines, etc. cuz their motivation is to provide and protect for their woman and family. That's built into the male biology. They see work as a "means to an end". Men look forward to coming home to a lovely wife, a good meal, and their kids. Men stray in the workplace and/or stay out after work when they don't have something warm and inviting to come home to.

 

Women are more emotional. That's why it's easier for women to "slip" if you will, at the workplace. Bonding, forming connections with others is what women are made of. We are the matriarchs. We keep families and the community together. Different roles.

 

And yes, even today, where women have independence - they still depend on men as the primary breadwinner or the "partner" they need to pay their bills. Women, unless they're making big bucks, cannot afford to maintain kids and a job on their own. They still need a man. Look at Hillary Clinton. She walks around like she's the big woman on campus, yet she used her husband's name to get where she is today.

 

And yes, the old saying "happy wife, happy life" still exists. Women have a lot of power. If they feel they have a "better purpose" in life than to cook, clean, and/or care for their kids, it will destroy a family.

 

I think raising kids and maintaining a home is a job that you cannot put a price on - and way more valuable than the workplace. I don't care how educated you are and/or how hard you work. At the workplace, the day you leave, you CAN BE REPLACED. But no one can replace you as the mother of your kids and the woman your husband wants to make love to.

 

All of this is such BS. Nevermind that the world is NOT black and white, but science and statistics easily state that women are the primary caregivers in 60% of US households. Also men are and always have been more likely to cheat. So much for women being more emotional, men are just hornier.

 

This idea that there was some mythical time when men and women lived in perfect harmony when men were the perfect providers and women sat at home birthin babes and canning pears is ridiculous. Life is better now for women, and for men than it ever has been in the history of time. If a man is such a weak, sniveling, nincompoop that his fragile ego is bruised because a woman dares to pursue interests that stimulate her mind outside of the house, then he deserves to be left. I'd rather be with a man who is confident in himself and revels in my passions as I revel in his. If my husband wants to take up pole dancing in a class full of 25yo's, guess what.........I'd be happy for him and support him. That's what honesty and trust in a relationship is like. Adults are able to recognize and attractions to others and, surprise, surprise.....discuss them with each other and defuse the situation.

[coolheadal]

I'm not sure what kind of a person I am. I would like to think that I love and care for my girlfriend of 2 years, I like to think that I support her and that things are good but there's this feeling.

 

Every time she goes off and do something new, it makes me feel somewhat irrational and condescending... not only that but I feel like such a douche. When she gets a job at a new place, it makes me worry about other people she will be interacting with, guys most likely. I know this makes me sound like a tool, but I have spoken to her about it. I try to keep a smile on my face and to encourage her but it makes me feel guilty inside.

 

Recently, she's been looking at doing a course about an hour away from town and I know for a fact that this is the foundation of what she wants to do for her career (she wants to work with animals) yet, I feel the feelings I describe above. I hate that I feel this and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

Any advice?

 

Sounds like your scare, she would leave you for someone else? If your have a strong tight relationship with her you don't have to fear anything would change. Now does she love you or is she in love with you? This is what you need to focus on because both are completely different. Second one is the most important one because right there you don't have to live in fear that she would drop you for someone better than you when she tries to better herself. The first one is also attached and both are very important.

 

If she just loves you and not in love with you then know things could change around? I am not saying you should get scared. But be prepare for anything she might encounter with here new outlook of life. Let her go and do what she needs to do. If you control her she'll won't be happy in this relationship with you. But if you let it be then things could develop in your favor.