guiltorrelief Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I really need some insight because I'm currently going mad overthinking my breakup. So I had been dating this guy for 8 months before he broke up in the most terrible way you could imagine. He pulled a David Copperfield and just disappeared. Blocked me on Facebook, Skype, changed his phone number. And did some pretty nasty things I'll develop later. I don't know how to feel about this so here's our story : We were very much in love till the very end. We were very affectionate towards each other. We became long distance 4 months into the relationship because he had to move to another country (we live in Europe, so it was just an hour and a half away on the plane) but distance didn't seem to deteriorate our connection in any way. We were in touch all day via facebook, we spent most of our free time after college/work on Skype together. He invested crazy money into coming to visit me at least once or twice a month, paying for both our trips to places, etc... There was talk of marriage, our kids had names, we were that type of cheesy annoying couple. Now this doesn't mean we didn't have problems, or really, I shouldn't even use plural. We basically had one problem that was the reason behin 99.99% of our fights (we never really fought about stupid everyday stuff). He is a very sweet guy but he HATES confrontation. And to me, communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. He would rarely disagree with me, even on philosophical stuff. Now I get that that's the way he is, and I loved him for who he was and never tried to change it, but it became a problem when he started lying massively to get out of conflict. The lies (and therefore the fights) were all about one girl, a friend of his. He used to mention her quite a bit when we first started dating and she was on a lot of pictures and posts on facebook so I gathered that they were pretty close friends and had been for about 4 years. They first met in a summer internship when they were undergrads then landed in grad school together to do their phds (which they're still doing). We were talking about past crushes once and I asked him about whether there had been anything between the two of them once. It really was an innocent question, and he said "No, I sort of contemplated it during our internship four years ago but she wasn't into me and nothing ever happened". So that was the first lie. In reality, nothing happened during that internship, but when they landed in grad school together a year later, he developed a huge crush on her and according to some friends, was even a bit obsessed with her for over a year (they were in the same group of friends, which must have been difficult). They never went out, but they did kiss a few times the first few months and I guess he was a lot more into her than she was, and she eventually stopped reciprocating his moves and turned him down, and then started dating her boyfriend (whom she's still with). He didn't tell me that when I first asked, so that was the beginning of a massive chain of lies. One or two months later, he mentioned how much he HATED her boyfriend. And was quite violent about it, saying he's "not one to hate, but I really really hate this guy more than anything". He had already mentioned disliking him before, but never to this extent. I didn't think much of it right away although I did ask him if that wasn't maybe out of jealousy and he said yes, maybe (!). It worried me a bit when i thought about it a day later so I sent him an email telling him I didn't want to have a fight but it just seemed a bit odd that he hates this guy so much for no reason, and he did say he was jealous, and this girl was a really close friend with whom he had A LOT in common. In that email I also confronted him about how I didn't like him keeping tinder 3 months into the relationship (we met on there). He replied by saying he had lied and he had actually officially dated her for 6 months (another lie) and then she dumped him and after a while she got with this guy. He said he didn't feel anything for her anymore, and he said Tinder was a huge mistake, that he only used it once or twice the first few weeks and he deleted it. I was really mad that he lied (little did I know that even that "truth" was a lie itself) but forgave him. After that, this girl became a really sensitive topic. He wouldn't tell me if she was at an event he was in, even if he listed everyone else, he lied about eating at her place the very night he moved countries. (I found out way later where he was that night even though we were in touch) I started being really uncomfortable about her. He said they both lost their virginity to each other (which wasn't true, they never had sex). He said after their "breakup" it took him a year to get over her. They both shared a lot in common. And now he was around her and I wasn't there. I guess him being in constant contact with an ex worried me, even though I knew he wouldn't cheat. I never accused him of cheating. I was simply scared he might still harbor feelings for this girl that are only kept because she's not interested. She kept being a source of doubts for me, and at one point he sent me their chat history to prove nothing was going on, and he cut off half of it!!!! (which I only realized later). He did say he talked to her less than before because she made me uncomfortable. To me, after all, she was an ex. And I never asked him to cut her out, but being around her every day while seeing me once a month with all the "history" that they had together plus he had lied about her before and was awkward when she was mentioned, I wasn't reassured. One time in September, he by himself told me she sent him a message and he hadn't answered and he didn't want to (I didn't ask him that, he took the initiative to tell me about this message), I told him he should cause it was rude...I guess I was sort of torn between my wish not to make him ignore her and be rude to her and my doubts... Yes I had doubts, but I didn't want him to cut her out, to me it wasn't a solution. I wanted to trust him. A month later, in october (so about three weeks before the breakup), I realized not only had he replied to that message he said he didn't (more lies!!!), he actually had other conversations with her later. Don't get me wrong, they were innocent, and I don't think there's anything between them, but the lies hurt me a lot. Days and months before he had said "no more lies. over with the lies." At this point I got insanely mad at him, because I was just so done with how dishonest he was, and we had a huge fight, by fight i mean I was angry and threatening to break up and he was infinitely sorry. That's when he admitted they never actually dated, he didn't lose his virginity to her, and he had told me that because he was afraid i'd think he was a weirdo for not having had a relationship by the age of 25. So basically, all the "history" that had made me so uncomfortable was all made up. He had just made up a story not to look like a freak and she was the closest thing to an "ex girlfriend". That day, I also found out about some flirting he did on facebook with another girl when we were dating. One of the messages he wrote when I was at his place saying "I will never forget our first night together a year ago". Needless to say I was just really mad. I slapped him that day, and punched him on the chest. I also slapped myself and cried a lot. he kept saying "hit me, don't hit yourself"... (well I'm really tiny, but I am REALLY NOT the violent type at all, and the fact that I became violent frightened me, and to this day it still haunts me and I still feel like a terrible person and I know that would never happen again, and even though I was still very disappointed in him and very hurt, I said I was infinitely sorry for losing my temper that way and he never blamed me for it. He seemed very very sorry for what he had done and kept begging me to give him yet another chance) I was just so desperate. I was so in love with him and his lies felt like a huge lack of respect. Everything he promised me went through my head and I realized it was all lies. After a lot of emotions, I forgave him. I told him it would take me time to get over that, and trust him fully again. And he said he understood, that he didn't even deserve a chance, that he loved me so much and was so grateful. He came to see me a lot more often in October. Throughout the following weeks, I had moments of doubts.I would fear again that he had unresolved feelings for her, that she was better than me for him and all of that. I would tell him about hem all the time because I always valued honesty and didn't want to hide feelings from him, however negative, and he would ALWAYS reassure me, and say that it was his fault. He owned up to his mistakes, said that if he hadn't lied so much I wouldn't worry this much... Our last week together, he came to see me for 12 days 3 of which were in spent in Barcelona, we had one or two fights then but it was okay, considering we literally spent every hour of those 12 days together. He even followed me to college and stayed with me in the class. We really wanted to spend as much time as we could together and were as in love as ever. He even changed his flight back from Barcelona to England to stay with me some extra time. Two days before the breakup he had to go back to England and as every single time he has to leave, we were devastated at the airport, both in tears... The day after, he didn't go to his office, he stayed home and we were perfectly happy, we were as in love as ever, talking about future plans and everything... However, the day after that, it was his first day back around her, and the doubts came up again for some reason. They're irrational and I hate them and I hate that they ruin good moments but I can't help them (and he knows that and understands that). So I spent the day nagging him "maybe she's better, maybe you're made to be together, i feel insecure..." and the whole day he was saying exactly what he always said when the doubts would come up and I quote : "it's my fault, i hate myself for putting you through this pain, we will get over them, i will never give up, I don't care how long it takes, I love you too much to ever lose you, I know you're tired by all this, I will do anything I can to make you feel less pain, I can't live with myself for putting you through so much, we are in control of our relationship and we love each other..." I was a bit difficult that day but I did tell him I loved him and I missed him and I couldn't always help it, that all of this was just out of fear (maybe irrational) of losing him. At some point he stopped answering and got a bit annoyed at me looking through past stuff for no reason and said he was going home. Over an hour later he still hadn't said anything. I thought he was ignoring me on purpose, and since I was worked up and flustered, I started asking him where he was and why he hadn't gone home yet (i don't usually do that, but we were in the middle of something and he had disappeared when i thought he was supposed to be home). I also worried a little bit since it usually doesn't take him long at all to get home so I called him. At that point he blocked me off Facebook, Skype and phone. He called me in tears (?) for literally 10 seconds, said " I can't...I can't..." and hung up on me. Ever since then he is completely unattainable. And I tried sending him a few emails. All of them were reasonable, I apologized if he was hurt or overwhelmed, I said I simply wanted an explanation to this huge shift in his behavior, and that I respect whatever decision he makes but leaving me like this in absolute agony is just borderline emotionally abusive... He didn't even say "we're breaking up". He just said "I can't". I know he read some of them at least. He never shared anything with me, I knew it wasn't easy for either of us, but good god after sticking with me through all that, he dumps me without so much as an explanation. WORSE. I wanted to try and see him to confront him and talk about it. And I need a visa to go to England. He had written me a letter of invitation to visit him and I hadn't used it yet, so I decided to apply for the visa using the letter. Well, they contacted him to check with him, and instead of telling me he didn't want to see me or whatever, he replied to them. And not only did I get a refusal because "he informed us the relationship ended and he withdrew his sponsorship..." but I am now BANNED for 10 years from the UK for making "false statements". How ridiculously mean is that ? I sent him an email telling him about this, still, a very calm and reasonable email where I said that I knew he probably didn't mean to cause this much harm, but now it's done, and I need his help (because I talked to lawyers and they say a letter from him would be very helpful) writing a letter for me. I said that's all I asked for, we wouldn't even have to talk about the relationship if he didn't want to. I know he read it. And he still didn't answer. He knows very well that I planned on studying there for grad school, maybe even work. And that is going to compromise future applications for other countries like the US and the Commonwealth, etc...So this is just a terrible situation he put me in! So my question is : Am I crazy to think this isn't a normal behavior on his part ? I just don't understand! It's not like we were drifting apart. Literally the day before he was talking about engagement rings! Should I be the one feeling guilty ? Because I am, and I keep thinking that maybe if I had stayed silent about my doubts, we would be okay. I really didn't control them, and it wasn't fun for me, it was difficult never being sure if your partner doesn't have feelings for a girl..And I knew we would get over them eventually! It was just so soon after uncovering a lot of lies...What did he expect ? And I told him that before and after the breakup in my emails. I even suggested he gets back to treating her like every other girl (because I'm not usually jealous with all his other girl friends) and guy in his friends, and that way I might start seeing her that way. I was and always am willing to compromise... Sorry for this really long post and thanks in advance P.S : This girl does know about his made up story. I'm the one who told her. I wanted her to know because she kept thinking he was acting weird. And I found out he never told her about me, even though he said he did, 5 months ago. I did tell her I was sorry she was in the middle of this, that I had nothing against her, etc..I know she confronted him right before he stayed twelve days with me, and asked him if he "still wanted them to be friends, let me know". He didn't reply and told me "I'm gonna stop talking to her altogether." which I didn't agree to, because it was just so weird and rude and wrong on so many levels and just not the answer. And we never ended up agreeing on what he was going to tell her. Little did I know he would do the same to me about less than two weeks later LOL.
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