why won't they let me be?

[winterlover42]

Sometimes i think my parents are too strict (well doesn't everybody). but i have typical brown parents. Ive got an 88 average, i play sports and run a club at school. I work hard all week expecting to have a good time on the weekends. I'm also not a party girl, last time i came home late was because my boyfriend and i were hanging out with friends playing mario kart for 3 hours. (I'm 17 he's 20). point is, maybe an adult can answer this, why is it that no matter how well i do in school my parents still get mad when i go out?

[StalwartMind]

Parents can be very different, just like children/young adults. A good reason why many parents are over-protective of their children at your age, is because they want you to have a good future. They know how easy it is to be distracted by people and events at your age, so no matter how good you do, they'll always have their guard up.

 

Most teens and young adults also don't typically know what's best for them, despite they are convinced otherwise. This in no way is directed at you, because you could be one of the more rare examples of people that are very sensible and composed.

 

There is of course too little information given to tell you the exact reason why they "won't leave you alone". Either way, it could just be a classic example of you'll understand once you mature even further and maybe have kids of your own one day.

[mrs rubble]

Are you the oldest? Only girl? Your parents are just worried about you.

As a parent, my biggest worry is "are my kids safe?" I only get mad if I don't know where they are, or they don't answer my texts or calls when I'm looking for them. I'd be happy if they kept me informed.

Do you let your parents know you are running late as soon as you realize you are?

[MissTrudy]

what is it exactly that they do to show they're upset with you?

 

You describe your parents as overprotective, but I'm surprised your parents even let you have a boyfriend, especially one who is older than you by three years (not a big age difference, I know, but you're under 18 and he is over).

 

Some perspective: My parents would've killed me at your age if I had a boyfriend. I was high school valedictorian, president of 5 clubs, got accepted to and went to an ivy league, and didn't have a curfew because i wasn't allowed to go out.

 

Once a guy friend in middle school called me to ask about a class assignment while my whole family was there (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and I felt like I was being cross-examined; the next day I told him not to call my house ever again. Only one guy in high school could call my house without me getting any flack; this was a kid who my mother knew very well and he was like a brother to me.

 

Oh, and I got my first gaming system in middle school and when my mom saw me playing with it on weeknights instead of reading books, she took it away from me and i never played video games again. You have it easy

 

In all seriousness now: Without any background on how your parents treat you, I think the reason why they might be hard on you is because they want you to do well and don't want anyone to hold you back, or for you to make mistakes that will hurt your future. I am about to make some assumptions about you and your background right now (based on your "typical brown parents" statement) so bear with me and please don't take offense. I'm black and I was raised surrounded by other minorities and also immigrants, so I know the expectations of these types of communities pretty well.

 

I saw how hard my parents and these other parents worked for their children to have the best education possible and sometimes the pressure was ridiculous. But we all turned out ok, maybe a little traumatized, but it could be worse.

 

My cousins who didn't have this pressure are lazy and still rely on their parents for everything. Two of my cousins got pregnant pretty young and now one has a baby when she is still trying to figure out what it means to be an adult. The other has two sons and is doing well, she's completely independent, but she lost so much of her youth because of it; she's older than me and I couldn't imagine having two sons at my age, or even her age! It's very easy to get derailed in today's society, and not just by pregnancy (though that is a primary concern for teenage girls involved with boys) and your parents want the best for you. It's hard out there as an adult and you want to be well-equipped. I'm 26 now and I understand a lot better why my parents had high expectations. I do not want to be in the situation that my cousins are in, and I don't think I would've been if I had more freedom to date or do other things, but you never know what could have happened.

 

Parents want you to have as much control over your destiny as possible, and the only surefire way to do that is to be the best you can be. I know this is often seen as a cliche but I think it's true. For example, your 88 is good, but it could be better; it'll get you into college but will it give you the freedom to pick any college you want and have the colleges fighting over you? when you make life decisions, you want as much say in these decisions. you want to be in the power position. Having money, family connections, and other types of privilege helps of course, but if you don't have those things you're really going to have to work. Many people with those things still have to work.

 

It's pretty hard in most cultures to be a person of color AND a female so you really need to work extra hard. Parents of all races want their children to do well, unless the parent is mentally ill. Your parents are doing whatever they're doing out of love.

 

Hopefully as you get older and "prove" yourself they'll loosen up. My family did (though I am still terrified of disappointing them, but I think it's a healthy fear. I know that no matter what i do I will be the golden child in the family. And because I've seen that the hard work does make a difference, I am driven to work hard).

Edited December 10, 2014 by MissTrudy

[d0nnivain]

winterlover

 

The world is a much scarier place than you know. At 17, it's hard to see the dangers. Your parents are afraid for you & want to protect you. Yes, than can feel stifling but they have the best of intentions. Overprotective parents are still way better than parents who don't care.

 

The fact that they are letting you date a grown man indicates some level of trust in you. Next year when your BF is old enough to go to bars, it's going to get rougher.

 

Sit down & talk calmly you to your parents. When you want to do something & they aren't thrilled, marshal all the logical points in your favor so you can perhaps win the debate. It might not work the first time but it will help your parents to see you as a more mature adult.

 

It's hard for parents to realize their kids are growing up. When I was booking the venue for my wedding my mother demanded to come with me to "protect me". I was almost 40 years old at the time & had 20 years of experience negotiating contracts (while my mom had none). Yet I was still her little girl.