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Have I lost my conscience?


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ConscienceLost
Posted

I don't know where else to put this thread, so I hope this is relevant. I am really concerned with my actions and I don't know what to do to change it. I'm sure a lot of people will respond to this with anger, and maybe it will be justified. But please know that I DO want to change, but I have no idea how to.

 

I will start with how this all began. I was 16 when I lost my virginity and I was completely in love with the guy. He cheated on me and left me for someone else. Ever since then I have been a very different person. It is 7 years later and I am still behaving the same way I did at 16. I started sleeping with random people, with no care or thought about it. I still do this. I am ashamed at how many people I have slept with, it is close to 30 guys now.

 

I guess what bothers me the most is that I also can't stop cheating. Every boyfriend I have had I have cheated on. At first I felt bad when I did it, but now I don't even care at all. I feel as though I have lost my conscience. I try to stop myself from doing it but when it comes down to it I just do it anyway. All of my relationships so far have been destroyed by my habitual cheating. My last relationship ended when I took another guy and had sex with him while my boyfriend was downstairs and he caught me. I didn't even cry or say anything I just told him fine then just go away. I never gave it another thought and continued with what I do, and never apologized or tried to talk to him again. I know I hurt him, but I really can't make myself care that I did.

 

What brought me to Loveshack was what I did a few weeks ago that is still bothering me. I slept with my best friends boyfriend while she was asleep in the next room. I didn't even think twice about it, and even now I'm not sure how I feel about it. I also slept with two of my other friends ex's and another boyfriend of another friend. While I was with both of my 2 serious boyfriends I slept with both of their best friends among other people.

 

I feel as though I have lost my conscience altogether. This is not the person I want to be. Now when I look in the mirror I can't say I see a good person anymore. I hate what I have become. I know I changed when I was 16 and the guy I was with left me high and dry. Now I feel that I have become like him and I treat everyone I date horribly and even my wonderful friends. Now I also feel as though I have absolutely no respect for any man. I see how easy it is for them to cheat. Trust me on this, EVERY guy that has caught my eye has slept with me regardless if they have a girlfriend or not, and with no thought or care about it. I think that if I ever was to have a relationship I would make it open just because I don't think you can trust any guy..I don't care who it is. If they are placed in the right situation they will cheat. I just feel like I am no better. I really stopped caring about who I hurt and what I do.

 

I hate being this type of person, please tell me how to stop being this way. Is my conscience gone? I used to have one, I really did. Now I don't care. Can you have so much sex and cheat so much that your heart hardens and you no longer feel bad for your actions? I have tried church and it hasn't helped me. I can't get into that stuff no matter how hard I try. Please help me. Why am I being this way and how can I STOP?!

Posted

Let me ask this-- what is going on in your mind, heart, psyche, body in those moments when you decide to have sex with someone other than a boyfriend of yours?

 

Are you simply acting on the desires of you body?

 

In the moment when you make the decision, are you thinking about how it might hurt others? Does that give you a sort of satisfaction? Does it make you feel ashamed? Do you feel that others deserve to be hurt?

 

Is the act of sex meaningful to you? Do you consider it partnered masturbation? Are your feelings about it really casual? Is it almost like saying to someone, "Do you want to go get it on?" is as casual a gesture as saying something like, "Hey I'm going to the store do you need anything?" Is sex ever a loving act to you?

 

You've mentioned how hurt you were when your first boyfriend cheated on you. Are you still really hurt over that? Has he come to represent all male beings to you? Or have all male beings come to represent him? I'm thinking maybe on some level you feel like you are getting back at him, or acting out your pain from his cheating and leaving each time you cheat on someone or sleep with someone who is committed to someone else.

 

I don't know... I am just trying to ask some questions to gather further info at this point. If you can give more information I might be able to figure this out better.

Posted

It sounds like you are still angry at your first boyfriend, but for some reason are takling your anger out on yourself by turning into a b!^@#. I would stop seeing anyone immediately (sexually I mean) and go see a therapist immediatly before you do any more damage to your friendships, etc.

 

I agree with you how one event can change your life (and who you are/become) but you can fight it and change, but (as everyone alwys told me ) you need to see a therpist to sort out your feeings and begin changing for the better.

 

good luck

Posted

Frankly, it kind of sounds like you're taking out one harm against you against a whole lot of other people. That's kind of unfair to your b/fs and your friends.

Posted

Well first and foremost, not every guy will cheat when presented with the opportunity. It doesn't matter how hot you are, if he's a good guy and loves his gf, he won't cheat. Bottom line.

 

It's good that you at least want to stop your behavior. It sounds like you may just be morally desensitized. I mean, the more disturbing images you see, the less they will affect you. If you don't view them for long periods of time, you will regain some of that sensitivity. It's possible that you've desensitized yourself, in a way, to hurting other people.

 

It's also possible that you're a sex addict. I think people have a tendancy to throw around the term "addict" too much and categorize people as having disorders too frequently, but in your case it sounds like it may be relevant.

 

At any rate, it sounds like therapy may help you at least figure out the root of your motivation for your behavior. Once you have that figured out, you can more effectively work to fix your problem.

Posted

It is not that you have lost your conscience. Otherwise you should not have a problem with your behavior in any way, and you would not be posting here on LS.

 

But you have serious issues, of a sexual nature. It is as if you want to prove that all men are s***, who don't mind cheating to have sex with you, or anyone else who comes along. Part of the pleasure of doing this, comes from the power you have over these men.

 

In all probability it has very little to do with sexual desire itself, unless you would have an extremely high sex drive, which could point to a sexual disorder. But there might be something going on there too, just not as the main cause of your problems.

 

Your body in all probability is an attractive bait for most men your age. Most men would not resist you, even when they are in a relationship. Some would.

 

There is no simple solution to your problems. You can be without a relationship, but you would still engage in the same behavior. You must do something about it, otherwise you will lose your friends with your behavior. That might already be happening :(. Not to mention the effect it would have on yourself. The best would be to seek professional help for your issues.

Posted

I usually don't tell people this, but I think you really need to talk with someone like a counselor/psychologist.

 

Yes, I think that after someone has sex so much or with so many different people it can seem like less of a "big deal." But at the same time, this is no excuse for your actions. Could you have some sort of sex addiction? Or were you possibly traumatized by this boyfriend from when you were 16?

 

"if you can't beat em, join em" does not really apply to dating/sex.

 

I think you should seek counseling, you are probably suffering from depression or some sort of mental disorder. I'm really sorry about your boyfriend but don't let the idiot ruin your life or make you lose everyone in your life that is important to you. The truth always has a way of coming to the surface and I have a feeling you could be in for a LOT of heartbreak and loneliness if you keep this up. Get help for yourself NOW.

 

Let me ask this-- what is going on in your mind, heart, psyche, body in those moments when you decide to have sex with someone other than a boyfriend of yours?

 

Are you simply acting on the desires of you body?

 

I am with Tamed Wildflower on this one...what are you thinking about when you do these things?

 

Obviously you do still care and you do still have a conscience if you are on here looking for help.

ConscienceLost
Posted

In answer to your question TamedWildflower I am not thinking at all when I do these things. I don't know if it's an uncontrollable sex drive or what?!?! I just don't think at all. period. I don't see it as a big deal either. It has just become sex to me and just a thing to do but I know it hurts people by my actions. I have tried to stop and I just can't. I know that if my friends were to find out they would not speak to me again and everyone would hate me. I think having sex with lots of men and committed men makes me feel better about myself and I know I shouldn't think this way! I do still have issues over my ex I suppose. I haven't been the same person since all of that went down and everyone you are right, I do see men as being pretty terrible and untrustworthy. I see how they act and how easy it is to get them to cheat. I barely have to do anything at all. They come to me. girlfriend, wife, or single it doesn't matter.

Posted

First of all there are a lot of guys who won't sleep with someone else just because they have the opportunity to. So you're finding the all the bad ones. It could be something you're giving off to them.

 

My advice to you is to stop having relationships right now and work on yourself to figure out what causes you to do this.

Posted

As I am reading this I am wondering if you have been hurt in your past and are carrying a burden with you. Have you been sexually or physically abused? Perhaps you are punishing yourself, creating guilt and chaos to escape the past. Or perhaps you are angry, though not necessarily at him. You remind me of a friend I had long ago and this is what she did. She had to go into therapy to heal old wounds to stop her behaviors that match yours.

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