HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) I'm looking for some female perspective on my situation. Here is a rough timeline of events. I'm leaving out some of the smaller details, but I may mention them later as necessary. This is long, but I'll try to make it structured and reasonably interesting. The woman of interest, I'll call her K, joins my company. I am introduced to her by her co-worker, M. I immediately notice how attractive K is yet, since I get the impression that she is too young for me, I decide to just admire her beauty from afar. I don't like chasing pipe dreams.A couple months go by, in which time I see K every now and then and note to myself how good she looks. I probably say hi to her every now and then but I don't remember many details from this time.Some time later, a co-worker of K's friend, N, is leaving the company so a group of us meet after work for happy hour. I get to the bar and find K there with N and another lady she's friendly with. I say hi to her, but she's shy and too young so I don't make much of an effort to talk with her. Later in the night we make eye contact with each other and hold it for a while, but neither of us smiles. I think neither of us knows what the other is thinking at this point.A couple more weeks pass and I'm talking with M (the co-worker who introduced us) in the break room and M tells me K's actual age, which is significantly higher than either of us initially thought. My interest is now piqued.There's a volunteer committee at work that meets bi-monthly, of which K is a member. I decide to volunteer for the committee.A couple of weeks later, a Monday morning, I'm talking with N in the break room. K comes in, sees us talking and enthusiastically joins the conversation (she's quite animated talking to both of us). I learn during this conversation that K has some minor legal issue she needs to resolve the next day.I see K a few times over the next two days, sometimes getting a shy smile, sometimes not. Wednesday I see her in the break room and ask her how she did with her minor legal problem and we spend a couple minutes talking about it. There's a little awkwardness on both our parts. She thanks me for asking and then runs to the ladies room.The following Monday, I hold the door for her. There's a glass wall with a glass door through which we can see each other. We make eye contact through the glass, I hold the door and greet her. She gives me this look like her whole face lit up, smiling and keeping steady eye contact with me for what had to be 5-7 seconds. It looked like this . In fact, after I said “Good Morning” she kept looking at me and smiling so I said “How are you?” Afterwards, I realized that it seemed as if she lingered a bit, perhaps expecting me to talk to her. I'm embarrassed to admit I got a stirring in my pants from this. That's how intense it was. This (8) now throws me off my game a bit (so to speak). Now I feel like I want it too bad, and I start getting nervous whenever I see her. Luckily, it's a short week (Thanksgiving) and I'll have a long weekend to settle down.Monday morning I see her in the break room again. I ask her how was her Thanksgiving. She tells me hers was nice and asks me how mine was (nice, I said). I then ask her how was her drive home the previous Wednesday. We had a snowstorm here and she lives far away. She said the ride wasn't bad and she got home fine. Her demeanor was friendly yet a little awkward. She didn't look at me much. Now I start wondering if she's just shy or if she's blowing me off.In light of her behavior in 8 and 10, I feel like she's sending me mixed signals. The committee meeting is later that day, so I decided to run an experiment. I don't like to play games, but I decided that the only way I'd know if she's interested or not is if I don't initiate any eye contact with her in the meeting and see how she behaves.We sit across from each other in the meeting. I play it cool and don't look at her. After a few minutes I glance at her and she's looking at me (no smile). A few minutes later I glance at her again and she's looking at me (no smile again). The third time she's looking at me and giving me a coy smile. For the rest of the meeting we'd make eye contact every now and then and give each other smiles. I'm beginning to worry that others might notice.The next day I see her in the hall and she's beaming as we say good morning to each other. I don't really see her the next couple days.Meanwhile, I've set up a happy hour with a former co-worker friend of mine and a small group of others who are friends with her. I'll call her B. K doesn't know her, but I invite her because I like her and want to get to know her better (I didn't tell her this, of course). I wasn't sure if she'd come because there were only two people going that she knows and one of them, her friend N, had to leave early. Well, K shows up to my pleasant surprise. A few minutes in, I make eye contact with her and she gives me the googly eyes and smiles. She's talking with her co-worker A while I chat with others. I ask her something about her drink and she starts beaming while she leans a bit closer and answers me. We chat a little and then my friend B starts bending her ear for what seems like forever. B and K are really hitting it off because they're both from the same country. Since K lives far away, so she has to leave early. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to talk with her more.The next day I see K in the hallway at work. She walks right by me like I'm a potted plant. No smile, no eye contact, nothing. Now I'm confused.It's Monday again and I see her in the break room with her bagel. I ask her how her weekend was. She says it was nice and asks me how mine was. I say I had a nice weekend and ask her if she had a good time the other night at the happy hour. She says she did and thanks me for inviting her. I talk with her a little more but her demeanor seems awkward again. She smiles a little and glances at me a bit but doesn't fully engage. While I was talking with her I got a positive vibe, but (as always seems to happen) with the passage of a few hours I started having my doubts. Later that day I see her in the break room again but another woman is there and starts talking to me. (For the record, the other woman is married and nowhere near as attractive as K). I talk with the other lady a bit but I don't try to initiate a conversation with K because we're in work and I feel she should be able to go about her business without me constantly trying to chat her up. For the record, K never initiates a conversation with me. I see her talking to others, both male and female, and she never seems awkward or shy with them – only with me, unless there's a third person involved. I feel like she's giving me mixed signals again. Now it's Tuesday and late morning I pass her in the hallway. No smile, no eye contact. She just looks down and picks a piece of lint off her sleeve. I have to admit that this pisses me off, though I don't show it. I'm less significant to her than a piece of lint. I'm in a sour mood the rest of the day and completely bewildered by her behavior. So this is where it stands. I'm to the point where I'm just going to back off for a while. I'm having another happy hour next week for Christmas and I was so angry I was thinking of not inviting her. I was also considering ignoring her whenever I see her in the break room now. However, I've decided that this would be childish; just because she's rude to me doesn't mean I can't be nice to her. I've never “hit” on her – all I've done is be friendly and nice but not pushy, so there's no reason for her not to like me or to avoid me. I've probably over-analyzed the situation, but that's what I do with everything. I now realize that I've probably been sending her a lot of mixed signals. I also realize that women can be very sensitive and she might have been upset that I didn't talk with her more at the happy hour, especially after the first happy hour where I barely paid attention to her. Even though I think I had a good reason not to talk to her much the second time, I don't think she would see it that way if she expected me to pay more attention to her after I invited her. I feel like I screwed everything up. Either that, or she's nuts. What do you think? Edited December 10, 2014 by HazyCosmicJive Poor wording.
Driver Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I think you are way over-thinking this situation. Like analyzing every last insignificant detail... I know it must be agonizing (I do the same thing). My thoughts are, you are very sensitive and a great deal of the actions/words/facial expressions you perceive as being meaningful in some way, they actually don't mean a darn thing! The only way you're going to know if this woman is kind of interested in you or not is if you ask her out. Plain and simple. 2
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Dear lord. She's shy and there's a strong chance she has a crush on you, but you keep not asking her out. You flirt with her via glances/smiles and then don't ask her out. Her face lights up like a billboard in heat, you chat her up, and then you don't ask her out. Running "hot and cold"? She's "nuts"? Dude. You're the one giving us a small novel on all the times you've seen her get excited to speak with you, act shy/coy towards you while smiling, flirted with her and then not asked her out. What do you expect her to do? Keep making a fool of herself by lighting up like a Christmas tree when she sees you and being flirty during meetings, only for you to show you're not interested? She probably walks past you like you're a potted plant thinking, "Gosh I was stupid for thinking he'd be interested, I need to stop doing this," and then later when you approach her, she gets caught up in it. This is probably what you're perceiving as "hot and cold". The biggest giveaway is that she doesn't react this way with anyone else, doesn't act shy or smile the same way, etc. Even if she ends up turning you down for any and whatever reason and you somehow skewed this whole situation, you really need to ask this lady out if you're actually interested. Because if she is interested in you, you've got a limited amount of time before she just feels stupid and moves on to someone who is more responsive. My 2 cents opinion. 2
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I think you are way over-thinking this situation. Like analyzing every last insignificant detail... I know it must be agonizing (I do the same thing). My thoughts are, you are very sensitive and a great deal of the actions/words/facial expressions you perceive as being meaningful in some way, they actually don't mean a darn thing! The only way you're going to know if this woman is kind of interested in you or not is if you ask her out. Plain and simple. I told you I over-analyze everything.
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Dear lord. She's shy and there's a strong chance she has a crush on you, but you keep not asking her out. You flirt with her via glances/smiles and then don't ask her out. Her face lights up like a billboard in heat, you chat her up, and then you don't ask her out. Running "hot and cold"? She's "nuts"? Dude. You're the one giving us a small novel on all the times you've seen her get excited to speak with you, act shy/coy towards you while smiling, flirted with her and then not asked her out. What do you expect her to do? Keep making a fool of herself by lighting up like a Christmas tree when she sees you and being flirty during meetings, only for you to show you're not interested? She probably walks past you like you're a potted plant thinking, "Gosh I was stupid for thinking he'd be interested, I need to stop doing this," and then later when you approach her, she gets caught up in it. This is probably what you're perceiving as "hot and cold". The biggest giveaway is that she doesn't react this way with anyone else, doesn't act shy or smile the same way, etc. Even if she ends up turning you down for any and whatever reason and you somehow skewed this whole situation, you really need to ask this lady out if you're actually interested. Because if she is interested in you, you've got a limited amount of time before she just feels stupid and moves on to someone who is more responsive. My 2 cents opinion. Thanks for being so honest. I agree with what you wrote. I'm pathetic, but in my defense, it's at work and it's a small company (100 people) where everybody gossips and that's the only reason I've been guarded in my approach. Still, I need to make a move already. She's done her part as far as I'm concerned.
Standard-Fare Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I have no idea why you're "angry" at her. Just because she doesn't consistently flash you googly eyes every time she passes by doesn't mean she's playing some kind of cold game with you. She probably just wants you to the one to deliberately call out her attention and say hello. If a date outside of work is too much at this point, can you at least try to get her to join you for lunch or something? You guys need to break the ice and have some genuine interactions, ones that DON'T involve layers of awkwardness and crossed signals.
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I have no idea why you're "angry" at her. Just because she doesn't consistently flash you googly eyes every time she passes by doesn't mean she's playing some kind of cold game with you. She probably just wants you to the one to deliberately call out her attention and say hello. If a date outside of work is too much at this point, can you at least try to get her to join you for lunch or something? You guys need to break the ice and have some genuine interactions, ones that DON'T involve layers of awkwardness and crossed signals. I guess I'm really angry with myself because I can't fault her for how she's acting. The funny thing is, I do that all the time with other people - if they don't acknowledge me I'll say "Hi!" to get their attention. I guess because I'm pretty shy myself I don't do that with her. I know what to do, it's that I'm letting the work environment psyche me out. If it were anywhere else, I'd have made a move by now. Thanks for the reply.
90s kid Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'm not so sure that she likes you. I have had a couple of experiences at work where I'm super friendly with a guy until I start to get the feeling that he likes me. This causes me to really pull back because I'm not interested and I don't want him to get the wrong impression. This probably makes me look really hot and cold with him because part of my is naturally friendly and wants to chit-chat, and the other part of me wants to avoid him so I don't lead him on. Anyway, that's what your situation kind of reminds me of. I wonder if she's on to the fact that you like her and she's pulling back because she's not interested. The only way to really know is to take the chance and ask her. 1
GemmaUK Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'd say she is behaving like a normal work colleague.
Emilia Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 to pull off dating in the office OP, you need thick skin. You don't have it and I don't think you should attempt it.
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I'd say she is behaving like a normal work colleague. Not in my experience, but thanks anyway.
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I'm not so sure that she likes you. I have had a couple of experiences at work where I'm super friendly with a guy until I start to get the feeling that he likes me. This causes me to really pull back because I'm not interested and I don't want him to get the wrong impression. This probably makes me look really hot and cold with him because part of my is naturally friendly and wants to chit-chat, and the other part of me wants to avoid him so I don't lead him on. Anyway, that's what your situation kind of reminds me of. I wonder if she's on to the fact that you like her and she's pulling back because she's not interested. The only way to really know is to take the chance and ask her. That's possible, which is why I'm not sure. At least one of the things implies that she's interested (the incident at the meeting) but I'll have to ask her to make sure. I just found out I'm getting laid off soon, so there's nothing to lose since if she shoots me down I'll never see her again.
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 to pull off dating in the office OP, you need thick skin. You don't have it and I don't think you should attempt it. Thanks for the input.
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 to pull off dating in the office OP, you need thick skin. You don't have it and I don't think you should attempt it. Yeah but he could test the waters to make up for the environment. Like normally I'd say go all out or go home, sort of thing, be straight up and ask for an official romantic date from a woman who interests you. But I do acknowledge somewhat trickier situations like a work environment, so I'd yield on my usual advice and green light an approach like asking her if she'd like to grab coffee on a specific date. That way if she doesn't respond to something as mild as that, it's not like, "Oh my gosh he totally wanted to get in my pants and now we're in a meeting together!" lol It'd just be like a shrugged-off sort of thing if she was like, "Oh I can't because of (reasons)," but never offered a different date, and he said, "Oh no worries," and it was never mentioned again. Coworkers could play that sort of thing off as no big deal.
Author HazyCosmicJive Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Yeah but he could test the waters to make up for the environment. Like normally I'd say go all out or go home, sort of thing, be straight up and ask for an official romantic date from a woman who interests you. But I do acknowledge somewhat trickier situations like a work environment, so I'd yield on my usual advice and green light an approach like asking her if she'd like to grab coffee on a specific date. That way if she doesn't respond to something as mild as that, it's not like, "Oh my gosh he totally wanted to get in my pants and now we're in a meeting together!" lol It'd just be like a shrugged-off sort of thing if she was like, "Oh I can't because of (reasons)," but never offered a different date, and he said, "Oh no worries," and it was never mentioned again. Coworkers could play that sort of thing off as no big deal. I'm glad you understand the situation I'm in. She's also a temp employee so I'm trying to be respectful of HER reputation. She doesn't need people gossiping about her. Anyway, as you may have seen, I'm being laid off so I have nothing to lose by asking her and it's the only way I'll be 100% certain. If I don't, I'll regret it for a long time.
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