izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 i don't know exactly what i'm looking for here except perhaps some feeling that i'm not alone in these feelings. things ended with MM almost 10 months ago and in so many ways i feel like i'm finally letting go of the ghost that has occupied so many of my thoughts. he's no longer the main person on my mind 24 hours a day, filling my thoughts and my dreams. the overwhelming urge to call him is finally going away. not that i don't ever want to, but it's no longer an daily occurrance. that said, i'm now faced with what feels like a lot of fallout from the relationship (and i suppose if there are any future OWs reading this, perhaps they'll see the ongoing effects of getting messed up with a married man.) i've been seeing a SG for over a month now, and in so many ways, the relationship is great. he's sweet, kind, considerate, good in bed, intelligent, not gorgeous but definitely attractive (about the same as MM). there is so much about him that screams to me that i should be feeling more for him than i do. when we're together, we have so much fun, our kids are about the same age so there's a lot of understanding about the stresses on our lives, and a lot to talk about. i find myself hoping he'll call, which he does, and emails a lot and we see each other at least once a week (schedules are sometimes difficult to arrange). all that said, i'm still suffering from, what i suspect, is the fallout from the relationship with MM. SG knows about MM and knows that i'm having a hard time completely letting go and he's been very understanding and patient about that. he said that we can take things slowly, no expectations, just have fun and enjoy each other's company (oddly, a lot of the same things MM told me when i expressed my concerns about getting involved with him). but i'm afraid to give into my feelings. i'm afraid that as soon as i start to care i'll get shi! on again. he's given me no reason to distrust him, but i find it so difficult to take things that he says at face value. i know part of his job brings him in contact with a lot of women, some of them models .... and although he tells me how attractive i am, and shows me in other ways, i'm terrified he's not telling me the truth and he's really just waiting for someone else, or better to come along. i have no reason to not trust him, but i'm having so hard allowing myself to get comfortable. i'm just so afraid to trust and to care and to let him into my life. i was always so confident in my appearance and how attractive my personality is, but i find myself struggling constantly to remind myself that i'm ok. i want these feelings to go away. i want to be me again. i want to trust again. i know i can't force feeling something for someone, but i feel like there's this wall i've built up. and even though MM is gone from my life i'm afraid the impact will be there forever. for those of you who have moved on, or are moving on .... i don't know what else to do to start feeling like me again. i've been in therapy before and don't want to go back there again. and i can put on a good front when i have to but find, at times, that this is all so exhausting. and i know, some of that is just the whole dating thing. i was married for over 10 years and only went on a few dates before MM so i know that's part of it. but any other suggestions? when we talked about it all, he told me i needed to get out there and date more, but i don't want to... i just want to feel something.
Sad Flower Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Izzybelle Sounds like MM still has your heart and it will definately be hard to give your heart to SG until you take it away from MM completely. I don't know your complete story so I don't want to speculate and I don't want to say MM is not coming back and be harsh and tell you HE IS NOT COMING BACK SO MOVE ON !!! who knows, he may come back but the best thing for you to do is just keep moving on and if he does come back do not allow yourself to be involved with him until he is completely DIVORCED. I'm glad to hear you have found a nice SG and when it comes to the SG take things slow, let time build things for you and him. For me I dive myself into friends, family, meeting new people, going to fun places that i've never been to....etc......basically getting my mind off the jerk. Last summer my girl friends WOULD NOT let me dwell on that whole MM thing!! Keep us posted and NO YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN ALL THIS...I'M STILL COPING MYSELF
Author izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 sad flower, thanks no...i don't think he's coming back, in fact i'd be terribly surprised if he did. and in all honesty, unless i saw signed divorce papers in his hand, i don't think i'd believe him, and even then i'd have my doubts. he had told me he was supposed to be getting divorced last summer, and obviously that didn't happen, so i don't know how i could believe him. you're right, he still has part of my heart, and i think he always will but my feelings for him have changed. and i know there's so much more of my heart there to give... i just have to find the courage to risk giving it to someone else. it's mostly the whole issue of trust. my kids keep me busy and this SG occupies a lot of the free time i have. i just got off the phone with SG and in some ways wanted to talk to him about it. but he was half asleep... evidentally my fault, as he said but i'll probably see him tomorrow. i feel bad because i know i run hot and cold with him and part of me wants to tell him that i want to feel more but that i'm afraid. but i know he said he had no expectations for us when i told him i didn't want a serious relationship because i was afraid of getting hurt again... so who knows maybe he really doesn't want a serious relationship. dang, i've been through break ups before, but this fear and lack of trust is definitely a new one for me. i've always bounced back from crappy relationships really quickly. maybe things get harder with age!
lynnered Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 the more time that goes by of course is a healer , and i think getting over a MM is not different than any other man, alot of it is habit , i think anyway , keep busy , and maybe talking about it so much is not as helpful , in my situation, i find the less i talk about him the less i think of him, I'm still not the old me , i too am looking for her!!! and there's a book i wonder if anybody read it? i saw it at the bookstore but ,didn't buy it,its YOUR JUST NOT INTO HIM !! its been 56 days since i saw him, distance dosent make my heart grow fonder so for me that helps , I'm still sad ,mad,not that carefree , but i feel better then i did when i was in that situation, I'm at the point what do i want ? and Lynne has no idea!! I've tried reading helpful books,not as focused as i used to be , i used to read &read not ready to date , i believe it creating habits of not thinking of him , this forum is helpful , you are not alone!!!
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 a big suprise for all of you . Some of you might even get shocked: THERE IS LIFE AFTER AN AFFAIR WITH MM AND ALSO THERE IS LIFE ON MARS! there is everything...you just have to belive it and it happens!
Author izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 maybe if there really is life on mars we could just send some (not all) but some of the MM there as their punishment? i know there's life after MM, and some days are more of a struggle than others. some days i just sail through and can actually feel like i've pushed him out far enough that i can go back to being me. but starting to get involved with someone for the first time since that whole mess, has just brought up a lot of foreign feelings. i have no doubt that time will heal most of them.
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I heard on Mars there are living 30000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 hot cute smart and funny single guys. Are you sure you want to send there MM????? what if they spoil them?
Littlepink24 Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I wish I could end my realtionship with my MM, mine has been going on since 2001. My life has suffered horribly. I recently moved 2 hours away from him and that didn't work. I get so mad at him I want to tell his wife all the time. I think it is his age that he gets away with cheating, he is 11 years older than me. (he is 36) while he perfect hubby and daddy I am going crazy all the time. I know what it feels like for a MM to take all your thoughts that are in your head, to want to be around him all the time and everything in between. Trust me. Have you ever read "The Rules"? Can I asked how you ended it? Do you still want to tell her?
Author izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 I heard on Mars there are living 30000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000 hot cute smart and funny single guys. Are you sure you want to send there MM????? what if they spoil them? ok, so maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. maybe we can send them to an island with a bunch of women who look like the witch in some of the disney movies! littlepink - my MM ended it with me because we got discovered. so my MMs W knew. she called me and ranted one time and for a while, i would to have loved to have had a more controlled conversation with her, just to find out what their relationship was really like, or from her perspecitive anyway. i no longer have those thoughts. i mostly now just pity her for living her life with a man i know she doesn't trust. and i know she doesn't trust him. i have often wondered what would have happened if she hadn't found out. whether his marriage really was going to be over like he (they) said it was going to be or whether i'd still be seeing him, or hopefully, i would have had the strength to walk away. but you're right. they fill every space of your brain and heart it's like being gripped by some alien life force (OK back to the mars stuff again) and each time you try to break free it hurts like hel!. although i hated life when he went back to his life, i know if i couldn't have him as a SG, it's better to not have him at all. and now i just feel like i'm dealing with the aftershocks. those little tremors that make me feel like i'll fall back into the abyss again. but i won't. i still miss him sometimes, and i will always care for him. but i'm not falling into that blackness again.
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 i have better idea izzy why wasting time on finding witches? when we can simply send them there wit their beloved spouses? is there any worse thing you could do to them? yup and btw ...islands are impossible to leave ...no way out
Littlepink24 Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 So should I talk to her and hope like hell she believes me or what? I know this might sound crazy, but I would rather end it with him hating me making it easier for me to not talk to him or just let him go quietly? then again I hate wasting time on him more than I have to because it hurts to think I have wasted all this time and all these feeling on him to know that he is once again living happily. And yes, I think I am jealous of her.
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 just move on and let go. don`t even bother to talk. what good it will bring to you?
sami Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 That's better for all of them to the agony of the deserted OWs.
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 better for you. i only bet when i am sure i am winning
kkat Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Dear Izzy, I was wondering... Do you think you would be interested in something long-term and emotionally available for such a relationship w/ SG if he expressed that this is what he wants? Are you feeling that he most likely is or isn't right for you? Putting aside momentarily that the time might not be right yet for you - and understandably so! There is a guy in my past that I always jokingly label "the man I should have married". This guy is Mr. Right and he was always there when I was getting over a break-up. I never had a relationship with him when I wasn't on the rebound - and in the years that have passed, we've stayed in touch and boy do I regret how unavailable I was. Gosh, perhaps it was because he was...gasp...available? Is there any of that tendency with you at all? And, do you think that talking to him about your remaining heartache over MM (if I'm not framing that correctly please excuse) is a good idea? I'm a bit concerned about that...
Author izzybelle Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 kkat, Do you think you would be interested in something long-term and emotionally available for such a relationship w/ SG if he expressed that this is what he wants? Are you feeling that he most likely is or isn't right for you? Putting aside momentarily that the time might not be right yet for you - and understandably so! good question, and i'm not sure. he just left and i always have this bizarre feeling when he does, i want him to stay, but at the same time ..... although tonight i really would have liked him to hang around for a bit longer, but i knew he couldn't so i didn't push. there's so much about him that is right and i'm not entirely sure that he doesn't want something more than what i've told him i was looking for. he agreed with me about not wanting anything serious but before that happened he signed an email somewhat affectionately and that stopped after i mentioned about not wanting something to happen too fast. there's also a part of me that thinks he's a bit of a player and i'm afraid that if i fall for him, he's going to go running for the hills. i just don't trust what i see in front of me. and i'm not sure if it's him or me. i know i may have given the impression that i've talked with him at length about the situ with MM but it was only a series of emails and a longer conversation on the phone about it that night. and he brought it up on the phone, thanking me for sharing that with him and letting him know what i was looking for at this moment in time. we actually spend more time talking about his exW and my exH since we all know each other! tonight i didn't zone out. MM didn't cross my mind while he was here. and i have wondered about the whole available / unavailable stuff. and i don't rule out that possibility. i think it's more, in this case, that i'm just so afraid. at times things feel pretty serious. from him and other times, not so much. so i periodically get mixed signals from him and i know he gets them from me. my relationship with MM was primarily long distance so even though he and i developed an intense closeness a lot of it was done over the phone. so this much "in person" stuff is still very foreign top me. with the exception of the few dates i've been on in the last few months, it's been almost 20 years since i was out there actively dating! it's been a strange few months. as i've started gaining some strength back, i know the sparkle in my eyes is beginning to return. but then other times i feel it disappear again when i get confused. have you ever looked in the mirror and known that there was something hollow about the person looking back? my eyes are very expressive, i've always been told that. but since the mess, there's just been an empty look in my eyes. .... it's all just so confusing ... i want so much to care but i'm afraid.
KissMyTiara Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Oh, I sooo want to type to you right now, but I am about to fall asleep, longest work day ever... But how about this, just for now: Maybe it's not MM that's haunting your thoughts...maybe this new SG just isn't "the one"? You can't force a relationship, when it's right, it's right, and it will happen, naturally. Don't expect things, even where your heart is concerned. Don't TELL yourself to fall for SG, just go with it... HUGS to you!!
fanou22 Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Oh, I sooo want to type to you right now, but I am about to fall asleep, longest work day ever... But how about this, just for now: Maybe it's not MM that's haunting your thoughts...maybe this new SG just isn't "the one"? You can't force a relationship, when it's right, it's right, and it will happen, naturally. Don't expect things, even where your heart is concerned. Don't TELL yourself to fall for SG, just go with it... HUGS to you!! You are making a valid point. But whether we admit it or not, MM haunts our thoughts after ending the A. Often times we carry into the relationship what was dysfunctional in the previous one. It is only up to us to open up to the new relationship. In the case of OWs, we should be more ready for relationships with SG. I am not saying that we should put up with SGs if it is not working but you cannot condemn any possible relationship because of MM. Give the SG a chance. Be patient with him and with yourself.
Author izzybelle Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 kmt - Maybe it's not MM that's haunting your thoughts...maybe this new SG just isn't "the one"? this is the other thought that i struggle with too. and part of me thinks that that may be the case. but at the same time, i can't figure out why he couldn't possibly be "the one." that excitment, the butterflies just aren't there...well that's not totally true, they make an occassional appearance but not regularly. he is a great guy, and there's so much about him that is exactly what i'm looking for. and i know there are others out there and i shouldn't get so wrapped up in trying to figure this all out. but i guess i'm just so afraid that i've lost that ability to feel for someone. that i can't relax enough to just give in to the feelings because i'm afraid the bottom will fall out. my MM friend who's divorcing has been helpful in talking to me about these things. he's very much functioning under the guise that as he gets over his W dumping him that he has to have a series of meaningless relationships before he's ready for a serious one. and even then, he suspects that his first serious one will end in disaster because he's not even close to ready to be someone's partner again. and he's suggested to me, that i'm just testing the waters and that my heart just isn't ready yet, but will be in time. and that when the right person comes along, i will be. and i hope that's the case. i just worry that i'll pass up someone really worth being serious about because i just can't give in to my emotions. i know i just need to relax and let things take their course. i know i can't force it...you're right. and i know the pitfalls of trying to feel something for someone, just because i think i should.... i've been there in relationships before. and i wonder if i'll ever be able to trust someone again. it's been a while since i really felt anger towards MM, and i know this is my own doing, but dang, i've just wanted to scream at him over the past few days! this too shall pass...... thanks for the hugs! izzy
Author izzybelle Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 fanou, i am definitely carrying what was dysfunctional around with me and it's getting in the way. i know in time it will pass. and i guess that's why i'm trying to hang in there with SG even though i have my doubts. i feel that maybe in time something will happen and the walls i've built will all come crashing down around me. i feel like i need to give this a fighting chance with him and since we don't have an "exclusive" dating agreement at this point, i don't feel like i'm involved and perhaps missing someone else. MM swept me off my feet, so fast my head was spinning. so i know i'm being a lot more cautious this time but geeeez ....
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