Interracial Relationship Issues

[coconutexas]

I tried to keep this short and sweet, but details are important… If you read and offer advice, I will be very much obliged.

 

I am a 33 year old white male, come from a farming family, and was raised in a small town. The best thing that ever happened to me was leaving it for college. I have never been closed-minded to people based on skin color. I know it is cliché, but my BFF since 8th grade is a black male, I am his 3 kid’s Godfather.

 

Leaving the small town, and visiting once monthly (average), has made me realize how screwed up the people there are… family included. In my absence from home, I have dated women from various races/ethnicities (black, white, brown, green, etc.); I love all women… only a silly man would limit himself to one flavor, IMHO. However, not many of the women I have dated ever made it to the folk’s home. Mainly because the relationships fizzled out before I could take them home. However, I have had a couple of white girls make it home and a Lebanese girl meet my family. I never encountered any pushback… However, it seemed like no one was ever good enough. I started dating a black girl, now my ex, as of 2 months ago, after a 2 year relationship. My mother (father is deceased) lost her mind, and basically banned me from bringing her home ever, and initially stopped talking to me for the first 5 months of our relationship. That was extremely difficult for me, my mom and I have always had such a great relationship. My g/f and I endured the hardships (can’t take her home, family showed no interest in getting to know/meet her, etc.).

 

Fast-forward 2 years, and things really hadn’t changed between my family and us. My mom had begun talking to me, but would never bring up my ex, and if I mentioned anything we did/were going to do, it would send my mom down an angry path filled with ugliness. I eventually learned to not bring her up… I regret I allowed my mom to control me so much.

 

Almost 2 months ago, my ex and I sat down and had a long conversation about them, the future, and us. She started feeling like things with my family would never change, and basically told me it was time to make decisions. My ex had told me from the beginning, having a big family (meaning in-laws) was important to her. Rightfully so. She told me that if my mom/family couldn’t accept us, then maybe we need to end the relationship…

 

Now let me also explain, my ex was 100% committed to us. She talked marriage after 1 year. I guess she just was hoping my mother would come around eventually? I never really gave my ex anything to believe in when it came to conversations about our future, and I realize my error, but I didn’t want to fill her head/heart with false hope. So as she was saying, “Let’s get married!” I was saying, “Well lets just see where this goes.” My biggest fear was getting married and my family no-showing. This fear paralyzed me...

 

Wanting to avoid a breakup, I went home that weekend and confessed to my mom, my love for my ex, and explained to her how she was impeding our ability to take the relationship to the next level (remember my g/f wanted to be accepted by in-laws and have a big family). My mother went into another anger-filled rant, and basically told me to go to hell, stay away, yadda, yadda, yadda…

 

That night, I drove back to where I currently live, and we ended the relationship. I haven’t spoke with my mom in almost 2 months now, and don’t really care to. I don’t hate her, or feel angry towards her. I pity her, and feel extremely hurt and disappointed. I realize, now, at 70 years old, my mom is probably not going to change her spots. So, I don’t talk to my ex or mom/sister/brother/etc., b/c I really don’t have much to say to anyone. No one ever stood up for me, as I have done for them so many times. I haven’t even told them I broke up with my ex...

 

My issue is this… I don’t know what I want. Let me explain.

 

With my mom basically paralyzing my relationship with my ex from the jump, I was never allowed to develop clear feelings. I mean, I totally adored my ex, but always felt that it wouldn’t work b/c I knew my ex’s wants, as well as knew that if my family forsaken our relationship, there was a great chance we would/could never get married. I guess I always held back a little. I hate that my mom can dictate future relationships now, which means if I don’t want her to pull this stunt again, I should, in her words, marry a wholesome white girl. I don’t want to put perimeters around my heart, and feel I shouldn’t have to either. I spoke with 1 of my ex’s girlfriends, and I know that she still wants to be with me, but I am afraid the only way to rekindle this relationship is to propose. I don’t know that I can do that, which says a lot, but it isn’t b/c I don’t think my ex is wifey material, it’s b/c I’m afraid of the embarrassment of not having family present at my wedding… I mean my wedding is supposed to be the best day of my life, but I am afraid it could be the worst b/c I would essentially be gambling on never/rarely seeing my family again, or not being able to bring my wife around during the holidays. Who wants that? Also, I don’t want to make knee-jerk reactions, and I don’t know if how I am feeling these days (missing my ex something terrible) is due to separation anxiety, or due to real, true feelings. I know this much, she is probably the most amazing girl I have ever dated, and I am a serial long-term dater. I know above I said a lot of girls didn’t make it home to meet the family, but the ones that did usually lasted 1-3 years each. The thought of my ex meeting someone new makes me crazy.

 

How does anyone ever choose someone over his or her family?

 

This sucks. Advice?

 

Thanks.

coconutexas

[Satu]

I would choose your ex rather than your mother/family.

 

It's your life. Marry the person you want to marry, regardless of what anyone else thinks or does.

 

To be blunt, you're allowing yourself to be manipulated by a racist bigot.

 

Anyone who cares about you would come to the wedding, anyone who doesn't come doesn't care about you.

 

Your GF will change her mind about the extended family problem if she really wants you.

 

Man up.

Edited December 9, 2014 by Satu

[Chi townD]

Interracial relationships are hard. But, not as taboo as they used to be. People are seeing more and more interracial couples nowadays. People aren't as surprised to see a white woman with a black guy. But, what's interesting is you're now seeing a bigger influx of white men dating black women in recent times and the biggest group of people having a problem with that is, ironically, black men!

 

 

The thing is, some families have problems with interracial relationships, not because they're racist, it's because they can already see the problems that both of you are going to run into. So, MOST families are more concerned than anything else.

 

 

As far as your mother is concerned, she's just flat out against interracial dating. That's just how she is an what she believes. Can't really change her opinion. So, the question is, what is going to make you happy? If the girl makes you happy and she's happy with you. Then, go for it and screw everyone else. I think the best you can hope for that in time, you're mother might not understand it, but maybe one day, she can respect it.

[coconutexas]

I am unsure how the quick reply works... I don't know if this will go to one person, or to all.

 

First, thanks for responding.

 

I know in the end this comes down to my ex and I deciding if we want to make this work. I am of sound enough mind to know that anyone who has issue with who I am in a relationship with, and thus cuts me off due to varying beliefs, is not someone I need in my life, ultimately. However, I guess the idea of my mom, possibly, being one of those people, hurts a lot, and is scary. As with life, anytime the negative consequences are potentially "large/heavy", it causes a person to second guess. I know that my ex has ALL the qualities I am looking for in a wife, I just need to decide if I can deal with the possible negativity that can result from me choosing to live MY life.

 

Thanks for responses ya'll. As Satu said, this a lot about manning up.

[Gloria25]

Interracial relationships can be difficult not only cuz of pressure from family and society - but there are also issues of cultural differences. I would say the same if you were contemplating dating/marrying a foreigner.

 

Race issues aside, I'd wonder of any chick who only after one year already wanted marriage. IMO, and from that I've seen - it takes a minimum of 1 1/2 to 2 years of actual "dating" (not friends, working together and/or shacking up) to really see if a person is a match.

 

CNN had a show about interracial RLs and there was a couple (white male, black female) who had kids, were pretty successful, but had a strained marriage. They both agreed that they dismissed a lot the potential issues that would come in having an interracial marriage and wish they would have considered them before hand.

 

So, IMO, someone who is pressuring you for marriage only one year into dating you w/o having a mature conversation about what issues you two may face being an interracial couple and how you two will address them (instead of an ultimatum of "me or your family"), is a sign of an immature person.

 

Before people get married, they should have premarital counseling - to deal with all of the "unromantic" things like finances, religion, kids, family and like in this case "race", to see if they are ready for such a big step such as marriage.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Interracial relationships are hard.

 

In the United States.

 

 

I'd taken a woman of any race as long as she was Colombian

 

 

But to OP, follow your heart. I'd try to explain that the situation with my family is not going to ever change so it's better to just get married. Tell her to look at it this way:

 

Who wants racists in the family? It's better if they are not included since they don't even want to be involved in your life.

 

If she can't accept that then idk what to say. Try and try until she accepts?

[Gloria25]

Again, I wanna emphasize that you need to be with someone mature enough to handle issues with race, because they WILL happen. Yes, there will always be racism, discrimination, and also there are people that are simply ignorant (that means, they just don't know any better).

 

I worked with a woman who told me that when she joined the military was the first time she ever saw a black person. She told me that she just wanted to reach out and touch our hair so she could feel what it was made of...I kid you not. Did she have mal intent? No, but someone might have gotten offended by her saying what she said to me and/or if she asked if she could touch their hair.

 

I'm black by race (well, mixed with a little white), but Hispanic by ethnicity. I've had "black" people ask me 'Why don't you listen to "our" kind of music?' when they heard me play salsa music. I also get funny questions about my hair. From looking at me, you'd have no clue I was Hispanic. Shoot, even I made the mistake of not knowing there were others like me when I returned to the U.S. I was cussing out some chick in Spanish to one of my friends, and she turned around and gave me a mouthful right back in clear Spanish. One of my gfs, to this day, I was surprised when she told me she was also Hispanic and she speaks Spanish and is deeper into our culture than I am.

 

My fav podcaster got into hot water when a black woman called her once. The woman was upset cuz her white bf took her to a party and someone said something stupid to her (I don't recall what it was, but trust me, it wasn't that serious)...But she got all bent out of shape cuz her bf didn't go and say something to the person.

 

Well, my fav podcaster asked her why "she" didn't sit down and have an intellectual convo with that person. And, that's my point. Racist or not, you need someone mature enough to handle issues of race when they pop up. By sitting down and talking out whatever, you can diffuse a situation, educate an ignorant and/or racist person (or at least show them how stupid they are for being a racist) w/o demanding your boyfriend start a fight and/or dismiss his friends.

 

For example, if someone would ask me if my sisters and I were related (cuz we all came out with different skin tones), instead of me asking them if they are an idiot....I'd probably say something like "Yea, amazing how DNA works...ever look at a dog with a litter of puppies? Do they all come out alike?" And, I'd smile and probably walk away if they don't get it.

[Elle1975]

My mother is 75, with her own issues. Alcoholic, abused and abusive, depressed, etc.. the good stuff. However, I know she loves me, so I will always pick my mom over anybody. She's got a great heart, with a sore past. Eh.. who is perfect? Who loves me more than her?

 

It's my personal choice. "Personal" means that no one can make a choice for you, not your ex, not your mom.

 

I'd point out that "if you loved your ex you'd pick her over your mom" works just the same for the ex gf "if you loved him, you'd be with him no matter what".

 

My mom is from Northern Africa, my dad is Caucasian. My brother and I look like both of them, just better. Kidding

[coconutexas]

Yes, ignorance is difficult to combat, b/c someone has to be open to education/change... right now, my mom does not appear to be. My ex hypothesized, and her mom agreed, that my mom's stance originates from the fact that she lived in a small town during the 50s, 60s, etc., combined w/ in my home town there is not a large-enough "educated" black community to allow my mom to realize there is no difference b/c of skin tone. I never thought about it that way prior to her stating that, makes sense, but I am embarrassed by my mom. One silver lining is, before our split, I had never shared the hardships of our relationship w/ any friends. However, of course friends ask, "What happened to you two?" I've decided to be completely transparent about this with them, and through my honesty, have realized what a support group I have around me, it's pretty great. In a way, it's been freeing...

[coconutexas]

I'd point out that "if you loved your ex you'd pick her over your mom" works just the same for the ex gf "if you loved him, you'd be with him no matter what"

 

You are right. Trust me I have thought about that. Part of me tells myself, "I let her go for her sake." Meaning, she wants to be a part of an accepting family, which I totally get. One of her friends told me to stop being so considerate.

 

When we split she also said she had doubts about differences in the fabric of who we were as individuals. She later claimed, those claims were her way of trying to find a reason to validate/support her thoughts of splitting up (b/c of the mom thing). I would want to make sure she is honestly "ok" with doubts before rekindling anything.

 

I do wonder sometimes if I allowed this to end b/c of subconsciousness issue...? However, you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and I have been pretty miserable w/o her. It almost feels like I am being unfaithful when I talk to other women (not actively looking, just being out w/ friends and may talk to someone by chance) I am trying to identify if my feelings of missing her are b/c she isn't around, or separation anxiety...

[sm2281]

I am right there with you on the small town interracial thing . . .

 

 

Mama's boy syndrome. I don't mean to put it so bluntly, but men who don't let go of their mothers tend to have a lot of issues with women.

I am a mother, a woman, and also an ex wife of someone whose mother in law largely contributed to why I got divorced. I am also in an inter racial relationship now.

 

I think you are confusing it to be an interracial issue when really it's the fact that you are letting your mom guide your decision.

 

You will never be able to form genuine feelings for someone if your mother is always getting in the way of them, no matter what color they are. If it were a lady of the same race as you, she would still probably pick one thing to linger on and not like about her.

 

If the issue is truly because she is interracial -- who you date -- and what "flavor" they are -- is nobody's business but yours.

[coconutexas]

@sm2281

 

your post made a lot of sense to me... i have always been a mama's boy. growing up, i watched my siblings and other family members disrespect/hurt my mom, and i always vowed to never hurt her like the others. reflecting on what you wrote, i feel you struck the nail on the head. even though i know, with 100% certainty, that my mom's stance on this matter is wrong, i still want to do right by her. a good friend told me the other day when discussing this issue, one of the most helpful moments of clarity came to him when he realized that mama's don't always no best, or make the best decisions. when i think about all the times my mom has offered her opinion on matters, less significant than this, i still weighed her opinion heavier than my own... i think that i need to work on letting my go of mom's opinion, and listen more to my own... easier said than done, but i do believe that is where i must begin.

[sm2281]

The small town inter racial thing can be hard I know.

 

I live in a large city not in the south any longer, and am in my first inter-racial relationship. I weighed heavily on this matter and the ill will and lack of acceptance doesn't matter that much to the rest of the world. Unless you are around a bunch of racist people. . . .it is difficult in it's own ways. I had a hard time telling my father that I was in an inter racial relationship, because well in the small town south, if you are a well to do white woman, we'll - you just don't do that. I understand about that. I was never racist or prejudice in any way. As a matter of fact, in my earlier days I wanted to be a civil rights attorney, and studied slavery and the civil rights movement heavily. So it comes easy to me to accept our differences as a couple. It was more difficult for me to tell my dad because I knew he would be disappointed.

 

As for the inter-racial things and how it affects your parents, I tried to explain it to my current as this.

 

When you are born, your parents have an idea in their head of what it is going to be like to parent a child. How they are going to turn out when they grow up. For most parents that means a dream of their children having a great carreer, wife, kids, etc. The American Dream. It's sort of an expectation that just 'is' when you are born.

 

Sometimes things happen in our lives that change that expectation.

 

some people have children who get sick and disabled, and that crushes their dreams. other's take carreer paths their parents don't approve of. and some of us date outside our race.

 

The idea is that when a parent has this picture in their head, and they imagine their child's wedding, or the first holiday they bring their fiance home, or who they are going to have in their lives for back yard bbq's and all that good stuff -- chances are -- they pictured someone of their own race.

 

That is why it is upsetting.

 

 

As far as the mother issues - I understand where you are coming from, but I think you have to make your own decisions. I try to ask my dad his opinion all the time. Not because I need him to tell me what to do, but because I respect his opinion. Sometimes I do take his advice when it is best fitting for MY life, sometimes I dont. You can still ask your mom for her opinion, and respect her, but that doesnt mean you always have to take her advice. She only needs to know she is needed. I am a huge daddys girl. Huge. Even now, and I am grown. But my life is my own. I love my dad, but live my own life, and make sure he knows he is still needed and respected.