blackcat777 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 This is a tricky title, because closure comes within. Breakups are terrible rollercoasters of emotion, and for me, it seemed like every time I hit a new "stage"... sadness, anger, apathy, whatever... there was a new rollercoaster of emotions that accompanied it. It struck me one night as I was locking up and leaving work that I was played. All of it, the whole time, every second of this "perfect" relationship had been a scam. I couldn't make sense of it before. For months I cried, and in the beginning I pored over the pile of love letters, all the seemingly "wonderful" things did guy did for me, the endless proclamations of love, and I asked myself, "How? How could someone who loved me so much DO this?" And they say, if they love you, they'll be back. Well, this guy didn't come back. The answer is, someone who really loves a person that much doesn't up and bail. ERGO, he never loved me. Never. Not for a second. Not a speck. Suddenly, everything made sense when I stopped believing his words... and, the hardest part for me... his actions towards ME. He always called, always pursued, always flagrantly displayed this amazing love, and I thought I had finally found everything I ever wanted, because I found a man who was completely into me and hellbent on constantly expressing his love. I noticed he lied constantly to others--though, it was often to family members who treated him badly, so I erroneously assumed that if *I* treated him well, he'd never do this to me. Wrong. He had a penchant for scamming companies for money. He told me white lies, but the ones I caught him in seemed benign, like he was trying to impress me. He was extremely meticulous in covering his tracks with the big ones, so I never had any real reason to question him... especially with all the epic declarations of love and constant action on his part. Long story short, he wanted a place to stay. When I examine the relationship in THIS context, rather than the context he presented to get what he wanted... it's quite clear that he did and said whatever he needed to in order to "secure" a safe place to sleep 5-6 nights a week, until he had somewhere new to stay. So he lied, professed his love, whatever. Even that would be easier to cope with, by itself, except... This guy was completely twisted and also seriously got off on all the attention and adoration I showered him with. He was deliberate and cunning. It was like a game to him, to see how invested he could get me before he planned to leave (which he planned the entire time). He constantly initiated talks of the future, told me he loved the way I gave myself to him, constantly encouraged me to send him more love letters. It was all ego. There's no point in writing pages about the details, but... I realized I was used, both for a place to stay and as fodder for his ego. I was a total trophy kill. I can't beat myself up because the act he staged was award-winning. In the future, I will question a boyfriend's behavior toward all other people more closely, even if it's fine toward me. The most difficult part to accept was that if the whole thing was a lie, it forever taints all the good times. However, viewing our "good times" through a different lens--not of love, but of dragging me around in public as a trophy--changes my feelings about the experience. He'd always want to "show me off to his friends." He "showed me off to some new friends" just days before he dumped me. I was so flattered; I thought he was that in love. No, I was a source of entertainment, a novelty. God knows what he said behind my back when I was gone. Look at this hot older chick I'm banging. She brought me breakfast in bed before work the other day. All I have to do is say some $h!t about what we'll name our cats when we're living together, and she'll do anything for me. What a fool. I wish it hadn't been too good to be true. I did get some cool new dance moves out of it. I worked hard at improving myself along the way (because the thought of finding a relationship I wanted to invest in shook me to self-improve), so the time I invested in working on myself while we were together was definitely not a waste. I've been sick in bed for the past three days with a sinus thing and I think it's this whole relationship finally coming out of me. I haven't been sick since I moved away from my ex before this, and the day after I cleaned out my closet and threw away everything that had anything to do with our life together, I ran a fever. So it goes. I was so awesome to him. I feel bad for the next girl. There are a few strange statements he made that linger in my mind and make me suspect he may have done this to the (older) girl before me, too. I'll never know. It's best if he never comes back. A tiny part of me would still love to slam the door in his face if he knocked, but it's best never to stir the hornet's nest of crazy. God knows what would motivate him to return, if he ever did, but none of the answers I could come up with are good. 1
johnson_j Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 It's amazing, and shocking sad how poorly some treat others. I also doubt you have closure. If you did, you wouldn't even think twice about wanting to slam the door in his face. it would be more like "blah who cares" Sounds like you'll be a great catch for a good man someday. 2
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