acrosstheuniverse Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 IMO, not wrong. When you're at the point of beginning sexual contact have the talk. If one can have sex, one can talk about sex in an open and honest manner, including STD's and birth control. It's part of being a responsible adult. Do people always do so? Nope! Up to you! So, so true! Honestly, when people feel too awkward or embarrassed to discuss STIs and pregnancy with a partner, they shouldn't be having sex. The point is, sex can either transmit a deadly infection or create a new human being. I like casual sex at times, but even with casual partners I believe in having the baby talk first. If it scares someone off or freaks them out, then sex ain't happening. I need to know that the person knows my feelings on an accidental pregnancy before we give it the chance to happen (and there's almost always a chance). When I was a teen, I was dead set I'd have had an abortion. Now I'm in late 20s with a proper job and my own place, I couldn't, and I'd go through with the pregnancy. I think it's only fair for a guy to know this before sex so that he can choose not to sleep with me. Luckily I've never caught an STI, or gotten pregnant. It doesn't have to be difficult to bring up. A simple I'd love to take things to the next level and sleep with you... shall we go to the clinic together so we know everything's clear and we can really enjoy each other without any worries? Okay, sounds cringeworthy written out but basically that's how I'd spin it!
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Good to know. Not that im downplaying it. Never did oral on her though. Just her on me. Herpes 1 is not as concerning ? As it can be contracted via kissing or drinking from an infected cup / glass? She didn't have a cold sore visible unless it doesn't need to be visible? She can give you hsv-1 to genital through oral. I know people don't think about it and they take chances all the time (80% of population have hsv-1 oral). I have a male friend with hsv-1 on genitals he got it from his girlfriend having a cold sore. If you give her oral you can get her hpv in the throat, you can't get her hsv-2 though, at least something positive about hsv-2. You can get the hsv-1 everywhere genital, mouth, eyes, nose, brain. Hsv-2 remains below the belt.
carhill Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 If I were to start dating anyone these days, if it got to the point of 'hmm, I think this might become a relationship and I'd like to make love with this lady', I'd simply make an appointment for a physical with my doc (probably a good thing for a guy my age anyway) and get his rx for labs for STD's and get the draw/urine/swab done and have it for the lady. What I did in the past is simply share that information and ask them how they handled such matters. I didn't wait to be asked or the subject broached by them. I saw that as part of the traditional (in my generation) man taking the lead. It seemed normal to me. Obviously, men vary widely in this area. If minds meet, they do. If not, not.
FitChick Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 If the man tested clean he would have a good excuse not to wear a condom, so you had better have an alternative birth control that doesn't involve him. If he says he will pull out, tell him to deposit $125,000 into your bank account for half the cost of raising a child. Or you could tell him you'll drive him to a urologist so he can get a vasectomy.
Gaeta Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Good to know. Not that im downplaying it. Never did oral on her though. Just her on me. Herpes 1 is not as concerning ? As it can be contracted via kissing or drinking from an infected cup / glass? She didn't have a cold sore visible unless it doesn't need to be visible? Health wise hsv-1 is more concerning as it can spread to the brain and eyes and cause damages but because it is a virus spread by kissing and not sex it's more acceptable by society. Hsv-2 has much less consequences and is less easy to transfer but because it's a virus below the waste it is feared. For catching hsv-1 on a glass the person needs to have a full blown sore on the mouth and leave some of the liquid inside the sore on the glass and you would have to put your mouth on it in a split second before the virus dies. It's a fragile virus and does not live on objects. How likely is that. If you have cold sores on the mouth you are contagious 7 days before the cold sore appears, contagious during eruption and contagious 7 days after the cold sore is gone. This is for an active hsv-1. Most people got hsv-1 oral before they reached 5 years old and will never experience a cold sore during adulthood.
Dork Vader Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Yes I tell everyone I date that I have it. I would never expose someone to Herpes with out their consent. But I will be honest I've quit dating people who do not have herpes. I got dick of dealing with the rejection.
ponchsox Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I applaud you for asking before you get intimate. With all of the Tinder and online hookups happening, herpes and other STDs are spreading like wild fire. My friends poke fun of me because I won't sleep with a girl on the first date and my response is "it's better than scratching my balls for the rest of my life." F that. 3
Danda Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 It's probably a good way to gauge a lot more than just STDs/STIs when you ask, anyway. Do they look like you just launched them into a panic attack? Do they get really dismissive and try to make you out to be paranoid? Do they get really defensive and irritated? Or are they like, "Yeah I agree that's the responsible thing to do, we should get tested together next Saturday when we're both free." Frankly I couldn't care any less about a person's papers if their reaction to the topic is wildly immature. I'd be out, regardless. But I agree with others that it's not much of a first date topic lol.
mysteryscape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 On the first or third date, no it's not appropriate. But once you two get physical, such as kissing, sensual touching, then it's appropriate to ask for medical papers. Well, I would be okay with it if a woman asked. Not all people would act so diplomatically. We need to carry medical papers around in order to kiss or engage in sensual touching? Maybe there is something off with the way we are conducting ourselves?
Silent_Shadow Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 It's would definitely be wiser to live "better safe than sorry" these days. I recently had to get an std checkup cause my ex lied to me by omitting things, and twisting the truth. What a relief it was to be told I'm clean but then again I did have to waste time and money, plus the embarrassment. Meh. Simple solution to avoiding stds these days is always wear a condom, no exceptions and this is only with people you trust in that way. The 99% peace of mind solution, your way is actually quite better and only if more people thought with their brains and not give into sexual impulses these days, there'd be less stds out there...
mysteryscape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 They don't always prevent std's. And who likes the way they feel? Might be better just to take matters into one's own hands, so to speak?
neowulf Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Sign of the times. I make a point to get screened after each relationship for that exact reason. Always happy to provide the info and I'm even happier if the woman offers her own freely.
mysteryscape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I make a point to get screened after each relationship for that exact reason. Always happy to provide the info and I'm even happier if the woman offers her own freely. So what does a standard "screening" consist of? I had a friend who did it a number of years back and he said it was rather unpleasant.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) So what does a standard "screening" consist of? I had a friend who did it a number of years back and he said it was rather unpleasant. It's not any more unpleasant than any other doctor's visit. You get your blood drawn and provide a urine sample. You'll spend longer waiting in the office than you will actually having tests. If you have symptoms of a disease, well, that's a different story. The "good" news about that is that they can probably diagnose you on the spot just by looking. A standard workup includes HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and hepatitis B. You will have to ask for a separate HSV test. Most people don't screen for HSV1 because about 80% of the population has it already, and HSV2 blood tests can be inaccurate, so doctors won't give them unless they have reason to believe you've been exposed. In the US, roughly 1 in 5 unmarried women in their 30s have HSV2. The rate is even higher in Europe. If she's never had outbreaks, and many people with HSV2 haven't, and she's never been tested, then she wouldn't know. HSV2 can also stay in the body for years before an initial outbreak, so there's no way to tell if you got it from your current partner or that chick you met at a college party three years ago. I would not worry about HSV1. As someone else pointed out, about 80% of the world's population has it, and the majority of those have never even had an outbreak or their only outbreak was in very early childhood. Most people have sense enough not to have oral sex when they have a cold sore or feel one coming on. And if you catch it, it's not the end of the world; genital HSV1 outbreaks are less severe and frequent than HSV2. There is nothing wrong with asking to be tested together. Don't forget to be tested again three months afterwards to be sure you caught any diseases that might have developed in the transition period (for example, if you had a one-night stand shortly before you started dating). Besides, if you manage something that awkward early on in the relationship, it's probably a good sign. Edited December 16, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ 1
Gloria25 Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 In the US, roughly 1 in 5 unmarried women in their 30s have HSV2. The rate is even higher in Europe. I wonder why (referring to the bold)???
mysteryscape Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 It's not any more unpleasant than any other doctor's visit. My friend -- actually, two separate friends -- said that their exams involved unpleasant urethral probes -- maybe they had reasons why they needed extra "attention." Anyhow, pee in a cup and a blood test isn't too bad. If one has symptoms that demand more, then I guess you have it coming.
carhill Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Yeah, apparently no more swab up the urethra for chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc. I remember the first time thinking "what did I get myself into here?!?", as a virgin getting tested for STD's because people were scared about HIV and concerned about the other stuff. The doc was the same as my PCP when doing the prostate check. 'This won't hurt -- much' What some people will do to have sex...... no wonder so many winged it.
AVarma Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Yeah, apparently no more swab up the urethra for chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc. I remember the first time thinking "what did I get myself into here?!?", as a virgin getting tested for STD's because people were scared about HIV and concerned about the other stuff. The doc was the same as my PCP when doing the prostate check. 'This won't hurt -- much' What some people will do to have sex...... no wonder so many winged it. A virgin being tested for STDs? You have my deepest sympathies.
Toodaloo Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Chlamydia and gonorrhea can be tested through bloods these days. When I had my MOT I had scrapings taken, bloods and urine. Not at all nice. Uncomfortable and a bit painful but I would rather do that than not know for absolute sure that I was clear, now I know my ex probably did sleep around behind my back made it even more important to me to ensure I was healthy. Oral sex can pass on nearly as much as penetrative, and some things that penetrative cant so its best to always have the talk and more importantly to stay safe. Ironically I have found that the less promiscuous people are, the more lax they are about their sexual health... regardless of whether their ex partners have slept around or not. Its as though they think that because they are not doing it they can't catch anything even if the person they are sleeping with is...
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 HSV2 can also stay in the body for years before an initial outbreak, so there's no way to tell if you got it from your current partner or that chick you met at a college party three years ago. This is something I never knew. I figured, like a cold sore, if you had caught genital herpes....it would take months to feel or see something down there. I did take my last partner, whom only performed oral sex on me, to tell me that she was clean and the last time she was test was 6 months prior, to having met me, at her OBGYN. I didn't ask for the paper work, but she did provide me the routine in which she had been tested.
carhill Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 A virgin being tested for STDs? You have my deepest sympathies. Back in the 80's, with the HIV scare, no one in their right mind would have believed me if I told them (about being a virgin) so, instead, I simply cleared myself like anyone else who was sexually active and wanted the information. Also, depending on person, there are many levels of 'virginity'. Some people place virgin status at the PIV level. No dickinsider, virgin. Others place it at the genital level; no genital contact (manual, oral, anal, vaginal, etc), virgin. As one finds out, other contacts (oral and anal are examples) can transmit STD's without the penis getting into the vagina at all. That was how gay men transmitted HIV since men don't have vaginas. I think, if the OP addresses sex in a straightforward manner, they will have a positive outcome.
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