ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I'm working through blaming myself for the relationship's demise. I know we were both at fault, that it takes two people to make a relationship work, but I made a lot of mistakes. Since the relationship ended a couple years ago I've spent a lot of time trying to make up for it. doing things for her that kept me attached because I wanted to make it right. I've apologized but in my mind the only true absolution I can receive is another chance. She has moved on, and I feel like our communication, which is required because of our child, is this weight on her, that my being hurt that she has moved on is causing her more pain. I want her to be happy, I truly do. So my being stuck is only hurting her more. I want to stop causing this woman more pain and I need to heal myself to do it. What has everyone else done to forgive themselves?
Mitzimojo Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 So you need to forgive yourself. It's just that simple. You are correct that it takes two people to destroy a marriage and that blaming yourself is not helping you or your child or your ex wife. You need to let go of your idea that doing things for her will make up for any guilt that you have and you need to let go of the idea that the only way to be absolved of this is to be given a second chance. You know that the first thing is not effective and the second thing not possible. Have you sought therapy? Or considered working with a life coach. What you really need to is make a plan for moving forward. The past is the past but the future is yours. Working with someone to get past old feelings and to move forward positively is what you need now. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. Good luck, be strong and don't worry. Everything is going to be amazing.
Ronni_W Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You absolve yourself by telling yourself -- and knowing it to be true -- that you are worthy of being free from all your past mistakes, and that you are worthy of not having to carry the burden (or `karma`) of all your past mistakes through eternity. You DO get to call on your own Higher Power(s) to release you and set you free. I've apologized but in my mind the only true absolution I can receive is another chance. That`s just you making her responsible for things for which you alone are rightly and appropriately responsible, and over which you alone have power, authority and control; and setting her up as if she is your priest or God or somesuch. Clearly it`s not reasonable, nor healthy, nor sane. So...it`s okay to stop that anytime you choose.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I am in counseling to work towards a better future. Have been for awhile. It's the typical roller coaster of emotion where some days I'm certain of a better future and others I'm crippled with guilt. The name of my game is setting unattainable goals and then sabotaging so i don't have to expect anything out of the future. Recognizing the pattern and breaking it are two different things but having you all address it, written out clearly certainly does help. The "knowing it to be true" is my hang up. Some days I can feel it and know I'm worthy of being forgiven but then I'm back in bad patterns later in the week. I struggle with the higher power concept, always have. I imagine a good dose of healing will take place when I can reconcile my thoughts on that subject.
Ronni_W Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) I struggle with the higher power concept, always have. I imagine a good dose of healing will take place when I can reconcile my thoughts on that subject. Sorry about that. I actually Googled the definition of “absolution” and, given that your ex has clearly forgiven you and moved on, I went with the idea that you must be struggling with it from the “ecclesiastical declaration of forgiveness of sins” point of view. (Not that this is, or is not, part of my personal philosophy/belief system, only that I assumed – obviously wrongly – that it must be part of yours.) On the other hand, of course, Science or Money or Love or Fame (or whatever) can also be held as one’s ‘higher power’. So there’s that . Guilt. Some sources say that guilt is nothing but a very clever version of self-pity. Which, I can see that definition, also. But...no reason why you can’t put some different words to the feeling, and see if that stirs/inspires anything new/different/interesting for you. Best of luck. Edited December 10, 2014 by Ronni_W spelling
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