RedButton Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 So I was really improving a lot in the last few weeks, feeling much better and trying to get on with life. Still thinking about my ex every day, but not being miserable about it. Not sure why, but in the last few days now I've been getting very down again. Not sure what it is causing this reversal but it could be a few things. I'm pretty upset since I thought I would be steady progression from here. I have had a lot of issues going on with family that might have contributed, making me feel more lonely or worried with one less person to turn to. I live in a different country to my family and oldest friends which makes it hard. I guess it's also just been a case of having trouble with my plans falling through recently and struggling to fill the hole that was left. I feel angry at myself that I haven't been able to bounce back as well as I feel I should. I think maybe it's just feeling more lonely as well recently, after a certain amount of time I realise that I lost a chunk of my social life and I'm not sure of the 'right' way to fill it up again. tl;dr: Feeling like I'm going backwards this last week. Anyone else experience this, or find it hard to move on or have their plans to do so fall through sometimes? Some tips to get back on that horse? I've at least been solid with not contacting her since the breakup, as hard as it was in the first month.
willpower321 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Yep. I have been doing the same thing this past week for some reason. So it was easy for the first month then same as you I kind of lost it this past week really sad and even more angry. So anyway the way I have been dealing with it is that I have thrown myself into the gym and began eating very healthy. I have also been keeping myself busy. I too have so much extra time now it is crazy and I figure I want something positive to come out of this so my plan is to workout and feel better. - Get healthy. It has been helping... Maybe too write your feelings in a journal. Like if you wanted to say something to your ex or be super nasty just write it down it feel better...Take pride in your appearance & start loving yourself again. Turn to your religion? Volunteer? Do anything but break NC.
DenverDude Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I'm right there with you bud. My ex broke up with my Halloween night, so I am also right at the 1.5 month mark. It's like I am riding an extreme roller coaster of emotions. Like you, I had been making some pretty good progress (well, at least I think so.. reading my past posts it wouldnt seem like it) -Met a really cute girl who is basically perfect and she is really into me. -Been going to the gym pretty much daily to get cut and also get 6 pack abs (something my ex would always throw in my face - apparently I didn't have the body as her previous ex) -Been doing a lot of things on my own to discover the 'real me' again -Reconnecting with old friends and making new friends. -I've been working a lot and also skiing a ton at all of the various resorts out here. But for some reason, I woke up this morning in a funk. Truth be told, I miss her like crazy. I deleted pictures on social media yesterday and it brought back many memories. Hell, just seeing her in pictures almost made me have a panic attack at work! I guess my point is that you are not alone. This path to recovery isn't easy. No matter how high you are, you will eventually come down. However, one day, the highs will outweigh the lows and you will find your perfect balance. I can't wait for that day. I really want to send her a picture of our pet because I know she misses him a ton. But I won't. I can't. 2
Author RedButton Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 Thanks for the replies guys. I think I've done pretty well keeping busy, what annoyed me was a lot of my plans to fill that free time got thwarted in various ways. Wanted to take up fencing but the cost and my work hours stopped me. Also had similar issue joining a gym. On the plus though last weekend I found a good deal on some weights and bought those, so they will arrive Thursday and I can start a regular work-out routine again. My job isn't all that engaging so I don't find it a good escape, but i'm trying to focus more on my own projects and writing in my spare time. I had some real block trying to work on one project, but I think that's because it's just about done a first draft now, so I'm going to leave it to simmer and come back to it later. Once I realised this I felt better and I want to start writing a synopsis and overview of another idea I had. As for friends, this is the toughest since I don't have a lot of friends and no family here (moved here a year ago). My ex therefore made up a big portion of my social life. Thankfully, the friends I do have are great and I can spend time with them. Looking to try and make some new friends and do new things as well, but finding it hard to be motivated sometimes since I oscillate between feeling positive about it and just wanting some time alone. I think I got worse recently due to some family issues (Family member in hospital) and I didn't have that outlet to talk to someone close about it in person.
The Poster Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 The roller-coaster of emotions isn't a short one. Eventually though, there will be more high than lows. Hang in there and just ride the wind.
SoThatHappened Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 What you're experiencing RedButton, DenverDude, and willpower, is 100% normal. After experiencing it myself at the 2-3 month mark, I now understand what it is. I was doing well, too, at about 10 weeks after the breakup. When I'd think about her, I'd say, "f*** (her name)" and be so glad I didn't end up with her. I was improving. Then the finality of things really hit me: It truly was over. That's it. Before that, I'd always think, "she's going to contact me or come running back." Once I realized that may NOT be the case, it hurt. It's like reaching a false-summit, only to discover you're actually halfway to the top. However, you just keep climbing and the starting line gets further and further away. 1
Mitzimojo Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Keep in mind that it is the holidays. No matter what, emotions get intensified this time of year. I have been divorced for years and recently old issues of anger and resentment have resurfaced. It's the holidays. Less than one month and they will all be over and it will be a New Year. In the meantime, allow yourself to continue to grieve the loss of your relationship but try not to let yourself wallow. Allot some time each week to putting yourself out there but also allow yourself to stay home and just be. You need both. Remember the phrase "Two steps forward, one step back." That's especially true of grief. Just remember that you are taking two steps in the right direction and only one step back. Soon it just be the two steps forward. But give it time and cut yourself some slack when its one step back. Good luck, be strong and don't worry. Everything is going to be amazing. 1
Author RedButton Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 It's like reaching a false-summit, only to discover you're actually halfway to the top. However, you just keep climbing and the starting line gets further and further away. Reminds me of that Bowie song 'Up the Hill Backwards' and the phrase it supposedly came from "He went up the hill backwards so as not to see how high it was". I'm trying to do the same and take it one step at a time, not worrying about how far I have to go, so long as I keep moving. As you said, I still have this odd faint feeling in the back of my head that she's going to text me or try to get in touch, even though I realise at this stage the chances are slim to none. Also Mitzimojo: You're correct the holidays are probably also affecting me. I was looking forward to spending Xmas and NY together but now I don't even have family around for the holidays. 1
tikay00 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 What you're experiencing RedButton, DenverDude, and willpower, is 100% normal. After experiencing it myself at the 2-3 month mark, I now understand what it is. I was doing well, too, at about 10 weeks after the breakup. When I'd think about her, I'd say, "f*** (her name)" and be so glad I didn't end up with her. I was improving. Then the finality of things really hit me: It truly was over. That's it. Before that, I'd always think, "she's going to contact me or come running back." Once I realized that may NOT be the case, it hurt. It's like reaching a false-summit, only to discover you're actually halfway to the top. However, you just keep climbing and the starting line gets further and further away. Wow, this is definitely going to prepare me. I guess I got that finality when I checked her FB page, and she updated her relationship status. But yeah, the first month I was like, "wow, I don't need her!", but like you, always had that little part of me that figured she'd contact me one day, and test out the waters. In reality, that's probably what got me through the tough times. I guess I have a head start on the finality moment? Hopefully lol. 1
SoThatHappened Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I still have this odd faint feeling in the back of my head that she's going to text me or try to get in touch, even though I realise at this stage the chances are slim to none. I had that feeling too, but she did contact me. Two months after the breakup (and NC) she emails me to say she'd drop off a couple of my belongings at my doorstep. I told her to throw the items away and to not come to my house. I thought that was the last communication I'd get as we had nothing else tying us together. That's when the finality hit me. But, she contacted me 6 weeks later to say I was heavy on her mind and that she's sorry. I ignored that sh** (thanks to advice from many on this forum). Wow, this is definitely going to prepare me. I guess I got that finality when I checked her FB page, and she updated her relationship status. But yeah, the first month I was like, "wow, I don't need her!", but like you, always had that little part of me that figured she'd contact me one day, and test out the waters. In reality, that's probably what got me through the tough times. I guess I have a head start on the finality moment? Hopefully lol. You're exactly right when you said the thought of them contacting you gets you through the tough times. At least you know the finality moment is coming if you haven't realized it already. Wish I'd have had a warning! 1
NopeNah Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Wow, this is definitely going to prepare me. I guess I got that finality when I checked her FB page, and she updated her relationship status. But yeah, the first month I was like, "wow, I don't need her!", but like you, always had that little part of me that figured she'd contact me one day, and test out the waters. In reality, that's probably what got me through the tough times. I guess I have a head start on the finality moment? Hopefully lol. peep this song. 1
Author RedButton Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 I had that feeling too, but she did contact me. Two months after the breakup (and NC) she emails me to say she'd drop off a couple of my belongings at my doorstep. I told her to throw the items away and to not come to my house. I thought that was the last communication I'd get as we had nothing else tying us together. That's when the finality hit me. But, she contacted me 6 weeks later to say I was heavy on her mind and that she's sorry. I ignored that sh** (thanks to advice from many on this forum). That reminds me, I have something of hers I need to return at some point. I'm hoping that sometime in the new year I can worry about that. If I'm still not doing great I can arrange for someone to pick up or I can leave it somewhere for her to pick up. I feel like it's different to me, as although I'm upset that the relationship ended, I'm also not angry towards her. I don't think she did anything wrong but rather things couldn't/didn't work between us. I'm hoping at some point I can see her to return her things and be able to see each-other before I have to leave the country again.
willpower321 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 It makes so much sense now to me that we all are feeling it a few weeks or months later because it is hitting us that the relationship is actually over... So true!... And deep down I guess everyone wants to hear please come back I was wrong etc etc... And we obviously are not hearing this! I guess keep focusing on our new lives - without the ex and get excited about what is to come of ourselves alone rather than with them. There is so much possibility out there without being tied down to someone I have been realizing... Even something as simple as being able to just go anywhere and not having to check-in or ask if my SO wants to join etc... 1
Chin Up Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 It was the 1.5 mark that a cracked and sent my ex a text. Good on you for not acting on a moment of weakness. *applaud!* Monday was 8 weeks/2 months that we've been broken up. He never did reply to that text I sent, and as much as it stung at the time, GOOD! I don't know about you, but I no longer miss the anguish that came with being in contact. No Sir, not one bit.
Firestarter1069 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 That reminds me, I have something of hers I need to return at some point. I'm hoping that sometime in the new year I can worry about that. If I'm still not doing great I can arrange for someone to pick up or I can leave it somewhere for her to pick up. I feel like it's different to me, as although I'm upset that the relationship ended, I'm also not angry towards her. I don't think she did anything wrong but rather things couldn't/didn't work between us. I'm hoping at some point I can see her to return her things and be able to see each-other before I have to leave the country again. Same with me, I'm not mad at her one bit, and I told her this several times. At first she said to me that it's too early for me not to be mad at her, she knows she hurt me even though it was NOT a bad break up at all. She just had to do her thing. Had I not read up on her condition immediately after I left her place I might have had a different reaction. Funny thing is I was just at the doctor yesterday and I'm now being treated for GAD(General Anxiety Disorder) which in my opinion was triggered a little by the breakup. However the doctor told me from what I told them I've been suffering through this for a few years now. Way before I even met my ex. Small world I guess, made me wonder if that's what made us connect so easily in the first place.
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