Where to go from here

[Igelkott]

I will have to share some background info first for this to make sense.

 

I have been dating this guy for 1.5 years, it was a long distance relationship but we saw each other regularly and spoke daily. It was always the plan that I would move. I was born in the country where I live now, I have never lived anywhere else, however, due to the fact that my parents are foreigners I am also a foreigner. I do have permanent residency, however, if I leave for longer than six months I lose it.

 

Up until middle of November, I was working on a university degree. This means I have been incredibly busy for the last year.

 

My boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, has been weird for about a week now because for the past few months I've told him that I need to get the nationality in this country before I leave (it would take less than a year). I can't just risk losing my home, the place where my family and friends live. I think this is pretty obvious and understandable.

 

Now he acts like a brat and lectures me for not having done it before and even appears to suggest that I was never serious about it, that I "forgot" about it. I haven't, obviously. But like I said, I have been studying 14 hours a day for my university degree, when does he suggest I would have done it? Also, I had no income during that time so dishing out several thousands was just not an option. What irks me is that he seems to expect me to do everything. He just sits there and waits for me to appear and then gets disappointed and moans like a brat when things don't happen the way he imagined.

 

Like I say, he has been weird for about a week. I am currently in the process of finding a job here to be able to apply for the nationality asap, and instead of being supportive, he is moaning. Last night I had enough and told him to snap out of it. We also talked about the option of him moving here for that year it would take to get my nationality, but of course he doesn't want that. Compromise seems to be a word he doesn't even know how to spell. For the record, it would be no problem for him to move here. In his job he'd make twice the amount he makes right now and we'd be able to save up a decent amount and then move after a year and possibly buy something. In any case, we'd be able to live better than now, when I would go over without having a job, with knowing that I am losing my permanent residency here, and without having any money in my pocket.

 

This morning I woke up to a message from him whining about how the fact that I "forgot" about the nationality shows that something is not right. I'm honestly speechless since this amount of naivety is shocking. He seems to think that everything is so easy. He also complained about us being different. Which is silly because we get along just fine. Yes, we aren't exactly the same, but who is? It seems like a silly excuse.

 

I'm mainly annoyed at the fact that he expects me to give up everything but he himself isn't even willing to sacrifice a year. For the record, I'd be willing to continue this long distance until I get my nationality. I am still prepared to move, and I never ever said I would not, I merely told him that I need to get this nationality first so that if I want to come back one day for whatever reason, I can.

 

I have not responded to his message and I honestly don't think I will. Generally, he is quite considerate and caring but for the last week or so he's been strange. When I asked him what was up he refused to say, claimed he doesn't know. Then this morning I receive that message. He ended the message with "it's just not working".

 

I don't even know if I have a concrete question for you guys. I guess I just needed to rant. I don't think I will respond to the message because it upsets me that he is so inconsiderate. Has it ever occurred to him that the situation is hard on me as well? It's not my fault I was born to foreign parents, it's not my fault that I can't just leave whenever I please. I have to be mature about this decision. I told him I would move, just not RIGHT NOW. He seems so egotistical to me.

Edited December 9, 2014 by Igelkott

[StalwartMind]

You are quite clearly a lot more mature than he is. All depending where in the world you live, which for that matter is irrelevant to the topic at hand, it can be a very difficult and long process to get papers in order. Some countries are literally like the last human bastion on earth, where there are tremendous amounts of papers and rules that have to be fulfilled in order to gain permanent residency.

 

It seems rather obvious he has not put much thought into this at all since he can't see things from your perspective. This is typically a very ignorant way of being, but the most worrisome part is his sheer lack of support. You would think someone who is interested in you, would be understanding and willing to work with you on the best solution. Alas some people just expect things just to handed to them without much if any effort at all.

 

In the most none offensive way, he needs to grow up some and start acting like an adult, that is if he is willing at all to put in any effort to this relationship. You say he is quite considerate and caring, which makes all you've gone through seem even more baffling at best.

 

I know it's easy for me to say this, because I'm of the opinion anyone should be able to say/communicate anything to me they wish, but really it shouldn't be that difficult a concept to understand that with your university, time has not been in favor of you to get much else done.

 

Either way hopefully you can work out something sensible with him, I do have my concerns though, if he's going to act like a newborn infant with something like this, then who knows how he's going to react when other problems arise. :|

[Igelkott]

Thank you for your reply! I have to say that his reaction also made me worry about future behaviour on his part. After all, I'd be leaving my home country for him, so I expect more support. It made me glad that I haven't moved yet because like you say, this is rather worrisome.

 

The thing that also baffles me is that he never really approached the subject, and now acts all offended and disappointed that I didn't somehow secretly plan our lives together. He never really talked to me about how things should be. Where we would live (his current flat is decidedly too small for two people), how *I* would live, considering I've got no savings and no job, how I would contribute to the rent, food, etc. It seems rather naive of him to expect that anyone is capable of moving to another country in the blink of an eye.

 

I still haven't responded to his message because quite honestly, I don't even know what to say. I'm baffled and shocked...and I guess also somewhat angry. I guess the allegation that something "is not right" because I haven't gotten my nationality here and haven't moved yet is what gets to me the most. What exactly has he done? I've been to places, got all the info, got all the documents, am pretty much ready to send them once I have a job – but he literally just sits there and complains because things aren't happening fast enough.

 

A part of me thinks it might be best to just cut all ties now. I do love him but this behaviour is so extreme, unreasonable and unfair in my opinion that it actually scares me.

[Igelkott]

Right, I talked to him last night and he refused to talk about the message he had sent me. He was entirely normal during the conversation, just like he usually is.

 

Today he ignored me until late afternoon. I contacted him and he just gave me short and sort of rude answers. Eventually, he ended up saying that I didn't think about the things he had written. Um yes, that's why I tried to talk to him about them.

 

He's ignored me for several hours now. I am about to just give up and not speak to him again. I am not kidding when I say that it seems like he's suddenly lost his mind. It's like he's insane or something. I actually can't even believe it but I do know that I cannot tolerate this sort of roller coaster ride.

 

I wish I knew why he's suddenly changed so much but I guess I will never find out... .