Break Ups for Men

[SycamoreCircle]

When I was scrambling for answers and consolation during my break up, I was continually perturbed by the surfeit of online support that seemed to only address women. As if women are the only ones who suffer. I liken it to shopping for men's clothing at thrift stores. Very often the men's section is in short shrift and is a panoply of blandness: Dockers, flannel and No Fear t-shirts. While the women's section is acres of eras.

 

LoveShack was the exception.

 

Aww...LS, I love you.

[NopeNah]

You're in luck,my friend! For the low price of $299 and your first born....you too can get your ex back! Honestly...I'd wager guys deal with it a bit worse... my ex isn't on here..guessing,neither is yours? Toss me those 3bills and I'll give you a spill on Nc and false hope?

[SycamoreCircle]

It seems like I ran into a dozen articles online where Narcissist was a synonym for Man.

[lonewalker]

Well. I guess break up hurts both gender equally.

[CT98]

As you say, there's no major if any difference in how men and women feel after a break up; it's agony for both genders.

 

What I found helped at the very beginning or when I'm feeling sh*tty now is watching a manly film; Rocky, Bond, something with Jason Statham in it, war films etc. Thinking 'these are real men, they wouldn't get hung up other one girl who didn't want them', seems kind of stupid but it helped.

[carhill]

It seems, at this late date, to be more socially acceptable for men to commiserate online rather than in personal groups, in my generation anyway. During my D, support consisted of 'hanging out', 'emptying magazines into targets at the shooting range', 'BBQ'ing dead animals' and 'drinking beer', with perhaps a few verbal missiles hurled in the direction of the female gender (my friends are all married) along the way. That was pretty much it.

[CT98]

It seems, at this late date, to be more socially acceptable for men to commiserate online rather than in personal groups, in my generation anyway. During my D, support consisted of 'hanging out', 'emptying magazines into targets at the shooting range', 'BBQ'ing dead animals' and 'drinking beer', with perhaps a few verbal missiles hurled in the direction of the female gender (my friends are all married) along the way. That was pretty much it.

 

I think that's the one real difference between the way men and women handle break ups, it's perfectly acceptable for a girl to go running to her friends crying and getting sympathy.

 

My mates would tell me to stop being such a pussy and move on.

 

From the outside it looks like an advantage to be have a woman's support network, but when you look a little deeper - and this is especially true for me - as a man I think you really get to know just how strong you are alone. I've learnt so much about love, life and myself through this break up and those previous, and I think that's because I hardly have any support network, so I've had to look inside for answers to my pleas and solutions to my pain, meaning I've had to man up and deal with the loss rather than relying on other people to be my emotional crutch.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Tried getting "heartbreak" advice from a car forum before I joined LoveShack. They basically told me to get laid, and stop being a vagina. I mean...they weren't wrong, but some guys go through these things called "feelings" that take a little bit more of clarity to control them. You can't really replace your alternator when you're crying.

 

LS is probably the closest thing to a support website that doesn't make me feel less than a man just because I don't have a trophy wife, I've cried before, and wasn't born wearing a tank top that says "American Muscle" and a blue Chevy Chelleve on the front. Some people on here don't have their head screwed on right, but it's a step in the right direction.

[SycamoreCircle]

I feel like so much of the advice has the guy turning up at a bar drinking his sorrows away or "banging" a random woman, punching a wall. Not to sound like Morrissey, but I just didn't relate to my feelings that way. Those things weren't temptations for me. And I felt like most of the articles I came across were insensitive.

 

Temptations for me? Rotting into my smelly bed linens like compost. Strangling my pillow as I imagined my girlfriend with another man. Piling sleep on top of sleep. I couldn't even stand to listen to music. My concentration was obliterated. A swallow of water seemed like too much.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

It seems like I ran into a dozen articles online where Narcissist was a synonym for Man.

 

The female equivalent is borderline personality disorder (BPD). All over the internet, even here, you see dudes going on and on about their totally crazy BPD ex.

 

The reason for the discrepancy in articles is the same basic principle of advertising to women. Women's advertising is all about how inadequate we are: we're too ugly, too fat, too lazy, too messy, too imperfect. We need to buy this product in order to be "good" and prove ourselves worthwhile. The self-help market is basically founded on our collective low self-esteem. Don't you want to better yourself? Read this! Don't you want to stop being such an ugly, fat failure? Stop eating carbs! Break-up reading is very much the same way. It tries to teach us how to be better.

 

Advertising to men works in reverse. Ads don't suggest that men need help; they affirm that men are awesome and should buy X to be even more awesome. Male audiences respond positively to being told they're macho, and don't respond very well to ads that provoke embarrassment or anxiety (like all women's advertising). What could be more embarrassing than reading an article about dealing with your feelings?

 

I am aware these are unfairly broad strokes, but it's pretty simple. Women are constantly searching out ways to be better because they feel they aren't good enough. Nothing triggers those feelings like a break-up, so there's an endless glut of articles pitched towards them. On the other hand, there's an assumption that men don't want to read or talk about this stuff, so it's not widely produced. There is a small grain of truth to this assumption. Why has there never been a male Oprah telling men they can live a better life if they just do certain things? Because men don't desire one.

 

The most we can do is find the proper way to grieve for ourselves. For me it meant nights in with a bubble bath, a glass of scotch, and a book on military history. (Now that I have a boyfriend again I still do it...but not so often!)

[SycamoreCircle]

Break-up reading is very much the same way. It tries to teach us how to be better.

 

Yes. Better. Actually, the most helpful thing to me was Eastern philosophy like the Tao Te Ching and books and lectures by Alan Watts. I didn't feel like I had to become something other than what I was. The ubiquitous advice to men, GO TO THE GYM, did not apply to me. I'd been lifting weights religiously since I was 16. I didn't go the gym. My routine was abhorrent to me.

 

Eastern philosophy stressed acceptance, going with the flow, letting go of attachments and desire and being instead of having.

 

I would never try to dictate how someone handles their problems, but I agree that it seems most advice out there fits within the framework of consumption, if at the very least the book you are buying filled with reworded common sense.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

The ubiquitous advice to men, GO TO THE GYM, did not apply to me. I'd been lifting weights religiously since I was 16. I didn't go the gym. My routine was abhorrent to me.

 

Going to the gym saved my life after my worst breakup. I'm a powerlifter and those workouts salvaged my self-esteem. After beating up on myself all day, calling myself useless, ugly and stupid, lifting huge weights was a reminder that I really could do something. Besides, there's no time to cry when you're squatting heavy weights.

 

Women are encouraged to have formalized breakup/grieving rituals. We even have stages:

 

- cry nonstop

- eat pints of ice cream in sweatpants and binge watch Netflix

- gain weight, friends express alarm, reach rock bottom

- get dramatic haircut to symbolize moving on

- Pilates, diets, etc

- be better and hotter than ever

- get an amazing new man

 

It's dumb and not even true, but at least we know what's generally expected of us. Men don't even have the benefit of a framework. Aside from going to the bar and getting sh-tfaced, men aren't really given guidance with coping. I'm glad there are websites like this where men aren't called wimps for acknowledging their pain. The more we talk, the better we can understand ourselves and each other.

 

 

* - Despite what romantic comedies would imply, no one does this.

[Danda]

I wonder if it's as simple as the cultural trend of pressuring men to hide their painful emotions? Because it seems like a lot of men try to do just that, and so often seem on the surface to be unaffected all that much by a breakup. Whereas many women will be an obvious train wreck for a little while if the relationship meant a lot to them and the break up was gnarly.

 

Then on top of that I think society furthermore actually fears male emotional pain and male vulnerability (probably why society encourages men to pretend it doesn't exist), and so for there to be thoughtful, educated articles on how men experience emotional abuse, for example, within the context of romantic relationships, would be ripping the can of worms wide open in exposing that pain and vulnerability.

 

So then the result is an avalanche of helpful articles for both women coping with a break up and women coping with the aftermath of emotional abuse in a relationship, where the counterpart articles for men are much sparser.

 

I think maybe also part of it is the fear that a man's pain is way more likely to turn into anger than a woman's (however convoluted that assumption may or may not be), and so it's like

 

Male Emotional Vulnerability --> Male Emotional Pain --> Anger --> Violence

 

As the fear, maybe?

 

So as is typical the general trend is "pretend it doesn't exist and then it won't".

 

Which is ironic and counterproductive, since not understanding and processing one's emotions and experiences, is what actually often results in lunacy.

[IfiKnewThen]

my 2 cents. i enjoyed reading this post. we have some brilliant, clever and funny men here on LS. you all write and express yourselves like professional writers. look what pain has done to you. or brought out in you. you guys are witty beyond belief. and the description of some of your pain is soo descriptive and impacting. its just amazing, how some of you write. as i read this, i thought LS should really come out with a book (hehe just keep me out of it) and share some of these stories, and suggestions and words of wisdom.

 

I mean i know its on the internet....but not everyone knows about this place. but it would probably help alot of ppl to have a compilation of real stories like this in book form. would probably be a number 1 best seller. who hasn't had heartbreak like this and needed to get strength from others.. share tears and get an antidote..and even experience some laughter...bore with this pain. to read what others too have gone thru.. and how we try to get to the other side, and out from under this pain, is very impacting and healing.

 

it's not a "how to", from professionals...its a "how to" from your peers...

 

anyway, LS is good for men and woman. and i do think the sexes learn from each other here as well.

 

i have even been happy to see some actually unite on here. or at least 2 couples i remember from years ago.

 

and i know you guys think women get more support..its true in a sense. but sometimes we get misguidance too from each other. it depends where the support is coming from.

 

maybe i need to hear more women talking to me like john wayne would to a man... and simply say "stop being an idiot and get over him". i definitely need to snap out of my stupor. there might be something to that kind of male support. it always feels like the guy gets over the women sooner or knows how to move on quicker. i dont know lol. but feels like it. but i really know thats not true . but still i feel i could use that mentality of advise now, to snap me out of this. wish it were that simple...

Edited December 13, 2014 by IfiKnewThen