Mudkip Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Hello all, I'm new to forum, and like many, decided to create an account after reading over other's posts looking for help. I'm not quite sure where to begin with it all, but I suppose I'll just jump in with a little backstory: I had been with a girl for nearly three years. I met her when I was fifteen. I had moved from Pennsylvania, where I lived with my mother, to Ohio, to be with my father. Now, everyone has a sob story about their childhood, so short and simple my mother was very abusive, both physically and emotionally, and needless to say that left me with some issues. When I finally left to live with my dad, I was put into a new school where I eventually met her - let's call her Christine. We began dating, and as I said nearly lasted three years. We had been having troubles for some time - mostly the issues were over how I wasn't expressive enough of my feelings for her - didn't compliment her or comment on how she looked or what she did enough, so on and so forth. Now, with the childhood I lived, with an emotionally unstable mother, I will say I grew up not being very expressive. I have lots of little insecurities about it - I usually tend to be passive in that I neither give OR fish for feedback from too many people, even if it's positive. It makes me uncomfortable. I've been seeing a counselor for a couple months, and we've discussed alot about how this behavior is rooted in my fear of being rejected, and that I need to learn to validate myself, and express my true self without fearing if someone won't like me. Regardless, these issues plagued us for a long time. The problems were only compounded by the fact that Christine herself had an emotionally absent mother and an extremely flagmatic father. So she was CONSTANTLY looking for validation of herself in everyone else. And so it might seem that we don't match up - but these insecurities we harbor aren't set in stone, they shouldn't dictate who we are....And I've tried my best on my end , but evidently it wasn't enough, because she broke up with me three weeks ago or so. We had started fighting over everything, even sex. She, it seemed to me, began wanting sex just for sex. She always wanted to do it for the couple months leading to the break up. She always rushed things, and never seemed...I dunno, connected to me during. Like she just wanted to 'get off'. Now, like everybody, I also have insecurities about my body - I'm not exactly skinny, I've got some chub, and I felt like I wasn't being reassured in any way. Not like every time we were together it had to be slow and passionate and all that crap, but it seemed like it was just getting laid to her anymore. I wasn't okay with that, since I always was sensitive to her feelings when she needed reassurance. But eventually, all these things were too much for her, I guess. She broke up with me over a text one night. Said we weren't working out. I called bullsh*t on ending everything so...swiftly, so coldly, after three years. We had issues, but I knew how I felt about her. I love her, I made her the center of my life. So when I drove to the university we both attend the next morning to talk to her In person, it completely blindsided me when she told me she cheated on me. At first I was so angry, we were in my car and I told her to get the hell out, and I drove away. When I was back home I was pathetic enough to call her and apologize....we talked more, and I realized who she cheated on me with. It's this guy she met at her work (a fast food restaurant). He's a complete loser, he's been crew there for two years, doesn't have a car, flunked out of college, spends all his money on smoking pot...I don't understand what he has to offer. Yet a week later they were in a relationship, and they've already had sex....I was her first, and although she wasn't mine, I certainly intended for her to be my last. It makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to think about it, to visualize it, yet that's all I can do. Anyways, she was VERY aggressive towards me, and wouldn't contact me and refused to let me even apologized, even though I gave up my self respect and begged for a week straight...my heart has been broken. For the first time in my life, I have all these feelings that I CAN'T ignore or suppress...all the anger, sadness, hopelessness, the betrayal...everyone's advice is "**** her, find someone new", but I can't do that...I want her, but she doesn't want me...And I just don't know how to deal with it. I've given myself over to this girl, she was so rooted in my life...then she just pulled the rug out from underneath me and left. The thing is, before she left, I stopped having sex with her because of everything I mentioned before...but eventually gave in to make her happy, and we made love once more. And that was literally the day before she cheated on me. It hit me so hard, out of nowhere...it's broken my heart. I don't know what to do with all these feelings, that's why this post is so damn long...so I apologize for anyone finding themselves having to trudge through it all. But in the end, I just want her to come back...to love me and see what I really wanted was her. I just want us to heal, but she says she's happy now with this guy...what do I do?
ConfusedMike Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I feel for you to have to experience that kind of trauma at such an early age, but what you do is move on. She cheated and she's with someone else. It sucks and it'll hurt in places you didn't know existed, but you stay away from her and move on. I'm doing the exact same thing, the only difference is that I didn't break up with my ex-gf the first time. It took time for me to realize what kind of person she was. Despite this, I miss her so much and I love her, but I will never contact her again. I've boxed up everything she's given me over the last 4 years and will leave it in a dark corner out of sight and when I'm ready, I'll donate it. 1
Author Mudkip Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 I'm trying my best at doing that. But...she was an anchor for me emotionally. My counselor has discussed with me that, despite my fears of rejection or what have you, I latch on very tightly emotionally. Maybe because I never got that unconditional, stable love. Whatever th e reason, I have, I've really invested myself in her, in the future I thought we'd have....we'reb young, I'm eighteen, she just turned nineteen...But I still was so serious about her. Thinking back, there are of course alot of red flags I should've paid attention to. But right up to the end, she seemed to love me as much as I thought she did. I feel like she got bored, that she didn't feel that "spark" she seems to think is what makes or beak a relationship. And I feel like she used me to satisfy her own need for attention and affection while she tested the waters for the next guy...I feel so betrayed. :/
Sweetescape910 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I didn't even have to read this whole post to realize that this girl is not good for you in any way, shape, or form. Your worthy of much more than a cheater. If she cheated on you, what makes you think she won't cheat on this guy? We all know it hurts, and it sucks. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, don't block it out. Write in a journal and write her a letter saying everything you wanna say and burn it or rip it into peices. It'll help you move on. The only thing you can do is move on, but a majority people on here have trouble doing so. The only thing that can really heal you is time. And not wanting her back. Because you seem like a good person who didn't deserve to be cheated on, and she emotionally abused you, ask yourself if you deserve someone like that. I know it's hard to replace the great memories with the fact that she cheated on you, but you'll find that moving forward can be done. Don't be so hRsh on yourself, and respect yourself enough to walk away from someone who doesn't respect your feelings. Don't waste your time on emotionally insensitive people. What you attract really is a reflection of yourself. Dwelling on this can and will jeopardize your mental health. I suggest seeing a professional for your trauma, because it can be a lot to deal with. Keep your head up and know it gets easier. Start no contact. 3
Sweetescape910 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Cheating on someone cause their bored is NOT an excuse. If it is the reason why, then her character is truly disgusting and this break up was A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. Although you never had a stable unconditional love in any aspect of your life, now is a WONDERFUL time to work on YOURSELF and learn to LOVE and RESPECT yourself. 2
Author Mudkip Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 (edited) I know. It's just very hard the first time around. I'm not perfect, nobody is. There were alot of times I was so self absorbed with my own problems that I know I was selfish and in the wrong. But her leaving made me see those kinds of things, how I mistreated her at times. But where I feel I can overcome that, she just wants the new guy, and all the excitement he brings...he's in it for the lay, I know the guy. He's far from someone who'll commit. Besides, i know she'll just cheat on him, too, or at least leave him once he's no longer exciting. She's had a long history of jumping from guy to guy...i just thought i was the guy who would end that line. I want her to grow up out of this crap and restart with me...But for now I know all I can do is initiate no contact, though it's driving me insane. Edited December 9, 2014 by Mudkip
ConfusedMike Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I know. It's just very hard the first time around. I'm not perfect, nobody is. There were alot of times I was so self absorbed with my own problems that I know I was selfish and in the wrong. But her leaving made me see those kinds of things, how I mistreated her at times. But where I feel I can overcome that, she just wants the new guy, and all the excitement he brings...he's in it for the lay, I know the guy. He's far from someone who'll commit. I just want her to grow up out of this crap and restart with me...But for now I know all I can do is initiate no contact, though it's driving me insane. So many of us have been cheated on and in many cases, including mine, I accepted her explanations initially, but the trust was completely shot. I questioned everything. I'd want to see her phone, emails, texts, etc. it was ridiculous and yet somehow, she still managed around it. In the end, I couldn't take the lies and deceit anymore. The situation was toxic and completely unhealthy. I didn't want to walk away, this is the girl I wanted to marry. I wanted to go ring shopping last month for God's sake, but with the support of my friends and LS, I did what I had to do this weekend. Did I break up with her? No, just because I said I need to walk away, don't think for a minute that I'm the dumper and I got the last laugh. She was upset and I'm sure in her mind, she's the victim because I said I need to walk away. I still can't believe she told me that I'm the only guy she ever loved and wanted to marry me now...manipulative until the end. You know what's sad? I still love her and can't get her off my mind. I feel like I'm going insane and I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but guess what? I will never contact her again. If I can do it, you can do it. Walk away and don't ever look back. 1
Author Mudkip Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 I have. She's refused to take responsibility for any hurt she's caused me...at first she was very aggressive about it. But after I could finally talk to her a few days ago, she tried to paint it like it was "inevitable", like it was some mutual feeling that we weren't going to "work out". I assume this is just to ease her own guilt, if she even feels any. It's just so hard when I get flashes of her living her new life from pictures on Facebook (before I blocked her) or mutual friends mentioning something. It's like being kicked when I'm already down to see that she's not suffering at ALL compared to what I've been going through...
lolablue17 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 What exactly do you want back? A cheating GF who doesn't give a ***** about you? That's what you miss?
Satu Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Its obvious from the way you express yourself that you're a good and decent person. What you have gone through is very painful, and will be for a while, but you deserve better than what she gave you. Work through it with the support of your counsellor and you'll be OK. No contact would be best. Take care.
Author Mudkip Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 What exactly do you want back? A cheating GF who doesn't give a ***** about you? That's what you miss? Of course I don't want that. It's what I thought she was, or what we had. It's very hard transitioning from a life and a perceived future with this wonderful girl, to realizing what it has ended up becoming. 1
Satu Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Of course I don't want that. It's what I thought she was, or what we had. It's very hard transitioning from a life and a perceived future with this wonderful girl, to realizing what it has ended up becoming. Everything feels very raw and painful now, but you will be able to get over it and move forward to something better. It just takes some time.
lolablue17 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Of course I don't want that. It's what I thought she was, or what we had. It's very hard transitioning from a life and a perceived future with this wonderful girl, to realizing what it has ended up becoming. You can wish to have a fantasy or a dream come true. But if you miss something, it's better to be something that exists, unfortunately not in your case. Now you miss something that wasn't exist at all, only in your mind. And i say... If you want something that is a total fantasy in the imagination world, why not fantasizes about a billion $ or immortality, why being satisfied with so minor fantasy?
Author Mudkip Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 You can wish to have a fantasy or a dream come true. But if you miss something, it's better to be something that exists, unfortunately not in your case. Now you miss something that wasn't exist at all, only in your mind. And i say... If you want something that is a total fantasy in the imagination world, why not fantasizes about a billion $ or immortality, why being satisfied with so minor fantasy? Because I feel that at one time she WAS those things that I find myself missing. But I ignored the red flags as she started changing over time until she eventually did what she did. And I'm grieving that loss.
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