orangetree Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 (edited) Hi, I'm just a bit annoyed right now by my boyfriend and I would like to hear your opinion. Do you say 'please' EVERY TIME you ask for something from your boyfriend/girlfriend? Like things that don't require a big effort, like handing you the toothbrush or pass you the salt. I'm asking because 95% of the time I do say please AND thank you, even if it doesn't require much effort for him ('Can you please give me my toothbrush? Thank you'). Once in a while I don't say 'please', without any intention behind it. Every single time I forget to say please my boyfriend won't do me the favor (aka not giving me the toothbrush for example) and says 'Can you say please?' If I do, it's ok, if not he gets mad. This annoys me very much because I feel like a child when he forces me to say 'please' or otherwise he won't do my the favor. Especially regarding the fact that I say 95% of the time please and thank you (thank you I always say by the way, 100%) and that in general I'm a nice person who does a lot of stuff for him (I bake him cakes, I'm always helpful and nice to him, always appreciate what he does, we barely fight). By the way, English isn't my native language and in my language you don't even use please for small things like handing someone a toothbrush (you just say thanks in the end). What do you think? Is my boyfriend right of expecting a 'please' for every little thing? Or shouldn't he be so damn extreme about it? Thanks. Edited December 9, 2014 by orangetree
todreaminblue Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I think it becomes more about control and training when you demand please and thankyou......withholding things till they say please....i always taught my kids to say please and thank you by handing the item and saying ta......if they said thankyou it was enough for me...on point.....they almost always say please and thankyou......i feel gratitude is a two way street not about control its an action shared....i would not ask a person to say please and thank you every time......some times certain circumstances it is not needed..... the please can be expressed in tone and intimate knowledge of the person and how they speak.....which i have almost always had with someone i am with talk to your bf....tell him how it makes you feel when he demands it and tell him that you will make an effort to ask nicely and to thank him but sometimes you dont feel it was necessary...open the dialogue with him to say why it upsets him when you dont say please and thankyou....apologize if he feels you dont appreciate simple things...when actually you do appreciate when he passes you things and you dont voice it...make an effort to please him and ask him he is willing to do the same and not pull you up everytime...........deb 1
Els Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I usually do say 'please' and 'thank you'... but IMO your bf is being extremely obnoxious by nitpicking on the 5% when you say it 95% of the time. It sounds like he has some sort of obsessive or control disorder. You are supposed to be his partner, not his child. Talk to him about it, if he doesn't see that he's being an asshat then it might be time to bail. 1
shet Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 What a child. Word to the wise, while I haven't had someone insist I say my P's and Q's I have run into a few people down the years who made an obnoxious point of always using them. They're always officious goody goodies, and often it turns out to be a sign of serious therapy of one sort or another. Verbal tics are usually a giveaway of that. They've been taught to say it by someone as a mechanism to manage something.
GSP21 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Lol seriously? My lady friend and I are as casual as it gets. When we go on a formal date or are in public, we are generally more observant of etiquette, but usually, neither of us cares about this stuff. Like the poster above said, this guy sounds like a baby.
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I say please & thank you a lot but not every single time. The fact that your BF makes an issue out of the times you don't is a problem. It's some kind of power game. He may not realize he does this. Have you pointed it out to him?
angel.eyes Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I'm curious...Does he adhere to his own 100% please/thank you rule or does his requirement only apply to your behavior? You seem like a generally appreciative, polite person. To me, he seems somewhat childish and petty. Dating is about figuring out if you're compatible with someone. You aren't on this issue. Is this one of many pointless power struggles in your relationship? If it is, maybe find someone else. 1
Mitzimojo Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I am guessing that your BF has bigger issues with you than the please and thank yous and that he is using that issue to deal with it. You can ask him what is really wrong and he may or may not know. If he can't express it I would suggest that you politely move on. These things get worse not better.... 1
stillafool Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 He was probably brought up by parents who were really strict about manners. (Like mine ). It is second nature to me but I realize most people don't think about it and I don't make a big deal of it.
SawtoothMars Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 By the way, English isn't my native language and in my language you don't even use please for small things like handing someone a toothbrush (you just say thanks in the end). What do you think? Is my boyfriend right of expecting a 'please' for every little thing? Or shouldn't he be so damn extreme about it? Thanks. Here is your problem. If you use the word "please" then you tone doesn't matter. Depending on your native language... it is VERY likely that you may be using a command tone which is annoying as hell if you don't use please in front of it. Even if not... I don't think it's a big deal to ask politeness from someone your dating. If the guy is just controlling then it should also show up in other aspects of your relationship as well. Everyone has different communication needs, he is giving you one of his. It is important that you also do the hard work of expressing to him what YOU need in communication. Relationships work on give and take.
Danda Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 He sounds like a control freak to me, and like he's looking for excuses to start some ****. How is the relationship going aside from this issue? It seems really common that when there are deeper underlying issues in a relationship, one or both partners will start making a huge deal/fuss out of little and/or stupid things. It's basically like they're trying to release some anger/anxiety while avoiding confronting the bigger problems. Probably the most common example I ever see is when a couple's sex life is dead, and instead of the woman being like, "If you're not going to make love to me anymore, I'm out," a massive war over pornography ensues. 1
soyou Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 What is your tone like when you ask him for favors? Is it sweet, normal or, in command? One of my ex-bf's was a bit similar to yours. If I wanted him to do a favor for me and forgot to add the word "please", he would command me to say "please". Otherwise he could by no means doing it ( my tone was in the commando/normal mode" As stubborn as a donkey, I never said 'please' whenever he commanded me. After a while, I learnt this trick which worked pretty well for me and also for him. Everytime I wanted something from him, I would make my tone sound as sweet as sugar. It worked every single time even without "please". If I had asked him to move a mountain for me with my sweet voice plus the word "please" , I'm pretty sure he could have been very glad to do so Eg: "Babeeeeeeeeee, I'm soooooo hungryyyyyyy. Can you take for me some cookiessssss? I loveeee you" "Babeeeeeeeeeee, my back hurts sooooo baddd. Can you massage me? I'm dyinggggg"
Els Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Here is your problem. If you use the word "please" then you tone doesn't matter. Depending on your native language... it is VERY likely that you may be using a command tone which is annoying as hell if you don't use please in front of it. Even if not... I don't think it's a big deal to ask politeness from someone your dating. If the guy is just controlling then it should also show up in other aspects of your relationship as well. Everyone has different communication needs, he is giving you one of his. It is important that you also do the hard work of expressing to him what YOU need in communication. Relationships work on give and take. She did say that despite this native language barrier, she does say 'please' 95% of the time. This guy isn't sitting her down and talking about the politeness issue with her like a mature adult. He's nitpicking on every single time the word happens to be missing, the 5% of the time (if her post is accurate). That's bordering on obsessive and controlling.
todreaminblue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 What is your tone like when you ask him for favors? Is it sweet, normal or, in command? One of my ex-bf's was a bit similar to yours. If I wanted him to do a favor for me and forgot to add the word "please", he would command me to say "please". Otherwise he could by no means doing it ( my tone was in the commando/normal mode" As stubborn as a donkey, I never said 'please' whenever he commanded me. After a while, I learnt this trick which worked pretty well for me and also for him. Everytime I wanted something from him, I would make my tone sound as sweet as sugar. It worked every single time even without "please". If I had asked him to move a mountain for me with my sweet voice plus the word "please" , I'm pretty sure he could have been very glad to do so Eg: "Babeeeeeeeeee, I'm soooooo hungryyyyyyy. Can you take for me some cookiessssss? I loveeee you" "Babeeeeeeeeeee, my back hurts sooooo baddd. Can you massage me? I'm dyinggggg" i think tone can often work wonders........its like a motivational tone i use......with a partner anyway......ill often still say please but you drop the decibels add a bit of a sultry husk on a whisper with a hint of promise.....as i said....tone works wonders......i have a special partner voice.....the guy i am with.....my family know the tone....they always smile...if they hear me switch from normal to .....other....lol....deb
reliablewolf Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Sorry but your boyfriend sounds very controlling - that's not a relationship I would want to be part of. He has no right to demand "please and thank you" specially when you already say it most of the time. Guy sounds psycho to me.
Author orangetree Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 Sorry but I just have to post here again. Tonight my boyfriend started a fight because of me pooping- Yes, you heard right. We have two bathrooms in the apartment and I went to the one next to the bedroom (the other one is upstairs next to the kitchen). He went in right after I pooped and got suddenly super angry and said: 'Seriously? You poop here? You always tell me to poop upstairs but you're allowed to poop here?'... in a really really angry voice. I sometimes tell him to poop upstairs, but only in a joking manner, never seriously (I seriously don't give a **** where he poops.. literally)... and it cannot be that he doesn't get that I'm joking because in those moments he's laughing too and makes jokes. And now he gets super angry that I pooped in that bathroom? WTF? By the way, I poop many times in that bathroom, but my crap doesn't smell most of the time (unlike today a bit), so he doesn't notice. Because of him being super angry I got angry too and told him I cannot believe he really gets angry and starts a fight over me pooping downstairs. Then he just started ignoring me completely and he still does. It happened 5 hours ago and still silence. I don't wanna make the first step because I really don't think it's me who should apologise or do anything..
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