Update: On my own now; how we got here

[compulsivedancer]

CD, I think what some see is how you "flirt" with the notion of "predatory" OM, insider info, privileged access, OM seizing the opportunity, I was naive, it's possible, not sure I believe. And that is from one short post.

 

It is throwing as much **** against a wall to see what one can get to stick...and if it falls off...backtracking and saying...I never intended for it to stick.

 

If the intent wasn't meant to have some of it stick....why throw it in the first place? Are you sure there isn't a part of you that does believe or wants to believe?

 

Well, because it's something I've talked with H about at length. So I evaluated the question. I answered each question that came up as I thought of it.

 

1) Was he? 2) Even if he wasn't, would he be able to influence me? 3) Does it even matter one way or another? and/or change my responsibility one way or another even if it didn't.

 

My training in evaluating arguments is to look at as many aspects as possible and to address each one. I am sorry I was too thorough for your tastes. Aren't we getting a little picky here?

 

The OM doesn't really matter, does he? His thoughts, his motivations, etc, have little to do with whether my actions affected H and my marriage ending.

[lovinDKT3]

There is a lot of over analyzing going on. At the foundation of this whole situation is CD didn't want to be married any longer. She can make all the excuses in the book and blame it on her husband not wanting her. She wanted the unknown, she sabotaged what was remaining of her marriage because she could never pull her mind out of "what if" mode with the OM. In the back of her mind during the entire process of R was this desire for the other man.

 

CD you can attempt to deny, but your actions spoke loud and clear. The question has been posed about you wanting OM over and over again. You deflect, misdirect and evade the question. You defend OM and refuse to look at the possiblity that he used you, even to the point that it caused issues even this far out in your marriage. I don't think you ever wanted R.

 

This keeps going in circles, and you aren't being honest. You claim its a decision that you two come to, I see it as you making him make the decision to pull the plug. You never commited, and looked for the off ramp the entire time. Your blaming everything but the FACT you desire OM.

 

At some point down the road you will have to face that, and own it.

 

I wish you the best of luck, I hope you can find your truth, and learn to be healthy moving forward. I see a long road ahead of you before you reach happy.

[Selfish]

CD, Have you contacted OM again? Do you plan to hook up with him?

[compulsivedancer]

CD, Have you contacted OM again? Do you plan to hook up with him?

 

I am not interested in being with him. I just wanted some answers. He also made it pretty clear that he was not interested in talking to me or having anything to do with me.

[compulsivedancer]

You deflect, misdirect and evade the question. You defend OM and refuse to look at the possiblity that he used you, even to the point that it caused issues even this far out in your marriage.

 

This really frustrates me. Seriously. I am neither defending OM nor excusing myself.

 

Of course he used me! I also used him! Wtf! This not ABOUT him.

 

I'm not looking for a relationship with him. That ship has sailed. I doubt it would ever have worked, even if we'd both been single, but after what it did to me and H, it simply wouldn't be possible. Additionally, we would never be able to trust each other, and I think we'd have a heck of a time being accepted by practically anyone we know. So even if he was interested, I am not!

 

What has had me in circles has been exactly that question: Was every moment we had an illusion, a set-up? Did he intentionally seek me out and "prey" on me? This was a hard pill to swallow when H suggested it.

 

Ultimately, H has said that he thinks it was more of an opportunity thing. Thinking that everything going on was some malevolent scheme has made me feel a little crazy - it made my head spin because it conflicts with what my senses and actual experience told me.

 

So wanting to see OM was me wanting to figure out this cognitive dissonance. Wanting to know if this person I cared for was someone different altogether than who I thought he was. Wanting to know if my instincts, feelings and perceptions were so skewed that I couldn't tell someone "preying" on me vs. someone acting on very much the same motivations I was acting on.

 

I believe I have talked about all of this in my last thread.

 

To me, this IS off topic.

 

This thread is NOT about OM. This thread is about me and H.

Edited December 15, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[aliveagain]

This really frustrates me. Seriously. I am neither defending OM nor excusing myself.

 

Of course he used me! I also used him! Wtf! This not ABOUT him.

 

I'm not looking for a relationship with him. That ship has sailed. I doubt it would ever have worked, even if we'd both been single, but after what it did to me and H, it simply wouldn't be possible. Additionally, we would never be able to trust each other, and I think we'd have a heck of a time being accepted by practically anyone we know. So even if he was interested, I am not!

 

What has had me in circles has been exactly that question: Was every moment we had an illusion, a set-up? Did he intentionally seek me out and "prey" on me? This was a hard pill to swallow when H suggested it.

 

Ultimately, H has said that he thinks it was more of an opportunity thing. Thinking that everything going on was some malevolent scheme has made me feel a little crazy - it made my head spin because it conflicts with what my senses and actual experience told me.

 

So wanting to see OM was me wanting to figure out this cognitive dissonance. Wanting to know if this person I cared for was someone different altogether than who I thought he was. Wanting to know if my instincts, feelings and perceptions were so skewed that I couldn't tell someone "preying" on me vs. someone acting on very much the same motivations I was acting on.

 

I believe I have talked about all of this in my last thread.

 

To me, this IS off topic.

 

This thread is NOT about OM. This thread is about me and H.

 

Bingo, now how do you get this across to your husband, why should he trust you when your actions weren't matching the words coming out of your mouth? This thread is about you and your husband and about ether saving a marriage or finishing off what your affair started, it's complete annihilation. Are you choosing separation because it's an easier path than reconciliation or are you just done?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am not interested in being with him. I just wanted some answers. He also made it pretty clear that he was not interested in talking to me or having anything to do with me.

 

 

This act....this right here...should lay to rest...who was the one acting predatory like, seized opportunities....etc.

 

I understand that acknowledging ones own actions can be difficult...and it is much, much easier to want to point fingers and try to get "the other dude" to take ownership...in the end...it is a fools errand.

[Selfish]

Some people have really thick skulls CD. It is hard to have a discussion with people who only read what they want, ignore the evidence contrary to what the believe and zone in on every little thing that supports the beliefs they already have in place.

[compulsivedancer]

Are you choosing separation because it's an easier path than reconciliation or are you just done?

 

I'm just done.

 

We gave it two years. H has never fully committed back to the relationship, I've struggled the whole time with thoughts of OM and frustration with being in a life that wasn't really what I was looking for.

 

H needs to go out and prove himself to himself. I need to go out and figure out what I want out of life.

 

We gave it a pretty good shot. It wasn't getting better. Me contacting OM was the final straw, but it wasn't the thing that really killed it.

 

H kept talking about separation very wistfully. I was realizing in counseling how much of my life has been about supporting his life, careers and goals rather than my own. It was time.

[DKT3]

I'm just done.

 

We gave it two years. H has never fully committed back to the relationship, I've struggled the whole time with thoughts of OM and frustration with being in a life that wasn't really what I was looking for.

 

H needs to go out and prove himself to himself. I need to go out and figure out what I want out of life.

 

We gave it a pretty good shot. It wasn't getting better. Me contacting OM was the final straw, but it wasn't the thing that really killed it.

 

H kept talking about separation very wistfully. I was realizing in counseling how much of my life has been about supporting his life, careers and goals rather than my own. It was time.

 

Now this is an honest post.

 

CD you can only get through this being honest with yourself. Add in that you weren't commited to your marriage.

[Zenstudent]

Some people have really thick skulls CD. It is hard to have a discussion with people who only read what they want, ignore the evidence contrary to what the believe and zone in on every little thing that supports the beliefs they already have in place.

And some people don't have the capacity to see the damage they do, when they betray people close to them - both to the people they betray and to them selves. So I guess it works both ways.

[thummper]

Please, CD, don't get bitter. The people here, definitely ME included, only really want what's best for you. I've taken a shine to you almost like another daughter. I just want you to find happiness....CM, too! You're both good people, just not right for each other in the long run.

[NateGrey]

Interesting. katielee and I said exactly the same thing, that it doesn't matter one way or another what OM's motivations were because it doesn't let me off the hook.

 

You have also said things that contradict you feeling this way. Also, as someone else said..you definitely speak as if you feel you having been merely taken advantage of is a possibility.

 

I guess what I am saying is, you and Katie might of said the same thing in spirit, but with you it seemed like you made it clear there was potentially a "BUT" somewhere in there. For example, like.."This is my own fault and nothing lets me off the hook, BUT he did have privileged information about me".

[BlueIris]

I'm just done.

 

We gave it two years. H has never fully committed back to the relationship, I've struggled the whole time with thoughts of OM and frustration with being in a life that wasn't really what I was looking for.

 

H needs to go out and prove himself to himself. I need to go out and figure out what I want out of life.

 

We gave it a pretty good shot. It wasn't getting better. Me contacting OM was the final straw, but it wasn't the thing that really killed it.

 

H kept talking about separation very wistfully. I was realizing in counseling how much of my life has been about supporting his life, careers and goals rather than my own. It was time.

 

I completely understand this. It was the same reason I got divorced.

 

When you have an agreement about what you want and are going to do in your marriage, for and with each other, and then your partner changes his mind when the time comes for your priorities, it’s not salvageable.

 

My marriage went 10-11 years of my living up to my end before he changed his mind when it was time for him to accommodate my wishes and priorities. After the initial shock- which lasted about a year- plus the 2 years of marriage counseling (in retrospect, a waste of time, but it made me feel good that I’d tried), all in all it was 13 years married, 17 years together, a divorce, and I set out to reach my goals, without him. So, I really understand and empathize with you.

 

I agree with thummper too. You and your H are just not right for each other. I get why my H changed his mind, but in doing so, he’d decided he didn’t want the life we’d agreed to, and he didn’t want me because my goals and dreams were integral to who I was and had always been. Sure, people change their minds, but you have to recognize it if it happens and do what you have to do. Find your path and live it fully.

 

Good luck and I hope you make your dreams come true!

[NateGrey]

I hate to beat a potentially dead horse, but there is one detail I'm missing. I get that an issue here was children, or a lack of. I guess I am just trying to be clear, was there a clear cut agreement to have kids that the husband just went back on? It's hard to get a sense of if there was a promise of children or merely a promise to consider having children.

 

Might be a silly question, but since the marriage is not going to work have you ever thought of adoption? Or do you not want children unless you have a partner to help raise them?(which is perfectly fine).

[aliveagain]

I'm just done.

 

We gave it two years. H has never fully committed back to the relationship, I've struggled the whole time with thoughts of OM and frustration with being in a life that wasn't really what I was looking for.

 

H needs to go out and prove himself to himself. I need to go out and figure out what I want out of life.

 

We gave it a pretty good shot. It wasn't getting better. Me contacting OM was the final straw, but it wasn't the thing that really killed it.

 

H kept talking about separation very wistfully. I was realizing in counseling how much of my life has been about supporting his life, careers and goals rather than my own. It was time.

 

Girl, that is all that has to be said. Figuring out what you want out of life can take you the rest of your life. Never settle or compromise your integrity because in the end the only one you can ever really count on is you. Wishing you both nothing but happiness.

[compulsivedancer]

I hate to beat a potentially dead horse, but there is one detail I'm missing. I get that an issue here was children, or a lack of. I guess I am just trying to be clear, was there a clear cut agreement to have kids that the husband just went back on? It's hard to get a sense of if there was a promise of children or merely a promise to consider having children.

 

Might be a silly question, but since the marriage is not going to work have you ever thought of adoption? Or do you not want children unless you have a partner to help raise them?(which is perfectly fine).

 

We always said we were going to have kids before we were thirty. We wanted three, and we wanted to be young enough to enjoy them. I turned thirty this past summer, and H will be thirty very soon.

 

This year, H reluctantly agreed to start trying next fall, but his heart clearly just wasn't in it. He's also been asked to join a tour group, which would make it very challenging to have kids.

 

I don't want to force someone to have kids with me that doesn't want them. I don't want him to regret having kids, or feel like he missed out on his dreams. I want to be with someone who will be excited to have kids with me.

 

I don't really want a kid on my own. I want a family.

[irishguy]

I really dont know how this reconciliation went on so long , men dont get over this kind of betrayal . .I do hope you learned something from been on here and dont start up again with the om .I do think if he gives u the chance that you will start up with him again ,if it happens at least make sure ye both are single at the time .

[compulsivedancer]

I really dont know how this reconciliation went on so long , men dont get over this kind of betrayal . .I do hope you learned something from been on here and dont start up again with the om .I do think if he gives u the chance that you will start up with him again ,if it happens at least make sure ye both are single at the time .

 

I'm not interested in or in contact with the OM.

[Hope Shimmers]

I really dont know how this reconciliation went on so long , men dont get over this kind of betrayal

 

Neither do women. It's not a gender thing. It's a human being thing.

[Raven3321]

I'm not interested in or in contact with the OM.

 

Hi CD. When I read this, it really struck me for some reason. You were pining for this guy for over a year but now that you can at least pursue the option of the OM, you don't even remotely want to. Why?

 

 

This isn't some thinly veiled accusation either; I'm genuinely interested as to what broke that feverish desire for him. Is it because of his response when you showed up at his job? Or maybe, the whole thing has just left a bitter taste in your mouth. I've been reading your threads from the beginning and I don't recall you mentioning this change of heart but I think your insight would be very helpful to me and others.

[road]

Hi CD. When I read this, it really struck me for some reason. You were pining for this guy for over a year but now that you can at least pursue the option of the OM, you don't even remotely want to. Why?

 

 

This isn't some thinly veiled accusation either; I'm genuinely interested as to what broke that feverish desire for him. Is it because of his response when you showed up at his job? Or maybe, the whole thing has just left a bitter taste in your mouth. I've been reading your threads from the beginning and I don't recall you mentioning this change of heart but I think your insight would be very helpful to me and others.

 

 

 

CD only has a sweet tooth for forbidden fruit.

 

 

She has realized to the full extent the low life the OM is.

 

 

Divorce has finally made no longer able to avoid the consequences of her decisions.

[compulsivedancer]

Hi CD. When I read this, it really struck me for some reason. You were pining for this guy for over a year but now that you can at least pursue the option of the OM, you don't even remotely want to. Why?

 

 

This isn't some thinly veiled accusation either; I'm genuinely interested as to what broke that feverish desire for him. Is it because of his response when you showed up at his job? Or maybe, the whole thing has just left a bitter taste in your mouth. I've been reading your threads from the beginning and I don't recall you mentioning this change of heart but I think your insight would be very helpful to me and others.

 

I was not looking for a relationship with OM. I wanted to talk to him. Seeing him reminded me of the reality of who he was, rather than the fantasy. I was also able to discover that he was not wishing for or wanting me. It actually did help me with closure. OM is still with his longterm GF, as far as I know, so I would not go there anyhow, as long as they are together.

 

I never thought that OM and I would make a great couple, so I have never seriously considered trying to date him. Having feelings for someone and wanting to be with that person are not the same thing.

 

I would rather move on and find a healthier relationship to be part of, one without the baggage of an affair.

[compulsivedancer]

Divorce has finally made no longer able to avoid the consequences of her decisions.

 

Sadly, though I miss H, I am much happier living on my own.

[autumnnight]

CD only has a sweet tooth for forbidden fruit

 

I'm not surprised it was said, but this is a rotten thing to say, especially in the present tense.