Dumped and heartbroken

[leafsfan1967]

I was dating a girl for 3 months and things felt great. We have good chemistry, had deep conversations, shared similar values, had great sex. She was coming out of a serious long term relationship of about 4-5 years. Her ex, from what I understand, left her pretty unhappy in the relationship - he cheated on her, never really treated her well at all. Sounded like he was emotionally immature (i.e.: never really listened to her). Sounded like more of a stoic, emotionless kind of a guy who also had anger problems (from what she told me). We started dating and I found her very hot and cold - when she wanted to be interested and present, we had great chemistry. But a lot of the time she just mentally kind of checked out. I brought this up early on in the relationship and she said she was getting used to a different kind of a guy. I'm a nicer, more introspective, more perceptive, gentler kind of a guy. I'm not afraid to be aggressive/assertive where I need to be but generally that's my demeanour. I wasn't afraid to compliment her here and there (e.g.: you're beautiful, you're so fun, etc...). At first she cringed at my compliments, telling me she wasn't used to it and that her friends agreed that getting compliments was "weird". She said her ex boyfriend never used to compliment her or make her feel good.

 

As the relationship went on, she got more excited and happy around me. She wanted me to meet her family, she wanted me to travel with her family over the holidays, she talked of me moving in this summer, she said she was afraid I was going to leave her because I was "too perfect" (which I'm definitely not!). She was getting attached very strongly and things got intense. We spent 4 nights or so with each other each week. I went along with things because I was so excited to be around someone who was so interested in me.

 

My sense was as the relationship went on, she got less hot/cold and would tell me how happy she was more often. She would say things like "I think I like you more than you like me" and that kind of stuff.

 

When we were with her friends or out socializing, she tended to get more "cold" - almost as if she was embarrassed to be around me. And so the hot and cold behaviour would continue (which was in hindsight a red flag and I picked up on it along the way so I wasn't oblivious to it), although not as pronounced as early on. She would keep convincing me she was happy with me and just distant/cold sometimes because she was still adjusting to a new kind of a guy. Soon I would be hanging out with her family members and friends who told me they hadn't seen her so happy in a while and were looking forward to having me around for a while. Her parents and family hated this ex-boyfriend - they encouraged her to find a nice, genuine man who would treat her well. Which I guess she found in me. Her parents/family really liked me and perhaps therein lies part of the problem - maybe she doesn't want that kind of a guy at this point in her life but rather only her family does.

 

She called me last Monday to say she wanted to break up. Hearing her voice and the way she said to me... it sounded so cold-hearted. As if we had been going out a few weeks, not 3 months of the kind of intense relationship we had. She seemed so calm and easy and care-free about saying she wanted to breakup. And to not do it in person? That felt pretty cowardly to me - I treated her very well in so many respects. We even went on a 2-3 day trip together that I paid form. It was more than just paying for her though, I just generally was attentive to her and took good care of her.

 

The night before she was saying how she was happy being with me 95% of the time, but a part of her wasn't sure. She was crying, and also sharing her anxieties about other things in her life (family issues, career, etc...). I didn't panic or anything - I said at the 3 month mark maybe that's normal? After she called me, I messaged her to try get more of an explanation. Her reasoning seemed to be that she didn't think she felt as strongly as I did for her despite as recently as the day before leaving me saying she thought I was becoming her best friend and envisioned me being around a "long time". She said she felt like she had to be 100% sure about me and just didn't feel it. She had also told me she loved me two weeks prior to the breakup. Suffice to say, considering all the niceties I had heard up until that point, and convinced she really was happy with me but just adjusting to a new type of a person, I was completely shocked and devastated. Here was a girl I was pretty crazy for, who I thought was pretty crazy for me, leaving me totally out of the blue.

 

I had a bunch of clothes at her place which she swiftly returned. It was like a stake right through my heart. I've been in much longer relationships before (2.5 years and 1 year respectively) but nothing has quite hurt like this. There was so much potential, so much chemistry and I truly believed she felt as strongly about me as I did about her. And to just see someone pull a complete 180 is very hard to swallow.

 

I've gone no contact now for about a week - I really genuinely do want her back. A part of me thinks maybe I take what she says at face value and believe she never was that interested. Or maybe something else is going on - maybe I was a rebound, maybe she felt it was too intense, particularly with this looming family vacation. The point is I really really tried to take it slow - so much of the intensity was because of her doing and her encouraging. She wanted me to meet her family, not me; she wanted me to travel with her family, not me; she wanted me to move in in the summer if things were going well, not me; she wanted to travel together this summer, not me! I just agreed because I was excited and it felt right in the moment, but I never pushed anything on her. I cannot, for the life of me, understand what happened here. I've asked a lot of people and it confuses them too - they think she is just a confused girl. I am mature enough to handle someone not being that interested in me, I just don't understand why if she wasn't that interested, she would play along like she was for so long and I would genuinely believe it.

 

I really really do want her back. I felt like I had something really special with her, despite the relationship only being 3 months. And at this point it's so painful to see that she doesn't want it. I keep hoping my phone is going to buzz and it's going to be her, or I'm going to show up at my apartment one day and it will be her waiting and apologizing. But everybody around me says that's not going to happen. That I deserve someone who genuinely cares for me and appreciates me.

 

I should point out that she is 23 (I'm 26) - she is still very much in "party" mode from college and is a heavy drinker. I imagine she is going to just move on to someone cooler, slicker and not nearly as good to her. And there's nothing I can really do to change her perspective. She said when we first started dating she wanted to meet someone more mature, less of a partier - someone with his head on straight. And I think I do - I'm a professional with a good career and have a strong education. Her ex boyfriend wasn't doing much with his life in the way of his career or education. Not to say he is not as smart of accomplished than me or anything like that; just that she was looking for someone with more of an educational/professional pedigree and found me pretty quickly. They just broke up last May after 4-5 years together (on and off). Did she just find me to say to her parents "see I can find myself a nice guy!" - but really I want the bad boy.

 

I guess I'm just venting and asking for other people's opinions. I've read a ton on this site about getting dumped, no-contact, moving on, etc.. but somehow I find myself praying every night that she doesn't move on and meet someone new, that she has an epiphany and realizes the mistakes she made. It's so incredibly painful - I'm not really eating that well or in much of a working mood at work. I just keep thinking about all the ways I messed it up, despite objectively knowing I didn't really do anything to mess it up. It just feels that way I guess.

Edited December 9, 2014 by leafsfan1967

[johnson_j]

From the sounds of it, you were dating someone who had emotional damage and it's possible you were nothing but a rebound. I cringed when I read her friends said compliments are weird. To the right kind of girl, compliments are appreciated and respected, not weird.

 

 

For now you already know what you need to do - go NC full. Put yourself in a position where you can't be constantly reminded of her from physical things - delete her number from your phone and block it, so you won't feel tempted to see if she has texted you.

 

 

It's not easy - it is painful. But It will be worth it. I went down a similar road earlier this year - it was the worst couple months of my life. Looking back I can see where I should have been more strong with N/C. So don't make that mistake. One day she will realize what a gem she missed out on, and you'll be with a girl who will respect you for you.

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks Johnson. Ya the whole "compliments are weird thing" caught me off guard. So did the hot and coldness. I guess there was so much she was saying and doing that made me think she was feeling really strongly about me. It's so hard to one minute think someone is crazy about you, planning trips with you, wanting you to move in, etc... and then at the drop of a hat you're just punted out of their life. And now she clearly just wants to move on and date other people. To think I'm not good enough for her, or that she thinks there is someone out there who is better, when really we had something that was really good when she "wanted" it to be and wasn't spacing out/getting distant, is so hurtful. The thought of her dating other people and being physical with them, also really hurtful. It just really hurts. 3 months isn't that long, I get it, but given how intensely she was acting and the things she was saying/doing, it felt like I was going to be around a long time.

[johnson_j]

It is absolutely hurtful and makes zero sense the way she acted. But you just have to trust in your intuition - your prior judgment that things were a little off - that the red flags you saw were real.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with giving her a shot and losing, it's better than sitting on the sidelines wondering what would have happened if you had tried.

 

 

BUT NOW, you have to be a man. That means block her and walk away. Let her revel in her own pain and bad choices. You being around as a backup quarterback does neither of you good. And at this time, you worry about you. Who cares what she does or who she talks to. In time, you will understand that this is not a girl you want to be in a serious relationship with, that in time if she has any heart at all, she will understand what she lost while you have went on to greater heights with better more quality women.

 

 

(It's hard to see it now, but trust me, you will)

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks Johnson - I find your advice very helpful. I understand everything you're saying. A part of me definitely sees where you're coming from, and wanting to find someone who is more emotionally mature for a serious relationship. But most of me right now just wants her back and in my head she's on a pedestal - like I won't be able to find someone as beautiful or that I click with as much. I'm sure a lot of it is "you want what you can't have" kind of thinking, but I genuinely did really care about her and really enjoyed being with her. So I really yearn for that feeling. And I know she's making a mistake because I know she felt chemistry too and had strong feelings for me as well, at least from what she was saying and doing. I guess things changed rather quickly or she was really unsure all along, more than she let on, and she was just acting the whole time. I have a hard time believing that though - I genuinely did think she really liked me and saw a future with me. For me to let go of someone I saw such potential with who completely just pulled the rug out from under me and did a 180 turn, with no remorse or nothing, it is just so hard to fathom how I can move forward. I wonder if her friends had an impact on her decision sometimes - I met some of them, and always felt like some liked me and some didn't. Her friends were all very close with her ex-boyfriend (in a good way I think) and so I wonder if there was more pressure on me to fit in right away and be everybody's best friend like he was.

 

So hard to make sense of all this - just left feeling completely heartbroken and devastated she wants to throw away what we had.

Edited December 9, 2014 by leafsfan1967

[leafsfan1967]

When we were drinking with her friends, she could be most hot and cold. I tend to get very sensitive/emotional when I drink, and she would often pull away or become distant (so that's not a good mix!). I never really said anything offensive or anything - just typical someone being a bit goofy/off when they drink. And we talked about it the next day each time and agreed going forward just not to drink that much. I don't imagine this factored into her decision, but maybe it did. I apologized for embarrassing her in any way, but also didn't like how cold and distant she got when we were drinking with her friends - treated me like I wasn't cool enough or suave enough. When really I was just trying to be funny and nice and getting to know all these people I had never really met.

 

I also deal with depression (have for many years) but I was generally really upbeat and positive around her. It used to be more major, but now is really minor. I see a psychiatrist once a week still and am on anti-depressants, but is very manageable (at least has been the past 2-3 years). She knew about that and when she found out was very supportive and said I don't have to hide anything, and that people in her life deal with way bigger problems. I don't ever think that factored into her decision, but sometimes she was concerned about me being on medication and would say, without really thinking through what she was saying, that I should try "wean" off the meds. As if she knew how to deal with what I've been going through for so many years.

 

Anyways, there are all the facts. Sorry for unloading sooo much information but I would love to get objective feedback.

Edited December 9, 2014 by leafsfan1967

[johnson_j]

It would never work, and will never work as long as you have her on a pedestal. Strong relationships are built on mutual trust and respect, not asymmetric lust. You know that.

 

 

Let met tell you this - my last ex, within the span of a week we were intimate and then I ran into her at the mall and she was a total stranger. Didn't even act like a friend, more like a work buddy saying "Hi". Talk about being thrown for a loop, but you know with the passage of time it's all so clear that it was never going to work, and last I heard she is wallowing in sorrow and I'm out with a great girl who is better in every way that matters. So that's where you need to be, just accept that it was doomed, block her, and move forward and be a MAN.

[leafsfan1967]

Still doing NC. Now 10 days since she dumped me. I'm better able to function at work now but still really hurting and really missing her. Despite everything everyone says I still deep down really want her back and just keep reliving all our moments together to see what I could have done differently. Does this get better over time? I'm still completely distraught.

[Elle1975]

Sure it does get better. The small things that you brushed off were red flags, only it's hard to see them as such when we're neck deep in.

 

Rebound, another guy, who knows? NC is your best bet.

[loversquarrel]

Sounds like you were a rebound. The hot and cold you describe is present in people who are not ready to move on. The first red flag you should have paid attention to was when she brought up her ex to you and started to draw comparisons. This is a big one. The negative spin she presented to you regarding her ex were most likely qualifying statements made to make her feel better. She was with this guy for five years, so the three months with you is rather insignificant to her.

 

Look on the bright side - she knew early on that you weren't it for her, so your time wasn't wasted. Move on and try not to grow so attached next time. Learn from this and understand that a good adult relationship takes time to develop, a lot longer than three months. You are still getting to know someone in three months time.

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks loversquarrel. Possible she just needs time/space away from this all and may realize in time she did have strong feelings for me and wants to be with me? Everything people tell me is to just move on, and I am starting to understand that's what I need to do and likely she isn't going to come to this realization. I just hang on to hope because of how interested she did seem (especially towards the end right before she abruptly just left) and how strongly she did say she felt about me multiple occasions throughout the time we were together.

[Jord11]

Leafs fan in Philly? awesome man Go leafs, I'm in the same situation everything was fine till one day she told me she was confused and that was that, nothing we can do but walk away and she will realize what she had and lost I'm still confused how they can do that to us, it's so frustrating

[Jord11]

Leafs fan in Philly? awesome man Go leafs, I'm in the same situation everything was fine till one day she told me she was confused and that was that, nothing we can do but walk away and she will realize what she had and lost I'm still confused how they can do that to us, it's so frustrating

 

When the balance is off and when I knew she wasn't giving 100% in it it's time to walk away

[leafsfan1967]

Listen I appreciate everything everybody has said, and am trying so hard to find it in me to move on. But it is just so difficult for me right now. I got so attached to this girl (and it didn't help how attached she was getting and all of the things she was saying about being happy with me and seeing me as a long term companion) and cannot get her out of my mind, and cannot stop thinking about the day (if ever) she reaches out to try reconcile. I understand things don't list promising and I have to move on, but is there anything at all I can do to try get her back? It's just unbearable to move on right now and just forget about her and find someone new. It pains me like you can't imagine to think she is probably dating others, thinking I'm not "cool" enough or suave enough for her or whatever - that I didn't make the "cut". That she would throw away something that was pretty good between us and just give up. That I may have only been a rebound to her (she was very emotionally unavailable, prevented me from really getting closer to her by just being hold and cold). I was hoping and thought there was so much more, and to feel like I was strung along for the whole time and to be dumped like a hot potato so quickly and cleanly without much explanation, is just eating me up inside.

 

I am really, really having a very hard time with all this. Have been no contact now for nearly 3 weeks. Haven't heard a peep from her.

[Nolan 93]

Listen I appreciate everything everybody has said, and am trying so hard to find it in me to move on. But it is just so difficult for me right now. I got so attached to this girl (and it didn't help how attached she was getting and all of the things she was saying about being happy with me and seeing me as a long term companion) and cannot get her out of my mind, and cannot stop thinking about the day (if ever) she reaches out to try reconcile. I understand things don't list promising and I have to move on, but is there anything at all I can do to try get her back? It's just unbearable to move on right now and just forget about her and find someone new. It pains me like you can't imagine to think she is probably dating others, thinking I'm not "cool" enough or suave enough for her or whatever - that I didn't make the "cut". That she would throw away something that was pretty good between us and just give up. That I may have only been a rebound to her (she was very emotionally unavailable, prevented me from really getting closer to her by just being hold and cold). I was hoping and thought there was so much more, and to feel like I was strung along for the whole time and to be dumped like a hot potato so quickly and cleanly without much explanation, is just eating me up inside.

 

I am really, really having a very hard time with all this. Have been no contact now for nearly 3 weeks. Haven't heard a peep from her.

 

Hey I am in the same boat my friend, except my scenario was 11 months dating, she was with her ex for about 10 months. Its hard...very F***ing hard, to get over it man. I was thrown away after everything I've done for her, don't get me wrong I still love my ex with my whole heart. But we have to move on and let time do its job. She left for her ex just like mine did, will they be happy idk, will they f**k up again idk. But honestly hopefully they both realize who they lost, and we can only know when time takes its course. Yours may be harder than mine due to them dating for 4-5 years, and I'm not going to lie to you, but you look like a rebound. There was no time for her to forget her ex man, I should have gave her time but, she seemed ready for a relationship and I even said we can date when your ready. I hate when anyone takes advantage of innocent people like that, it hurts everyone, the dumpee and the dumper. But If there was a way to get our ex's back like that I would write a check and pay that person lol, because honestly my ex was my first love and I will always love her, and I only want her, but I know the chances are very slim on that . Hang in there bro Im going through the same stuff, and I feel and share your pain 100%. Good Luck bro

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks Nolan. I feel for you man - I've been in longer relationships before, but this was one is stinging more than anything for some reason. Combine the fact that I really really liked this girl, with her showing so many positive signs that she was so happy with me and wanted to be with me, to the end result of feeling like I was just a rebound and that she probably still had strong feelings for her ex she didn't deal with and now there is very little chance of her ever coming back... it just hurts like hell and nothing seems to take my mind off it. If it was her just wanting space/time to figure things out, maybe I would be better, but just the way she cut me off so cleanly from her life days after saying she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me, I just feel so used/deceived. Can't understand why someone would do that.

[Nolan 93]

Because honestly she seemed like she was in the honeymoon phase, me and my ex would always talk about kids, marriage, cars we would drive when we had kids, houses, apartments all that fun planning you know. It was fun and the love was real, but boom one day that's not the same mindset. It happens the ex tries and comes back and they fall for it all the time. My ex knows she's giving up a guy who is the best bf she has ever had a relationship with just to try with her first love again. It hurts man to see her do this even right before xmas. But nothing we can do man, I think about her everyday while I'm away at work but it's painful, but I've been losing weight and trying to accomplish my goal of weighing 180 with 14% body fat around there. Trust me give me time I will get there, and when I do I will go say hi to her at work just to make her mind start thinking. In the end its her loss, and just have to focus on you my friend. But don't get into another relatinship til you are over her, I'm not dating seriously for awhile, don't want to lead another girl on ha

[leafsfan1967]

It's been almost 6 weeks now and haven't heard a peep from her. I am getting stronger every day but still feel this yearning to talk to her about some how salvaging what we had because there was a lot of good in what we had. Everybody I talk to says she's got too many issues and there were some bad red flags, but I can't help but think if she matured and grew a bit, things between us could be so good. The trouble is right now, I don't know if she's sitting at home thinking about me and regretting the decision, or if she's on to dating a bunch of new guys and I'm now a distant memory. So I try to not hold on to hope, but I felt like instead of reaching out to her, I would reach out to you guys. Despite all of the issues there were, being with her felt so right and I know she felt it too. It's very hard to relinquish control in this situation because I feel like no matter how hard I want her and work for her, there's simply nothing I can do.

[Nolan 93]

Exactly there is nothing we can do, but you know what its only been a month and it's gettin easier. I miss her yes but it's getting to the point where I'm coming indifferent. I wrote her a letter and sent it by email, and it was for me. But you know what, she replied back with a long letter as well, and I was glad she wrote back, but I wasn't wanting her to write back.

 

So at least I left things on good terms and it's so sad cause she knows I mean it she knows that I was the one that got away. You know what who knows maybe in time we will find our way back. But I'm not hoping on it and just have to live life lol.

[umirano]

IThe trouble is right now, I don't know if she's sitting at home thinking about me and regretting the decision, or if she's on to dating a bunch of new guys and I'm now a distant memory.

Either way, it doesn't matter. It's not your trouble, it's hers. She acted off and your gut told you. Also, believe her if she says she doesn't want to be with you. You cant inject feelings for you into her, regardless what your hormone system is telling you.

 

 

So I try to not hold on to hope, but I felt like instead of reaching out to her, I would reach out to you guys.

Good call! Stay strong. I'm four weeks NC myself...

 

no matter how hard I want her and work for her, there's simply nothing I can do.

That's exactly what it is.

[leafsfan1967]

So I found out through one of my friends that she did indeed return to her ex boyfriend. I was actually starting to feel better about myself and move forward with my life, but this news really really hurts. I guess it just confirms that I was probably a rebound and nothing more, and can't help but feel really hurt because I really went all-in with her emotionally during the relationship and ended up being deceived/got burned.

 

In hindsight I should have definitely avoided this situation all together knowing she was fresh out of a long-term relationship but she played me pretty good when I tried to talk about whether she was still pining for this guy (e.g.: she would say "don't worry I'm totally over him" or "I'd never go back to him").

 

I understand I have to move on and move forward, but it is just a lot of pain to deal with right now. I know it was only 3 months but it was very intense, and in my previous relationship (about 1 year in length, ended July 2014) I was also dumped, so this is making things even worse. I would appreciate anything anybody could offer to me to try get through this pain I'm feeling right now. It feels like ****.

[bigtrouble]

Listen I appreciate everything everybody has said, and am trying so hard to find it in me to move on. But it is just so difficult for me right now. I got so attached to this girl (and it didn't help how attached she was getting and all of the things she was saying about being happy with me and seeing me as a long term companion) and cannot get her out of my mind, and cannot stop thinking about the day (if ever) she reaches out to try reconcile. I understand things don't list promising and I have to move on, but is there anything at all I can do to try get her back? It's just unbearable to move on right now and just forget about her and find someone new. It pains me like you can't imagine to think she is probably dating others, thinking I'm not "cool" enough or suave enough for her or whatever - that I didn't make the "cut". That she would throw away something that was pretty good between us and just give up. That I may have only been a rebound to her (she was very emotionally unavailable, prevented me from really getting closer to her by just being hold and cold). I was hoping and thought there was so much more, and to feel like I was strung along for the whole time and to be dumped like a hot potato so quickly and cleanly without much explanation, is just eating me up inside.

 

I am really, really having a very hard time with all this. Have been no contact now for nearly 3 weeks. Haven't heard a peep from her.

 

Its not you its her, so stop short selling yourself, you gave it all, just go NC and heal.

 

One thing you should understand if they come from another relationship and have some unresolved issues, they go in the second relationship and they are just so perfect, so compatible, because they give it all trying to make it work where the last relationship failed. But they are also unsure of themselves, She did like you in her own way, but she just was not ready emotionally.

 

If you truly love her, give her space, to cope with things and find herself once more.

 

3weeks NC is tough, hang in there.

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks big trouble. Any thoughts on my updated situation? Now 6 weeks NC and breakup and just found she went back to her ex. Haven't heard a word from her in the 6 weeks

[bigtrouble]

So I found out through one of my friends that she did indeed return to her ex boyfriend. I was actually starting to feel better about myself and move forward with my life, but this news really really hurts. I guess it just confirms that I was probably a rebound and nothing more, and can't help but feel really hurt because I really went all-in with her emotionally during the relationship and ended up being deceived/got burned.

 

In hindsight I should have definitely avoided this situation all together knowing she was fresh out of a long-term relationship but she played me pretty good when I tried to talk about whether she was still pining for this guy (e.g.: she would say "don't worry I'm totally over him" or "I'd never go back to him").

 

I understand I have to move on and move forward, but it is just a lot of pain to deal with right now. I know it was only 3 months but it was very intense, and in my previous relationship (about 1 year in length, ended July 2014) I was also dumped, so this is making things even worse. I would appreciate anything anybody could offer to me to try get through this pain I'm feeling right now. It feels like ****.

 

Don't feel bad, she liked you in her own way, she never tried to deceive you, its her, she believed it was real and you saw it and you were taken in. She wanted it to work, but deep down inside something was just missing, My guess is she is not emotionally checked out on her ex, so she came back.

 

I know it feels awful, you felt used but she also deserves her happiness and so do you. Thing is when we meet a girl so fantastic, so hot, so awsome, we get carried away.

 

You will meet more along the way, important thing is you learn from this experience and come out a better person. Just stick to NC and heal, don't think much of it. You are on your way to recovery.

Edited January 17, 2015 by bigtrouble

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks big trouble - appreciate it. I just felt like if there was ever any hope at all of her coming back, she would have to get over her ex fully first. And this clearly is not going to help her get over him! Everyone says the same thing and has said the same thing for almost 2 months now - I just have to move on and accept it. And while I fully agree with it, I can't help but feel like **** for getting invested emotionally in something where I wasn't getting much in return no matter how hard I tried. And in hindsight I never should have even committed to this girl given how soon she was out of her relationship and how clearly not over him she was even though she said she was.