Did your spouse marry you because you are safe?

[violet1]

Hello all,

 

 

I watched the new episode of the tv show, The Affair last night. There was a scene that really got me thinking. The WH and BW were in a marriage counseling session. The BW mentioned that she could have married any man she wanted, but chose him because he was safe. She said that he adored her, knew he would be a good father, never cheat, etc. She also stated that they would never be rich, but grow old and have a good life together and that people would look at her marriage and see that she made a good choice.

 

 

This scene really touched me because my BH said very similar things to me after D Day. A little background info for better understanding: My H had the perfect childhood. A middle class two parent home with lots of love. Somehow, when he hit his teen years he got very heavy into drugs and sex. He dated a lot of women who were also heavy into drugs. Me: I had a very abusive childhood with a mentally ill mother. I experienced every type of abuse. My mother moved from man to man and state to state until she was killed when I was 13. My sibling and I were then shipped off to our maternal grandparents home in a very small, religious town where I struggled to feel any type of normalcy.

 

 

Fast forward to age 21, I met my husband and I fell head over heels for him. We were such opposites, but I felt like we just got each other. As time passed, I realized we were very different, but I still thought we were good together. I helped him kick an awful drug addiction which was something I had never dealt with before. I felt like all of these horrible things we went through at such a young age brought us closer together.

 

 

Finally at age 25, my husband proposed to me. Both of our families hated the idea. His family thought I was a broken mess and my family thought he was a loser. When we got married I had such high expectations and I thought we were going to prove everyone wrong.

 

 

Looking back I realize now that my H married me because I was "safe". He knew I would always be there and keep him out of trouble. I married him because I wanted to be his savior. I thought I could change him. Don't get me wrong, we were madly in love and wanted to get married. However, I feel like some of the reasons we married set us up to have a hard marriage. We both had unrealistic expectations.

 

 

Now, my H realizes that I'm not the perfect wife that can do no wrong. I realize that I can't change him into something he doesn't want to be. We are learning how to accept each other and change together instead of changing individually.

 

 

I'm sorry this post is so long and hopefully it makes sense. I'm wondering if others who have faced infidelity got married because they felt their spouse was "safe"? How have things changed for you since D Day? I'm also curious to other's perspective on this matter as well.

[RightThere]

However, I feel like some of the reasons we married set us up to have a hard marriage. We both had unrealistic expectations.

 

To recognize that is actually a huge step in the right direction.

 

Both my WW and I had expectations going into our marriage that realized as they were not being met, crippled our marriage and was one of the reasons she had her affairs. However she married me because she thought I was "safe" but still managed to step out on me.

 

Once you let go of your "expectations" and start focusing on what is really in front of you, will let you move forward. Regardless if that means accepting your spouse for who they are, or realizing you won't settle for this person and decide to move on, letting go of those "expectations" will open your eyes to what you have and what you want.

[violet1]

To recognize that is actually a huge step in the right direction.

 

Both my WW and I had expectations going into our marriage that realized as they were not being met, crippled our marriage and was one of the reasons she had her affairs. However she married me because she thought I was "safe" but still managed to step out on me.

 

Once you let go of your "expectations" and start focusing on what is really in front of you, will let you move forward. Regardless if that means accepting your spouse for who they are, or realizing you won't settle for this person and decide to move on, letting go of those "expectations" will open your eyes to what you have and what you want.

Thank you and I completely agree with you. Letting go of expectations has been very difficult for me. I still struggle with it on a daily basis. I had such a horrible past that I had no control of. I wanted to have complete control of my future. When things didn't turn out the way I had planned, I became very resentful towards my H and M. I'm really trying to make improvements though.

[Realist3]

I have never watched that show, but just what is on youtube creeps me out.

[violet1]

I have never watched that show, but just what is on youtube creeps me out.

I've never looked it up on YouTube. I'm a fan of The Masters of Sex series and there was a commercial for The Affair. I was curious and started watching it. You would probably like it if actually watched it. What I like is that each episode has two parts. One part is the WH's side of the story and the other part is the MOW's side of the story. Bad thing is it makes me trigger sometimes.

 

 

This thread isn't really about the show though. One of the scenes made me think about similar things in my own marriage.

Edited December 9, 2014 by violet1

[Red123]

I agree that removing the expectations of a perfect spouse is good and healing. My H was someone I thought was pretty safe in a lot of ways but emotionally he has always been pretty closed which has always bothered me. Since Dday he has changed so much and is so open now. It's so much better, too bad this is how we got there. However, he would have never pegged me as safe as I am for him. I was a wild girl when we met, at 18, still can be if given the opportunity but I'm faithful to him. I too find myself watching that show, I have triggered a couple of times too, but it pulls me in. My H told me we should avoid it but I have still watched, I am way too curious about the ending to stop now.

[dichotomy]

Your post hit a nerve. Could have written parts.

 

Yes - she married me because I was the safe secure good solid strong man. She was right (mostly). I married her, or rather allowed myself to love and trust, once I figured she was safe to love and marry. That's a good reason for me wanting to marry her as my first wife cheated on me. I was wrong, she lied and hid who she was, because I was the safe good man who would have never dated her if she came clean.

 

Now since the marriage we have both changed a fair amount. Its been a long while since dDay. Lets say she has come up on her "safe" level but I have gone down . We have met around the middle of safe.

Edited December 9, 2014 by dichotomy

[jackslife]

But isn't this (like a lot of therapy, counselling, psychiatry etc.), ultimately stating the bleedin' obvious?

 

If you are going to marry someone for life and have children with them, then sensibly you will choose someone with whom it is safe to do so. The crazy girlfriend who gives you BJ's on the motorway and the beardy biker who upset your dad were great for the sex and the fun, but were never marriage material.

 

Of course your partners married you because you were safe, they wanted stability for the rest of their lives.

Edited December 9, 2014 by jackslife

[jnel921]

I beleive we all marry people who we beleive we would be safe with. I don't think any BS goes into a M feeling that the person who just committed their life and love would betray and hurt them in such a way.

 

I beleive the WS knows in advance they could not fully commit, but still marry and move forward because selfishness is just a deep rooted issue. I beleive they marry more out of convenience.

 

In the case of the show...the WS is married a woman whose family is wealthy and who pay for their kids private educations. How nice for him that he was even able to spend a summer in the hamptons in his inlaw's mansion which gave him the opportunity to chase strange tail. That is convenience and selfishness!

[EverySunset]

We were both going through a rough patch when we met actually. I didn't even much consider him a candidate but he pursued me relentlessly and somewhere along the line we became committed.

 

When he eventually strayed (a lot) he gave plenty of reasons why although I'm not sure it was anything more than just a sense of entitlement and trying to convince himself that he was, in fact, mysterious and a catch. Not predictable and safe. He was sick of people telling him what a lucky guy he was (backwards right?) and wanted to prove I was the lucky girl for landing him.

 

I tried to R somewhat until I learned a lot more of the truth. Ironically I was the predictable and safe one and I'm in no rush to change that. He seemed to want more than that though, so he is quite welcome to go find it. Somewhere else.

[DKT3]

Its funny because had you known us before we got married you would assume that I married her because she was safe, while she took a huge risk with me. Everyone told her I was a "BAD BOY" and a manwhore she would be in the words of our daughter, cray-cray to marry me.

 

Like many marriages we had mismatched expectations that weren't fully explored before hand. I saw her as perfect and held her to such high standards that I would only be disappointed, unfairly I might add.

 

Me on the other hand, totally selfish focused entirely on my goals and did what I felt I needed to do for me no matter how it affected her or what she had to do to adjust to them.

 

I had visions of her being the perfect stay at home mom and wife, like both our mothers were. She had different plans. She had visions of me being an equal partner in terms of taking care of the children and home, unlike both our fathers. She had an affair, I threw money and things at our problems but never invested my time.

 

I'm getting off track, anwser is yes I married her in part because she was safe, in part because it was the next step. She married me because she was madly in love even with all the risks. I was far from a safe option.

[autumnnight]

Yes he did and I think I sort of even knew. One of the reasons we aren't married anymore.

[violet1]

But isn't this (like a lot of therapy, counselling, psychiatry etc.), ultimately stating the bleedin' obvious?

 

If you are going to marry someone for life and have children with them, then sensibly you will choose someone with whom it is safe to do so. The crazy girlfriend who gives you BJ's on the motorway and the beardy biker who upset your dad were great for the sex and the fun, but were never marriage material.

 

Of course your partners married you because you were safe, they wanted stability for the rest of their lives.

That's not necessarily true though Jack. My H was not a "safe" option for me. When we met at ages 21 and 23 he was already divorced with a very young daughter. He cheated on me within the first two years of our relationship when we were living together. I forgave him and I married him because I was madly in love with him.

 

 

I thought that all our plans and dreams soul magically happen because all you need is love right? I was ridiculously naive and had unrealistic expectations of marriage. Years down the road I became extremely resentful, my H was unemployed off and on for 3 years. At that point nothing he did was enough and I stopped caring. When you stop caring that's when your life falls apart. He's never cheated since we were married and now I have. Our roles reversed. I'm no longer the "safe" option and he is. He and I both have taken huge risks for each other.

 

 

Jack, here's my question for you? If I'm correct, your wife doesn't know about your affair? Do you think if the truth came out, you would still be considered her safe option?

[xxoo]

But isn't this (like a lot of therapy, counselling, psychiatry etc.), ultimately stating the bleedin' obvious?

 

If you are going to marry someone for life and have children with them, then sensibly you will choose someone with whom it is safe to do so. The crazy girlfriend who gives you BJ's on the motorway and the beardy biker who upset your dad were great for the sex and the fun, but were never marriage material.

 

Of course your partners married you because you were safe, they wanted stability for the rest of their lives.

 

This sort of sounds like the madonna/whore complex.

[violet1]

This sort of sounds like the madonna/whore complex.

I was thinking the same thing. Isn't the reason most men cheat is because the wife isn't interested in sex, blow jobs, or being more sexually open?

[jackslife]

Jack, here's my question for you? If I'm correct, your wife doesn't know about your affair? Do you think if the truth came out, you would still be considered her safe option?

 

No. Affairs change everything. And once you have admitted to or discovered in an affair you are clearly not the safe option. However, I imagine (hope?) that when most people marry they don't think that they either will have an affair or that their spouse will.

 

But we choose and marry the person we do based on them as they are then. We have no way of knowing how the marriage or the other person will be in 20 - 30 years time.

 

We weigh the pro's and con's of that person and take the leap of faith, obviously hoping that the safer bet is, well, the safer bet.

[violet1]

No. Affairs change everything. And once you have admitted to or discovered in an affair you are clearly not the safe option. However, I imagine (hope?) that when most people marry they don't think that they either will have an affair or that their spouse will.

 

But we choose and marry the person we do based on them as they are then. We have no way of knowing how the marriage or the other person will be in 20 - 30 years time.

 

We weigh the pro's and con's of that person and take the leap of faith, obviously hoping that the safer bet is, well, the safer bet.

Thank you for your response. Honestly, when I got married I didn't even think about my H cheating or being safe. Those were not things I thought about. I was so naive. My H was my first serious bf. I had no fricking clue. I thought as long as we loved each other we would always be fine. I'm realizing now that love is just not enough. Our reconciliation is doing well, but sometimes I do wonder if it had been better if we had split.

[toolforgrowth]

I completely believe that my xWW married me because I was safe. Nice, hard working, good to her daughter, stable, etc. But I don't think she was ever really "into" me. I believe she married me out of convenience. I always used to tell her that I felt that the only reason she was with me was because of the security I provided her, and that she never truly acted like she loved me. I felt used and neglected for a very long time. It went in one ear and out the other. And in the end, I was proven right.

 

That's what made divorce so easy for me.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I'm know the fact that I was safe was partially what made me husband think I was wife material. I was a "nice" girl, well educated, from a good family.

 

OTOH, there was nothing safe about my H from the outset. He came from a dysfunctional family, had the childhood from hell, and was a womanizer. I figured I could save him with love and stability - boy did I have my work cut out for me! He had serious commitment/attachment issues and a hard shell. But I was sure that underneath it all was a man who, if anything, loved too hard and would be a hell of a husband and father if only I could break through all his protective walls.

 

The funny thing is, he says I did save him. It didn't come easy though. After D-day I set him free to go be the person he really was instead of the person I wanted him to be. He refused to go and insisted that the person he wanted to be - and spend the rest of his life becoming - was this idealized version that I'd envisioned. I hardly expected him to change, but he did. Marriage counselling, individual counselling, presenting me with clean STD tests, finally taking his career seriously...he did it all, among of a ton of other changes it would take me forever to list. He is extremely loyal to and protective of me, and now his unborn child as well.

 

I feel like we're much more balanced in terms of "safeness" now. He's grown leaps and bounds, and I've shown him that I'm no shrinking violet.

 

It wasn't always an easy journey, but I'm glad we've arrived here.

[badkarma2013]

I was thinking the same thing. Isn't the reason most men cheat is because the wife isn't interested in sex, blow jobs, or being more sexually open?

 

I agree...but one must also look at the flip side...A vast majority of WWs (including my EX) ...will do sex acts with the OM ..that she would NEVER DO WITH HER HUSBAND.....EVER

 

Most DO NOT want a Divorce...but will lose their freaking minds with the OM sexually!

[badkarma2013]

No. Affairs change everything. And once you have admitted to or discovered in an affair you are clearly not the safe option. However, I imagine (hope?) that when most people marry they don't think that they either will have an affair or that their spouse will.

 

But we choose and marry the person we do based on them as they are then. We have no way of knowing how the marriage or the other person will be in 20 - 30 years time.

 

We weigh the pro's and con's of that person and take the leap of faith, obviously hoping that the safer bet is, well, the safer bet.

 

*******************************************************************

Only speaking as a BH...I truly believe alot of us here put our WWs on a pedastal ...and had the HORRIBLE misconception that "Your wife would do those things or have a A...BUT MINE NEVER WOULD DO THAT TO ME...How foolish!