1980alence Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Hi, I'm dating again after a LTR where we knew from our match profiles before we ever talked that we didn't want kids. I'm dating girls I'm meeting socially this time around, and wondering how soon I should let on that I don't want kids. Sometimes women will randomly mention wanting a family, but if they don't, what should I do? I really don't want to waste anyone's time if they know they want kids for sure, but I don't want to put off a prospective partner who also doesn't want kids by discussing anything heavy too soon... Thanks! PS - Second date tonight! Wish me luck
Dork Vader Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 This really depends on hiw the dating is going. If the dating is going well and you're getting enotionally invested in them, then it needs to be brought up. You need to do it in a casual way. It needs to be done at the point in which you both can still walk away with out regret/hurt. 2
StalwartMind Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 It should be entirely possible to find a sensible way to discuss children without it feels like heavy content. "So what do you think of children?" You will likely get a pretty honest answer and the conversation can be led to where it needs to go by additional questions if required. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I think the sooner the better (within a few dates), because as a woman who eventually but definitely wants kids, I wouldn't want to waste any time on dates with someone I knew it could go nowhere with. I don't think there are many women out there who would be put off by the 'intensity' of such a discussion when they also don't want kids, likely they'd be relieved to have met someone who shares similar feelings about having children. Something as simple as a date conversation about where you see yourself in five or ten years time would be perfect. Likely you could drop in the things you want for yourself in the near and distant future and casually drop in 'that's one of the reasons I don't see myself ever having children to be honest, I am so into where my career is going' or whatever. Just drop it in that you don't want them, and if she doesn't volunteer her own thoughts on children you can always ask. I would say leave it at giving your opinion of kids but there are many women out there who presume you'll change your mind so probably best to actually elicit that info from her so you can walk away if you know she wants them. 2
venusishername Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Hi, I'm dating again after a LTR where we knew from our match profiles before we ever talked that we didn't want kids. I'm dating girls I'm meeting socially this time around, and wondering how soon I should let on that I don't want kids. Sometimes women will randomly mention wanting a family, but if they don't, what should I do? I really don't want to waste anyone's time if they know they want kids for sure, but I don't want to put off a prospective partner who also doesn't want kids by discussing anything heavy too soon... Thanks! PS - Second date tonight! Wish me luck I think it's best to bring up within a couple of dates with someone you really click with. If I was feeling it with a guy, I'd want to know as soon as possible how he feels about marriage and children, because I want those things. We're in our thirties and less and less time to waste, so just go for it! How about broaching the subject by saying: "How do you feel about kids?" or "Do you want kids?" The guy I've been seeing over the past month asked me that on our third or fourth date. I wasn't put off by it at all. He just came right out and asked me, "Do you want kids?" I told him, and vice versa. Done! Then you know if you're on the same page and can proceed accordingly 1
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I'd try to make sure it comes up by Date #3 or #4 if you can imagine things heading in a serious direction. Agree it's a tough subject to broach, but there doesn't have to be a whole big soul-searching conversation about it. I remember once with a guy the topic came up naturally when he was showing me pictures of his nieces. He slipped in something like: "I love being an uncle, but I can't imagine having kids myself." Being undecided myself, I said something like "Yeah I hear you, I'm still a little torn on the issue." But we didn't get all into it. I had one long relationship (two+ years) where we never discussed the topic AT ALL, which now seems so foolish. But I've even seen that happen with couples who enter marriage without clarifying their viewpoints on the issue. Recipe for disaster. 1
Author 1980alence Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 ...I would say leave it at giving your opinion of kids but there are many women out there who presume you'll change your mind so probably best to actually elicit that info from her so you can walk away if you know she wants them. This is a fantastic point. People do sort of assume that guys will 'grow out of it' eventually. True, I might change my mind - but it's unlikely enough that I don't want to risk burdening anyone (or having to choose between ending an otherwise good relationship or having kids that I don't want and will potentially resent). Thanks for the replies!
venusishername Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I think as a man who doesn't want kids, (as it seems rare from what I've experienced in my life), you must be straightforward as soon as possible. I think I can speak for most women that we'd want to know if a man DIDN'T want kids from the get go.
Eighty_nine Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I think as a man who doesn't want kids, (as it seems rare from what I've experienced in my life), you must be straightforward as soon as possible. I think I can speak for most women that we'd want to know if a man DIDN'T want kids from the get go. Yes, I would want to know. I'm 75% sure I want a child, maybe two, but despite some of my own doubt about kids I could not date someone who knew for sure they didn't want any.
BC1980 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Probably early on, and you can do it in a way that isn't too heavy. Just casual. Not wanting kids is a deal breaker for some people, so it's best to know soon. 1
Author 1980alence Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the additional replies. I have to say that my priority is really going to be avoiding putting off the women who I might continue to date rather than being as kind as possible to those who I won't (so if you say "I want kids so I'd want to know right away" that doesn't really help me per se). It sounds like the second or third date - or as it comes naturally - would be the best approach to keeping it cool and low-key so I avoid wasting my time and avoid getting too attached (and boy, can I get attached...) if it's not going to work. *and no well wishes for tonight? No love for the non-breeders around here... j/k all of your generous advice is love in my book! Edited December 8, 2014 by 1980alence
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