Out romance?

[dalbozz]

I really hope this is in the right place for this post. For a while now my wife of eight years has been chatting with a man online that she assures me is "Just a friend". This has been going on for seven months or so. I got scared,cowardly,paranoid... Call it what you will but at one point I snooped her computer (Yes I know, total trust break) and looked at her emails. Light flirting, he would send her pictures (which I asked him personally to stop and he did) and so forth.

 

Things cooled down but I, on a whim, snooped again just recently(Yes I know. rail on me for being paranoid if you must) and I found an email from a week ago between them where he started it off by referring to her as "My love" and her not correcting him. He is sending her pictures again as well.

 

I spoke with a trusted friend and they suggested that she is looking for something she is not getting at home. That he is most likely an innocent thrill and she is digging the attention and that I should let my discoveries slide for now and focus on "Out romancing" this other person so she remembers why she is with me and not him.

 

I guess my question is, would that be the best path to take? Or should I just confront her with what I have found and talk it out, accepting the blame and broken trust of snooping her computer. Any advice would be appreciated, I'm just sort of at a loss as to how to broach this with her without completely embarrassing her or turning it into a hot mess of blame game.

[jm2013]

Most of us have heard the "just a friend" line. What your wife is doing is incredibly disrespectful even if she wasn't having an affair. From that being said, it sounds like at the very least your wife is having an emotional affair with this man. That is obvious. Do you know where this guy lives? If he's close to you it is probably they were meeting up with each other. I'm not even sure why you are blaming yourself with broken trust when it is her who ruined it. You need to STOP blaming yourself now. If you keep that up your wife will take full advantage of it. I think you should snoop some more and blow the affair wide open. Get enough evidence to be able to approach her with it without refute.

[katielee]

Stop apologizing for spying on her. WTHeck? Your suspicions were confirmed, what's she doing is totally inappropriate - sending pictures?!!

She's in an emotional affair at the very least and you are within your rights to snoop a little when she's acting like this.

 

Why does she have friends of the opposite sex that are not your mutual friends?

Demand no contact with this creep. She makes a choice, you make a choice. And that choice of yours could mean kicking her to the curb.

 

Demand respect!

[TrustedthenBusted]

There is no such thing as out-romancing.

 

Let this sink in. Cheaters don't want YOU or HIM. They want both. It's really that simple.

 

You can pour on all the romance, and you know what...she'll just end up with TWO guys calling her My Love.

[DbleBetrayal]

You sound just like a normal person who has never been cheated on! Lol. You know what, one time a while ago, I thought just like you. I would have been disgusted at myself for being insecure and paranoid, and would have ignored it. But guess what, those feelings are there for a reason. You probably can't even imagine your partner would do such a thing like cheating, it's not something someone you love would do, right? Wrong.

 

I can guarantee you, most of us ignored a gut feeling- thought things like that only ever happened to other people. Trash on Jerry Springer or something. No, it happens to ordinary people just like you- right under your nose. These emails have been having a negative effect on you for a reason, don't ignore it. The 'just a friend' thing is a line we've ALL heard- when it was anything but. You probably never thought you'd have to tell someone you love, and who loves you where the boundaries are drawn- you assume they are obvious. But, sometimes the obvious has to be stated. The emails are making you uncomfortable for a reason- because there is something fishy going on. And it's most likely cheating. Sending photos? Come on. That's something a male "friend" doesn't do for no reason. In fact, any secret emailing going on for a long time with the opposite sex should always be monitored- that's how it all begins.

 

You're not being paranoid. I know that this may sound outlandish and crazy to you (being in the land of normal and blind trust)- but install a keylogger asap! My guess is, you'll be shock.

Edited December 8, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[NateGrey]

Personally I think your friend gave you terrible advice. You should not have to "out romance" some other guy on the internet. That is a red flag. If the wife is doing this merely for the attention..well, that in and of itself could still lead to an affair. All in all, I'd be horrified if my wife was essentially getting her "thrills" by disrespecting me behind my back.

 

Since you asked the guy to stop sending photo's and he complied..but then didn't, I feel your only course of action now is to tell her this friend needs to go. There can be no in between here, he simply has to go. Put your foot down. The way she reacts to this will tell you all you need to know about her.

[aliveagain]

This is an affair. The average time period to go from emotional affair to physical affair is 3-6 months even if they live halfway around the world. They will find a way to connect. She is stealing her time with you and rather than allowing your love to mature naturally she is choosing to give that to another man freely. Why is she not shutting him down when he makes a comment regarding her being his love? It is deeper than you think, she is giving her heart to this predator. There is one too many people in your relationship, time to shut it down.

 

Make copies of all their emails, save them somewhere she can't access or delete them because you don't know how this will turn out yet. You have told her your concern but she continues to disrespect you, why? Why is she looking for validation from someone she has never met? Time to draw your line in the sand and do not back down once you do.

[Selfish]

Don't get in a competition for your wife. That will feed nothing good inside of her. I am not saying romance and working on a marriage aren't good things. But without dealing with her poor boundaries and possible affair they are not going to help you or her. She will just become more reliant on external validation and it will break you.

 

I'm not one for controlling people either. So accept you can't control your wife, decide what you are okay with and then let her know what your boundaries are. She then has the choice to see if her boundaries coincide with yours and stay, or move on. You can't "nice" someone into change but you can't bully them into true change either.

 

I would suggest one of the things you require is that you both read not just friends by shirley glass. Poor boundaries with the opposite sex (or same if you are wired that way) have sunk many a relationship.

[drifter777]

If you have been married 8 years then there is no way you will ever "out romance" any other man who is charming your wife. Real life has set in on your relationship and that will never be as exciting as a new romance. But, of course, what you have is real and what she is doing with the OM is fantasy.

 

I agree that you should confront your wife before it is too late and she starts sleeping with this guy. And know that she could already be having sex with him so you might want to keep looking for the truth. You hacked her computer - so what? She gave you plenty of reason to be suspicious and, if I were you, I would assure her you will do that and much more to uncover the truth about her relationships with other men.

 

When a women comes to enjoy being desired and pursued by another man she will do just about anything to keep it going. Sex is the primary object she will trade in order to keep that OM hot for her. You need to whatever you have to do in order to stop her. Confrontation, no contact, individual counseling, marriage counseling - whatever it takes.

[badkarma2013]

Don't get in a competition for your wife. That will feed nothing good inside of her. I am not saying romance and working on a marriage aren't good things. But without dealing with her poor boundaries and possible affair they are not going to help you or her. She will just become more reliant on external validation and it will break you.

 

I'm not one for controlling people either. So accept you can't control your wife, decide what you are okay with and then let her know what your boundaries are. She then has the choice to see if her boundaries coincide with yours and stay, or move on. You can't "nice" someone into change but you can't bully them into true change either.

 

I would suggest one of the things you require is that you both read not just friends by shirley glass. Poor boundaries with the opposite sex (or same if you are wired that way) have sunk many a relationship.

 

 

*****************************************************************

A great deal of M/Cs now recommend (If your attracted to someone else..etc..) tell your spouse!!! Before an EA or PA happens...It takes the secret away and shines a light on a HUGE problem in ones marriage...

 

IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH ATTRACTION..PA/EA/ONS does'nt matter...and with all of those listed..ONE MAKES A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...no matter how drunk i was or how drunk a WW is WE ALL KNEW WHAT WE WERE DOING..AND WE LIKED IT... And most WWs will do anything to keep it going!

[No Limit]

Why is she looking for validation from someone she has never met?

 

Chances are they did meet.

[RightThere]

This is an affair. The average time period to go from emotional affair to physical affair is 3-6 months even if they live halfway around the world. They will find a way to connect. She is stealing her time with you and rather than allowing your love to mature naturally she is choosing to give that to another man freely. Why is she not shutting him down when he makes a comment regarding her being his love? It is deeper than you think, she is giving her heart to this predator. There is one too many people in your relationship, time to shut it down.

 

I wanted to echo this.

 

Your wife is in a full blown emotional affair. It will continue to escalate until they need a physical affair. But don't kid yourself, both are equally as bad.

 

Trust your instincts and start acting on them. Call your wife out on what she's doing and don't let her sweep it under the rug. She'll tell you it's "not a big deal" but then let her know you'd like to expose it to your friends and family. Then you'll know it is a big deal.

 

Good luck. Whatever you do, don't second guess yourself. She'll hide it deep underground if you expose it and then don't get professional help about it.

[dalbozz]

Thank you all for the advice. To give a bit more background this man lives several states away. I guess in her defense she does not speak with him outside of work hours and by speak I mean chat, in fact they only use emails, she had no chat records of him at all. She does not call him on the phone, well her personal phone anyway. And she works in a place where they would get on her for making long distance calls.

 

She has not password protected her computer nor has she encrypted her phone. In fact she just let me wander off with it for 45 minutes today while we were out at the store. I love her very much and she is always very loving and squirmy when I give her compliments.

 

I will take your collective advice and sit down and talk with her about this as soon as I collect my thoughts and know I won't come off as a half-crazed rambling loon.But yes. The re-sending of photos and the "my loves" are done with one way or another. I won't sit by and let someone just swoop in and uproot my life without a struggle.

[todreaminblue]

emotional affairs can start so innocently.......and be clandestine.......partners unaware as the person involved in the affair seems happy.....because her needs whatever they are are being met elsewhere.....

 

 

i dont think it is bad you snooped you followed your intuition and your heart and you probably snooped with a sinking heart knowing you would find something.....and you did

 

 

 

if i were you i would be direct and sit down with her turn of the television the phone the computer and in complete privacy....have that talk.......it has to stop.......and you have to be firm with that...a friend online or offline should never intercede on a marriage...and when they do ....they arent truly friends......they are the enemy......he has taken no notice fo your wishes as her husband he has disrespected and disregarded your talk with him...shoot him...kidding.......

 

he needs to go ...he is an enemy to your marriage and emotional affairs can often be more deep rooted than physical ones...take a chainsaw to those roots topple the tree and sever all contact....she has too do that to give your marriage a chance not to go through divorce......dont let this slide another day.......the tree needs to go...he needs to stop contacting your wife....to keep your marriage alive....she needs to understand and want the same thing.....to stay married to you.....deb

[todreaminblue]

*****************************************************************

A great deal of M/Cs now recommend (If your attracted to someone else..etc..) tell your spouse!!! Before an EA or PA happens...It takes the secret away and shines a light on a HUGE problem in ones marriage...

 

IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH ATTRACTION..PA/EA/ONS does'nt matter...and with all of those listed..ONE MAKES A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...no matter how drunk i was or how drunk a WW is WE ALL KNEW WHAT WE WERE DOING..AND WE LIKED IT... And most WWs will do anything to keep it going!

 

couldnt agree more........kill the secrecy about a possible marriage killer.....shoot it dead .......before it advances....because it always does....when in stealth mode......deb

[aliveagain]

Thank you all for the advice. To give a bit more background this man lives several states away. I guess in her defense she does not speak with him outside of work hours and by speak I mean chat, in fact they only use emails, she had no chat records of him at all. She does not call him on the phone, well her personal phone anyway. And she works in a place where they would get on her for making long distance calls.

 

She has not password protected her computer nor has she encrypted her phone. In fact she just let me wander off with it for 45 minutes today while we were out at the store. I love her very much and she is always very loving and squirmy when I give her compliments.

 

I will take your collective advice and sit down and talk with her about this as soon as I collect my thoughts and know I won't come off as a half-crazed rambling loon.But yes. The re-sending of photos and the "my loves" are done with one way or another. I won't sit by and let someone just swoop in and uproot my life without a struggle.

 

Making excuses for her won't help your situation. If it's no big deal why won't she stop if she knows how it effects you, why did she not protect you when he sent photos which go against your wishes, why did she allow him to call her his love without tearing him a new *********? She knows right from wrong, she is pushing your boundaries because she likes him and wants too. How do you think she would react if one of us sent you an email calling you my love?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would accept such disrespect and humiliation from you so why are you accepting such garbage from her?

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[theendisnear]

I had a situation very similar to this. Wife had emotional thing with another man on the other side of the country. They knew each other from work but he moved away. Emails only. It ruined our marriage and ended in divorce. Something like this is serious regardless as to whether sex is involved or not. Honestly, when it comes down to it, sex can be an easier thing to forgive. The sad thing is that I had an idea of what was going on early on, and had I have addressed it as soon as I thought something was fishy things may have turned out differently. The email thing can be just as dangerous if not more so, because it allows people to fill in the silence with whatever they want to, maybe she would tire of him or not really be attracted, or not even like him. But through email we have the ability to compose our best selves and think things out much more than in person. You really need to just bring this up with her and get it all out in the open.

 

Good luck.

[lolablue17]

Have a talk with your wife, Tell her that she slowly but surely, constantly and determinately, ruin your marriage.

 

Tell her that her behavior pushes you away from her, that you predict that in some point the crack between you will be too big to fix. Tell her that it's up to her, but if she continue that direction, at least you told her what's going to happen.

 

There is no point for her to try to persuade you. It's not a matter of persuasion. This is how you feel and that it. no more to discuss it.

[jackslife]

I think all the advice on here is spot on. Don't underestimate the validation thing here. Those emails are like little thrills when they come in. If you liken them to a nicotine, caffeine or alcohol hit then that is pretty accurate. Even if you only smoke 2 or 3 cigs a day, or have a couple of espressos or just a single beer of an evening, try stopping and see how you feel.

 

Hopefully you can nip this in the bud, but do not underestimate the seriousness of this situation. If you tell her to stop and she wants to keep going or is fighting against giving up you'll have an idea.

 

Keep us posted.

[goodyblue]

I was OW. I will tell you the same thing I tell everyone else who comes here with a story like yours. You are in deep denial. My guy lived 1700 miles from me. He had no problem having an affair. We had a private email, we had an untraceable cell phone. He and I spoke, emailed, sent texts pretty much all day every day and nobody knew a thing. He traveled for his business and every time he went, so did I.

 

Then, be left his wife. I moved across the country to be with him and we have been together ever since.

 

You don't know WHAT she is doing and if she is involved in an EA,Jesus. It is the MOST intense relationship i was ever a part of.

 

If you want to save your marriage, stop this now. There will come a time that it will be too late.

 

Trust me. I know how it works, the depth of deceit to which one will go in order to fulfill needs that they feel are not being met, real or perceived.

 

And out romancing.the other guy? Not a chance. The longer this goes the harder it will be to stop.

 

Don't rest on your laurels. Good luck to you.

[Mal78]

I really hope this is in the right place for this post. For a while now my wife of eight years has been chatting with a man online that she assures me is "Just a friend". This has been going on for seven months or so. I got scared,cowardly,paranoid... Call it what you will but at one point I snooped her computer (Yes I know, total trust break) and looked at her emails. Light flirting, he would send her pictures (which I asked him personally to stop and he did) and so forth.

 

Things cooled down but I, on a whim, snooped again just recently(Yes I know. rail on me for being paranoid if you must) and I found an email from a week ago between them where he started it off by referring to her as "My love" and her not correcting him. He is sending her pictures again as well.

 

I spoke with a trusted friend and they suggested that she is looking for something she is not getting at home. That he is most likely an innocent thrill and she is digging the attention and that I should let my discoveries slide for now and focus on "Out romancing" this other person so she remembers why she is with me and not him.

 

I guess my question is, would that be the best path to take? Or should I just confront her with what I have found and talk it out, accepting the blame and broken trust of snooping her computer. Any advice would be appreciated, I'm just sort of at a loss as to how to broach this with her without completely embarrassing her or turning it into a hot mess of blame game.

 

Her intentions might be innocent, however who know what his intentions are?

[badkarma2013]

Her intentions might be innocent, however who know what his intentions are**************

 

*******************************************************************

 

Who gives a SH#T WHAT HER INTENTIONS ARE...OR HER UNMET NEEDS ...OR WHATS SHE FEELS...

 

STOP...NOW...N/C...OR GET OUT...PRETTY SIMPLE....FROM HERE...

[Mr. Lucky]

Things cooled down but I, on a whim, snooped again just recently(Yes I know. rail on me for being paranoid if you must) and I found an email from a week ago between them where he started it off by referring to her as "My love" and her not correcting him. He is sending her pictures again as well.

 

However this shakes out, I wouldn't resume a "normal" marriage without MC and IC on her part to understand how and why this happened. All marriages have ups and downs, what stops her from seeking outside validation the next time things get tough? Don't just stick your finger in the dike...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry to hear that you are facing this situation, as many others have already suggested, I think marital and individual counseling may be a really good first step to take. I wish you the best of luck, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees