cotswald Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) After my boyfriend of 4 years and I graduated university 2 years ago we both had a strong urge to take some time off (about a year) and go travel. Both of us wanted to go see the world and have adventures while we were still young. I was open to traveling together but he really felt a strong need to go on his own and be independent for awhile. Seeing as we had been together for so long already I agreed that it was probably best to give each other some space to be young and independent. When we each left for our separate trips, we were on good terms. We had stayed together, fully committed right up until the day we said our goodbyes. Our agreement however was that we were technically broken up and going to have a don't ask don't tell policy between us when it came to other people. Me being in australia and him being in SE Asia travelling we went about 4 months without seeing each other, but we still talked at least once everyday through texts or calls or what have you. Then, I went to thailand and saw him and we reconnected as if no time at all had passed. We traveled for awhile together and became fully exclusive and committed to each other again. Now for the hard part...we have been home for about a month now and me being me got way too curious about what had happened during those 4 months that we hadn't seen each other. He didn't want to tell me but I pressed until he told me who he had been with while we were apart. I myself had had casual hookups with a few guys but NO sex just fooling around. He on the other hand had slept with 3 girls. I am struggling with this new found information so much more than i expected. It hurts and I am questioning everything I thought i knew about him even though I know how completely unfair that is. I was incapable of sleeping with anyone while we were apart because I felt guilty and like my heart couldn't seperate from my body long enough to go through with being fully intimate with someone else. He on the other hand didnt have that problem. He says it was just sex, he only wants me and eveything else a girl would want to hear. So why can't I accept what I had already agreed to and move on? Why am I struggling to look at him and see the same man I loved before? I fear that I was never really ok with us being with other people in the first place and I lied to myself and him about it when we first split ways. Now i am heavily dealing with the consequences. Edited December 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs
mammasita Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 As a woman, I get your need to know what he did......but also as a woman with a lot of male friends I get that MANY men can separate sex from love......sounds like he did just that. He had sex. If I were you, I would push that four months out of your head. You were apart, broken up and had an agreement to not ask and not tell that you breached. Understandably you are upset and I get that, honestly I do - but it sounds like your BF is otherwise PERFECT. He sowed his wild oats while he could and he was NOT cheating, and now he is with you and dedicated. Not many people have that opportunity. 1
Satu Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) There's no such thing as 'just sex'. If you really love someone you don't go to bed with other people. Ever. Edited December 8, 2014 by Satu
erklat Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Technically he got gigs and dumped you that day. The fact you're still together is because he didn't find anyone better. That makes you Barely good enough now, not the best. Trust and innocence is gone. You decide if you can live with that. 1
I'mBatman Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I know a large number of men who can separate making love and having sex, although i personally do not share this quality. He wanted to experiment while he had the chance but he still probably wanted to be with you in the end. He got his cake and got to eat it too. Albeit he did this in a respectful way and parted ways with you before exploring his sexual urges/curiosities. If this is not a religious/moral delima take it as it is. He wanted sex before commitment. He got what he wanted (sex before committing to you) and you got what you want (him)
ConfusedMike Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Technically he got gigs and dumped you that day. The fact you're still together is because he didn't find anyone better. That makes you Barely good enough now, not the best. Trust and innocence is gone. You decide if you can live with that. I'm with you on this. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone else while I was with my ex-gf. I loved her so much that although I found other women attractive, it would of never crossed my mind to even consider sex with anyone else. Personally, as soon as you said SE Asia on a solo trip (or with guy friends), I thought uh oh...this can't be good. I believe he knew what he was doing and thought he'd get away with it on a technicality. Would I have gone back? I did accept my ex's explanations and less than six months later, with the trust completely destroyed, I had no choice but to walk away and now I'm a mess and she's still doing what she's doing without a care. I hope you consider the lessons many of us have learned the hard way. I wish you the very best! 1
Author cotswald Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 I know a large number of men who can separate making love and having sex' date=' although i personally do not share this quality. He wanted to experiment while he had the chance but he still probably wanted to be with you in the end. He got his cake and got to eat it too. Albeit he did this in a respectful way and parted ways with you before exploring his sexual urges/curiosities. If this is not a religious/moral delima take it as it is. He wanted sex before commitment. He got what he wanted (sex before committing to you) and you got what you want (him)[/quote'] So then, do you think that this reflects an imbalance in our relationship and that perhaps I am more committed and "in love" than he is? Or, do you think that this is just part of life and human nature and he needed adventure and fun while he was still young? We are 24 years old. We were together for most of college and he was up until this point nothing but a fantastic and extremely respectful, committed boyfriend. Be honest, thats why I'm here asking a strangers advice.
Elle1975 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Well seems like that was his plan all along. The "technically broken up" simply was broken up. Just because someone acts caring and dedicated, doesn't always mean they are. I mean the entire forum is filled with "she's very affectionate" or "he always takes me out, such a gentleman". On the other hand, it simply might be that he didn't have the balls to tell you the truth "I am young and i feel like I am missing out on life. I'd like to see what's out there for a while". He might just be that he needed it out of his system. However the whole thing would rest on your shoulders; it would count on your love and commitment for him. That's a risky bargain. I would have a hard time accepting it, and knowing myself, it would make me sick to my stomach. It would plant a seed that would lead to a break up. I personally think that it's something that you need to talk about with him. If he wasn't honest, maybe you can be. Tell him that you have a hard time with the whole thing, him with other girls, etc.. Id also get him tested (never know..)
unforgotten Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Cmon, this is like if you would have said to him "Go and eat that cake". Then he'd go and eat it and you'd be like "Why did you eat that cake?!". Stop it. The terms were set, what happened happened and it should not matter anymore. Building a future starts with leaving the past.
I'mBatman Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 Only you know how you feel about it. Me i personally hate knowing what people have done in the past. Noooo thank you. If I could only be with virgins the rest of my life i'b be damn well set. Many men are like him and while its certainly not a "good" quality it's not really bad. He wanted to enjoy some sexual pleasure before possibly settling down. Honestly he respectfully broke up with you and went out to do his thing. If you really can't get over it then don't try. Perspective changes so don't feel bad that you said he could go do stuff and you wouldn't mind and now you do since it happened. I made fun of people in crappy realtionships and said that wont happen to me until my ex cheated on me. **** happens and you learn stuff. Anyway you have two choices. Stay and NEVER mention it again or leave and tell him you really don't think things will ever be the same. If you stay make sure you never mention it. He didn't cheat so he did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to have it brought up ever again
Recommended Posts