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Sending a Facebook message to an old girlfriend, appropriate?

ponchsox

By ponchsox
in General Relationship Discussion

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ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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I had a dream about my first lover (lost my virginity) from 17 years ago and looked her up on Facebook. She is married with a young child and appears very happy. I was thinking about sending a message like "hi, remember me?" but I was thinking it might be inappropriate now that she's married or perhaps even a little weird. Would this be ok or should I just pass?

littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

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Depends on what you're looking to get out of it. Without knowing any other details, my initial reaction would be to advise you to pass. You've already revisited old memories by looking her up on fb so not sure what getting in touch with her would achieve. Entirely up to you, though...

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ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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Depends on what you're looking to get out of it. Without knowing any other details, my initial reaction would be to advise you to pass. You've already revisited old memories by looking her up on fb so not sure what getting in touch with her would achieve. Entirely up to you, though...

 

It would be a strictly plutonic thing as friends. I haven't seen her in 17 years. I don't have any romantic feelings for her any longer.

littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

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It would be a strictly plutonic thing as friends. I haven't seen her in 17 years. I don't have any romantic feelings for her any longer.

 

 

Okay. I don't know, maybe sending a hello won't hurt in that case. It's just that I'm extremely cautious with these situations as finding / being found by long-lost exes on fb is what put my ex on the path to infidelity (he didn't need much convincing, mind). Apologies if my reply seemed a bit dismissive :)

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ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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Okay. I don't know, maybe sending a hello won't hurt in that case. It's just that I'm extremely cautious with these situations as finding / being found by long-lost exes on fb is what put my ex on the path to infidelity (he didn't need much convincing, mind). Apologies if my reply seemed a bit dismissive :)

 

She's also lives 1,500 miles away so it's not like this would lead to anything more.

serial muse Established Member

serial muse

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She's also lives 1,500 miles away so it's not like this would lead to anything more.

 

It could lead to an emotional affair. I'd just be really, really sure of what you want out of reconnecting before doing it. It sounds like you're not exactly sure yourself.

 

My sense is that it's generally not a good idea.

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

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She's also lives 1,500 miles away so it's not like this would lead to anything more.

 

Okay. You don't seem to have a reason for getting back in touch with her - if I were her, I'd be a bit freaked out that my first lover would want to know how things were with me after 17 years of absolutely no contact.

 

 

If you'd kept in touch in some way or if she were a friend then yes, maybe saying hi would be appropriate; if you'd bumped into her by chance, that would also be a completely different story... As it is, you went out of your way to look her up online. I just don't see what you (or she) would gain from this. Again, it's your prerogative - it looks like you've already made your mind up anyway.

mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

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My very first boyfriend contacted me through social media about 5 years ago (not facebook), he had no idea whether I was single, married or what.

 

He just said, "hey ms.rubble, what ya been up to for the past 20years?"

I was thrilled to hear from him, we were both single at the time (recently seperated) and we caught up on our lives. He now lives on the other side of the world and lives a very different life to what I would've picked! He came and visited when he was back in town, he looks just the same. I even jumped into bed with him for old times sake..hahaha!:o

 

Now we occasionally e-mail each other. I don't regret catching up with him again at all.

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ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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Agreed. As much as I would like to tell her how great she looks and how happy I am for her, I want to respect her and her family. I'll let her be.

 

I have to say I'm depressed that she has what I want (marriage, family.) I've been with some great girls and I don't have any regrets. I hope they were glad they dated me and don't have any regrets either.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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I have to say I'm depressed that she has what I want (marriage, family.) I've been with some great girls and I don't have any regrets. I hope they were glad they dated me and don't have any regrets either.

 

Well, I'm glad you figured out what your real motivation in contacting her is. I think people hold on and/or go back to exes - not cuz they miss the actual person, but the miss the "idealization" and/or "fantasy" of that person and/or what they "thought" they had with that person.

 

They also may be looking to repair their egos - especially if they could just "give it another try".

 

Exes are exes for a reason. IMO, the key is taking what you learned from that situation and applying it to your future.

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ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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Well, I'm glad you figured out what your real motivation in contacting her is. I think people hold on and/or go back to exes - not cuz they miss the actual person, but the miss the "idealization" and/or "fantasy" of that person and/or what they "thought" they had with that person.

 

They also may be looking to repair their egos - especially if they could just "give it another try".

 

Exes are exes for a reason. IMO, the key is taking what you learned from that situation and applying it to your future.

 

I'm contemplating getting some therapy about this very issue. I see myself as a failure because I'm 38 and should have a beautiful wife and kids by now but I'm still single. And the thing is I've been so blessed with a great job, a masters degree, my own home, a great church, healthy parents, and great friends. But this one missing piece of my life still haunts me.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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I'm contemplating getting some therapy about this very issue. I see myself as a failure because I'm 38 and should have a beautiful wife and kids by now but I'm still single. And the thing is I've been so blessed with a great job, a masters degree, my own home, a great church, healthy parents, and great friends. But this one missing piece of my life still haunts me.

 

I feel ya...while I have no desire for kids and the whole "white picket fence", that is the path that most humans make. They get married, have kids, etc. You sorta feel like a leper if you're not following suit and/or something is wrong with you. Especially now around the holidays. You see couples and stuff.

 

While I'm independent and stuff, sometimes I feel like it sucks that a guy can't do stuff for me, buy me a home, put a ring on my finger....But you know how I know that I'm content with me? Cuz, while I've never had guys propose to marry me, I've had the ILYs, the buying me stuff, doing "guy" stuff for me and it wasn't something I cared for.

 

Look, Dane Cook made a joke about relationships. He said when you're not in a RL, it's like you're standing outside of a party where every one is having fun and you're out their in the rain, alone....But, when you're IN a RL, it's like you're inside that nice warm home in the party, but yelling 'get me out of here!!!'.

 

I guess we just have to find a way to be happy with what we are and what we have...that is a struggle many of us have in life.

 

So, I think the key is realizing to be happy with yourself and not to feel pressured by what others may expect of us.

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ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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I feel ya...while I have no desire for kids and the whole "white picket fence", that is the path that most humans make. They get married, have kids, etc. You sorta feel like a leper if you're not following suit and/or something is wrong with you. Especially now around the holidays. You see couples and stuff.

 

While I'm independent and stuff, sometimes I feel like it sucks that a guy can't do stuff for me, buy me a home, put a ring on my finger....But you know how I know that I'm content with me? Cuz, while I've never had guys propose to marry me, I've had the ILYs, the buying me stuff, doing "guy" stuff for me and it wasn't something I cared for.

 

Look, Dane Cook made a joke about relationships. He said when you're not in a RL, it's like you're standing outside of a party where every one is having fun and you're out their in the rain, alone....But, when you're IN a RL, it's like you're inside that nice warm home in the party, but yelling 'get me out of here!!!'.

 

I guess we just have to find a way to be happy with what we are and what we have...that is a struggle many of us have in life.

 

So, I think the key is realizing to be happy with yourself and not to feel pressured by what others may expect of us.

 

Great points and I agree with you 100%. I'm very happy with my life, but it's the 10% of the time I feel alone that seems to be magnified.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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I had a dream about my first lover (lost my virginity) from 17 years ago and looked her up on Facebook. She is married with a young child and appears very happy. I was thinking about sending a message like "hi, remember me?" but I was thinking it might be inappropriate now that she's married or perhaps even a little weird. Would this be ok or should I just pass?

 

Totally wrong and inappropriate. 17 years and she hasn't been in your life, you do not know her at all. She's married and has a young child. Leave it alone.

Don't even say hi. So pointless...

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