EmbeddedCortex Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) So I have a general question which I didn't consider until the end of my first serious relationship a few weeks ago. I'm 28/M and I'm pretty familiar with being single for extended periods of time, although that also meant inexperience. However.... Is it a red flag if the woman/man you're dating has never been single? Meaning they've ALWAYS been in a relationship or have been dating/sleeping with someone? Particularly if they've been the dumper in each case. I guess this is more important if you're like me and are more of the "relationship" type. Edited December 8, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex
endlessabyss Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Red flag to me. Diagnosis : Extreme Neediness. 1
Brooke02 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 What are his reasons for the break ups? Neediness would be the dumpy not dumper, i would think..? Maybe he just hasnt found the right one yet, which could be you. Or hes jumped into relationships too fast & had all rebounds.. 1
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 What are his reasons for the break ups? Neediness would be the dumpy not dumper, i would think..? Maybe he just hasnt found the right one yet, which could be you. Or hes jumped into relationships too fast & had all rebounds.. lol I'm a dude. I'm asking because my ex was like this, maybe also bpd. When I was with her I thought it was weird that she jumped from relationship to relationship immediately one after another, but I didn't think she would do it to me based on what she would say. Long story short, she dumped me in summer, started dating some trashy guy, then came back 2 months later with love and apologies, then 2 months later dumped me again to date someone new she met one day. I'm asking to see if I should avoid these types in the future? haha
shet Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Red flag to me. Speaks of a lack of fortitude and internal resource. If you can't handle being single I don't really want to know you. 1
isisisweeping Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I had never been single most my life until I chose it specifically. I never felt like I needed to be in a relationship. I just met people easily and at the point I met someone it wasn't long until they wanted a long term relationship, and I'm rather long term-monogamous based myself too. I would want more details before assuming. That said, I feel like I have a better of idea of exactly what I want in a relationship at this point after choosing to be single for a while. (And that choice did hurt some people who wanted more in the meanwhile, unfortunately.) I'm not sure how much of that is being older verse the time, however. 1
Gloria25 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 What are his reasons for the break ups? Neediness would be the dumpy not dumper, i would think..? Maybe he just hasnt found the right one yet, which could be you. Or hes jumped into relationships too fast & had all rebounds.. I think the OP meant like NEVER single - no gaps between ends of RLs. I mean, they broke up today and at the end of the week already dating someone new. Back in the day, women went straight from their parents' home to a husband cuz of course, the husband, family and/or kids were a woman's only options and/or identity. But IMO, back then, at least the women pretty much did a decent job at being homemakers. But now a days, I wonder about women who go from straight parents to some guy - especially when women now a days lack basic domestic skills - such as cooking and/or cleaning (even sewing a button on a shirt). I think women now a days need to be on their own to become mature enough to handle the responsibilities (emotionally, physically, and/or financially) that come with a relationship. One of my siblings went through that. His gf never been on her own, was stuck to her family, afraid to develop new friendships. My sibling was all she knew and cared to know. She also didn't cook, know how to budget, and/or maintain a home. They are divorced (thank God).
stillafool Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I think it means they are in high demand. I personally would rather have someone who has been in relationships than someone who has been single for a long time and sleeping around. Yuk!
Danda Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I don't think it means anything for better or worse by default. However once I started dating at age 18, I wasn't single for very long at a time for 5 years straight. So it wasn't until I was 23 that I began the journey into single adulthood, which has been the case for me for the past 3 years. And it is rather considerable how much I started growing and changing the longer I experienced being single and getting comfortable with it. I was really able to flesh-out so to speak as an individual without any influence from or catering to a partner. Definitely developed a much stronger, more solid sense of self and made giant leaps of progress in figuring out what I actually want/need in life. So I would wonder if someone who has never been single has untapped growth in them and is really sure of who they are / want they want, due to my own experiences.
Phoe Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Big red flag. I'm not fond of the idea of monkey branching from relationship to relationship. 1
Phoe Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I think it means they are in high demand. I personally would rather have someone who has been in relationships than someone who has been single for a long time and sleeping around. Yuk! Why does being single automatically mean sleeping around? I only have sex in relationships. That means I definitely have less partners than someone who jumps from relationship to relationship. It also means I go years without any sex. Besides, someone who has many relationships without breaks can have just as many partners as someone who's single and just has hookups. Realistically, what different does it make? 10 different relationships or 10 different hookups? Still 10 different penises or vaginas regardless.
GravityMan Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 It's hard to say without knowing more details. If the person is 25-30 years old and has spent every moment of the past 10-15 years in two or three long-term relationships, then I think that's fine as long as no cheating was involved. Let's face it, one of the leading causes of breakups is because the person is growing bored or tired of his/her current partner and someone else caught their attention. They end it with their current partner and immediately start dating the new one. Very common, even among those who are secure, happy and mature. But if the person has jumped from relationship to relationship every 6-12 months, and has been involved with some shady characters, and seemingly doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything without the SO present...then that's a serious red flag. Neediness, clingy, instability, fear of being alone all come to mind. Most emotionally stable, healthy and happy young adults do not remain single for long periods of time. 6 to 18 months on average, I'd presume. They tend to meet people easily and usually give off a vibe that is positive and attractive to many others.
Rik777 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 I will have concerns. Definitely a no go area for me.
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 It depends. I was always a serial dater & rarely had a long time between relationships. By the time I broke up with somebody I was usually emotionally done so I didn't need long periods to find myself or assess my needs. Somebody just getting to know me would not call me needy or emotionally under-developed. It also wasn't that I couldn't go without a relationship but that I was lucky in that I often found interesting new people to date rather quickly. I did have a period of about 2 years in my late 30s right before I met the man who is now my husband when I wasn't in a relationship. I went on several dates; functioned as the reliable stand in date when a number of my male pals needed a date for a wedding or something; & I had a fulfilling FWB arrangement with another good guy friend. I didn't feel like my life was lacking.
amaysngrace Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Some people need to always be in a relationship because they crave constant attention. Others don't like themselves enough to ever be alone. It's a red flag to me. When a solid person is in a relationship it's because they want to be, not because they need to be.
carhill Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Being pretty familiar with this, I've come to view 'I can't be alone' in word and/or deed to be more indicative of a miss than 'I've never been single', of course presuming that either demonstrated perspective isn't a lie. In my demographic and generation, women are rarely single, except by clear choice, and then a relatively small percentage. A surplus of men provides enough compatible choices to quickly move from one partnership to another and, consistent with the opinion of a prior poster, the women appear to process out the relationship while in the relationship and the men know this so make their moves when they sense this process going on and the most desirable candidate rises to the surface and becomes the next iteration. IME, though results varied, many LTR's and/or marriages resulted from these transitions, reflecting the health of them for those particular people. Simply, it works.
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