nolanola Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Yeah 99% chance you are right but hard to be logical. Maybe I'll ignore conventional wisdom and send the flowers anyway and more than likely return to tell you all you were right. Maybe it will dissuade someone else lol The biggest hurdle in this is often the sense that you can control the situation. You can't stop her from falling in love with someone else, or meeting someone else. Not even if you camped out in front of her house...Don't do that by the way . The best thing you can do is to back away. Seriously give her some space. I agree that 27 is still fairly young. Give her some time to miss you. You may find that when you aren't there for a while she may start to miss the things you brought to her life. Also, she may date some guys her age that don't treat her as well - this may make her see the things you did for her positively. The worst thing you can do is to keep at her - you can start to seem like a stalker. Think of that when you want to contact her - do you want her to be telling her friends, family, etc that you are a stalker who won't let go? That is a bit of an exaggeration, but hopefully it will keep you from contacting her. Let her miss you, work on separating a bit yourself and there is no telling what may happen in the future. She is not going to forget you in a week or two. I promise. 1
irresolute Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Nolanola, You are right but op needs to experience by himself. Unfortunately, that's the only way he'll learn. He seems pretty convinced about the flowers, almost in a high. Let him experience. There's nothing we can do to persuade him not to. This is really sad but I've been in his situation. I couldn't listen what others were telling me because I was blind and I was addicted. 1
PaperCrane Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Nolanola, You are right but op needs to experience by himself. Unfortunately, that's the only way he'll learn. He seems pretty convinced about the flowers, almost in a high. Let him experience. There's nothing we can do to persuade him not to. This is really sad but I've been in his situation. I couldn't listen what others were telling me because I was blind and I was addicted. That right there speaks volumes. In a way we're all addicted to the feelings we have for someone. Some people deal with addiction better than others but in the end it always ends the same way; cold turkey. 1
nolanola Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 That right there speaks volumes. In a way we're all addicted to the feelings we have for someone. Some people deal with addiction better than others but in the end it always ends the same way; cold turkey. I could not agree more. Similarly, every person has to come to their own "rock bottom" in these types of situations. Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it goes on for years (like mine did). I would hope that everyone putting their experiences out there would make the OP think before he acts, but you are right...people have to learn for themselves. 1
Author Yankee99 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) Well the flowers are a no go any way. Ex (its hard to say that) is an RN at an ICU, I checked the hospital policies and no flowers in ICU, so definitely a no go now, that would get her pretty pissed. Sending flowers to her apartment just doesn't make much sense, I was picturing the flower guy coming in with all her co-workers in giggles asking her what was going on. Having them left at the front desk of her building just doesn't have the same effect. So a little more backstory, I came out of a very long and dysfunctional marriage (ex-wife left me for another woman, but thats a whole other story). Went through about 4 months of online dating, during which time I dated about 15 or 16 different women (yeah I usually go all out when I decide to do something) My now ex-girlfriend was so head and shoulders above the others that I was quickly swept off my feet. I think the lack of attention during my marriage (for now obvious reasons) probably left me a little insecure and love starved so I kinda panicked when she started pulling away. She has so many good qualities and I was positively euphoric when I was with her. We had a few of those "perfect days" where we hung out all day, hiked, shopped, cooked, etc. At the end of one of those days I let out a deep sigh. She asked what that was about and I told her I was just very, very happy. I could tell that made her uncomfortable, so I should have known earlier on that we weren't completely on the same wave length. She might have some commitment issues on her end coupled with my need for validation/attention given my romantic past so its really not surprising I'm at this point. I would like to say I can learn from this, but I really fell hard for her, and at my age I can tell it wasn't just the hormones working. Edited December 11, 2014 by Yankee99
Author Yankee99 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 The whole NC thing has me confused in my case since I was the dumper, and I regret it may have been premature.
HurtGator Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Haha, well you are right I think. This is why the harsh reality of the internet is sometimes needed. And it was a 14.5 year age gap;) please, 15 would be robbing the cradle. She liked that I actually knew to make a reservation, open a door, bring flowers etc vs the man children she had been dating. I guess that novelty was starting to wear off. Still hard to deal with but it is what it is. I did all the gentlemanly stuff to my exgf of two years: opened all doors, always drive, walk her on the side of the sidewalk, etc. She loved it at first but she took all that stuff for granted and just expected it. She became ungrateful. 1
newlyborn Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Well the flowers are a no go any way. Ex (its hard to say that) is an RN at an ICU, I checked the hospital policies and no flowers in ICU, so definitely a no go now, that would get her pretty pissed. Sending flowers to her apartment just doesn't make much sense, I was picturing the flower guy coming in with all her co-workers in giggles asking her what was going on. Having them left at the front desk of her building just doesn't have the same effect. So a little more backstory, I came out of a very long and dysfunctional marriage (ex-wife left me for another woman, but thats a whole other story). Went through about 4 months of online dating, during which time I dated about 15 or 16 different women (yeah I usually go all out when I decide to do something) My now ex-girlfriend was so head and shoulders above the others that I was quickly swept off my feet. I think the lack of attention during my marriage (for now obvious reasons) probably left me a little insecure and love starved so I kinda panicked when she started pulling away. She has so many good qualities and I was positively euphoric when I was with her. We had a few of those "perfect days" where we hung out all day, hiked, shopped, cooked, etc. At the end of one of those days I let out a deep sigh. She asked what that was about and I told her I was just very, very happy. I could tell that made her uncomfortable, so I should have known earlier on that we weren't completely on the same wave length. She might have some commitment issues on her end coupled with my need for validation/attention given my romantic past so its really not surprising I'm at this point. I would like to say I can learn from this, but I really fell hard for her, and at my age I can tell it wasn't just the hormones working. it is good that you will not be sending the flowers. i think you need more time to heal from your failed marriage. it sounds like you went through a lot and now have quite a bit of insecurity and a tendency to cling. i don't think your now-ex had enough time to get where you got emotionally. and then it sounds like your declarations and questions and neediness may have pushed her away. think of all the women you dated online. how would you feel if one of them acted in 2.5 months as you acted in your recent relationship?
broken77 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 IMO giving her more space than you want to and that you're comfortable with would be an unenjoyable relationship. You're 42, no time for push/pull or psychology games. If you had a brother or really good guy friend that came to you with this scenario you prob would tell him to move on and do all the right things to position himself for the next relationship.
Author Yankee99 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 I'll post more later. Have not contacted her for a couple of days now, we had a brief email exchange. Basically she said she would have broken up with me if I didn't break up with her and wished me the best. Its very very hard. The no contact is kinda easy I guess because I know she wouldn't reply anyway. I also respect her too much to make her feel uncomfortable by continuing to reach out to her. I let her know that I will leave her alone unless she reaches out to me, but could prove to be very difficult.
Recommended Posts