I broke it off with her - but I am totally broken up over it

[Yankee99]

OK, first the backstory, I have dated an amazing girl for the past 2.5 months, yes a relatively short time, but we were able to spend a lot of time with each other and form a deep and meaningful relationship.

 

This girl was everything I was looking for after many many failed online dating ventures. She was young, attractive, comfortable with herself (not the kind of girl that needed lots of makeup) and just generally easy going and a joy to be around. We had similar interests and outlooks on life and I honestly have to say I was completely head over heels, she was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night.

 

I fell for her very quickly, I felt I was in love with her at about the 5 week mark. She is quite a bit younger than me (42 vs 27) but never really felt like age was an issue between us. It had gotten to the point where I had met her parents, family and many of her friends. I know from talking to her that she does not have a great relationship history. She had a very long relationship that started in high school and a series of shorter relationships, most of which she said were with guys who were "projects". She told me it was nice for her to be with someone who had his stuff together.

 

Now I was madly in love with this girl, but I just wasn't feeling the reciprocation I needed coming back from her. Physically, she was very affectionate, smiling, holding hands etc.. There was a very strong sexual relationship as well. But I felt as if I was constantly pursuing her. It was me initiating texts/calls/plans etc. My heartfelt compliments went almost totally un returned. She rarely made herself vulnerable, on only a few occasions did she tell me that she missed me or said she NEEDED to see me. Edit to add that our conversations were fantastic. She was the best listener that I have ever dated, and I saw here do that not just with me but with her friends and family. She talked when she had something meaningful to add but was not the type to have to dominate a conversation

 

So to try and summarize, I felt like I had such strong feelings for this girl which were not being reciprocated and I felt really awful about it. We had some conversations but I felt like I wasn't getting through to her. I poured my heart out into a typed letter that told her that I loved her, why I fell in love with her, but that the lack of reciprocation was breaking my heart. I told her I know people don't always move at the same speed in a relationship, but that ultimately I wanted a serious and meaningful relationship with her. And I asked if she could provide an honest assessment of me and our relationship. Her answer was basically "I don't know" she said she liked me, had fun with me etc but that she felt a little smothered at times.

 

So I was hoping to get a reaction, either "this isn't working out" "I feel the same way about you" "I am not where you are emotionally but I want to continue to be with you" etc... I didn't get any of that.

 

So the next day I call her, I was trying to break up with her but it was very painful and difficult. Finally I tell her that 99/100 guys would probably be happy to have a casual dating relationship with a beautiful, outgoing girl, but that I needed more. I told her I loved her and wished her the best and then hung up the phone.

 

A short while later she texted me telling me she hopes I find the love I deserve and she's sorry it couldn't be with her. I haven't replied.

 

My hope through all of this was to get a reaction from her that would provide me some hope that our feelings could be more mutual. She did confess that something was missing and something seems to have changed a couple weeks ago but she wasn't sure what it was. I asked her why she didn't break up with me if thats the case and she said she doesn't rush into decisions like that.

 

So obviously I feel like crap today, but I felt it was important to tell her what I needed out of the relationship and that I wasn't getting it.

 

We didn't raise our voices to each other once during the relationship. I am not at all a believer in soulmates, but I felt very compatible with this girl and when I felt her start to pull away, it was too painful to continue.

 

Not really sure what advice I am looking for, but wanted to share my story. I really wish this wasn't the end, but the last thing I want to do is start contacting her again and then have the sick feeling in my stomach wondering if/when she will contact me.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Yankee99

[Standard-Fare]

Honestly, it sounds like you came on too strong for 2.5 months. It was too early to tell her you were in love if you weren't sure she could return that. Then by demanding an assessment from her, you basically forced her to let you down because she wasn't at your level.

 

But it's too late to undo all that. All you can do now is give her space. Absolutely do not contact her. Maybe she'll reach out to you later or maybe she won't.

[lonewalker]

2.5 months is too short. Sometimes it takes a whole for someone to grow on you.

[Yankee99]

Honestly, it sounds like you came on too strong for 2.5 months. It was too early to tell her you were in love if you weren't sure she could return that. Then by demanding an assessment from her, you basically forced her to let you down because she wasn't at your level.

 

But it's too late to undo all that. All you can do now is give her space. Absolutely do not contact her. Maybe she'll reach out to you later or maybe she won't.

 

Yeah, its hard to fill in all the details but basically it was gung ho at the beginning, even to the point where she changed her facebook relationship status fairly early on (something she says she never does) and things were going great for awhile, I just didn't know how to handle it once things started to ebb on her end. I could feel walls starting to come up which she admitted was the case. She said she was unsure if the walls were her being overly guarded or if she just wasn't feeling the same way about me. Thats why I feel like we needed to make a choice one way or the other.

[Standard-Fare]

Well, even though your behavior could read like relationship sabotage to a lot of people, it sounds like you personally felt you had no choice but to handle things this way. You knew you were head over heels, you needed the girl to be on the same page, and she wasn't able to confirm that. So the relationship's not right for either of you.

 

You shouldn't look back with regret. You did what what was right for yourself.

[Yankee99]

Well, even though your behavior could read like relationship sabotage to a lot of people, it sounds like you personally felt you had no choice but to handle things this way. You knew you were head over heels, you needed the girl to be on the same page, and she wasn't able to confirm that. So the relationship's not right for either of you.

 

You shouldn't look back with regret. You did what what was right for yourself.

 

Jeez, that's kind of it in a nutshell. Having those feelings for someone and then having the feelings not be mutual is a tough thing to deal with.

 

I did reply to a text she sent me, which is probably a mistake. I will try to do no contact. She just texted me that she hopes I find someone who can give me love and that she's sorry it couldn't be her. I replied that I hope she sees the same beautiful person inside and out as I do when she looks in the mirror and that she is capable of love because I felt it.

 

I am starting to feel better. Took a sick day today and a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. Hopefully I can eat soon.

[nolanola]

This is one of the worst feelings in the world, when you feel one way about a person and they don't feel exactly the same. It is so painful and I think everyone on here has felt the same at one time or another (whether they were on the strong feelings end or the other one). I know how hard it is to go NC at a time like this - but maybe this will help. If the case is that you came on too strong, by continuing to try to talk to her, text her, etc, you will only cement this picture. Give her some space. While the purpose of NC is not to get the person back, it may give her some time to realize that she misses having you in her life. Meanwhile, you will find that the longer you go without her, the less you hurt. Each day it is a tiny, tiny bit less - I promise. One thing that was helpful for me was to hang up a piece of paper with the number of days NC on it. Each day, I would scratch out the previous day's number and write a new one. It was a tangible way of showing myself that I could do it and just knowing that I would have to start all over was enough to keep me from caving several times.

NC really, really does help, although it totally sucks.

Posting on here helps too.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, it sounds like you came on too strong for 2.5 months. It was too early to tell her you were in love if you weren't sure she could return that. Then by demanding an assessment from her, you basically forced her to let you down because she wasn't at your level.

 

But it's too late to undo all that. All you can do now is give her space. Absolutely do not contact her. Maybe she'll reach out to you later or maybe she won't.

 

All of this. I think you put a lot of pressure on her to return your feelings, when you really haven't known her all that long. She told you she felt smothered; that should have been your cue to cool it a bit.

 

Having said that, I think you should continue NC. You two weren't on the same page, and you need to protect your own heart too. Time and keeping busy are your best friends here.

[todreaminblue]

i dont think love is ever totally equal someone always loves one more...the fact is you couldnt accept the way the relationship was and you did what you felt was right at the time...

 

 

 

you cant look back with regret things you said or did......will only cause you unnecessary heartache.....you have to go forward...

 

 

 

maybe sometime in the future she might realize what you meant to her behind those walls and be willing to put them aside to reignite that flame you felt for her......maybe that flame never left you .....or leaves you for quite a while.....whatever the case she gave you your answer you have to respect that and yourself and move on she wants you to find the love you deserve and that is a graceful thing to want for someone else..........

 

 

 

doesnt you should mean bang everything in sight but when you are feeling up to it ...open yourself to know another....stick to what you are looking for in a relationship dont deviate from that...learn from your past relationships for your future relationships either a try again with her or another new relationship whatever you have it will be momentum towards who you really should be with.....you did the right thing.......best wishes...deb

[Yankee99]

Thanks for the replies. I realize now that I put too much pressure on her. I wasn't looking for "I love you" but all of the "I miss you", random compliments, walking me to the door when I left her place, little texts updating me about her day, all that stopped and it really effected me a lot. Those were the little signs of affection that I needed to feel.

 

I am trying to be rational and know that the statistical chance of her coming around is very low. Still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell right now. I still could be dating her had I not given her the letter and demanded an answer, but I would feel that lack of connection and wonder when she would be the one to eventually break things off.

[irresolute]

You did right. She is an older woman and she's probably looking to have some uncomplicated fun.

It's true you rushed things and pushed her away with your clinginess but I understand you were a bit desperate to lose her. Then you tried to test her love pushing even more.

Unfortunately those games or reaction triggers don't work and now you feel horrible. You two probably would still be dating if you hadn't rushed things out but I understand your urges. I felt the same in the past.

 

I once urged him to say that he missed me. And once I told him to come see me even though he didn't want to. And i pushed and pushed...with no results.

 

 

Back off. She was not the one. It will hurt but you'll eventually move on. You did right breaking up with her.

[Yankee99]

Thanks irresolute. Just to be clear, I am the older at 42 and she is 27 soon to be 28.

 

Its hard not to run the scenarios in my mind about how to win her back

[newlyborn]

sounds like WAY, WAY, WAY too much for 2.5 months. it takes time to really get to know a person and to integrate them in your life, to figure out what you want with them. when someone comes on too strong, it does not always feel like love to the other person, but that the person is looking to fill a void in their own life.

 

it sounds to me that you jumped the gun with your declarations, questions, and then the breakup. i am sorry that you are hurting now.

[Yankee99]

Well the impartial comments here kinda make me think I jumped the gun. I am struggling hard now. Part of me wants to forward her this thread!

 

The part that really pushed me towards the breakup is when she told me she never re read my letter. I guess part of my mind viewed this as an almost pre emptive breakup since I was feeling super insecure about how she felt about me. She used to wrap her arms arounf me and say don't go everytime I left her place. Lately she didn't even get off the couch or even look my way when Ieft. Sorry for rambling a bit but this is helping

[toffeecream77]

Lately she didn't even get off the couch or even look my way when Ieft.

 

You had a gut feeling. Don't doubt your decision.

 

And 27/28 is still quite young...

[Yankee99]

The uncertainty was killing me but this is even worse

[Satu]

You wanted too much too soon.

 

Learn from it and you'll have a better chance of happiness in the future.

[Yankee99]

You wanted too much too soon.

 

Learn from it and you'll have a better chance of happiness in the future.

 

Really not liking the choices I made now. I hope the self doubt will fade. Realistically it was probably a long shot. I thought the pain would be less if I were the dumper but that's not the case right now

[toffeecream77]

Keep busy, keep distracted. There is a niggling doubt and you acted on it for a reason. Have faith in yourself.

[Elle1975]

She's not in love with you, sadly. She probably liked you (as she stated herself), but didn't see any long term commitment.

 

I mean 27/42, while you haven't picked up a high school girl, it's still 15 years. Yes, yes.. for some people it works, however it's still a major gap, and she probably saw you as a fun guy to hang out with, but not as the long term guy.

 

I'd leave it alone, and I'd find someone else.

 

By the way, "I don't know" mean "no".

[Yankee99]

She's not in love with you, sadly. She probably liked you (as she stated herself), but didn't see any long term commitment.

 

I mean 27/42, while you haven't picked up a high school girl, it's still 15 years. Yes, yes.. for some people it works, however it's still a major gap, and she probably saw you as a fun guy to hang out with, but not as the long term guy.

 

I'd leave it alone, and I'd find someone else.

 

By the way, "I don't know" mean "no".

 

Haha, well you are right I think. This is why the harsh reality of the internet is sometimes needed. And it was a 14.5 year age gap;) please, 15 would be robbing the cradle.

 

She liked that I actually knew to make a reservation, open a door, bring flowers etc vs the man children she had been dating. I guess that novelty was starting to wear off. Still hard to deal with but it is what it is.

[NopeNah]

You had a gut feeling. Don't doubt your decision.

..

This!

 

All you did was end it with your gut feeling. Which, in my day has been 100% spot on! You weren't ''getting,what you gave''.

[Yankee99]

I think I know in the long run what I did was right, I moved too fast but she definitely was pulling away. Had she continued with the same level of affection, I would have been fine. I didn't need I love you, just other forms of validation that she had been providing periodically.

 

Still, I have to fight the urge to send a giant bouquet of flowers to her work.

[irresolute]

Think of this: if my ex send me a giant bouquet of flowers to work, I'd think: "oh man, he's still crazy about me. Mmmno, I still don't like him that much. Poor guy"

[Yankee99]

Think of this: if my ex send me a giant bouquet of flowers to work, I'd think: "oh man, he's still crazy about me. Mmmno, I still don't like him that much. Poor guy"

Yeah 99% chance you are right but hard to be logical. Maybe I'll ignore conventional wisdom and send the flowers anyway and more than likely return to tell you all you were right. Maybe it will dissuade someone else lol