NC is not any easier the second time

[nolanola]

I haven't been on the forum in a few years. I first found this forum because I was dealing with a breakup with a very toxic person and felt like I was losing my mind. After a lot of back and forth-ing, I was able to go truly NC and finally moved on. It took several years, but at this point, I almost never think of my ex (of course this is the year that he has tried to contact me - twice!).

I am now in a new situation and reeling.

 

I met a man a year ago as part of a work thing and only connected as friends. I saw him at the same work thing again this year and we re-connected and really hit it off. After the event was over, we both went back to our lives (he lives 4 hours away), but he reached out to me and established an email and then text relationship for a month or so. In mid-July, he came here to visit and we went out for the first time and really hit it off. We kept in contact for the next month and a half or so and I felt really good about how things were going, his level of interest, etc.

 

I found out that he was fairly recently divorced (divorce final earlier this year) and seemed to be really still affected by it (he talked a fair bit about it and hadn't even told a lot of people that he was divorced yet). He also told me about his kids, which was obviously very difficult for him. We maintained a long distance "relationship" for some time, talking over phone or FaceTime every couple of days and texting often. We are both very busy and it's hard to carve out time to see each other. I found myself developing deep feelings for him and being scared at the same time, due to my last relationship.

 

About 2 months ago, he seemed to pull away a bit. We had just had a good visit and he just stopped being as active in contacting me. I reached out to him to tell him that I wanted our relationship to move forward (up to this point we hadn't had "the talk" yet) and he told me that he basically wasn't ready to try to have a serious relationship with anyone. He said that he feels a great responsibility to his kids to not mess things up with them and that he may be ready sometime in the future, but that he couldn't expect me to wait for him. I handled it pretty well and just said I understood. He seemed to be worried that I wouldn't want to talk to him anymore and I told him that I wasn't vindictive like that.

 

The week after our conversation, he texted me more than he had in the weeks prior. He tried to call and I admit I was being a bit stand-offish. Since then, I have reached out to him a few times and he always seems very happy to hear from me, texting me back long and excited messages, calling me back right away (I've only called once), but when I've backed off to see what he will do now (I last called Tuesday, with him texting me Wednesday morning), I haven't heard from him since.

 

I know I need to back away, to move on, to accept that he isn't ready and might not ever be ready with me. It's so hard to re-start NC. Every night I alternately worry and hope that he will contact me. I obviously want him to miss me and want to talk to me, but I also worry about how I should respond if and when he does.

I need some advice and support. This board was so helpful to me the last time.

Edited December 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[flightplan]

I'm a guy that has been in a similar situation. I was divorced several years ago and after about a year starting seeing someone similar to your situation. I think you understand his kids come first and from what it sounds like this guy has his head on straight. The problem in my case was the woman wanted to move faster than I was willing. I would've been ok if she would've pumped the brakes a little bit and slowed down but it got to feeling a tad weird when I knew we were on two different pages.

 

If this guy is important enough for you to pace yourself and go slow without "being standoffish" and understand he needs to move slowly, then it could develop into something. Just don't lay any expectations on him, or he'll shut down. Be honest with him, relaxed about it, no expectations, let things progress naturally, stay in touch on occasion and treat it more like a friendship, then I think it might have legs.

[6Pack]

Hi NolaNola,

 

Sorry to hear about the tough time you are having.

 

I have been through at least three major breakups over the past 7 years. EACH TIME, the NC was unfortunately, the only way to go, and the *feelings* (depression, gloom, doom, anger, guilt, desparation, replaying the breakup in the mind over and over, etc) are EXACTLY the same each time. It didnt matter who was at fault, but each time a breakup happened, the emotional cycle of giref played out the exact same way, with the "sensation" of the emotions being exactly the same.

 

This tells me one thing, really...that happiness, as well as its opposite (the emotion of loss), come from within us. Our dating partners might trigger our happiness, but that happiness is still a result of a biochemical process within our bodies. And, it is the same thing with grief...it is a withdrawal from a chemical in the brain.

 

So, having said that, we can learn how to gain control of the process, and speed up the healing.

 

Now, WHY the breakups keep happening, is another story. The breakups served to cause me to really reach deep down inside and find out what is going wrong...what mistakes am I making as a person...why are relationships falling apart for me when I am otherwise a "good catch".

 

What I figured out for me, is that I have really bad ADD, which was also the cause of problems in other other areas of my life (academic).

 

Interestingly enough, one of the breakups was so painful, that it caused me to really learn and grow and improve (uppping my game etc). And, ironically, that ex came back 18 months later, after she saw how much better I was as a person. She literally begged for another chance...the Dumpee's Dream.

 

So, the breakups have been awful, but I have used them to learn about myself...and I have learned so, so much...very harsh lessons. Hopefully, the next relationship will finally be the one that WORKS for both of us, where I get married, and build a house and a family.

Edited December 8, 2014 by 6Pack

[erklat]

It took several years, but at this point, I almost never think of my ex (of course this is the year that he has tried to contact me - twice!).

 

 

So this has been nc of substantial length ?

Edited December 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nolanola]

I'm a guy that has been in a similar situation. I was divorced several years ago and after about a year starting seeing someone similar to your situation. I think you understand his kids come first and from what it sounds like this guy has his head on straight. The problem in my case was the woman wanted to move faster than I was willing. I would've been ok if she would've pumped the brakes a little bit and slowed down but it got to feeling a tad weird when I knew we were on two different pages.

 

If this guy is important enough for you to pace yourself and go slow without "being standoffish" and understand he needs to move slowly, then it could develop into something. Just don't lay any expectations on him, or he'll shut down. Be honest with him, relaxed about it, no expectations, let things progress naturally, stay in touch on occasion and treat it more like a friendship, then I think it might have legs.

I appreciate your perspective on this. I have never been married and don't have kids, so this is completely foreign to me. I respect what he is dealing with - it seems to me that he hasn't fully dealt with the divorce yet. He still hasn't told a lot of people that he's divorced, including some people he knows fairly well. I admire that he is so devoted to his kids and it actually makes me like him more.

I am struggling with how to approach him in this. I don't want to sit by and wait forever, because there is no telling when he might be ready, but I also don't want to completely shut the door either because he does have a lot of great qualities. The problem is that I know I have feelings for him. Due to this, I want to talk to him regularly, see him, etc. But I know he's maybe not ready for this level of relationship. That is why I pulled myself back a bit. I have been very friendly and have texted him a few times and called him once. He seemed to be really happy to hear from me and has said he misses talking to me. But I also don't want to feel like I'm the one making contact all the time and investing so much of myself.

From your perspective, how would you have like the woman you dated to approach you? To just give you your space and live her own life - let you be the one to reach out?

[nolanola]

So this has been nc of substantial length ?

So the previous guy, I went NC in September of 2010. I erased his number, deleted his messages, etc. I even quit a part time job to avoid any chance of seeing him. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The relationship was very toxic and I felt the only way to heal myself was to get completely away from him.

We did not speak or interact in any way for 3 1/2 years. Earlier this year, he sent me a text that said "Hi", which I ignored. Then a few months ago, he sent me another text that said that he knew he was too late, but that he felt I was the best person he had ever known and to thank me for everything I had done for him, etc, etc. I ignored this as well, not because I want him to suffer, but because he has a way of pulling me back in and I don't want that anymore.

Doing NC with him was the best thing and the hardest thing I've ever done because it helped me to heal.

As I mentioned above, I don't know what to do in this situation.

[nolanola]

Hi NolaNola,

 

Sorry to hear about the tough time you are having.

 

I have been through at least three major breakups over the past 7 years. EACH TIME, the NC was unfortunately, the only way to go, and the *feelings* (depression, gloom, doom, anger, guilt, desparation, replaying the breakup in the mind over and over, etc) are EXACTLY the same each time. It didnt matter who was at fault, but each time a breakup happened, the emotional cycle of giref played out the exact same way, with the "sensation" of the emotions being exactly the same.

 

This tells me one thing, really...that happiness, as well as its opposite (the emotion of loss), come from within us. Our dating partners might trigger our happiness, but that happiness is still a result of a biochemical process within our bodies. And, it is the same thing with grief...it is a withdrawal from a chemical in the brain.

 

So, having said that, we can learn how to gain control of the process, and speed up the healing.

 

Now, WHY the breakups keep happening, is another story. The breakups served to cause me to really reach deep down inside and find out what is going wrong...what mistakes am I making as a person...why are relationships falling apart for me when I am otherwise a "good catch".

 

What I figured out for me, is that I have really bad ADD, which was also the cause of problems in other other areas of my life (academic).

 

Interestingly enough, one of the breakups was so painful, that it caused me to really learn and grow and improve (uppping my game etc). And, ironically, that ex came back 18 months later, after she saw how much better I was as a person. She literally begged for another chance...the Dumpee's Dream.

 

So, the breakups have been awful, but I have used them to learn about myself...and I have learned so, so much...very harsh lessons. Hopefully, the next relationship will finally be the one that WORKS for both of us, where I get married, and build a house and a family.

I think you have some really good points here. As I mentioned below, my previous relationship was extremely toxic and getting out of it and away from the guy (by finally going NC after years of back and forth) was so painful, but was what ultimately freed me.

When I got involved with this new guy, so many of the painful feelings from that last relationship came flooding back and I was surprised at some of my reactions to the new guy's (very normal) behavior. I know I need to work on some of these things because it's clear to me that even though the old relationship is over and he is gone, his ghost is still haunting me and keeping me from building new things on a good foundation.

If I may ask, how did you work on your issues? Counseling? A lot of thinking or journaling? I feel like I don't know where to start, but I know I need to deal with these left over issues.

Some of my old feelings may have affected the new guy - not sure.

[6Pack]

I think you have some really good points here. As I mentioned below, my previous relationship was extremely toxic and getting out of it and away from the guy (by finally going NC after years of back and forth) was so painful, but was what ultimately freed me.

When I got involved with this new guy, so many of the painful feelings from that last relationship came flooding back and I was surprised at some of my reactions to the new guy's (very normal) behavior. I know I need to work on some of these things because it's clear to me that even though the old relationship is over and he is gone, his ghost is still haunting me and keeping me from building new things on a good foundation.

If I may ask, how did you work on your issues? Counseling? A lot of thinking or journaling? I feel like I don't know where to start, but I know I need to deal with these left over issues.

Some of my old feelings may have affected the new guy - not sure.

 

I dealt with the breakups by using a combination of things...NC, working out, trying to be more social, trying to improve myself on every level (apartment, clothes style, etc) as well as things like hypnosis. I also started using various Law of Attraction ideas such a writing every day: "I now have a new perfect Girlfriend" like 15 times a day. Doing this programs your subconscious to believe it, and you somehow create that reality for yourself.

[flightplan]

From your perspective, how would you have like the woman you dated to approach you? To just give you your space and live her own life - let you be the one to reach out?

 

I hear exactly what you're saying and I'm sure he can understand your concerns. He might not be ready, and if you can genuinely handle that, then just be a good friend. If you can't, he'll pick up on it sooner or later and probably distance himself.

 

In my situation, it was all or nothing.. so I chose nothing. I would have appreciated friendship first. It would've allowed me to slowly ease into it. But you need to know there is a chance he'll never reciprocate because his issues may be wayyy beyond anything to overcome with a new relationship.

 

I honestly would've really appreciated what you just wrote. Communicate to him what you just stated, be cool about it, without being needy, or giving the impression of an ultimatum. Tell him you just want to be his friend for now. Be a sounding board for one another.

 

Guys like to fix things, so don't be afraid to ask his opinion and get his thoughts. Ask him what he thinks and I think he'll respond positively.

[irresolute]

Nolanola,

 

You know that a guy that says he's not ready it's because he's not ready to be in a serious relationship WITH YOU and that he probably is looking for something else. My advice is to back off. He might reach out to you because he feels guilty or bored or maybe because he doesn't want to lose what you both have but this is very different from being in love.

 

You know what to do.

[nolanola]

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your perspective. It is really difficult for me because I have so many people giving me different opinions that I don't know what to do.

I basically told him what I wrote you when we talked and he seemed to appreciate that I was so understanding. He told me that the last three years had been nothing but demands and pressure and he appreciated that I was not like that. It's the first time in my life that I was ever able to just stay cool, not freak out or get upset. I have tried to stay friendly and our last conversation was about 4 days ago, when I called him. He seemed really happy to hear from me and our conversation was good, friendly. I've never given him an ultimatum and I won't because I was raised by a single dad and he had some crazy girlfriends around - I would never want to be one of them. I miss him a lot and want to talk to him, to be his friend, but it's tough. I want to leave the door open, but I don't want to be a fool either.

[ConfusedMike]

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your perspective. It is really difficult for me because I have so many people giving me different opinions that I don't know what to do.

I basically told him what I wrote you when we talked and he seemed to appreciate that I was so understanding. He told me that the last three years had been nothing but demands and pressure and he appreciated that I was not like that. It's the first time in my life that I was ever able to just stay cool, not freak out or get upset. I have tried to stay friendly and our last conversation was about 4 days ago, when I called him. He seemed really happy to hear from me and our conversation was good, friendly. I've never given him an ultimatum and I won't because I was raised by a single dad and he had some crazy girlfriends around - I would never want to be one of them. I miss him a lot and want to talk to him, to be his friend, but it's tough. I want to leave the door open, but I don't want to be a fool either.

 

It seems that you've found a genuinely good person who has been honest with you. Personally, I find that refreshing. You've read my posts and there were so many lies and deceit in my relationship that I don't know where the truth, if any, lies, so much so, that I'm concerned that I may have trust issues in the future. I doubt it because I still believe that goodness exists in people and if I'm willing to get into another relationship, I'll have faith in that person, so if I get hurt again, that's okay.

 

My point is if you believe that he's being completely honest with you, you should be equally honest with him, which I know you will be and share you're feelings with him and set the right expectations so there are no surprises.

[nolanola]

It seems that you've found a genuinely good person who has been honest with you. Personally, I find that refreshing. You've read my posts and there were so many lies and deceit in my relationship that I don't know where the truth, if any, lies, so much so, that I'm concerned that I may have trust issues in the future. I doubt it because I still believe that goodness exists in people and if I'm willing to get into another relationship, I'll have faith in that person, so if I get hurt again, that's okay.

 

My point is if you believe that he's being completely honest with you, you should be equally honest with him, which I know you will be and share you're feelings with him and set the right expectations so there are no surprises.

Thanks for your thoughts, Confused Mike. I can understand trying to trust in people and how hard it can be with a new person after someone has broken your trust. My previous boyfriend was such a liar, but then again I kept coming back to him after he had proven himself to be untrustworthy time and time again. Getting to know this new guy has been great and hard at the same time because my initial reactions are to not trust him. He has always been honest with me and has given me no reason to doubt what he says, but my first instincts are to doubt. I also constantly fear that he will disappear without warning. I recognize that this is about me rather than him and that I have some work to do on myself.

I get angry at my old boyfriend sometimes because even though I haven't spoken to him in 4 years, he is still affecting me.

I talked to the new guy the other night when he called and it was great - I think we connect really well as friends. I am trying to meet other people and have been chatting on Tinder with a few people. My heart isn't really into it, but I'm hoping that it will be enough to keep me from thinking about him so much. I accept where he is in his life and it's the first time that I don't feel like a crazy person trying to change him or make him see my point of view.

[Elle1975]

Often people stay in contact because they are fearful of upsetting the ex. "If I play nice, surely he will be back". Personally I'd say just cut all contacts.

 

If he calls just tell him you respect his decision but you're looking for someone long term, and since he isn't it, there is no point in staying in contact.

 

My guess is that he wants to remain on friendly terms to soften the blow, or to not appear as the "bad guy" (if there's such thing).

 

He will miss you if you walk away, not if you stay in his periphery.

[Itspointless]

Often people stay in contact because they are fearful of upsetting the ex.

I wanted to say something along these lines. You do not want to act crazy, I really understand that. But supressing your feelings isn't a good option either. It only works for so long before you drive yourself crazy (actual crazy). Unfortunately we can't change people, just as we can't deny ourselves and how we feel.

 

Somehow your story really speaks to me, I guess because I recognize the powerlessness you seem to be experiencing and the grip history has on us. I hope I will be able to trust again anytime soon. Listen to your heart.

[nolanola]

I wanted to say something along these lines. You do not want to act crazy, I really understand that. But supressing your feelings isn't a good option either. It only works for so long before you drive yourself crazy (actual crazy). Unfortunately we can't change people, just as we can't deny ourselves and how we feel.

 

Somehow your story really speaks to me, I guess because I recognize the powerlessness you seem to be experiencing and the grip history has on us. I hope I will be able to trust again anytime soon. Listen to your heart.

I'm glad something about my story speaks to you. I find a lot of comfort on these boards as well and sometimes reading what other people are going through makes me feel so much better. Maybe because I know I'm not alone in how I feel.

As far as this guy goes, I genuinely don't think he is stringing me along. I know some people may think I am deluding myself, but I have to trust my heart. I am not waiting for him - I am trying to meet other people (although I admit I'm not full of enthusiasm about this). I honestly do think that his hesitation comes from his relationship with his ex-wife and his kids and I do understand this as he has never lied to me. I don't think he is trying to soften the blow - I have definitely had that happen before with other people. Again, I could be wrong, but my intuition says that I'm not.

I do agree with what you have to say about supressing my feelings and changing others. Flight plan had a lot of good things to say above, as a divorced guy, and I think a lot of it applies here. It's possible that we may be friends and he will never be ready, or will meet someone else.

I do appreciate everyone's opinions though. I've never dated anyone that was divorced or who had young children and I have no idea what to expect or how long things take or how to proceed.