She has left me again! what do i do :(

[jay999]

Hi everyone, so I've just registered for this site as I feel really lost and confused about a current situation with regards to my ex gf. I'm 23 now and she is 20.

 

Please read it all as i am so confused its getting me pretty down !

 

So we met on holiday last summer, got on really well and live close to each other. we were seeing each other from July 2013- November 2013 so 4 months. The thing is, is that even though i liked her, at the time she seemed to like me a lot more than i did her. she would text me non stop and wanted to see me most weekends which was cool but i liked playing it a bit hard to get for some reason. Anyway i let her down quite a lot cancelling on her and being late etc when we arranged to meet up which i didnt mean to as its not me. There was then a period between middle October and end of November where i lost my job so had no money to take her out or see her or anything so for 5 weeks i didn't see her but she understood this and we arranged to see each other 30th november as this was when i got paid again and could start seeing each other properly. We were texting every day saying how we couldn't wait for that day to arrive. Anyway the day before on the 29th i went out with mates and called her at 4am in the morning asking her to pick me up as i was stranded on my own (was very drunk) and apparently she refused as i was so far away and then apparently i was horrible to her on the phone! Anyway got home at 6am and i was meant to meet her at 10am to spend the day in london with her. She messaged me at 10am asking if we were still meeting up today and stupid me didnt get up til 12!! completely missed my alarm and couldnt believe it. I called her straight away and she said these exact words.. 'Babe I'm done!' I couldn't believe it as i never heard her say anything like that before.

 

Anyway the next few days was a killer. It's so true you don't know what you had until its gone! It's like it suddenly hit me how much i actually cared about this girl i was so scared to lose her. I sent her flowers at work and tried to apologize to her and how i was such an idiot! She stopped texting me as much and was off with me when she did actually text. I really thought i just needed her to calm down to get back her back but this wasn't the case. We went out the following weekend as i said i really wanted to see her. She was so reserved with me and refused a kiss when i went to kiss her. This made my heart sink as she never had done this before. I was saying to her 'so this is it, we're never getting back together' and she just looked at me and said 'no im sorry'. anyway i dropped her home in the car.. the whole way we were holding hands so i knew she still cared but obviously had enough of me.

 

After that day at the beginning of december i didnt see her for months!! around december and jan i called her and i begged for her back (i know i shouldnt have) and cried down the phone to her on new years eve begging her back. she started to say we didnt work and that she has this guard up' from new year to the end of jan there was 0 contact. it was so hard as she would talk to me everyday.. so i called her at the end of January and she was pleased to hear from me.. we arranged to meet up but she cancelled a day before. Anyway even though we still texted and spoke i didnt see her for a further 7 months!!! Even though i tried arranging to meet up in the mean time! she either said 'she was busy, it wasnt a good idea, or she would cancel'

 

Anyway after many periods of texting for a couple of weeks and then not speaking for 4/5 weeks (this happened several times) i finally got to meet up with her in June 2014! i took her to the theater and had such a nice time. we held hands the whole way through and afterwards she text me saying 'thanks so much' and that 'she had missed me'. This was all nice to hear but a few days later after texting alot we didn't speak for like 2 months. (I always wait for her to text me first when she cuts me off for 2 months) She just suddenly wont text me back and then 2 months later she will text me to find out how i am etc. This has happened like 3/4 times now. I decided to give up after that! never thought i would as I'm not a quitter.. was really hard aswell for me.

 

So a couple more months go by and we havent spoken at all. I miss her every day but do my hardest to not think about her. I then got a new phone and number in October 2014 so i text my old phone book saying I've got a new number and she was in that phone book. Anyway she text me back saying 'hey stranger you ok' and as usual we start speaking again. But this time after a few days of normal talking she said 'ive got something to tell you but im scared' I said 'go on tell me' and she ended up saying 'i miss u'. this made my heart go crazy as she hadnt said this in monthss! i dont her you dont miss me and we just carried on talking normal chat. a few days later i asked if she wanted to go to the cinema and get go out for a meal..whereas before she would say she was busy she was up for it this time...

 

So here comes the bit i need help with..

 

We met up last month and ended up kissing (first time in a year!!!!) we got on really well and 2 days later we went London together to a really fancy restaurant i booked and had a lovely day out.

A coupe of days later she asked if i wanted to go to hers on the weekend so we got a takeaway and had cuddles in bed and got on really well and was so nice. The next day we went out for lunch and shopping and again got on really well (i felt like we could be going somewhere again). 2 days later on a weekday evening i asked if she wanted to come with me to this bar with some of my mates and asked her to bring her friend. I was a little bit drunk as i was drinking with mates before. Anyway she said cool and she came along. I had never been to this place before but it was a s*** hole!! i walked in with her and she turned to me and said i cant go in here (as it wasnt very nice) i understood and she and her mate went to another bar near by and she told me to stay with my mates so i was like cool and did exactly that.

 

The whole night i hated that i had let her down as everything the past 2 weeks had gone so well. Anyway i called her a few hours later and she was a little bit off with me or it sounded as if she was.. so i called her when i was a tad drunk and said how she had changed so much tonight and wasnt who i had seen the last couple of weeks.. and funnily enough she said the same thing to me... anyway i ended up making her cry on the phone and she was like 'we just dont work do we' and i agreed cos i was drunk (i do think we work but she quits at the first hurdle and never wants to TRY and make it work or properly work at our relationship.)

we had arranged to go to disney land paris in the last couple of weeks and were going to book it that following weekend. But after that night she said it wasnt going to happen now. we were both so excited to book it but she said she didnt want to now after one petty argument.

 

i text her the next day saying can we forget about everything that had happened and she said 'of course we can, what even happened ' She was a bit off with me the next few days but we had arranged the zoo the day before and she promised not to cancel. She said she might not be as cuddly with me but we went to the zoo on the weekend and had a great time, got on pretty well. we held hands quite a lot and forgot about what happened in the week. after a few hours we walked back to the station and hugged and she said 'ill always be here for you'. I couldnt understand as we had got on so well the last few weeks but just because of ONE night she goes completely off me again and its obvious she doesnt want to see me again. It breaks my hard but i try and play it cool cos it's always me fighting for her.

 

she text me later that day saying thanks for the lovely day out. we texted the next few days as 'friends' but i decided to back off a bit as she got me so attached again! she text me saying have i done anything wrong and i just said 'yea you have' (normally id say no im fine). Anyway i told her she had become a headf*** and she said 'the reason ive been different towards you the last few weeks compared to the last year is because i did miss you babe' she started saying it wasnt me and that it was US that didnt work. i said 'why cant u just fight for me' and she replied 'I'm a wimp you know that' and then she randomly said 'i hope you're alright ill drop your gloves off on the wall (cos i left them at hers) at the weekend'

 

This really bothered me cos it was as though she doesn't care suddenly again. so i had a go at her saying all the stuff she had said and done the last few week that had bothered me (i would never do that normally cos i wouldn't let it bother me) but it always looks like its me in the wrong so i had to tell her some stuff she had said and done since we met up again to make her realise its not just me) they weren't anything major but i think it opened up her eyes and she realised i had done everything right the last few weeks and she apologized to me and just said 'i just have this guard up and im scared to be let down or hurt' and then she started saying how 'we will always be friends' i said to her to look after herself and she said 'you too' and that was it. Havent had any contact in 2 weeks now!

 

Really struggling to understand her feelings. I will never give up on this girl but she just gives up at the first hurdle and never tries to properly work it out with me...

why did she come back after a year of not being together? even though she said we would never ever get back together a year ago.. and then suddenly we were seeing each other again after a year and it looked like it was going somewhere..but one fu** up by me and she throws the towel in!

 

What do i do? did i try too hard when we started seeing each other again? does one petty argument really make a girl run off forever? does she not like me as much as when we first met? has she seen something in me that she doesn't like anymore but wont tell me the truth so just says "we dont work"??

Ive been so nice to her since the first break up and avoided any arguments that might occur! i would do anything to make her happy? what have i done wrong im so confused. im as heart broken as the first time

 

If you actually read all this thank you and i appreciate all of your replies.. feel free to ask more questions.

 

Thanks

 

Dean

[erklat]

You became too available and a doormat to her. Why do you so readily

accept her popping in and out of your life as she pleases ? Hasn't it occurred

To you it may be better for your personal well being to say to her it doesn't

Suit you and you wish to stop with that kind of arrangement?

 

Also you have generation gap relationship meaning you are not on the same

Chapters in life and females aged 20 are especially fickle. If you want committed

Relationship there is a chance you will need to find someone else.

[stillafool]

She has left me again! what do i do

 

Let her go. She is young and has her life to live. If it is meant to be for the two of you to be together she will come back. Leave her be.

[Chi townD]

Well, I'll tell you what I think is going on here, but you're not going to like it. But, I'll tell you anyway.

 

 

Read through your post again. Everytime there was a problem, it usually involved drinking, or you talking to her while drunk. Almost EVERYTIME! There were times that you probably ditched her to go out drinking with your friends. Now, I'm not saying that you're not allowed to go out with your friends, but you needed to make time for her as well. You seriously called her up at 4AM to come pick you up drunk out in the middle of nowhere? You probably made her think that the only thing she was good for was a taxi service. I don't think you put in a CONSISTANT effort into making her feel special. Sure, you took her out to some amazing places, but she was always probably thinking when is the other shoe going to drop. And it usually happened and it usually involved booze.

 

 

Now, she'll talk to you periodically and even go out with you from time to time. But, I think her intentions are nothing but friendly. She's okay to put you in the friend zone, but as far as a seriously relationship is concerned? I think she doesn't view you as a safe bet.

[jay999]

yes i know i treated her like sh** last year when we first seeing each other. i had problems with my job and i didnt appreciate her i guess. But as soon she ended it i woke up! i never ditch her for friends, im more likely to ditch my friends for her! been nothing but nice to her the past year and when we started seeing each other last month i messed up one night (didnt even mess up that bad) and she goes completely off me again and says we dont work. I saw her 6 times in 3 weeks last month and 5/6 times we got on so well.. surely that should outweigh the one not so good time? no? It just looks as though she gives up at the first hurdle and never wants to fight for me. whereas i am the opposite i would never give up on her...

Edited December 8, 2014 by jay999
spelt wrong

[Chi townD]

Dude, in the mind of a woman, you can have 100 attaboys under your belt, but all it takes is one Oh sh*t moment and those 100 good deeds are out the window.

[tikay00]

Dude, in the mind of a woman, you can have 100 attaboys under your belt, but all it takes is one Oh sh*t moment and those 100 good deeds are out the window.

 

BOOM. He speaks the truth.

[Itspointless]

yes i know i treated her like sh** last year when we first seeing each other. i had problems with my job and i didnt appreciate her i guess. But as soon she ended it i woke up! i never ditch her for friends, im more likely to ditch my friends for her! been nothing but nice to her the past year and when we started seeing each other last month i messed up one night (didnt even mess up that bad) and she goes completely off me again and says we dont work. I saw her 6 times in 3 weeks last month and 5/6 times we got on so well.. surely that should outweigh the one not so good time? no? It just looks as though she gives up at the first hurdle and never wants to fight for me. whereas i am the opposite i would never give up on her...

I agree with Chi townD. I am afraid you are seeing it wrong here, she gave you a few chances to fight for her. The first period you were avoidant, you have learned that it gave the wrong impression.The second time when she came for you, you chose for your friends. Of-course she expected you to come with her. Don't be fooled man, you failed the test there. She wanted to feel that she is important to you, but you said OK to what she proposed. It made her conclude that you just don't see want she likes and needs. She thinks you are nice, but your chances with her for more are gone. Sorry man.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Itspointless

[jay999]

no i wanted to go with her! but she was with her mate and when she left i said to her 'i want to go with you' and she insisted 'no stay with your mates, please'.

She said it wasnt even that night that messed anything up, she just said we dont work but i dont understand.. we got on so well before that night and went to the zoo a few days after and got on fine then but wanted to let it all go.. what else could it be..? she just quits! man i dunno what to do

[Itspointless]

no i wanted to go with her! but she was with her mate and when she left i said to her 'i want to go with you' and she insisted 'no stay with your mates, please'.

She said it wasnt even that night that messed anything up, she just said we dont work but i dont understand.. we got on so well before that night and went to the zoo a few days after and got on fine then but wanted to let it all go.. what else could it be..? she just quits! man i dunno what to do

Many times woman do not say straightforward what they really want. Yes, I do not think that it was just that moment that made her decision solid. But it confirmed for her that you two are not aligned in a way to be in a relation. My guess still is that she wanted to hear that your evening would be ruined without her, especially because of the earlier moments you have let her down.

 

I am afraid that we sometimes have to accept what life decided for us. Just to be sure, skip the drinking before you go out with a girl the next time. No one - both man and woman - find drunk people attractive.

 

And be kind to yourself tonight, plan something you like to do

[Satu]

I think you should give some thought to how you use alcohol and how you behave when you've been drinking. There's something problematic there.

 

This is what I think happens:

 

When you drink you behave in a not very nice way. She doesn't like it.

 

You try to buy her back with a meal and a nice day out.

 

Then you do it all over again and she doesn't like it.

 

Think about your alcohol usage.

 

Listen to this on youtube and read the lyrics:

 

 

Good luck.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Satu

[Chi townD]

Well, dude. You have to realize that you've tried to no avail to get her back and you keep getting the "we won't work out". You've been fighting for her but maybe you need to realize that she doesn't want to be fought for.

 

 

It seems that she's okay with just being friends, but that's not what you want (and she knows this). Then, how are you being fair to yourself?

 

 

Okay, so you weren't boyfriend of the year. Realize the mistakes that you've made and apply what you've learned as what not to do in your next relationship.

 

 

If she's not interested in entering a relationship with you this time, then why do you want to hang around where you're not wanted? Dude, there are tons of girls out there that would probably love to spend time with you. Apply what you've learned and go find them!

 

 

There's a saying my father always taught me, that if you treat the right girl with kindness, love and respect; then, you'll get that back from her and A LOT more!