bloomy Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Hi all, I am new to this forum and just looking for some general advice. I have been involved with this guy for almost a year. We began seeing each other as relationship potential but a 4 hour living distance put a huge strain on. Thus we decided on a no-strings arrangement. He would come to visit me and I would him other times. He lives away for college but when he came home, we would meet up for the holidays and have great fun. This was the case until about a month ago. He went extremely cold (we would text/call fairly regularly, most days). When I questioned him about it he admitted to me that he had started seeing someone who lives near to him. Although disappointed, I was ok and called off the arrangement. I took a huge step back and we didn't speak for about 2 weeks. But then he came back. He told me he was no longer seeing the girl because although he wanted commitment, she didn't want to commit to him - she just wanted non committal sex. So we began talking again and flirting as we had done before. The idea was in the air to meet up when he returned over Christmas holidays. Then last night it happened again. He went cold whenever the subject of meeting up or sexy talk came up. So again, and within my rights I feel, I asked him what had changed. His reply was that he still really liked the girl and wanted to see how it would turn out with her. I was a little bit miffed with him, I felt like he had kept me on the side lines as his back up girl in case things went wrong with this one, and even more annoyingly, I felt he wasn't being honest to either of us - that he pretended to me she was out the picture and he was keeping me in the loop for when he is back home. So I told him I was going to take a massive step back to allow him to work things out with his girl. The back-up idea was sort of confirmed when he replied "I don't know if it is unreasonable to ask, or say, but if nothing is sorted with her by the end of this week then I am just going to write her off and then I am definitely willing to meet". How do I react to this? I have thus far just ignored him, I don't think he is acting appropriately. Thanks all.
Danda Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 If he is telling the truth then he is being super appropriate, and you want to appreciate it, not condemn it. The two of you are friends who have casual NSA sex. He respects you and is comfortable with you as his friend, so he is actually telling you the truth even though he knows it might make you decide to stop sleeping with him instead of bull****ting you to keep multiple women feeling 'special' enough to sleep with him. Please oh please do not punish him for this level of honesty and integrity by getting angry. However if you are realizing that no-strings-attached is actually not comfortable for you, now that you have experienced what that is like when another woman comes into the arena, it is okay for you to be honest with yourself and with him and end things, if that is what you need to do. 4
PegNosePete Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 For a no-strings arrangement, it seems you have a lot of strings..... That is exactly what no strings means. You boink each other when it's convenient with no expectations or commitment or excuses. It seems like you're not happy with that arrangement, so it's probably not a good idea to keep doing it. If you want a more structured relationship then I'd suggest finding someone who is prepared to give that to you. This guy clearly isn't.
Author bloomy Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Thanks for your input both of you. @Danda, Would you suggest I continue the conversation? I don't want him to think I am angry with him but I thought I was doing him a huge favour by stepping back and let him figure out what's happening with the girl. If things don't work out I'd assume he'd contact again, but I don't want him to think I am being unreasonable. And yes @PegNosePete, we do have a friendship which I feel leads to more strings. We have opened up to each other about a lot of things in the past. We do care a lot for each other but couldn't pursue anything more than what we have right now.
Gloria25 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 You know, what is it with some people? If you two have a casual thing going on, then why would he come up with stories about the other chick? I think what he said doesn't make sense. If this new girl just wanted something casual, then why would he turn her down? Anywho, you two are long distance - regardless of what type of RL you two agreed on. Sooner or later someone was gonna find someone closer to them.
Author bloomy Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 @Gloria25 Sorry if what I said was misleading. Rereading it I can see where the confusion is. From what I gather they started to have sex with each other and feelings developed so he wanted more from her. She didn't want to commit though, so he told me (when he messaged me after the 3 weeks) that he was no longer seeing her and 'had nothing' from her because she didn't want to offer more. Not sure who's decision it was to stop the arrangement, I am guessing hers. I am guessing the situation with them has changed now though.
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