star crossed lovers...he's jewish & i'm catholic

[snowy82]

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hi, i'm new to this website and i joined mainly to vent and discuss my current situation. i've known this guy for 7 years...we've been attracted to each other and have kissed numerous times throughout those seven years but never became an official couple. about three years ago, we briefly dated and realized that we had so much in common (didn't realize as much the previous years) and we clicked so well. but he ran off after a couple of weeks and i never knew why. we stayed friends (we share the same group of friends) and we eventually started hooking up once in a while. and then about three months ago, we started becoming close again. he finally broke down and told me the reason why he ran away the last time was because he's jewish and i'm catholic. and we both have said that we know this won't go anywhere and that we will eventually stop this but for now its ok. i'm 22 and he's 23. i don't know what to do. i'm madly in love with him and i know hes in love with me too. when we're together, there's no one else we belong with. and i wouldn't need to convert to judaism because my mother's mother (my grandmother) is jewish and so technically i am of the jewish people as well. he knows that but i don't know if he thinks thats enough. i'm sorry if this paragraph is jumping all over the place, i'm just running out of tears. anyone have any help or suggestions?

[prisoner]

I have some experience with this.

 

I had a LTR with a practicing BUddhist who came from a long family tradition of Buddhism. It was tough but it was not the dealbreaker.

 

the questions i would tell you to ask yourself are: how catholic are you? are you practicing? when was your last confession? when did you last take the sacrament?

 

i would also ask: does he observe the Sabbath? is this about religion or culture? is this about families or the two of you? where do you stand on the christian attitude toward Judaism?

 

If it is really about religion then it can be addressed spritually. You can get counseling so that you can understand his perspective and really make your decision. Converting is a bold move but if it means true love then I think you will be hard pressed to find many people who would oppose you. you will not be able to hide that kind of love.

 

The problems start to appear when religion is the excuse. All due respect but what if you were to commit to conversion today?

 

would his position suddenly change? does he feel guilty? who else has he been seeing? has he waited for you all this time but still sees the forest instead of the trees?

 

love conquers all is corny but true.

 

and you can always just go to dinner and NOT talk about the heaviest of subjects and see each other over the fence instead of through it.

 

maybe he has to look beyond one thing that makes you who you are.there are a number of things that make us complex and strong people. religion can be a major factor but there is more. whether we like it or not.

 

my experience? it had noithing to do with Buddhism in the end. we had a lot more bridges to cross before we coul deal with that. and we did not make it. she is happily married now. to a catholic.

[RoxStar]

Is he very religious or spiritual? If not then it seems that there might be other reasons. Have you talked to him about trying to give it a go? If he just bailed and didnt tell you why in the past but you remained friends why does he think that hanging out with you now would be different then the last time? Just wondering. If you are truly interested in trying to have a relationship with him you need to know from the beginning if the religion is going to be an issue down the road.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I don't see what the huge problem is. Is he Hasidic (Orthodox)? If so, that might be a problem (unless you want to convert and really do it very seriously), but I don't see anything about that in your post, and if he's not Orthodox, converting probably isn't even necessary. As for your faith, if the relationship progresses to a point where you want to get married, you probably would not be able to do it in a Catholic church, but if you love him, you can probably live with that. Don't let organized religion stand in the way of true love. If you are serious about him, tell him how you feel, and remind him that you are part Jewish, but say that even if you weren't, you would still want to be with him (which based on what you said, I'm sure is the truth). Remind him that your two religions share many beliefs, including the Ten Commandments, and a belief in the Bible (you call it the Old Testament, he calls it the Torah), and tell him that you think it is silly to let something like what churches and/or synagogues you each went to growing up stand in the way of what you think could be something pretty great. If you are a regularly practicing Catholic, and you would have no problem going to his synagogue and exploring the Jewish faith, tell him that to, but only tell him that if you mean it, and if you can be true to yourself while doing so. If the holy trinity, the saints, and the Catholic faith are very central in your life, just leave that last sentence out. Jews and Christians get married all the time. It is very common, and often works out great. I have a couple Jewish friends who have been in LTRs with or married Christians, and there were issues, but nothing two intelligent people can't figure out. I am a Christian, but I have also dated people of other religions besides Christianity, and it was not a problem. There may be a few bumps along the way, but if you are "madly in love", it's worth going for anyway.

[Rick5478]

Jews and gentiles go together like toasters and bathwater. It's hip in this country to be jewish and that's why you choose to identify yourself as jewish. Having a jewish grandmother hardly qualifies. Based on that you could go back hundreds of years, find out that you had a jewish great great great great grandmother and say, "Well that makes me jewish." It's silly. You're catholic and you will NEVER truly be accpeted as a jew in the jewish community. You're going to marry this guy. He's going to force you to convert to judaism, and both sides of your families will resent you. It's not worth it. Can't you find a nice catholic boy to date instead?

[unsafe]

I fully understand where you are coming from. Its weird but I know where he is coming from. I was with a man for over 3 years. I was so madly in love with him. He was madly in love with me. We started to plan our lives together. Now we both have come to agreements that I would become jewish if that ever came up. And we would raise our children Jewish. What you do for love. Actually I love the religion. I think all religions are good to a point so I didn't care. I was LDS but it was to hard core for me. So I didn't really care much. He wasn't practicing it was more of a culture thing for him.

 

Anyway we had been together for about 2 and half years. (we had been friends for 8 years). we decided to move in together. About a month or two before the move he started getting weird. We ended up breakup and got back together many time with in the year. We came to the conclusion we loved each other and we didn't care we were going to do it. But in the end his family got to him. Even though I was going to convert it wasn't enough. They wanted a pure jewish girl for their boy and he is loyal to his family and its over.

 

Its very hard for me because I have never clicked with anyone like I click with him. But he feels pleasing his parents and finding that jewish girl is so important that he let me go.

 

Stay strong and figure out why it is he is pushing you away regarding the religion. Just be prepared. Religions are sticky. You should know you are catholic. if your Dad is strong believe I am sure he will have a hard time with you being with a jewish man.

 

Good luck and I hope your story ends better then mine.

[RecordProducer]

By Israeli law, you're Jewish too. You also have it in your genes. At least 25% of your ancestors belonged to this nation that suffered so much through the history. Read about the Jews. It's part fo you.

In the holocaust the European Christians tried to destroy all the Jews. As a result, some Jews would hide their origin, change names (often were forced to do so) and mixed with other nations, because they thought it's better to be alive than a dead Jew. It seems that you're denying your roots in your heart and accept the catholic religion as your only faith. I am personally an atheist (like everyone in both sides of my family) so I only talk about religion in historical terms which includes mentality, genes, moral values, etc.

Back to the point, if you are really in love you will surpass the problem.

Why wouldn't you convert to Judaism?

[RecordProducer]

Jesus Christ... Jesus was Jewish!!!

[KissMyTiara]

If your mother's mother was Jewish, you are too. The rule is that the child carries the blood of the mother. Therefore, you are a Jew, so all that would matter at this point is whether you are Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist.

 

You'll figure it out, if you want to and if HE wants to, too.

[snowy82]

thank you all for replying! well i only introduced the topic but here are my thoughts:

 

-i was raised catholic but by tradition only. haven't really been to church in like 8 years.

-i celebrate passover every year with my grandmother's family. i am close to my jewish cousins

-my uncle married a jewish girl and so his children celebrate jewish holidays as well

-by jewish law, i wouldn't need to convert. perhaps brush up on the laws and customs...take a few classes but i could technically be married by most rabbis.

-my parents are fully supportive of my decision. my mother even suggested a kosher christmas or decorating a hannukah bush and putting the gifts under it.

 

as for him, he keeps kosher but he drives on the weekends and sleeps in on saturday mornings. i don't know if he truly wants a jewish girl or he is just scared to approach his mother. a part of me feels like he just doesn't want to deal with this yet. he's 23 years old, still dependent on his family...and maybe he doesnt believe me when i tell him i'd convert. the problem is that he knows how much i love christmas and to be honest with you, i was really torn when i first thought that i couldn't have it anymore. he comes over every year for christmas eve and spends it with my family. so it is possible that he would keep it, but maybe he feels he shouldn't and so thats a big step for me to take as well.

 

some of you have addressed the fact about sacrificing so much and ending up resenting it in the end. my grandmother was jewish and i was raised catholic because when she married out of her faith, she was disowned for 20 years. she and her family finally reconciled but she told me it was a very tough thing to do but she had no other choice. she said she did what she did because she loved him and in the end, it would be him that she would spend her life with.

 

some of my friends have said if he really loved me, he wouldnt care what his parents said. i completely agree. i just don't think he is there just yet. i think three years ago, he got out of it before he could love me enough to not care. but i think the past couple of months have been bringing back the old feelings and are making the wall he has up a little shakier than he'd like. i would do it all for him. i would raise our children the way he would want us to. i would sacrifice that for him because i really do love him. is there a chance that i can get that wall to fall down so that he's ready to sacrifice his mother's (his father i don't think would care) approval for me? my mother thinks its just time. that the more time we spend to each other, the harder it will be for him to let go. what do you think?

[prisoner]

just ask him.

 

if he is your friend and you have this bond you can broach and be fine.

 

just talk to him. ask what you want to ask. if there is something other than religion in the way then you will know.

 

if it is religion then there seems to be alot on the table. you can find a way to make it work if it is love.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Don't worry too much about Christmas. Most of the jewish/christian couples I have known (which admittedly is only a few), celebrate BOTH! Both are very cool holidays, so you get Christmas AND Hanukkah. What could be better? Just think, you'll have to buy your kids twice as many presents.

[kanga]

It all depends so much of a priority and importance each of you place on your religion and background, and how much are you willing to adjust for each other. The second consideration is your family -- sometimes family's are very admanant that children not marry outside their religion/race/social status/etc. Would either of you be willing to continue your relationship if your family was strongly against?

 

I have Jewish friends who, even while not very observant or religion, won't even consider dating anyone not Jewish. I have other friends who could care less. It's a very individual choice. I, myself, as a raised Protestant, could care less. I seem to find myself involved with more of the nonreligious or nonpracticing types. There are plenty of success stories of interfaith couples who have integrated their customs into their family traditions.

[Girly Girl]

there is another thread on a similar topic, and i've made some points there, so take a look. i am jewish and my bf is catholic, so there are many similarities. but here are some of my thoughts of some of your posts as they have progressed:

 

-if he is kosher, my only thought is that day to day, his religion has a place in his life, and that means he may also feel it should play an active role in his family life, as he was brought up. it doesn't mean he'll reject you or his family would if you converted,b ut it might be a stronger connection than you beleive. i have many friends how are jewish

 

-as for if you are jewish or need to convert...if you were baptized in a cathoic church (and i'm guessing you were, judging by some of your posts), you are considered catholic and would need to convert to judaism and the whole process. it's similar to anyone who had a bar/bat mitzvah needing to be batpized in a churhc upont heir conversion. each is represnetative of the church/synnagogue admiting you a sa member of their faith by G-D and needs to be "adjusted"/"changed" to the religion you would like to become

 

-the whole Jesus being jewish is never a god argument to take with Jews...there is very minimal reference to this in any Jewish literature/teachings. Not saying it's not historically accurate, it's just referenced an entirely different way from the jewish side.

[snowy82]

yes, i know that judaism is important to him and plays an active role and i know for a fact that that is how he wants his children raised. i am a very traditionalperson and if that's how he would like things to be then i would have no problem following those traditions. like i said, i am catholic in ritual only. i believe in god but not so certain how i feel about the new testament. about converting- in the jewish law i've read that the jewish heritage is passed through the mother. my mother's mother is jewish and so she and her friends would tell me that i'm jewish as well. i'm not ignorant about the jewish faith and traditions. i was not raised with them, but i have been exposed enough to them. i've celebrated passover with my grandmother's family ever year since i can remember and although it is not much, it is a good stepping ground, i believe. this year, my grandmother is actually having the seder and i'm going to help her prepare everything. of course a part of me is doing this to show him that i am willing to take on those responsibilities, but the other part of me is doing it because it is a part of my family traditions.

 

i just don't know what exactly it is that is keeping him so distant. whenever i try to discuss it, he freaks out and gets upset with me. i don't know if its just his mother's disapproval that he fears or perhaps the own thought that if he were to start dating me, he would have to bring me home and deal with his mother's thoughts and concerns and at age 23 he's not ready. i'm sure if he brought home a catholic girl to meet his mother now, she would take it very seriously and treat the relationship as if it were going to result in marriage.

 

just what do i do in the meantime? he keeps telling me we shouldn't be spending all of our time together or saying i love you because its going to make it that much harder in the end. and whenever we have a really great night together, the next day he becomes distant and cool. he tells me that thats his way of keeping his feelings in check because it will make it hard to let go otherwise. do i keep doing what i'm doing and hope that it will eventually become too tough for him to consider letting go and he'll face his mother?

[syncopated]

you are making it very clear that he has more problems with being with you than he is willing to explain.

 

while there may very well be a problem with religion that needs to be reconciled (and can) but the fact that he is not willing to discuss

 

and debate without getting 'upset'is a sign that there is something he is not telling you.

 

perhaps it is his mother. maybe it is your religion. maybe there is someone else and he has not been forthright. if he is rationalizing his distance from you after you have been intimate then you have other things to discuss.

 

like why is he willing to have a physical relationship with you and not expand on that? does he feel guilt or shame and cannot get past those feelings?

 

is that all he wants? is that all you want? i can guess at some of the answers based on what you have written but it is important that you get the answers for yourself.

 

talk to him. he should be able to talk to you.