How long should I give It?

[I'mBatman]

Hello everyone! Not my first post here as I tried to give as much help as possible to anyone i saw where i felt i had experiences in before telling my story. This site was wonderful for me especially the no contact thread anyway here is my situation hope you can help! Sorry this is long!

 

We met in high school she 15 me 17. We spent a year of high school together and 2 more when i moved to university about 15 minutes away. So she graduates and comes to my same university and her parents get her a house in town. Things were going great between us. But after about 3 months into the year things really changed not only between us but with her. She met a new friend who would be considered a party girl who sleeps around. My ex started hanging out a lot with this girl. My ex never partied or drank but with this friend she started to alot. At about this time she was getting very stressed with school as well. I tried to be supportive but nothing really helped. She kept going out and being a totally different girl than i had known for 3 years.

 

About a month before she broke up with me things really changed. She started to become annoyed with the things that normally would make her laugh(tickling her, biting her neck playfully etc). We started growing distant. The sex also stopped for about 3 weeks prior mostly because i didn't feel like initiating. One day i got a text saying we needed to talk. I asked if she was going to break up. She said yes. I broke down and did the whole but i love you thing. I mention i had talked to my mom about marrying her and that i was going to during the summer. I said all this and that blah blah when i got to her house after class she said she didn't want to break up and that she needed space. I saw her driving to class one day and she looked sad to i bought her flowers. She texted me that night saying i love you and to come over. The night was short and ended with her starting to cry while i gave her a back massage(will make sense later). Couple days later she broke it off in person saying she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. She was curios what it would be like to be with someone else as she never has. She said she met someone and they clicked right away. I kept composer this time and said something like you gave up this for a guy you just met, how stupid of you and then left.

 

I asked her friend that night what they did and she said they kissed and had a couple sleepovers. I had the impression this was over one weekend. A. I called her that night and said i deserved better and she would regret giving up a diamond to pick up a rock. (saw that quote online!) few days later i wrote her a letter that accompanied all the things we ever shared together. The letter said im not mad and im really happy i got to spend 3 years with her and for her to be careful. I also said im deleting her from social media and moving on with my life.

 

I do all these amazing things for myself for the next 3 weeks, lose weight, gain an internship etc. I had a party and invited all her friends as they normally came to my parties b4 we broke up anyway. She turned up that night and bitched me out about making her feel left out. She told me i was a ****ty bf for 3 years and it hurt so i went home. She went to a party and got a drinking ticket and returned to my party only to find i wasn't there. She sobbed on my friends shoulder saying she was sorry for everything. I text her that night and say shes a terrible person. The next morning we make up and she says its nice to talk. I said i didnt want to be friends and left it at that.

 

two weeks go by and im at another party. I was heavily intoxicated, Im 21 so i can be , i ended up drunk calling her for reasons of what i thought were just sex but to be honest i just wanted to see her. I go home with her that night we cuddle and talk about what weve been up to. She says she didnt want to get back together. I was astonished about how indifferent i was about it. I said this didnt change anything between us and that i just wanted to see her. The next morning we had sex. I go to leave and she asks me if i was going to text her and i said no with a confused look on my face. I said if she wanted to talk she can text me. she does and we hang out that night. And the next and the next and the next...Our conversations soon switch from chit chat to her wanting me back. I let this go on for a couple days then i sat her down made her explaing everything. I decide to give her a second chance.

 

The next 3 weeks were so black and white. I loved being with her but the resentment over the cheating was eating at me. I kept telling her about it and she kept sobbing and saying i deserve better. I half-assed broke up with her once or twice but broke down and told her i could let her go. Also throughout this week i kept questioning what she did. I asked her friend and got a different story. I brought it up and made her admit to her lies. This cycle repeated about three times. Each time more truth came to the surface.

 

The day i broke up with her i sat down with her friend and got the total story. She was drunk and met some guy at a party. They talked and exchanged numbers. She want back the next day to another of his parties got drunk and made out with him and spent the night in his bed. She continued going to parties with him and on double dates with her and her friend. One night my ex the guy and her friend and another guy went back to my exes house. My ex ended up making out with him and he slept over in her bed. That was the last time she hung out with him and she dumped me a couple days after that. A few days after that i actually got her now exbestfriend to ask the guy she cheated on me with what they did. He said they made out and he fingered her and thats it. My ex had not even told her bestfriend about the fingering so i didnt know about this until having the guy explain. My ex later admitted to the fingering when she was confronted. So she lied about alot of stuff like how long she saw him and what they did.

 

My ex is no longer seeing this "bad influence" of a friend. Her behavior is very confusing. I made her give me her phone before this all happened and i ran software to recover and deleted data so i could read her texts. She was honestly a wreck the month she was cheating. She said she didnt know if she wanted to take a chance with this other guy and risk losing me or not. Mind you some texts were corrupted so i didnt get much but throughout the month she cheated she was very torn between what to decide. One day she said she would end it with me and the next him and that she loved me. Her emotions were all over the place. She mention things about how i didnt pay attention to her and that this boy was and she loved it. She didnt get attention from boys in highschool because it is a small school and the boys knew i would find out if they were talking to my girl. But in the end she ended it with him and me at the same time. I think she really thought she needed time to just be by herself.

 

Honestly i truly believe she feels so guilty about it that she didnt want to tell me and lose me. She is not someone to let a near stranger finger her as sexual acts mean alot to her. She has only done things with me and only after we were very serious and even then she said she didnt know if it was right. She even kept it from her best friend who sleep around. The look on her face when i made her tell me what she had done showed pure embarrassment and guilt.

 

What do you guys thinks. You think she made a really dumb decision to be naive and think this guy could be something. At one point she told her friend over text that she thinks she could one day see herself marrying him, mind you this was after a couple weeks..... Honestly she made A LOT of really bad decisions this entire time not including the cheating. She had a very ignorant outlook on alot of the things i read her talking about. It seems like it was possibly a phase but who can know for sure.

 

So where are we at now? Well i broke it off with her a couple days ago and said i really need to think about stuff and that i plan to move on. For the last couple days she has begged and pleaded, come over to my house to beg. She says i deserve better but cant let me go for her stupid decisions. She cries like ive never seen her cry before. She reached out to both my mother and sister whom i am very close with saying she was stupid and cant stand the fact she hurt me and is losing me over this. My mother and sister bothing know my ex very well said she was just being immature and naive. They know the entire story (including the fingering) and they say i should give her a chance and that she has changed. My ex keeps saying she is going to give me time and that she wants to wait for me. She says she will keep waiting for me to come back to her. She has given me all the power now.

 

I want to go back as i feel she has 95% of the qualities i wanted in a women some of which are a bit more rare. 100% before she cheated but i believe it was a one time thing. How long should i wait to really decide? I was thinking at LEAST till Christmas. Maybe till her birthday at the end of January?

 

Edit: Also one thing to add we never communicated. Over the three year relationship we had maybe one heated argument in person. We bottles stuff up forever. Neither of us knew how to communicate. Something that i believe has changed in both of us

Edited December 8, 2014 by I'mBatman

[lil hoodlum]

That was a lot of info to read.

 

So sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.

 

I think you are making some excuses for her bad behavior. It is on her to act the way that she did. True, maybe there were outside influences, but ultimately the choice was hers to make.

 

 

You stated that she is not the type of person to let a near stranger finger her, but she is that type of person.

 

 

 

I think you need to continue thinking long and hard about this.

[Maggie4]

Girls that age should shop around, but not cheat or go crazy drunk or promiscuous. College is a difficult time for many people because you suddenly have all this freedom and stimulus. I'm with your folks on this, give this another chance.

[deegee91]

It has not been long enough for any significant change to have happened in either of you. Just because you have learned that you should communicate better and she has learned not to cheat, doesn't mean you've changed. It just means you've learned something. Change takes time and practice. The reality is, as long as both of you are torn up about this, it will not work. She has to forgive herself and you have to forgive her. Without forgiveness on BOTH parts, there will be no trust in the relationship. Give this MUCH more time. More than a few months. Maybe a year or longer. Sit with it. Accept it. Let her accept it. If you still love each other after all the pain has settled, then SLOWLY give it another shot. For now, I'd say have very limited contact with her. Communicate to her that she is important to you but you both need to heal and move on. Don't just cut her out of your life coldly if you want things to be civil later.

[I'mBatman]

I would like to thank everyone for taking their time to read such a long post. I will take what all you have said into consideration. I must say tho i believe what she did was truly against her own personal beliefs. She was raised very religious and has a strong love for god and we only did anything sexually after a long time and talking about why we were going to to them etc. The fact her sisters or bestfriend,who sleeps around and was IN THE ROOM when it happened, never found out leads me to believe she honestly feels disgusted by her own actions. I certainly am not making excuses and she WANTED it to happen at the time, there is no doubting that. She did mention he later asked her if she wanted to go into another room and she refused. I've made a similar mistake by receiving oral sex from a girl after she stared unbuttoning my pants, albeit i was not with anyone. I certainly WANTED it to happen (who wouldnt?) but later I really regretted it and I hid it from my close friends until it went around school I have to really listen to my older sister(28 married w/ a child) and mother as they are both very grown and have much more life experience. They also personally have known my EX as she was very much apart of my family and still is. Honestly I think their opinion is what is really swaying me. I think I could much more easily walk away from this if it weren't for them, but watching both my mother and sister tear up and cry telling me she made is just young and made a lot of dumb decisions is hard to brush off. I will certainly wait but for me if it takes more than a few months before I cannot be without her I would certainly have moved on to someone new. I am very glad you mentioned the thing about forgiving her and her forgiving herself. I honestly feel i have already forgave her. I realized very soon forgiveness is the most freeing thing I could have given myself. Now on her side of the field I don't believe forgiveness will come for much longer especially if i never end up going back