23 & Giving Up?

[letitroll]

I’m beginning to think I’ll be single/not in a meaningful relationship forever. I’ve had one gf in the past, but it wasn’t serious and I had to move away. First off, a little background about me for some context: I am 23, not a virgin (I feel that is a valid qualifier here), on the taller side at 6’3”, white, clean shaven, and a fit 185lbs. I’ve got a slew of hobbies ranging from basketball to hunting. I graduated college at 20 and am back now to switch into the nursing field with another year of additional schooling. I had to move across most of the country to get to my new school, and the only people I know are within my cohort. I can’t say I know a single person outside of it. Going to bars and parties ain’t my thing. Although I’ve never been called boring or awkward in my life and I’m actually very passionate about a good number of things, I just never really initiate contact with anyone. I just… don’t. I’ve never been the approaching type and honestly I feel like I’m just becoming entirely content in my never going for what I want kind of ways. I don’t claim to ever be doing anything right, this is just how it has been. Sure, I’m in nursing school and there are tons of women there, naturally, but that also makes any kind of attempts of mine a bit higher stakes as I can’t just fade back into anonymity, plus, I think there’s something to be said that “you don’t ***** where you eat.”

 

All this being said I am admitting that I”m rather picky about who I would even consider myself attracted to, but there are some big pluses out there like women who are fit/love the gym like I do, who share similar ideological/political/philosophical beliefs, who enjoy outdoorsy things like hunting, hiking etc. Frankly what kills me is seeing how many people in general are completely oblivious to world events, and not just the things you see in the MSM.

 

I’ve had online dating profiles and experimented with various pictures, ways to word my profiles etc. and want to know how many dates I’ve gotten? GOOSE EGG. Regardless of how applicable and thought out my own first contact messages are, they’re seldom returned. This doesn’t seem to change if I’m messaging the most beautiful of women, down to those that some might consider less desirable. It seems that this isn’t an uncommon thing though. When I do get a conversation going it’s either one-sided or she falls off after a couple messages. I’ve gotten numbers, facebooks, etc, but nothing has ever come of them. Try and talk on FB? No response, then I wonder “why on Earth did I get her contact info if she has no desire of even talking?” In the event I attempt to arrange a meet, the can gets kicked down the road over and over and over and over. Again, if she isn’t serious about even meeting, why be on the site to being with? I’m just lost. So now I find myself in college again, plenty of women, but stuck in my own head not even thinking about how to talk to them. Perhaps out of fear of rejection, out of fear of being a nuisance, being “just another dude,” etc. I don’t like being bothered, and I’m sure others don’t either. I seriously think it would be better to just resign myself to staying single. To hell with my stereotypical youth when I should be dating, doing XYZ. I’m really believing it would just be easier that way.

 

So, am I right/wrong/crazy/other in any of this?

[Danda]

I can kind of relate. I tend to be an extremely deep thinker with a very high (but seemingly pointless) emotional investment in the fate of humanity and so on, which doesn't mean that I'm smarter or wiser than anyone else, but just that my mind tends to be a million miles away from everyone else all the time (or so it feels like).

 

It creates a sort of detached feeling. Like someone will be really excited about the recipe they are going to try out tomorrow, and I know how to give the impression that I am totally interested in what they are saying, but the truth is that I don't give a **** and my brain is a million miles away, wondering something like, if morality often puts us at a disadvantage, does that mean it's actually some kind of genetic fluke in nature? Why do only humans harbor the concept of morality? Are we special in some way that science can't yet explain, or are we just self-destructing flukes? Well I like to believe that it matters, that it's special and important, even if it's just insanity. But do I only want to believe that because I don't want to believe that I'm crazy? "Yeah I think those cupcakes will turn out great."

 

And so even when people come along who have a great 'checklist' of positive traits and whatnot, I never really feel connected or motivated, at least not from the beginning.

 

Maybe I'm a bit of a Schizoid or something, who knows. But I can relate to feeling stuck in your own head and not feeling much 'oomph' about trying to get to know people / date. Albeit mind might be more due to craziness, but I get the general feel.

 

However.

 

I have also found that if you give people enough time, you will sometimes find that they are deeper and more interesting than you initially ever would have suspected.

 

It's just that everyone assumes that their thoughts are rare, weird or special. Or something. And so we all stay quiet, assuming we are alone in this way.

 

My advice to you, is to start being brave enough to open up. Be brave enough to go first, and then see if someone opens up to you with that encouragement.

 

The type of connection you're looking for will not be apparent at first sight, or even a first date, probably. You will have to dig for it. Instead of coming up with a million and one excuses not to.

 

If you keep seeing women who meet some kind of 'checklist' (physically fit, same political views as you, have their **** together, like hiking, etc) but you feel no motivation to pursue them at all, it's probably because you're expecting some kind of instant special attraction that you can't feel until you take the time and effort to get to know them.

 

But you like hunting, though, right?

[LoverOfDance]

I'm 23 and have never been in a relationship. I'm like you in the sense that I don't like to be bothered either. I value my peace of mind more than anything, lol. And I also hardly ever initiate anything with anyone.

 

The problem with not making much of an effort to talk to ppl is that it causes you to have less friends and it also reduces your chances of finding a good gf/bf. I'm gonna work on trying to talk to ppl more, especially ppl who seem nice and approachable. I think you should too. I think that would help a lot :-)

[losangelena]

Well, as a lady of the ripe old age of 34, I implore you—do not give up! From the sounds of it, y'all are the types of people who need to get into relationships and breed. You seem smart and far from the bottom of the evolutionary totem pole.

 

That said. I'm becoming more and more convinced that your early 20s is not the time for deep relationships and settling down. You have YEARS to date and find someone. YEARS. If you're not feeling it right now, don't force it. I be you're the type that in five or six years, you'll have matured, grown into yourself, and be an even better catch. Plus, at that point you'll be dealing with a dating pool of more mature women who have a better idea what they want from life and a partner.

 

I didn't date hardly at all in my 20s. The relationships I did have were kinda lame. It wasn't until I hit my mid-30s that I decided to really try and find someone, but it's been different this time 'cause now I actually feel ready. I never felt ready before.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, just cool it. Don't be the 23 year old who gives up, for pete's sake. Just take it easy. This is not the time in life for a serious thing, unless you absolutely want a serious thing, but if that was the case, I don't think you'd been giving the notion of "giving up" any serious consideration.

[slizl]

Dude, you are 6'3, 185, white and male. You have every advantage in the world. You have won the genetic lottery. Sack up and stop being such a wimp for Christ sake.

[letitroll]

And that's why I'm so pathetic and am giving up. Didn't learn these things when I was fat in high school, so I won't learn them now. Around every corner is a big obstacle or problem.

[endlessabyss]

And that's why I'm so pathetic and am giving up. Didn't learn these things when I was fat in high school, so I won't learn them now. Around every corner is a big obstacle or problem.

 

 

I don't think you're pathetic, you're just a little bit more mature for your age.

 

 

You're frustrated right now, but you will find someone in the future.

 

 

Stop being so hard on yourself.

[endlessabyss]

Dude, you are 6'3, 185, white and male. You have every advantage in the world. You have won the genetic lottery. Sack up and stop being such a wimp for Christ sake.

 

 

Are you 12?

 

 

When you get a little older you start to realize that these physical attributes will only get you so far.

 

The mind is more important.

[endlessabyss]

I can kind of relate. I tend to be an extremely deep thinker with a very high (but seemingly pointless) emotional investment in the fate of humanity and so on, which doesn't mean that I'm smarter or wiser than anyone else, but just that my mind tends to be a million miles away from everyone else all the time (or so it feels like).

 

It creates a sort of detached feeling. Like someone will be really excited about the recipe they are going to try out tomorrow, and I know how to give the impression that I am totally interested in what they are saying, but the truth is that I don't give a **** and my brain is a million miles away, wondering something like, if morality often puts us at a disadvantage, does that mean it's actually some kind of genetic fluke in nature? Why do only humans harbor the concept of morality? Are we special in some way that science can't yet explain, or are we just self-destructing flukes? Well I like to believe that it matters, that it's special and important, even if it's just insanity. But do I only want to believe that because I don't want to believe that I'm crazy? "Yeah I think those cupcakes will turn out great."

 

 

At first I thought I wrote this lol.

[d0nnivain]

You are a college graduate. You are capable of learning & you can learn how to socialize. You also work in a people oriented field so you must possess the ability to interact with others.

 

 

Get involved in something that interests you & you will meet people through shared interests.

[mammasita]

Um, you're 23.

 

Still a child. I'm sure you hate hearing that but its the harsh truth. You're whole entire life is ahead of you. If I could be 23 again, OMG.

[JK79]

And that's why I'm so pathetic and am giving up. Didn't learn these things when I was fat in high school, so I won't learn them now. Around every corner is a big obstacle or problem.

 

Hmmm. I think your problem starts with you thinking you are pathetic.

 

Firstly, you seem to think you are different to the 'norm'. When it comes down to it - who is normal? What is normal? Everyone is different. Different people value different things.

 

From your description: 23,taller side at 6’3”, clean shaven, and a fit 185lbs, slew of hobbies, basketball to hunting, graduated college at 20,nursing field

 

So your tall, normal and have a career. Yep ... you definitely finished there ... no hope for you ... no one out there that would appreciate that OR maybe you need to start appreciating yourself first before you can possibly believe anyone else could. You cannot hide the type of negativity you seem to have for yourself - that is going to be the biggest problem you face.

 

You mentioned you were fat at school but not now? Sounds like you made some serious changes that probably took a hell of a lot of effort and will power. This is no different. If you don't like going to bars and parties, don't look there - if they like bars and parties they probably are not right for you.

 

Look at all your hobbies - join or go to as many events related to them as possible to not only increase chances of meeting someone like minded but you may be in a more confident place being in 'your' surroundings.

 

Reading 'I know how hard it is' from people can grate but I have found myself so low you feel like giving up but you can't - if you do, it is the only way to be classified a 'loser'. It doesn't matter how many rejections you get, if you are still out there trying then you are only ever one 'ask' away from being potentially happy - and that deserves respect. In a lot of ways, that puts you further ahead than those stuck in the 'wrong relationship' as tomorrow could really be the day that changes your life for the better. Give up ... you have 40 years of moaning about it to go!

 

When you finally meet someone amazing, which you can only do by keeping on trying, all the rejections and feeling silly or pain will seem worth it.

 

If you have any close female (or otherwise) friends, ask them to write your profile as an honest description of you - anyone that contacts or responds after your contact has better chance of being interested in you.

[letitroll]

Perhaps. Honestly I'm not seeing any positives anywhere. Maybe I should just join the Sexodus movement.