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Should men ask out a woman directly or be subtle?


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Posted

Which is better, just straight up asking "Can I take you out on a date?" or be more subtle and ask "I'd like to have some coffee with you sometime"?

Posted

Straight up is always best, in my opinion.

 

Your intentions are clear, and if she is interested, you will get bonus points for being brave.

 

If she's not interested in dating you, will know straight up and not waste your time.

 

Win-Win

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Posted
Straight up is always best, in my opinion.

 

Your intentions are clear, and if she is interested, you will get bonus points for being brave.

 

If she's not interested in dating you, will know straight up and not waste your time.

 

Win-Win

 

Alright then.

Posted

I think the woman needs to know it's a date.

 

There's so much ambiguity in dating to begin with. It does no one any favors if parties are confused from the outset.

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Posted

I think it depends on how much the woman likes him.

 

If he can tell right away she's interested, asking her directly could work. If he notices she might have some doubts, or isn't sure, it's best he plays it more casually and eases her into saying yes.

Posted
I think it depends on how much the woman likes him.

 

If he can tell right away she's interested, asking her directly could work. If he notices she might have some doubts, or isn't sure, it's best he plays it more casually and eases her into saying yes.

 

No, never. Don't waste your time or hers. Be a man. Be direct. She has doubts, move on.

Posted

Be direct. If it fails.

 

Then be subtle.

 

:p

  • Like 1
Posted
Which is better, just straight up asking "Can I take you out on a date?" or be more subtle and ask "I'd like to have some coffee with you sometime"?

 

If the woman likes you then either might work. The thing missing from the first option is telling her what the date might involve - you could combine the two options into something that both describes the activity/event you're inviting her to as well as making it clear that it's a date.

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Posted

In a very convoluted and bizarre way, I got the best advice of my life from this redneck.

 

He was dating my sister, and I was talking about this girl that I liked. He says to me, just whip your dick out. I look at him, what? And giggle and brush it off. He says to me, no seriously, just whip your dick out. She's either gonna suck it, or get mad at you and leave. Either way, you stop wasting your ****ing time.

 

Now, if we class it up and unredneck it, the message is pretty accurate and true. Just tell her how you feel and she'll say no or she'll say yes. You either get what you want, or you at least stop wasting your time.

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Posted

i also agree with the direct approach theres no ambiguity no confusion or what ifs just a straight answer yes or no......both parties know where they stand and you move on from that either on a date or not....lol....i like somedudes response though gotta give it for persistence on a no response...........deb

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Posted

Agreed with those who say that direct is best.

 

However, don't say something like "Would you like to go out on a date with me?" That just sounds cheesy and like something an awkward nervous high school freshman would say.

 

"Would you like to grab lunch this Saturday?" is better and it's generally how many guys phrase it. Do that after spending a little time making casual small talk with her, paying attention to her cues. (Substitute "lunch" with whatever your date idea is.) Still direct and clear that it's a date, shows that you're a man with a plan in terms of both venue and time...and at the same time it's also casual, respectful and non-aggressive. It also comes across much more natural and fitting. If she's interested in you and just can't make that date, then this phrasing gives her the opening to immediately suggest a different time.

 

Keep in mind though that if she doesn't like you, then she's almost surely going to turn you down no matter what you do. The point of asking her out directly is NOT to try and "win points" with her (although it's true that many women dig directness)...it's simply to remove any ambiguity and vagueness from the equation. She will know where you stand...no mixed signals.

 

It's pretty simple. Don't overthink it.

 

A guy (usually an experienced one) who pays attention can often get a good idea of whether she'll say yes or no before he even asks her out. She was voluntarily and involuntarily giving verbal and nonverbal signals that steered the vibe of their interaction, and he correctly recognized the signals. That is why guys like that don't get turned down very often.

Posted

Be direct!!!!!!

 

If she likes you she'll appreciate your directness. If she doesn't? You move on to a woman who does.

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Posted

Being subtle is for betas and a 100% chance of getting shot down.

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Posted

Let's flip this and ask if a woman should ask a guy out, and if so, directly (mention that it is a date) or casually, like the first-meet-at-a-coffehouse-thing? I feel like the coffeehouse avenue is a safe way to meet people we don't really know to see if we want to go out on a date with them. Though I don't honestly see the difference between coffee and a date, except maybe who pays for what? Or is that another bag o' worms, for another thread?

 

Another part of this question could be, where/when is it appropriate to approach people you are interested in, and does directness differ by situation? I gave a guy my number in the grocery store, because he was cute and buying the same brand of almond milk I was. So it was a point of commonality, and why not? So was that too 'forward'? Not just for a woman, but for anybody?

Posted
Agreed with those who say that direct is best.

 

 

"Would you like to grab lunch this Saturday?" is better

 

 

Absolutely not. This is ambiguous.

 

I've referenced this a few times before, but really:

Met a girl, asked for number. Asked her direct to have dinner with me. Paid for said dinner. We grabbed a coffee afterwards. Went for 6 hours.

I asked if I could make her dinner, she came over, made her dinner, drank 2 bottles of wine, talked for 6 hours.

She seemed to send mixed signals, told her she was beautiful and I was interested and wanted to take her on a date. She looked surprised, told her I thought it was obvious, she said no, it wasn't and that she didn't want to go on a date with me.

 

SO, it is better to make your damn intentions clear. Or if you do "grab lunch", then you make it clear with a kiss attempt if things feel right, or at least tell her she is beautiful and "thanks for the date"... and see what her response it.

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Posted

Like men - women are not mind readers...

 

Be direct or we just think you are being friendly or at worse a pervert...

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Posted
I am subtle when asking a woman out 90% of the time and I very rarely get shot down. I almost never ask a woman on a date, I just see if she wants to get together. It doesn't need to be a "date."

 

I agree, most of the time I start out here, but this leads to the whole ambiguity of what her intentions are. Does she like me? Does she just want to be friends? I usually start out here, flirt a little bit, and then if I get mixed signals, I just totally go direct mode.

Posted
Absolutely not. This is ambiguous.

 

I've referenced this a few times before, but really:

Met a girl, asked for number. Asked her direct to have dinner with me. Paid for said dinner. We grabbed a coffee afterwards. Went for 6 hours.

I asked if I could make her dinner, she came over, made her dinner, drank 2 bottles of wine, talked for 6 hours.

 

How come you didn't make her breakfast?

 

That sounds like a completely blown opportunity.

  • Like 3
Posted
Agreed with those who say that direct is best.

 

However, don't say something like "Would you like to go out on a date with me?" That just sounds cheesy and like something an awkward nervous high school freshman would say.

 

"Would you like to grab lunch this Saturday?" is better and it's generally how many guys phrase it. Do that after spending a little time making casual small talk with her, paying attention to her cues. (Substitute "lunch" with whatever your date idea is.) Still direct and clear that it's a date, shows that you're a man with a plan in terms of both venue and time...and at the same time it's also casual, respectful and non-aggressive. It also comes across much more natural and fitting. If she's interested in you and just can't make that date, then this phrasing gives her the opening to immediately suggest a different time.

 

Keep in mind though that if she doesn't like you, then she's almost surely going to turn you down no matter what you do. The point of asking her out directly is NOT to try and "win points" with her (although it's true that many women dig directness)...it's simply to remove any ambiguity and vagueness from the equation. She will know where you stand...no mixed signals.

 

It's pretty simple. Don't overthink it.

 

A guy (usually an experienced one) who pays attention can often get a good idea of whether she'll say yes or no before he even asks her out. She was voluntarily and involuntarily giving verbal and nonverbal signals that steered the vibe of their interaction, and he correctly recognized the signals. That is why guys like that don't get turned down very often.

 

Yes.

 

Both of the OP's proposed options are fine I guess, but neither one actually asks the person out. It’s important to ask for a specific day, time and place or all you have is the hope or expectation that there might be a date some day.

Posted
Which is better, just straight up asking "Can I take you out on a date?" or be more subtle and ask "I'd like to have some coffee with you sometime"?

 

Be direct, don't pussyfoot around it. When asking, make sure the word "date" is included in the question, so the woman knows you have romantic intentions. Leaves no ambiguity. If the woman is uncertain, feels pressured, or anything else aside from her saying "Yes" to your request to join you for a date, she is not interested and you are wasting your time. Same advice goes for the brave women that ask men out.

 

 

Being subtle is for betas and a 100% chance of getting shot down.

 

Oh goodie. Can't have a thread without someone chiming in about being an alpha or beta male.

 

 

Let's flip this and ask if a woman should ask a guy out, and if so, directly (mention that it is a date) or casually, like the first-meet-at-a-coffehouse-thing? I feel like the coffeehouse avenue is a safe way to meet people we don't really know to see if we want to go out on a date with them. Though I don't honestly see the difference between coffee and a date, except maybe who pays for what? Or is that another bag o' worms, for another thread?

 

Another part of this question could be, where/when is it appropriate to approach people you are interested in, and does directness differ by situation? I gave a guy my number in the grocery store, because he was cute and buying the same brand of almond milk I was. So it was a point of commonality, and why not? So was that too 'forward'? Not just for a woman, but for anybody?

 

I personally like the direct approach, but I understand many women have a hard time with being direct lest they get rejected. I've been asked out for drinks by women, and took it as a hint of interest, only to realize they weren't really that interested in the first place. So there was a lot of ambiguity. I could of exuded the "friendly, nonchalant" attitude, but then I would be stuck wondering how do I proceed, since I was interested. Hence I stuck to clarity, expressed interest, and quickly learned the women weren't interested in anything romantic with me. But many women will still use subtlety, as a means of protecting their pride, because they can easily argue "That's not what I meant when I asked if you wanted to get coffee sometime". My recommendation, is be direct, because no one is a mind reader, and to avoid any confusion and awkward interaction.

 

Concerning where to approach people, that answer is anywhere. If there is interest between two people, asking the person out on a date can happen in a grocery store, coffee shop, school, work, train station, bus stop, at sea, on top of a mountain, and so on. There are no rules in dating. Concerning your situation, it was not forward at all. There was nothing wrong with hitting on someone in the almond milk section.

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Posted

Be direct and don't temper your sincerity. If the two of you actually click, being direct with communication from the get go will make things much easier. You can be direct without seeming pushy or what have you.

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Posted

I always find myself perplexed by some of the questions being asked on here as if it is that simple, and then some of the answers that follow...because if I didn't know better for myself, and tried to follow the advice on here without understanding the context and just make it this like "simple" thing, I know I'd be doing a lot of things wrong...I would likely be completely confused at why I couldn't succeed with women, when I am doing EXACTLY what people are saying I should do.

 

So here's the thing; it depends on the situation.

 

You cannot simply have this one scheme or plan that you walk around with, and always be successful with it...you have to be flexible, you have to be dynamic, sometimes the situation is just there and presents itself and you need to act, in the moment, not think...other times you need to "feel out" the person you are interested in, and also take into consideration the environment you are in...so if that isn't an appropriate time or situation, then listen to yourself and take the action you feel is best...you've got to be in-tune with these elements, because often times your gut will tell you spontaneously what you should do, and if it fails then you learn from it or just take it as a miss.

 

While I'm not on the "everyone is an individual and unique" wagon where nothing can be applied to someone else because everyone is so "different"...which makes absolutely no sense because the world wouldn't go round, marketers wouldn't even sell products and it obviously works on the masses...the more important thing to learn is what is working for you and what is not...

 

Because what works for me, may not work for you, I have a "different" personality from typical and if I tried to be or act like some other guy, I wouldn't be taking advantage of my qualities and what I have going for me and I definitely couldn't teach you how to be the spitting image of myself...although to a degree offer advice and insight to make you more successful, but even then I don't consider myself a "pro" at picking up women, there are much more die-hard men who are consumed with that then I'll ever be.

 

So is a situation generally better or worse for being direct or subtle?

 

A direct approach might be best if you've established some kind of rapport; like actually broke the ice.

 

OLD, it's going to do you better to be "direct" with women as many are looking for Romeo to come sweep them off their feet or getting their whole white-picket fence dream in the works and cannot spare another day with the "wrong men", that they always seem to get involved with that waste their time at the end of the day...shocker...Because I wonder what type of men tend to be the "direct ones" and aggressive/confident enough to do so...hmm.

 

But in an office setting, or in a social setting it's best to build a rapport first and have some kind of chemistry and romantic interest established...unless you're just slick as ice and know how to be confident and handle yourself well on the spot, with a pocket full of wit and charm to back you up.

 

What I don't get about sometimes on here, is how people are just completely unaware of any "chemical" or romantic interest...which I can only attribute to a lack of experience and familiarity with different personalities, an inability to "read" or distinguish certain behavior from the opposite sex or even people for that matter, and need the validation or reciprocation in order to make a move when with some people you need to make a move first in order to find out...because for myself, I can nearly almost always tell (assuming I'm also very keen/interested myself) if the women will also be interested, it's like an instinct...very very little has to occur.

 

Now if I'm not paying attention or I've just already assumed that woman isn't interested...then yes it might go way over my head because I'm not even checking my radar for anything romantic. I've had my share of women who were interested in me and I was just "hanging out with" after they have told me they weren't interested in dating anyone right now, just got out of a bad relationship and still recovering or whatever the excuse may be, at the time I took at it "I'm not interested in you" or at least not right now...only to have them ask me a few days later "So why haven't you tried to kiss me yet?" :confused: I was actually trying to get "friendzoned", as I get tired of the romantic drama and woes myself...sometimes it's just nice to be able to spend time with a woman without having to worry about "feelings".

 

So my advice is, learn to communicate with women, learn to gauge their interest by paying attention and through experience, and be direct when you feel the moment/time has come to be direct. But I wouldn't suggest leading with this directness...it reminds of those guys on the streets "YO WHATS UP BABY, YOU WANNA GO OUT ON A DATE...C'MON DON'T BE A STUCK UP BITCH, IM JUS TRYIN TO GET YO DIGITS...OH OK..KEEP WALKIN, I GUESS YOU'RE JUST TOO GOOD FOR ME THEN, I SEE HOW IT IS"

 

Use your common sense and if you don't have any get some by learning yourself and what works for you, and don't be a pussy, make a move when the "gut feeling" feels right...take a risk at getting shot down.

 

Too many guys linger and linger because they're afraid of rejection...trust me, she's not the only woman you'll ever see, she's definitely not the only woman who's opinion matters or is she necessarily even confident in herself, nor do you even know if she's even worth your time, she could be nothing of what you expected her to be. It's happened to be plenty of times, where the woman I was attracted to physically maybe even very much so initially, but then she opened her mouth and started talking and it was over, attraction was there at first but the personality was no way...therefore attraction gone, I just want to get away from her at that point.

 

And if women claim to be "direct" and they ask guys to be, then they're likely full of sh**...women are just as horrible of communicators as men can be, if not even worse...a guy will make some obvious gestures that reveal his true feelings, as they get over it real quick and can't put up a front for long...women on the other hand can suppress a whole lot of emotions from you and hold it inside because they're afraid of whatever it is, like confrontation and being unable to manage it.

Posted
Let's flip this and ask if a woman should ask a guy out, and if so, directly (mention that it is a date) or casually, like the first-meet-at-a-coffehouse-thing? I feel like the coffeehouse avenue is a safe way to meet people we don't really know to see if we want to go out on a date with them. Though I don't honestly see the difference between coffee and a date, except maybe who pays for what? Or is that another bag o' worms, for another thread?

 

Another part of this question could be, where/when is it appropriate to approach people you are interested in, and does directness differ by situation? I gave a guy my number in the grocery store, because he was cute and buying the same brand of almond milk I was. So it was a point of commonality, and why not? So was that too 'forward'? Not just for a woman, but for anybody?

 

 

i normally dont do the asking but when i do i make it clear my intentions.....i tell them i like you more than a friend and then i would ask to spend time to get to know each other.....which to me is being direct and the guys i have dated ....have always made it specifically clear it is a date.....

 

if a guy asked fro my number in a grocery store i would follow my intuition i have given my number out before.....i havent been the one to offer it.....i dotn think its bad ....i think its brave to step up without knowing someone really well......the guy i asked...i didnt know him that well.....but i knew i wanted to he has that something that captured my attention....so i did it.....it probably was too forward for him......but i was true to how i felt no matter how awkward and new it felt for me.i wanted to get to know the heart of him....i felt that connection...a pretty strong one.....still do....deb......

Posted (edited)

I prefer straight forward but that doesn't necessarily mean that a man has to say "Can I take you on a date?"

 

It depends on the situation I guess, usually if it's a man I know in some type of social context, like school, the approach will be more tentative than if I meet the guy out and about then it's usually clear (since we don't know each other) that he's interested in getting to know me with romantic interest in mind or of course with OLD it's obvious. However, coffee for me always feels very casual and friendly and I've been asked to coffee before and am always kind of uncertain about what it means. For me coffee is usually something platonic or at best ambiguous and requires some follow up or direct action during the coffee meet up or after. I went to coffee once with a guy I knew from school and I couldn't tell if he liked me or not. I meet up with classmates and random school mates all the time for coffee to discuss our work or just chat and this seemed a lot like that. I just concluded he did not like me (although I kept thinking hmmm, we're not super close so why did he ask to go out to coffee alone with me?)... I brushed it off though. We had coffee, talked for about hours and went our separate ways and I was like whatever. He asked me to do something else again in a group setting a few other times and I pretty much took it as friendship and moved on. Later he confessed he liked me, by asking me in some round about way about "friendships" and approaching a woman for dating and then finally admitted he had liked me :rolleyes:. For me, that's lame. Even if you ask me for coffee...flirt with me...ask me to dinner or a concert later...do other things to make it clear you see me romantically. That to me is what I mean by straightforward. Nothing he did made it clear he liked me as more than a friend.

 

Asking me to coffee but you don't really flirt with me, then you invite me to group things, but not anything alone etc...it just makes me confused and being the person I am, I don't spend time reading into a man's actions early on. If I can't tell if you like me for sure I simply assume you don't and then treat you like a friend. So if you want me to realize it's more...do more. After coffee, say you had a good time and ask if I'd want to do something else, flirt with me, do little things like that that makes it clear it's not a strictly platonic and friendly thing.

Edited by MissBee
Posted
I am subtle when asking a woman out 90% of the time and I very rarely get shot down. I almost never ask a woman on a date, I just see if she wants to get together. It doesn't need to be a "date."

 

And there is nothing 'wrong' with your approach in itself, but it has way more possibility of going wrong on down the road.

 

The woman will be guessing as to your intentions, and believe it or not, most women are not the game-playing masterminds that some men make us out to be.

 

Many of are insecure and clueless. We will come up with 99 reasons as to why a guy probably isn't really interested in us 'that way' and only 1 reason as to why maybe he is.

 

It's just like you will see a lot of jaded/cynical women talking about how most men are playahz followed by 30 threads from guys confessing they turn into angsty morons when they try to talk to a woman they like.

 

It seems like there is a common (maybe natural?) tendency when we feel unsure/insecure to assume that the other person therefore must have some kind of masterful intuition and game plan that far surpasses our own capability, but I think more often than not flirting and the like boils down to 2 nervous, clueless people struggling together to get through a full conversation lol.

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