ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I don't want to love her anymore. I'm not angry at her, I don't hate her, I just don't want to love her. My life would be infinitely easier if I didn't. I'm doing this to myself. What am I clinging to? She has moved on...she needs me to, it would be better for our child if I did. My family all thinks I'm too good for her. Her family wished it would have worked but even they think I should have moved on. I'm standing alone holding the tattered shredded mass of our love in my hands and I'm not willing to put it on the ground and walk away. Why am I doing this to myself?
eye of the storm Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 You are not holding on to her. You are clinging desperately to what you thought she was and to what you wanted your relationship with her to be. Once you start to realize that. It is easier to let go. I was told that I was holding on to two ropes, one tied to an anchor and one tied to a floating balloon. As long as I held onto both, I was trapped, suspended but unable to move. I had to chose. I let go of the anchor and was able to move on and improve my life. Focus on you, focus on learning to co-parent with her, focus on your child. You have great things waiting for you. Don't be afraid to go out and find them
DenverDude Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 It is just so hard to stop loving someone that you truly cared for. I know the exact pain you are feeling right now and it sucks. You are doing this to yourself because you just can't fall out of love with someone at the flip of a switch. You also have a hugh heart. Don't beat yourself up over it though. Embrace this pain you are feeling. Scream, cry, vent on here, etc etc. It will help.
Cherrybreeze Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I don't know how HELPFUL it is, but....that's where I am now. Overlooking all the flaws and wanting the good things back. I know all conventional logic points to NC, and not for him but for me, but it is SO hard and it comes out of nowhere. I love him. I wish he realized that. I hurt him, but now how he thinks. I was trying not to but wasn't sure how, and my immobility caused him to hurt anyway. I don't know how to get past that yet, so you are in my thoughts.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 It is difficult. The anchor balloon analogy is absolutely correct so thanks for that storm. She has shown me who she is. Her actions are indisputable. She is in the early phase of a new relationship and that phase was the happiest time of my life, without question. When I met her I knew instantly she would be a part of my life and falling in love with her was the easiest thing I've ever done. Now look at us...we can't even have a conversation without her breaking down in anger. She didn't pick up the kid tonight like she was supposed to. Too busy out with the new guy. Second time that has happened this week. The same week she said I'm not the co parent our kid deserves. She's shown me who she is, and it is certainly not who I thought. Cherry and Denver it is certainly helpful to know others are there. It's amazing how we are all unique but the suffer from the same human condition.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 I also struggle because I haven't had many long term significant relationships. Spent most of my glory years in college and post-college single. I was too used to being single before this most recent relationship, too stuck in my ways and too rigid. I've been in therapy to heal and learn about myself. I know my mistakes and know myself so much better. She obviously has to do the same before anything meaningful can ever happen, but knowing what I know now, I know it could work. The things I wanted, the time I spent pouting in the relationship, it all truly didnt matter. I was yearning for an old life where I wasn't happy and sabotaging all the things I knew I wanted and had, a woman that loved me, a family. Seems like such a waste to learn all of this and, knowing that she was the inciting factor in all of this change, and she won't benefit from it. In a lot of ways she saved my life because without her I wouldn't have my kid and I wouldn't be this better man today. I'm eternally grateful but so deeply sad that it took losing her to change. I'm a better person now, better equipped to be a father and so regretful that she won't be able to share in it. I've been in therapy to heal the wounds from my childhood and who knows how long it would have taken to do that without her. Being single for so long it is just hard to trust in the future when you've had a lifetime of experience that says women like her don't enter into a life very often. Logically I know it only has to happen once more but I waited more than a decade to meet her and I don't want to wait another decade or more to have it happen again. Logically I know that I love her and want her partly because she is "safe" and a known quantity, but damn if I don't know we could be a happy family. She doesn't know of all this change I've gone through, not really, and it is just shame. I'm happy with the progress I've made, and made great strides to forgive myself, to admit that she was part of the problem and it wasn't all me. I just look back and it seems like a lot of the issues started with me and her flaws only flared when I drew first blood. Reading back what I've just written I need to hop off the "what if" bus and get ready to face tomorrow.
NopeNah Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Women 'like her'' enter your life on a daily basis,if you allow them to and are in a position in life both body/mind and financially stable..last ones just depending one the female of the day..They shouldn't really know your finances.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Women 'like her'' enter your life on a daily basis,if you allow them to and are in a position in life both body/mind and financially stable..last ones just depending one the female of the day..They shouldn't really know your finances. I appreciate the perspective but to me that kind of minimizes the true connection that can develop between two people. I don't necessarily think there is only one person meant for us, and should that relationship fail, we are doomed to loneliness but I can't go so far as to believe you can meet a kindred spirit, a true partner on a daily basis. But again I appreciate the additional perspective.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 She's really moving on. I Wouldn't fit in with her life now even if she was inclined and motivated to make it work. Which she isn't. Having me back would completely change her day to day life. I think for the better but she disagrees obviously. Should be motivation to let go of all hope. I'm just not there yet. I still hope. Maybe for a Christmas miracle, or any kind of miracle to bring my family back together. When you know you are desperate for a miracle as the only chance you have, you have to detach. But I'm just not there. I want this so badly, for a chance to atone and get it right.
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