beautifulinside2 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I have been dating a guy for 3 months. We have sex every time we see each other which is 4 times a week at least. I'm 37 and he is 52. At first, I thought it would slow down but it's pretty consistent even though I have brought this up to him. I have met his entire family over Thanksgivings and have met his friends on several occasions so it dismissed my first thoughts of him just using me for sex. I believe he is taking Cialis but we haven't discussed it. I enjoy having sex with him, and I am falling in love with him, but I'm exhausted. I feel like I have to stay at home to avoid having sex with him.
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Good lord you are 37 years old, old enough to openly talk about sex to your partner, and be able to communicate things like "the sex is becoming too much for me, can we slow it down a bit?" Stop avoiding issues or you will never have a healthy relationship. 5
newmoon Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 it's 3 months in, this is the 'honeymoon' phase of your relationship, and if you can't hang with it now that doesn't bode well for the future, whether he's on a pill or not. how much he wants and how much you want obviously differ. it doesn't sound promising. you have a guy hot for you and you want to claim exhaustion and hide out in your house? do what you want, but don't come crying back on the boards when you lose your bf to a 20-something with a higher libido. 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) Yes, I told him this and he slows down to once a day instead of twice but it's still too much. I have been reading threads posted by men concerned that their gf's sex drive doesn't match theirs and break up over it. I don't want to lose him over this. He treats me wonderful and caters to me. I'm also very attracted to him so that's not it. I please him whenever he wants because I don't want to lose him. Edited December 8, 2014 by beautifulinside2
newmoon Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 He treats me wonderful and caters to me.... he's treating you nice b/c you are having sex w/him and things are humming along. change the sexual dynamic and watch the behavior change too. good luck. 3
somedude81 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 What's so tiring about having sex with him? Once a day isn't a lot and you shouldn't be exausted. Does he last a really long time? 1
deathandtaxes Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I please him whenever he wants because I don't want to lose him. Here's the problem.... 3
Ebelskiver Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 It seems like he has a very healthy sexual appetite for sure. Ignore the guy above that said you should put out EVERY DAMN DAY. Jeez, it's not for everyone. You're both adults. You should be able to discuss this with your partner. Wouldn't it be funny if he's dosing himself with Cialis because he thinks he needs to keep up with you! Try to find a mutually agreed upon amount. Also, there are other things besides intercourse that can qualify as intimate but won't be as tiring. Once you start subverting your desires to hang on to someone else, things usually go downhill. 2
maysj18 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Is this normal for you (your energy levels, etc)? Does he last really long? ED drugs usually do cause men to last much longer than normal, which unfortunately isn't a great thing all the time. I don't know why everyone is being so hateful about this- it's a pretty normal question to me. 4x a week is the higher end of "normal", I would say so I understand why you're tired. It's also fair to say that he would want it more if you all spent more time together- imagine living together. Granted, it may just be the honeymoon phase so his sex drive is extremely high, but it's worth asking him. What sort of schedule do you like? Ask him the same question. What happens if you say "Let's just watch a movie or something" when he starts getting hot and heavy with you? Does he get angry? If not, that's a good sign that it could work out and you all just need to learn about each other some more. Another thing to think about is that he probably takes those pills in advance because they take a little while to kick in. Once they do, he has a rager and there's nothing he can do about it. He may feel very uncomfortable with the fact he can't get hard without them, so he takes them ahead of time to avoid any embarrassment. See what I'm getting at? Maybe once he gets more comfortable with you and opens up about that, you all can decide together when you want to have sex.
Brooke02 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I agree with a few people on here, everytime you see him can be much. If your seeing him 4 times a week some days must be work days for you & your tired. You Just need to talk to him. Its nice to get to know someone without having to be intimate everytime you see them, sometimes you just want their company. Sex is a big part of a relationship but its not the whole relationship. 2
Author beautifulinside2 Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Usually we see each other 4-5 days a week and we have sex twice a day. I believe it's because he can't ejaculate on the first time so he has to wait until the drug wears down some usually the following early morning. Therefore it's sex in the morning before work and after Wed, Thursday Fri and then Saturday, Sunday, and Monday mornings before I go home. I spend Monday and Tuesday at home before it starts all over again. He goes until he gets tired at night and then ejaculates the next morning. Same cycle different days. We do a lot together bowling leagues, friends, sports, family, and vacations. I just need a break sometimes. I was hoping that at some point he would feel comfortable talking to me about Cialis but he hasn't brought it up and I don't want to embarrass him by starting that conversation. This may seem crazy but he was married for 27 years and his ex wife didn't have sex with him a lot and she cheated on him. He has been divorced for 2 years, I'm wondering if some of this is psychological for him. When I told him it was too much he said he would slow it down but hasn't. He never gets angry with me, he is very passive aggressive.
maysj18 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Ruh-roh. I hate passive aggressive people. You need to get to the bottom of that first and foremost. And yeah, I don't blame you for being tired- I am NOT a morning person, so knowing I was expected to have sex every morning would make me dread it. I wouldn't be very happy in your shoes either.
Veb Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 When I told him it was too much he said he would slow it down but hasn't. He never gets angry with me, he is very passive aggressive. Those are serious issues! You told him you wanted less sex, but he did not keep his word. A healthy relationship needs to be negotiated between the two partners. You are not his sex toy!! He is passive-aggressive? Can you give some examples? That is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Can you talk to a counselor, therapist? You need to be heard in a relationship. Your opinions, taste, preferences in how you would like to live, have sex, eat etc, need to be taken into account by a loving partner. You are an equal, not an object to use! 2
FitChick Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Look for a class you can take during the week so you will be too busy to see him. Tell him you are working on an important project at work and need your sleep so you need to be alone. Cut back to 3x per week. Tell him to masturbate and watch porn. Just lie there and keep asking him if he's done yet. Slip a sleeping pill into his evening drink.
TheyCallMeOx Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Look for a class you can take during the week so you will be too busy to see him. Tell him you are working on an important project at work and need your sleep so you need to be alone. Cut back to 3x per week. Tell him to masturbate and watch porn. Just lie there and keep asking him if he's done yet. Slip a sleeping pill into his evening drink. I'm pretty sure you're joking, most of those are funny, but I cannot stress enough how bad it would be to just "lie there and keep asking him if he's done yet." That is bad. VERY bad. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Aside from that, this is merely a communication issue. If he feels that he cannot function throughout the day without having sex on numerous occasions, then what he may be suffering from is a sex addiction. It can be a real thing for some people. Sex once a day is really nice; more than that is just more icing on the cake. I'd be happy with getting sex once a week; one a day would be, needless to say, the absolute best thing. I can have sex 4-5 times in a day, but I, too, would get tired at some point. Not to mention but it ruins the spontaneity and with long-term relationship, **** like that matters. The excessive sex is already taking a toll on the relationship, and it's all a matter of time before it starts breaking down until it ends completely. If he doesn't slow down and/or deal with his addiction to sex, things could get real ugly. Fortunately, it's mostly a communication issue. If the dudes loves you, he's willing to cut back on sex because, as a 50 year old, he acknowledges that a relationship is more than just sex on a semi-regular basis. Or at least he should. If he doesn't, where the hell has he been the past 40 years since he's started having desires for girls/women? If he's not willing to compromise, then he's wanting more than what you can provide him. At that point, it would be in your best interest to find someone more compatible that fits your needs. 1
Jules Dash Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Generally, men don't handle going backward with sex well. If it's 4 days out of the week of sex and you ask him to slow it down, there won't be a lot of mutual understanding. He treats you wonderful and caters to you and you try to match his labido... Can this be an equitable arrangement? 1
sillyanswer Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I have been dating a guy for 3 months. We have sex every time we see each other which is 4 times a week at least. I'm 37 and he is 52. At first, I thought it would slow down but it's pretty consistent even though I have brought this up to him. I have met his entire family over Thanksgivings and have met his friends on several occasions so it dismissed my first thoughts of him just using me for sex. I believe he is taking Cialis but we haven't discussed it. I enjoy having sex with him, and I am falling in love with him, but I'm exhausted. I feel like I have to stay at home to avoid having sex with him. You say you're exhausted. Do you want less sex? or more sleep? Have you considered going to bed earlier? 1
CaliGypsy Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I know I shouldn't be saying this, but dang, that's the kind of problem I want. I guess my only suggestion would be to try talking to him and trying to find a mutually acceptable compromise . 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 but I'm exhausted. I feel like I have to stay at home to avoid having sex with him. Are you doing some kind of special tricks or techniques that cause YOU to be exhausted? isn't the old man the one pumping away? Look, you're giving him a false representation of what he should expect as the sexual normalcy in his life...you're not communicating well enough and letting him know how much of a factor this is for you...to the extent that is causing you to be "exhausted". Maybe he is afflicted with some pent up passion due to a sexless marriage...and maybe he's just with you and introducing you to the family and all of that because he's been married for 27 years before and this is what feels safe and familiar to you and has little to do with you. But one thing that really gets under my skin is when people date someone because they like the entire package...but just wish they could change these one or two things to make the person "perfect"...even if it means going against what actually makes that person happy and what they need...because YOU have decided for yourself that this is the guy YOU want to keep around, so you figure you'll go and try to please him as a means of not letting him go...which is selfish, but instead he'll be painted as selfish for wanting so much sex when he doesn't even realize how much of a problem it is. This is joke of a way to go about things in a relationship IMO...you need to be compatible, you can't sweep a few things under the rug and call it "nobody is perfect"...you need to take responsibility for yourself and here's another thing...ACTUALLY take someone else's need seriously and deem them as important, instead of considering them irrelevant because they are irrelevant for you. I loathe this whole attitude of "I'm just going to deal with things...and hold them inside and see if things get magically better or change on their own"...and then you just hope and wish for a series of illogical series and steps to occur and then when it doesn't happen you're actually playing the victim and your defense is..."well, I thought it would just go away...I thought it would change" This is something that really bothers me about women, in that they claim to love and cherish directness, honestly, truth, and yadda yadda yadda but when it comes their turn to spill the beans and actually FULLY express and divulge the feelings and emotions they feel....they instead clam up....they can't do it, and then the man gets blamed for not reading your damn mind, taking your more seriously or responding to your passive aggressive or shyly quiet gestures as you "tolerate" and "suffer" at the hands of a wild brute who shows no mercy. For bob sake, take some damn responsibility for yourself and actually open your mouth and stop being afraid of losing every other guy you fall in "love with" or think you are falling for...and then being pissed off and playing the victim 10 years because of sh** you already knew way back in the day, stop playing the victim card every time something doesn't work out your way or doesn't go the way you planned it. If I was him, I would have wanted you to be honest from the beginning, I'd want to be dating the real woman...not the fabricated woman trying to please me because she thinks you're a good guy/package or catch...because you're not doing me any favors, you're doing yourself favors by trying to be someone you are not...and then I bet your @ss you'll throw it in my face down the road like I was repressing you the entire time...just because you kind of sort of mentioned it once or twice back in the day but were never really very strong about...but nope, it wouldn't be your fault for communicating or being more expressive, it'll be mine or any other guys fault for not digging through all the tiny clues and making sure you're getting all your needs met. Men think everything is going well in the beginning...often times because women are trying to be what that man wants in order to get what she wants in return. It's no surprise that so many relationships end up unhappy down the road once the birds and bees fly away from this magical illusion that takes place in the beginning....but no, two years later...it's just way too much and things gotta change, of course after the guy is locked in and you feel more comfortable doing so. 3
stillafool Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Yes, I told him this and he slows down to once a day instead of twice but it's still too much. I have been reading threads posted by men concerned that their gf's sex drive doesn't match theirs and break up over it. I don't want to lose him over this. He treats me wonderful and caters to me. I'm also very attracted to him so that's not it. I please him whenever he wants because I don't want to lose him. So basically you are willing to put your comfort on the back burner so you don't lose a man. Is that right? 2
BluEyeL Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 It's funny how men can't understand how can you be "tired". It can get too much and different sex drives in a couple are truly common. I would ask him what would be the ideal number of times per week he'd normally want to have sex and I'd tell him my ideal situation and then ask how can you compromise. you go up a little maybe, he goes down a little, but in the end you'll have to see what you can live with. Long term, it should be resolved, because you'll not be able to have sex 2x/day forever if you're not that type. 1
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Sounds to me the problem isn't all the sex, but his emotional health..... IMO if he is threatening you passive/agressively about the sex, that if you want less he will go somewhere else, that is abuse. Get some self worth and dump this guy. There is nothing you can to to change this unless you leave.
GemmaUK Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) I think I'd be getting some Real Doll brochures in so that he has something to hammer away at at night until he gets tired. I think you definitely need to speak up. You might even find that he would be happy to ease off - he might be thinking you expect that level of action considering the age difference. I remember having a chat with my LT guy and having to ease back on frequency. I was working full time, doing most of the household chores and also was caring for my poorly Dad at the time and I was shattered! He was great about it and supportive. One thing that I said made it click for him hugely and that was that I pointed out that men are generally physically stronger than women and often tend to have more stamina. We changed things around but also one change we made was to 'meet' in the bedroom right after work and have some fun then. That way if I did fall asleep on the sofa at 9pm I wouldn't feel bad and he wouldn't feel unwanted. It deffo worked for me! I couldn't wait to get home most nights! We also used to have an agreed few days off every now and then and tease and flirt like crazy (it was great fun!)...we always made sure that we knew we had a free um..day or at least a few free hours coming up at the end of the agreed time though. EDITED: Passive aggressive? I missed that bit. Scrap what I said above - if he is passive aggressive he won't get any less so. Edited December 8, 2014 by GemmaUK 1
yetanotherguy Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) So there is a lot of female advice here that is horrible - sorry ladies. I too am 52 and have been in a monogamous married relationship for 30+ years. Sex has changed and varied throughout the years - that's normal with jobs, kids, etc. There have been some very lean years too... and we never fought or had a bad marriage in any way. I recently was COMPLETELY HONEST with my wife - it took a few YEARS to get her to really understand what I was saying because she is a woman and simply does not think like a man. We finally communicated. Now we are having sex 6-7 times a week. We make time for it. I wake her up each night - because she has too many other obligations and priorities and is exhausted so I let her collapse for an hour or two. Now that she FULLY UNDERSTANDS things, she is happy to make this work. We love each other and always put each other's needs first. She just didn't fully understand my needs. These needs - though they involve sex - are not sexual in nature but have to do with sharing my life with her in a way that works for a man. So I can hear you ladies screaming at your computer now, but I will clue you into a few things: 1) men having sex = women talking. If you are comfortable with your spouse talking to you once or twice a week, then calibrate your sex life accordingly. 2) men access their emotions and feelings through sex. Sorry ladies - I know you don't believe it but it is completely true. 3) men who have regular sex with their wives love them more. Sorry but it is true. I bet your guy is so excited by his relationship with you that he is GOING OUT OF HIS WAY to take meds and ensure that he can connect with you. Unfortunately, he can't fully perform so has to do it twice - you guys should work something out there, but realize he will be frustrated if he can't complete this with you. Read this and it will make my points clearer - its from some woman's blog so maybe you will believe her more : Ten Things Every Husband Wishes His Wife Knew About Sex, But Doesn’t Know Quite How To Tell Her https://missionwife.wordpress.com/2012/08/05/10-things-sex/ He also had a shi**y marriage and probably had horrible communication so has developed a passive-aggressive style. Or maybe that was always his nature. I encourage you to 1) understand him and then 2) help him work this out so he communicates directly. That style of communication sucks and should not be accepted over the long run as it builds resentment and poor communication. It is EXCEEDINGLY HARD for a man to communicate what I have told you. Women will ridicule this and not believe it and equate it to being horny, etc. but it is true. Be glad I am here to at least provide this perspective. Good luck - I am glad you found someone who is trying to show you what you mean to him - hopefully you can make it work. btw - the thing that finally cemented it in my wife's mind was when I pointed out that she puts herself last - never gets to her own feelings and needs - and then my needs are below that because she is exhausted. She HATED that thought and never realized it. That was probably what led to her change in thinking and why she is so happy I wake her up and we have sex, and romance, and togetherness that we had missed for a long time... Edited December 8, 2014 by yetanotherguy 5
xxoo Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 What do you mean by tired? Do you mean tired of sex? Is the sex exciting for you? I can have sex every day. But there needs to be more than the same routine every time. My libido needs recharge, and usually that comes from playfulness and discovery in the bedroom (even after years together), or from outside sources (movies, tv shows, books....anything that feeds my fantasy life). It can also come from a surge of feelings for my partner, from certain life events or actions on his part. Did you enjoy every day sex in the beginning? Did you WANT it every day? If so, consider how you could recharge your libido and WANT it every day now. I will add that the nighttime sex you describe, where he goes until he's tired but doesn't climax, sounds tedious to me. It doesn't sound enjoyable at all, and could easily drain libido. Talk it out with him.
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