How long is too long to be multi-dating?

[chicaboom]

So i have never really dated more than one person at a time, but I'm trying it out for the first time b/c I feel like if others are doing it to me why shouldn't I also hedge my bets and also I think it helps me from putting all my emotional investments in one person early on.

 

But I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been seeing on guy for about 1.5 months we see each other once a week. Everything is sort of nice. But I"m still nto sure about some things, mainly just how compatible we are personality wise, but for now everything is great. we haven't had sex yet.

 

I've met another man who i've been on two dates with who is the polar opposite of the first guy.

 

I'm just wondering how long should I be dating these two men before it borderlines cheating? There hasn't been any talk of monogamy yet with the first man but i don't think he is seeing anyone else. I don't want to hurt anyone so I'm just not sure how long I should conitnue doing this?? advice??

[Danda]

Just be honest. There are people who are polyamorous or who have open relationships and it doesn't constitute cheating because they are honest across the board and have mutual consent.

 

Cheating boils down to betrayal and deception. If you agree to be monogamous with a person and then have sex with someone else, you have cheated.

 

When neither party ever brings the topic up and starts making assumptions, then problems are almost inevitable.

 

Being honest, though, means being honest about your thoughts, not just your actions, with this sort of thing, and also lets things go smoother, as well.

 

If he's the sort of guy who only focuses on one woman at a time, and he really likes you and has high hopes, then he could react badly to you just abruptly stating, "Since we are not officially exclusive, I am going to be dating other men." It could also come across like you're trying to pressure him into being exclusive, and if he thinks you're being manipulative in that manner, he might bolt.

 

But starting out with something like, "I know a lot of people date multiple people at once, until they find something official. How do you feel about that?" and seeing what he has to say could be an excellent way to lead into a conversation where you're being honest and respectful about the whole thing.

[angel.eyes]

Going on first or second dates with numerous different people is fine. You're figuring out if you actually like each other sufficiently to continue dating. As soon as you like one person more than the others, it's no longer a level field, and you should focus on that guy. Certainly by 1.5 months you really...really...should have a clear sense about whether you want to continue dating a particular guy.

 

I sense you're looking to multi-date now because you're frustrated with being in limbo with the guy you've been dating for 1.5 months. I would have a conversation with him about your status. Are you both on the same page with dating? Is he looking for a relationship, casual dating, or something else? If you're not on the same page after having a discussion, cut the cord and go find someone who wants the same things out of dating. Adding some hapless bystander to the mix won't resolve your dissatisfaction with being in limbo. It will simply drag things out and complicate matters. Why get ever more attached emotionally to someone who doesn't see you that way (if he's not interested in progressing things beyond the casual)? Not to mention the collateral damage to others, since you're already hung up on Mr. 1.5 Months and emotionally unavailable to progress with other dates until he's out of the picture.

Edited December 7, 2014 by angel.eyes

[chicaboom]

Just be honest. There are people who are polyamorous or who have open relationships and it doesn't constitute cheating because they are honest across the board and have mutual consent.

 

Cheating boils down to betrayal and deception. If you agree to be monogamous with a person and then have sex with someone else, you have cheated.

 

When neither party ever brings the topic up and starts making assumptions, then problems are almost inevitable.

 

Being honest, though, means being honest about your thoughts, not just your actions, with this sort of thing, and also lets things go smoother, as well.

 

If he's the sort of guy who only focuses on one woman at a time, and he really likes you and has high hopes, then he could react badly to you just abruptly stating, "Since we are not officially exclusive, I am going to be dating other men." It could also come across like you're trying to pressure him into being exclusive, and if he thinks you're being manipulative in that manner, he might bolt.

 

But starting out with something like, "I know a lot of people date multiple people at once, until they find something official. How do you feel about that?" and seeing what he has to say could be an excellent way to lead into a conversation where you're being honest and respectful about the whole thing.

 

hmm, I dind't even think that I needed to have a conversation actually. I thought since there was no mention of monogamy that it was ok to continue dating too people. And we're still pretty new...

[chicaboom]

Going on first or second dates with numerous different people is fine. You're figuring out if you actually like each other sufficiently to continue dating. As soon as you like one person more than the others, it's no longer a level field, and you should focus on that guy. Certainly by 1.5 months you really...really...should have a clear sense about whether you want to continue dating a particular guy.

 

I sense you're looking to multi-date now because you're frustrated with being in limbo with the guy you've been dating for 1.5 months. I would have a conversation with him about your status. Are you both on the same page with dating? Is he looking for a relationship, casual dating, or something else? If you're not on the same page after having a discussion, cut the cord and go find someone who wants the same things out of dating. Adding some hapless bystander to the mix won't resolve your dissatisfaction with being in limbo. It will simply drag things out and complicate matters. Why get ever more attached emotionally to someone who doesn't see you that way (if he's not interested in progressing things beyond the casual)? Not to mention the collateral damage to others, since you're already hung up on Mr. 1.5 Months and emotionally unavailable to progress with other dates until he's out of the picture.

I actually don't know if I have a good sense of whether I want to continue with this man, which is why I am dating someone else as well. Even though it has been 1.5 we see each other only once a week and for a couple hours on a date. I don't feel necessarily that we are super close just yet. I have a whole other post about this guy which you may or may not have seen. He is shy and introverted and doesn't have a lot of dating experience which is why we are moving slowly. So I"m being patient and waiting for him to be a bit more comfortable around me and open up, which seems to be happening.

 

We have already discussed what we want and we are on the same page. We both want long term relationship. I just dont know yet if we are completely compatible. And I am slightly frustrated with his somewhat lack of romantic nature lol. But this is minor and I know not a deal breaker for me...I think.

 

Basicalyl I"m just not sure about 1.5 man and need more time to figure him out. But I also like the other man who I just started seeing who gives me what I don't get from 1.5 man. But I also need more time with him. But more time with him means longer time with 1.5 man which brings me back to my original question...but i guess I need to have a discussion?? ughhh

[sillyanswer]

I've met another man who i've been on two dates with who is the polar opposite of the first guy.

 

I'm struggling with the idea of being attracted to two people who are so antipodally different!

 

I'm just wondering how long should I be dating these two men before it borderlines cheating? There hasn't been any talk of monogamy yet with the first man but i don't think he is seeing anyone else. I don't want to hurt anyone so I'm just not sure how long I should conitnue doing this?? advice??

 

Sometimes there's expectation of monogamy even without talk of it. I'm not necessarily suggesting that that is always a reasonable expectation, but if you do something that turns out to be contrary to the expectations of someone else then they may react in an unfavourable way.

 

Some people are against multi-dating entirely. Some people are fine with it until monogamy or a relationship has been established (via whatever method). The middle ground that I'm happy with is that multi-dating at the beginning, perhaps up to about 5 dates and certainly not after having sex, is acceptable.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I am multi-dating for the first time in my life also, and I would offer a few thoughts. First, don't do it because 'everyone else is doing it to me', or however you phrased it. No offense, but don't be so defensive about it.

 

It is totally okay to do so, as long as you are up-front about your expectations within a few dates, or as soon as there is any indication on the other person's part of emotions coming into play. My new rule of thumb is that if it is the point in a relationship where you think you want to kiss them, or neck, or whatever feels like a milestone to you, then that is the point to have the conversation. More importantly, BEFORE that milestone occurs.

 

I always recommend the book 'The Ethical Slut' for great dating ethics. It is sort of an ethical how-to for people exploring polyamory, but I think it is great, awesome, powerful advice for anyone in the dating scene. It basically stresses and explains how to safely navigate real open honesty about our emotions in a relationship.

[genuinelyloverly7]

SORRY for the double post- I'm not sure how to delete it.

 

 

I am multi-dating for the first time in my life also, and I would offer a few thoughts. First, don't do it because 'everyone else is doing it to me', or however you phrased it. No offense, but don't be so defensive about it.

 

Second, It is totally okay to multi-date, as long as you are up-front about your expectations within a few dates, and/or as soon as there is any indication on the other person's part of emotions coming into play. My new rule of thumb is that if it is the point in a relationship where you think you want to kiss them romantically then that is the point to have the conversation. More importantly, BEFORE that milestone occurs. It could be some more theoretically intimate milestone, but that is where it get's tricky gauging what others consider a milestone too...

 

I always recommend the book 'The Ethical Slut' for great dating ethics. It is sort of an ethical how-to for people exploring polyamory, but I think it is great, awesome, powerful advice for anyone in the dating scene. It basically stresses and explains how to safely navigate real open honesty about our emotions in a relationship.

Edited December 8, 2014 by genuinelyloverly7
SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST!!!

[Redhead14]

So i have never really dated more than one person at a time, but I'm trying it out for the first time b/c I feel like if others are doing it to me why shouldn't I also hedge my bets and also I think it helps me from putting all my emotional investments in one person early on.

 

But I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been seeing on guy for about 1.5 months we see each other once a week. Everything is sort of nice. But I"m still nto sure about some things, mainly just how compatible we are personality wise, but for now everything is great. we haven't had sex yet.

 

I've met another man who i've been on two dates with who is the polar opposite of the first guy.

 

I'm just wondering how long should I be dating these two men before it borderlines cheating? There hasn't been any talk of monogamy yet with the first man but i don't think he is seeing anyone else. I don't want to hurt anyone so I'm just not sure how long I should conitnue doing this?? advice??

 

As long as there has been no declaration of exclusivity with one or the other, you are free to date others. If you decide to be sexual with one of them without discussing exclusivity, you would then stop dating other and let's say, self impose exclusivity. Of course, that discussion should happen first.

 

If you're leaning toward wanting to see where it goes with the first one, get into a casual discussion with him about what you are looking for in your dating experience in the long run and not necessarily with him. Very casual, general discussion. You'll get a sense of where he is in his head. You may find that he's not looking for a relationship at all and your questions are answered.

[chicaboom]

I don't thin there's anything wrong with saying that since everyone is muti-dating why shoudn't I? It's just a way of hedging my bets.

 

We've definitely moved past necking or kissing so that's sort of out of the question for me now. haha. But I agree with other poster about having sex. we haven't done it yet, and that is also why I am holding off bc i don't want to have sex, get attached without knowing whether I think we are actually compatible.

[chicaboom]

I'm struggling with the idea of being attracted to two people who are so antipodally different!

 

 

 

Sometimes there's expectation of monogamy even without talk of it. I'm not necessarily suggesting that that is always a reasonable expectation, but if you do something that turns out to be contrary to the expectations of someone else then they may react in an unfavourable way.

 

Some people are against multi-dating entirely. Some people are fine with it until monogamy or a relationship has been established (via whatever method). The middle ground that I'm happy with is that multi-dating at the beginning, perhaps up to about 5 dates and certainly not after having sex, is acceptable.

trust me, I also dont know how I'm attracted to two completely different people! Maybe it's because I am a gemini...if you believe in that stuff. but they really are completely different. one is introverted and shy and the other one is smooth and alpha male. so confused!

[Standard-Fare]

It's different for everybody, but here's one opinion:

 

I think with the 1.5 month guy, you'll reach the point soon where some kind of convo is a good idea, particularly if you'll be sleeping together. That convo doesn't need to be "Are we going to be exclusive?" but more along the lines of "Just so you know, I've been keeping my options open with dating." You wouldn't want to throw him for a loop that you're seeing other people.

 

For me, multi-dating doesn't work well beyond a couple dates. It's just too hard to juggle, timewise, and I feel like it makes me treat every prospect less seriously. Everything starts to feel a little meaningless.

[elaine567]

We've definitely moved past necking or kissing so that's sort of out of the question for me now...

trust me, I also dont know how I'm attracted to two completely different people! Maybe it's because I am a gemini...if you believe in that stuff. but they really are completely different. one is introverted and shy and the other one is smooth and alpha male. so confused!

 

Well you had better make up your mind pretty quick, else it will all get very complicated and you could end up breaking hearts.

Playing around with shy, introverted people's feelings is unfair and even alpha males can get hurt too.

[venusishername]

So i have never really dated more than one person at a time, but I'm trying it out for the first time b/c I feel like if others are doing it to me why shouldn't I also hedge my bets and also I think it helps me from putting all my emotional investments in one person early on.

 

But I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been seeing on guy for about 1.5 months we see each other once a week. Everything is sort of nice. But I"m still nto sure about some things, mainly just how compatible we are personality wise, but for now everything is great. we haven't had sex yet.

 

I've met another man who i've been on two dates with who is the polar opposite of the first guy.

 

I'm just wondering how long should I be dating these two men before it borderlines cheating? There hasn't been any talk of monogamy yet with the first man but i don't think he is seeing anyone else. I don't want to hurt anyone so I'm just not sure how long I should conitnue doing this?? advice??

 

I think it's ok as you are still figuring out if you are compatible with the first guy. Your relationship is so casual and at a slow pace (only once a week and no sex) that I don't see any reason to be thinking about monogamy yet. Do you talk often? Are you investing yourself emotionally with him? IMO, if you haven't picked it up to a deeper level at this point, you are free and clear to see other men.

 

 

What I would do is continue doing it until you are sleeping with one of them, or plan to. You also can't assume that he isn't seeing anyone else, unless you ask. Just my $0.02!

[mysteryscape]

All the talk of being "official" (as if there is an accepted code of ethics about dating, LOL) or "emotions coming into play" or "free to .... until" just makes me chuckle kind of sadly.

 

It's not true that "everyone is doing it i.e. multidating." In fact, I there are studies of OLD that show that they aren't. Furthermore, I think most people, certainly most women, prefer not to do it. A lot of people feel that they have to go along with it. Another thing is that the OLD companies make their money by promoting it. They also want to keep everyone on edge as much as possible. Why do you think that the OLD web sites show who is online at any given moment?

 

If I were the 1.5 mo. guy, and I found out what you have been doing/thinking, I would probably dump you. I have certainly been in that situation in the past, and the same thing heppened, and I didn't dump her, but it would have been better if I had.

 

If you are going to do the multidating thing, be upfront about it from the very beginning, i.e. tell someone on the very first or at most the 2nd real date -- forget about coffee breaks -- that you are doing it. And let them react the way they will. Some will be way turned off, some will be uneasy and then decide to go along, some will be intrigued.

 

But don't be too surprised when the tables are tunred!

[JohnM]

Here's my current experience.

 

I was talking to two girls last week, set up a date with girl 1 on Sat. She asked to rearrange as she was tired. So I set up a date with girl 2.

 

#2 was nice but no spark. Asked #1 a week later about rearranging and she fluffed about her head being all over the place, so that's that.

 

I think its important to keep your options open as you don't know who will be right. But I think you should knows that sooner.

 

I'm talking to four girls this week. Dates set up for Sat and Mon already.

 

I'm a slow moving one woman man, but its a case of waiting for a bus only for lots to turn up at once. I'm not going to cancel the rest if Saturday's goes well, but past say date three if there is more than one girl still on the cards I would either be honest with them or choose and commit.

 

It'll get messy and your attention will be divided I expect. If there's not a spark yet then stop seeing them.