lucy_in_disguise Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I wanted to get others' perspectives on turnoffs and how you handle it when someone you are dating exhibits behaivior that instantaneously impacts your attraction for them. i dont think that all turnoffs are made equal. Do you stop to consider the logic of your emotional response? Or you make a conscious effort to ignite your attraction after such events? Or, do you go with the flow, trust your instincts, and do what feels right to you? Heres the issue. Im dating someone i like a lot... we hit it off right away snd at first, the attraction was strong. I see a lot of potential with this and initially was very excited to be dating him. I even considered if he wad the one... But over our last few dates, a few things hes done have been killing my attraction. Some i feel like are my issues and should be irrelevent to the relationship - ie, i think im being unreasonable in reacting the way i do, except its an emptional response, so i dont know how to rewire myelf to be into it. Other behaiviors are straight- up red flags, and i need to know whether we can work thru them, or i should bounce now, before we are serious. Small annoyances: Heavy pda slightly creepy way of expressing attraction (he does this creepy growl thing that i think he considers flirting but is really off-putting) Somewhat clingy likes fast food red flags: Smoking (we discussed this and he promised to quit in january. While im giving him the benefit of the doubt, its still a major turnoff for me) Adderall abuse (he has adhd... and for that matter, so do I. We are both prescribed it. I am extremely responsible, taking only my (low xr) dosage as prescribed. Imo he abuses it (self medicates, sometimes takes more than prescribed, uses it to stay up all night, etc.) sexist "jokes" - frequently enough where i dont know if hes kidding. Note i generally like inapptopriate jokes and he is from another culture What do u guys think? Should i ditch this guy? Obviously he has a ton of amazing qualities going for him too, or i wouldnt have to consider it. which of the items above are stupid? Which can we work through? Are there any that should be immediate and non-negotiable dealbreakers?
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Yup ditch the guy.....seriously I really don't think you need to ask anyone about this.....it's pretty evident this guy is no catch. My advice, you can fix 'em nor should you over look ANYTHING because you like them. 2
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 BTW your emotional response to these things is your gut instinct tell you "Not right". 2
Dontfindme Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I'm very big on being 'appropriate' in public - when I find someone who can't be, it's just not going to work. He sounds immature - your description makes it sound like he's a high schooler.
Els Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I'd be gone at the smoking, without even considering anything else. It's one of my few 'non-personality related' dealbreakers. But yeah, if you have a list of things that bug you over the first few dates... time to run. If they bug you now, imagine what it'll be like being in a R with that person for years! 2
spanishchick00 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 How is he clingy? Can you give examples?
Danda Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Everyone's turn-offs and turn-ons are different. If a guy I was attracted to did some animalistic noise/growl thing at me in a clearly flirtatious manner, hell it'd probably turn me on lol. I love audio stimulation in general, though. But that's me, and not you. And I'm not dating the guy, you are. So if he's turning you off, move on. You don't need anyone's permission, and it's not right or wrong. It just is what it is. If I didn't understand that, then I might have told you something like, "That's a dumb reason to reject him," because I don't personally understand your perception. So that's why you wouldn't want to be relying on my approval / opinion in the first place. Just go with your gut. It's the best adviser you'll ever have. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 the small annoyances.... 1...heavy pda.......this is actually a major for me....i dont like being man handled in public put on display that others would be uncomfortable viewing it would heighten awkwardness in me.....i would feel others disapproval......and i would be highly uncomfortable...i would give a direct no to this.....dont do it again please..........if the guy had respect for me he wouldnt do it again...same for you this little thing has the capacity to magnify over time.....h eneeds to respect your space and act accordingly i think when you are getting to know personal boundaries of the person you are with i think it is best you let that person know what you like and what you dont like.....so a no run policy only if they are expressly told no....and continue to do it...then its time to say goodbye...i think honesty is the best policy but also forgiveness in the getting to know another process.....as you feel your way to common ground where mutually you are both happy.... i have an ex who does this high pitched whistle...i have sensitive ears to tonal qualities in voices and in pitch......its like grating skin to me....makes me want to scream......i have asked him repeatedly not to do it it hurts my ears.......he continues to do it to annoy me......and i honestly really dislike him when he does it...have told him so.....also have threatened him that him and i will come to blows....he continues to do it because he knows i wont kill him.........takes all of me to forgive him....the one thing i didnt forgive him for that split us up was abandoning me when i gave birth to my second son to be with another......i am however hsi friend...until he whistles and he is no longer a friend....till he apologizes.... i think adapting to have another in your life up close and personal is some where you have to be completely honest..you have to air your discomforts or grievances so you can progress forward .....never hold anything that makes you even a little uncomfortable....because it turns into a high pitched whistle if it happens over and over again........deb
shet Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Smoking's a red flag? Of what, that he's a smoker and you don't smoke? Most anybody else just wouldn't date in that case, not consider it a red flag. You've seriously stipulated he has to quit for you? That's pretty ****ed up imo. Of both of you.
michellew Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Growling?? Ew. I can usually get past small annoyances, but fast food and smoking are major lifestyle choices, not something small you should ignore.
Danda Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Smoking's a red flag? Of what, that he's a smoker and you don't smoke? Most anybody else just wouldn't date in that case, not consider it a red flag. You've seriously stipulated he has to quit for you? That's pretty ****ed up imo. Of both of you. I think the terms she's using for stuff is a little off, but I also find it easy to read between her lines. Liking fast food was on her annoyances list, and then smoking on her red flags list, so I think health-consciousness is something she considers important in a partner. But then instead of stating that upfront and explaining that therefore some of his choices/habits go against her personal values, she cuts straight to the chase of "these are red flags" without specifying "these are red flags that he might not be the one for me". But anyway I agree with you 100%. I think it's a red flag regarding her that she is trying to change him instead of moving on. I am a smoker and have been weening myself off of nicotine at my own pace, slowly decreasing the number of cigs per day over time. Rushing quitting or going cold turkey has never worked for me, but so far so good on the gradual decrease. What goes on my list of major annoyances? When people think me smoking is any of their god damned business. They can choose to hang with me or not, but I can't stand control freaks. (No offense OP, but in all seriousness, shouldn't try to change him. Just trust your gut and move on. It's respectful to him and respectful to yourself to do so.) 1
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Smoking's a red flag? Of what, that he's a smoker and you don't smoke? Most anybody else just wouldn't date in that case, not consider it a red flag. You've seriously stipulated he has to quit for you? That's pretty ****ed up imo. Of both of you. When I smoked, I was turned down because of it, *shrugs* no skin off my nose, it didn't bother me at all, I respected their decision.....if I was single today, it would be a deal breaker for me too. I quit 15 years ago for many reasons, and my health was one of them, so why would I want to jeopardize my health? I know if I dated a smoker I would start smoking again for sure....it's just better to say no I won't date a smoker.
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 (edited) As for the growling thing, It was prob cute at first until he kept doing it all the time...just plain weird. Clingy says to me insecure....Me personally wouldn't want to be someones whole world, ew. I like my space, and things like affection in moderation. Edited December 8, 2014 by smackie9
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 I agree that it's insane to start off a relationship with a bunch of ultimatums. I didn't intend for that to happen, but he is the one offering to change every time I bring something up. He claims to understand that I value health and to be interested in improving his. The fact that smoking is a dealbreaker for me was made clear in my profile, where I also stated that I liked to eat healthy and exercise. His profile expressed the same values (non-smoker, plays sports) but it was quickly apparent those things weren't true. He is adament that he wants them to be, tho. I brought up the adderall use last night and he insisted he abuses it only occasionally and it was just a coincidence that i have already witnessed it. Im still not convinced and have major doubts but am continuing to date him for now. Were not sleeping together and i have made it clear i wont commit until he quits smoking and i get a better understanding about the other issues. The growling and pda i mentioned as well and he has cut them out for now.
mammasita Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 If you were really REALLY into him, the small annoyances that you list would probably be kinda cute to you at this point. Otherwise, your list of red flags are pretty much deal breakers (for you of course, they'd be different for everyone obviously). Don't get into something on a promise, either accept him as he is or not. I'd bet money on him not quitting smoking in January.
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 The guy is a liar off the bat about being a nonsmoker and into a healthy lifestyle...red flag. I doubt very highly he's gonna follow through...not sure why you would even put up with this...are you that desperate for a relationship with someone??? The guy is full of it, you are just wasting your time.
angel.eyes Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 The fact that smoking is a dealbreaker for me was made clear in my profile, where I also stated that I liked to eat healthy and exercise. His profile expressed the same values (non-smoker, plays sports) but it was quickly apparent those things weren't true. He is adament that he wants them to be, tho. I'm wondering how you define deal breaker. For me, I don't date someone who has a deal breaker of mine. My deal breakers include smoking, dishonesty, and misrepresentation. It sounds as if these are just nice-to-not-haves. You'll overlook them. I brought up the adderall use last night and he insisted he abuses it only occasionally and it was just a coincidence that i have already witnessed it. Im still not convinced and have major doubts but am continuing to date him for now. No surprise here! Most substance abusers minimize their problem. The growling and pda i mentioned as well and he has cut them out for now. Poor thing! He'll need a cigarette after all the stress of twisting himself in a pretzel trying to be what he's not. The fact of the matter is you want to date him regardless of his glaring deficiencies relative to what you want in a partner. Ask yourself why that is. 2
BlueIris Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Sexist jokes and drug abuse? He’d have to fly like superman, be a sex god, and cure cancer to overcome those two. Nah, that wouldn’t even be enough.
Frank2thepoint Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Smoking is a deal breaker for me. I don't like kissing a woman that smokes because I can taste the cigarette on her mouth, not her. So that is a major turn off for me. I don't know what your definition of heavy pda is, but some women even consider just holding hands as too much pda. Yes, this is true. The fact that smoking is a dealbreaker for me was made clear in my profile, where I also stated that I liked to eat healthy and exercise. His profile expressed the same values (non-smoker, plays sports) but it was quickly apparent those things weren't true. He is adament that he wants them to be, tho. I brought up the adderall use last night and he insisted he abuses it only occasionally and it was just a coincidence that i have already witnessed it. Im still not convinced and have major doubts but am continuing to date him for now. Were not sleeping together and i have made it clear i wont commit until he quits smoking and i get a better understanding about the other issues. So you expressed one of your values in a man is to be a non-smoker, and you found out the guy is a smoker and lied to you. Yet you still continued to go out with him. He abuses his medication, which is admitted to you, and you are on here asking random strangers if you should continue seeing this guy or not. Why? To me it sounds like you have pliable values yourself. Maybe you should learn to not tolerate people that lie to you.
Thegreatestthing Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 The deal breakers for me would be atheism that would just be frustrating for me. And the addrell etc etc thing I couldn't accept,I'm a very natural therapies sort of person like my grandmother.
Recommended Posts