purplesorrow Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 That he cheated on me. He wanted to apologize to him. I would have never told my dad. He loved WH like a son. My dad knew we were having problems but no details. Now he wants to call my closest friend and my siblings that know. Why am I so angry about this? Is that a normal reaction to someone trying to make amends?
Dontfindme Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Maybe he feels that by hurting you - he hurt those who are the closest to you - and in some way, apologizing and making amends with your loved ones will allow him a better chance at making amends with you?
Author purplesorrow Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 We tried reconciling. I just wasn't into it and divorce is back on the table. If we're meant to be, I guess it will happen one day. For me, now is not the time.
beach Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Well - it is his actions that did the damage and it is HIS to tell or not tell. But I think it's very telling that he knows its hurting you more by him telling - yet he continues with more actions that are hurting you. No, that isn't amends. 1
Bartlett67 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 The betrayed needs to feel some semblance of control after having it wrested away through the deceit and backstabbing of a cheating a**hole. He just took control again. He's got you powerless all over again. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 I think I just feel annoyed. It feels like a manipulative move to me. He said he didn't know it would upset me and won't call the friend and siblings. He knows I have no support for divorce. I just think it is another thing that can be used to show he changed and is trying. 1
dichotomy Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) If divorce is on the table - I think he is manning up and being accountable to your dad. I don't know your husband, but if I consider the positive possibility - he is simply owning up and perhaps showing you he will take the heat for what has happened. To tell another man - a father - who loved you like his own son - that you betrayed his daughter and your sorry? Your going to take heat for this. Although perhaps if he could be working through your dad to change your mind? or be the first to explain why (lessen his accountability) I don't know. Edited December 7, 2014 by dichotomy 1
Author purplesorrow Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 If divorce is on the table - I think he is manning up and being accountable to your dad. I don't know your husband, but if I consider the positive possibility - he is simply owning up and perhaps showing you he will take the heat for what has happened. To tell another man - a father - who loved you like his own son - that you betrayed his daughter and your sorry? Your going to take heat for this. Although perhaps if he could be working through your dad to change your mind? or be the first to explain why (lessen his accountability) I don't know. This exactly. Can't decide if it is genuine based on the work he's done or a tatic based on who he used to be.
Realist3 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I think I just feel annoyed. It feels like a manipulative move to me. He said he didn't know it would upset me and won't call the friend and siblings. He knows I have no support for divorce. I just think it is another thing that can be used to show he changed and is trying. I would feel annoyed as well. YOU are now the decider, not him. You get to decide who knows what took place. It stinks of a ploy.
Purepony Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I see him as manning up because for him to go there and talk to your dad it takes some character. Its a shame most of the people here sound negative about it. I get he made a mistake but it seems like he really does care now I know if he cared he wouldn't have cheated but sometimes things don't go as planned... 2
No Limit Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Respect. Mine would have beaten him to the hospital. Well, I guess he believed that this move would somehow make him seem more sincere and you'd get interested in him again. Too bad that he forgot that this sort of action could also create some humiliation for the betrayed one. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 This really got me thinking. If he did this to take ownership, it is positive. However, it would have been better to forewarn you, so you could be mentally prepared. If it is done with the sole purpose to gain an ally, it is negative. However, is this how one gains allies? Right now, I can not think of how this helps him to gain support. So, I would lean towards him wanting to take ownership and apologize to his whole family. That he recognizes, his actions have had a ripple effect on many. 2
Selfish Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 I don't think someone would go to their soon to be ex wife's father and tell them he cheated in order to win allies... so I wouldn't worry about that. I can see a few things that could be possible on your end and why it angers you so much. 1. Even though cheating is a valid enough reason to end a marriage if a WS is remorseful and "doing the right things" it can bring a lot of guilt to the BS for throwing in the towel so to speak. But sometimes the damage is too great and there is no reason for guilt over this. So right now your anger may be you fighting guilt because a part of you thinks you should be reconciling. This just added fuel to that. Anger is often a coping mechanism. 2. Control. The affair takes away so much sense of security and control as it is completely out of the BS' power. And if the person has control issues to begin with this is amplified times ten. His telling your dad was then another thing "out of your control. This is hard because it is preached and preached for the WS to be proactive. I made mistakes like this too. Thinking I chose to do the right thing and would show I was making good choices without prompting... only to learn I should have not done so. It is a fine line to walk. 3. Shame. The people who are hit the hardest by infidelity are often the people who believe the cheating is a reflection of their character. After all they married the person, or didn't catch on sooner, or at all. But that sort of thinking needs to be put down. You don't need to feel shame over your dad knowing because you did nothing wrong. And unless you knew your H was cheating on you when you said I do but ignored it. You didn't marry a cheater. He became one. He was faithful until he chose not to be. And that is on him, not you. Fight the shame, you don't need to carry it. Anyone who would blame a BS isn't really worth your time anyways. Those are just a few things. I don't know you or where you are really at. I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. And I am not excusing his telling your dad because I think he went about it the wrong way. But I don't think it was meant to be malicious because none of your previous posts imply this of him. Remember you don't have to look for a reason not to reconcile. He already cheated. If wanting to reconcile, that is when you look for reasons. 2
Author purplesorrow Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Thanks for all of your replies. My dad feels it is sincere. He is broken hearted for us and our family. He told my WH how disappointed he was but he still loves him and will help in any way he can. Affairs suck. 1
eye of the storm Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Maybe he told your dad so that your family would come down on your side in the divorce. Sometimes families who don't know the whole story will try to help fix things by nagging you to work on it or to (fill in the blank). And he wants your family to understand, HE screwed up and to support you. I can't see anyway this would be to his benefit. Or how he could spin it to make himself the victim. I hope you are able to find peace.
Author purplesorrow Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Maybe he told your dad so that your family would come down on your side in the divorce. Sometimes families who don't know the whole story will try to help fix things by nagging you to work on it or to (fill in the blank). And he wants your family to understand, HE screwed up and to support you. I can't see anyway this would be to his benefit. Or how he could spin it to make himself the victim. I hope you are able to find peace. No one that knows supports a divorce. They knew what he was like before cheating. They all feel we should give a second chance. My dad still feels we should work on it. I just don't want to right now. Who knows what the future holds? Although I don't see my view changing.
elaine567 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 No one that knows supports a divorce. They knew what he was like before cheating. They all feel we should give a second chance. My dad still feels we should work on it. I just don't want to right now. Who knows what the future holds? Although I don't see my view changing. He took the gamble that they would see him (flawed as he is) as worth fighting for and keeping. Families rarely like divorces, they are messy and can be heartbreaking if there are kids involved. Some would rather their offspring work through cheating, or just learn to tolerate, than have grand kids dragged off around the country. Basically he now has your family on side too. He has shifted the dynamic, you are now seen as the person who wants to split stuff up, as opposed to being the hurt BW. 1
eye of the storm Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Purple, When we are injured, physically or emotionally, it is important to focus on our healing. Right now you are separating yourself for the person that has caused the injury. If that feels right to you, do it. Nobody has to live in your life but you. Make the decision that best supports your mental, physical, and emotional health. If your family wants you to reconcile, tell them thank you for caring but right now you need them to support your decisions. Stand firm. Good luck. 4
Author purplesorrow Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 He took the gamble that they would see him (flawed as he is) as worth fighting for and keeping. Families rarely like divorces, they are messy and can be heartbreaking if there are kids involved. Some would rather their offspring work through cheating, or just learn to tolerate, than have grand kids dragged off around the country. Basically he now has your family on side too. He has shifted the dynamic, you are now seen as the person who wants to split stuff up, as opposed to being the hurt BW. There was no shift. My family that knows never supported divorce. He had already told all his friends and family on dday. I don't think they are necessarily choosing him, they are just not choosing a divorce. They have acknowledged my pain and understand what reconciliation would mean.
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