Want to Beg His Forgiveness

[MousyBrown]

So, I just turned 21, and a year ago I began to date a friend of mine. I was in a rough place at the time, and he was a wonderful listener and a calming force amidst my sea of emotional instability.

Relationship had loads of good aspects. We liked lots of the same stuff, same sense of humor, same general viewpoint on life.

HOWEVER, he was also depressed, emotionally unavailable, afraid of intimacy, and socially anxious.

But I LOVED him. I wanted to see him all the time and I asked him for advice about everything. He was far and away my best friend, one of the few people I felt comfortable around. I adored his intellect and creativity and I craved his affection like I want chocolate when I’m PMSing.

Over time, though. I started to get frustrated. The sex was painfully dull (though I’m sure I could have worked harder to spice it up), he always wanted to stay home alone instead of going out and having fun, and when he got moody, instead of being supportive I RESENTED him. I felt repressed. I got angry.

Other guys started to look more appealing. I began to flirt, but I still didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I would think about a guy, and then come home to my boyfriend and crave his affection just as much as ever. He loved me so much, why couldn’t I love him the same way? I felt guilty and afraid, but that only served to fuel my interest in other men.

Finally, my boyfriend called me out for flirting with a guy at a party. I told him that he was right, and that we should probably stop seeing each other because of my inability to emotionally commit to him. He never wants to see me again.

So here I sit. Alone. Feeling like a total B**ch for forcing my relationship into limbo for so long. I chased my best friend away. I feel like he was the only good thing happening in my life. Without him, it’s like I have no identity. But then why did I spend so much time pining after other men?

I miss him so much right now that it makes me want to sob on his doorstep. I feel like such an awful person that I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

Do I want him? Do I deserve him?

[polaske93]

You sound alot like my ex girlfriend.. look truth is you couldve done alot more to hurt him. As far as you said you never went through with anything more then flirting with other men. I don't want to make this post about me, but I moved to be with the woman I loved. I ended up in the same place as your ex, depressed, socially anxiosus.. over all a total wreck. I don't blame my girlfriend for leaving me, nobody wants to be with someone who is in that state of mind, and it's best that you did leave him, and weren't just a crutch for him. Maybe you couldve still been there for him emotionally, and tried to help him through it as a "friend". I wish that's what my ex would've done. I just wanted someone to support me and to help me. She did text me a few nights after the breakup saying that she felt horrible for treating me th way she did.. but then went on to start dating a friend I introduced her too just a couple of weeks prior to the breakup. That totally destroyed me, I was already in a terrible place.. and that putore me down so much that I seriously for the first time in my life planned to kill myself.. but do you know what, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It was a slow and hard road to pull myself out of that depression, and truthfully I'm still working on it.. but do you know what? Not only am I better emotionally then I have ever been in my life, but mentally as well.. my point is, leave him alone for now, ththe damage has been done and reaching out to him too early will only make things worse. Wait for it, and one day maybe a year down the road if you still feel this way. Send him a simple message saying that you are sorry for not being able to be there for him, and that it hurt you to see him in such a bad place.. don't say you miss him or tell him anything that will hurt him. Then hopefully you guys can get back into a friendship.