jacksonbrown33 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 My GF & I broke up in July. It was an awful experience (duh!), but if you want to read the story, I guess you can click on my username to read the drama. I was the dumpee and I've since come to realize that I totally lost myself in our relationship, developed severe codependency, constantly tried to fix her and didn't see the 7 or 8 signs I've now come to recognize along the way in our 3.5 years together where I should have either raised a red flag or left the relationship. I had been off an on with NC ever since, but in October was able to go cold turkey and cut off all contact. I had started to feel better since that time and things were going well, until I saw a picture of my ex-GF on Facebook with her new boyfriend. I had removed her, her family and pretty much everyone I could think of from FB, but of course there was one person I didn't unfriend and that's where the picture ended up. It totally ruined my spirits on my favorite holiday. I've now come to find out that she met him September and will be moving 500+ miles across the country to live with him in January. It makes me sick that I was the good guy and the one that was treated like crap, but she is seemingly happy with a new person and moving to a new area. So here’s where I am now… I can’t stop thinking about her and her new relationship and whether it will work out or not. WHY CAN I NOT STOP CARING? It has nothing to do with me, but I find myself being jealous of her. Jealous that she was able to so quickly “move on” and meet someone new. WHY CAN I NOT MOVE ON? Any suggestions on how to stop my ruminating? I wish I just didn’t give a sh$t. That’s not who I am though… I am caring, loving, patient, etc. I’ve tried just about everything that I can think of and have read about. What about this jealousy and not being able to move on? Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks so much!
NopeNah Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Fakebook is the Devil! What you've basically done was...you put your life on hold since July(5mo) and she used that time moving forward. That's why it's important to go NC asap,after a break up, and start moving forward. As for what you can do now...Accept it! You have no other choice in the matter. It's done. Sorry.
Author jacksonbrown33 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Is it "normal" for me to be freaking out about the fact that the woman who I went out with for 3.5 years, lived with for 2 years, talked in detail about marrying, house hunted with, spoke about baby names with, etc., etc. EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF, met a guy in freaking September (3 months ago) and is already moving across the country to live with him? By the way, she contacted me in late September begging for me to talk to her in person because she was lost. I bet the new BF is not aware of this fact.
richburn Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Is it "normal" for me to be freaking out about the fact that the woman who I went out with for 3.5 years, lived with for 2 years, talked in detail about marrying, house hunted with, spoke about baby names with, etc., etc. EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF, met a guy in freaking September (3 months ago) and is already moving across the country to live with him? By the way, she contacted me in late September begging for me to talk to her in person because she was lost. I bet the new BF is not aware of this fact. I feel your pain, your not alone. A few of us suffer from exactly the same thing. I personally, have gone to see a counsellor and gotten some pretty intense therapy to help, we all deal with it differently. Got to focus on yourself bro, it will get easier - promise.
tryingtodealwithit Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Is it "normal" for me to be freaking out about the fact that the woman who I went out with for 3.5 years, lived with for 2 years, talked in detail about marrying, house hunted with, spoke about baby names with, etc., etc. EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF, met a guy in freaking September (3 months ago) and is already moving across the country to live with him? By the way, she contacted me in late September begging for me to talk to her in person because she was lost. I bet the new BF is not aware of this fact. the thing it seems you're not taking into account is that your ex has issues. and i doubt that she has fixed them in the few months that you two have been apart. my point is that she may have "moved on" and she may be moving across the country to live with some dude, but those issues are moving across the country with her. she is most likely not sailing off into eternal happiness. i've fallen into the trap of thinking my ex has gone off to live some awesome, happy life too. but i doubt that she is. she has a ton of baggage and some mental issues that she does a poor job of addressing and treating. i was with her for over 4 years. she doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship. from the little i've spoke to her it sounds like she's learned nothing from what happened between us and isn't working on herself at all. i understand it's hard to accept that they've decided they don't love you and/or want to be with you anymore, but that doesn't mean they've walked off into bliss while we suffer. your ex is going to take those same issues into this new relationship and now it will be this new guy's problem and not yours. do your best to let it go and focus on making you and your life better. i know that's easier said than done, but it really is the best thing you can do. 2
Author jacksonbrown33 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 the thing it seems you're not taking into account is that your ex has issues. and i doubt that she has fixed them in the few months that you two have been apart. my point is that she may have "moved on" and she may be moving across the country to live with some dude, but those issues are moving across the country with her. she is most likely not sailing off into eternal happiness. i've fallen into the trap of thinking my ex has gone off to live some awesome, happy life too. but i doubt that she is. she has a ton of baggage and some mental issues that she does a poor job of addressing and treating. i was with her for over 4 years. she doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship. from the little i've spoke to her it sounds like she's learned nothing from what happened between us and isn't working on herself at all. i understand it's hard to accept that they've decided they don't love you and/or want to be with you anymore, but that doesn't mean they've walked off into bliss while we suffer. your ex is going to take those same issues into this new relationship and now it will be this new guy's problem and not yours. do your best to let it go and focus on making you and your life better. i know that's easier said than done, but it really is the best thing you can do. Thank you so much... This is very helpful and I agree with everything you said. I appreciate you adding some perspective from your experience as well. Any suggestions on to actually "let it go"? I just can't seem to stop thinking about her, this new dude and really and truly begin to focus on myself. How can I make that mental "switch" in my head?
tryingtodealwithit Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Thank you so much... This is very helpful and I agree with everything you said. I appreciate you adding some perspective from your experience as well. Any suggestions on to actually "let it go"? I just can't seem to stop thinking about her, this new dude and really and truly begin to focus on myself. How can I make that mental "switch" in my head? sorry i didn't get back to you sooner. only saw this now. honestly, don't have an answer for you. i was in agony for months and months. time is probably the only thing that's going to help you let it go. my suggestion would be to just do your best in the meantime. it does get better and you will get through this. 1
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Have you tried to do a little casual dating yourself? Not for anything serious, until/if you are ready, but just for the sake of having some pleasant, lighthearted experiences with new women? If your ex is seeing another guy, and you're not seeing anyone at all, even just in a very casual manner, then you could be getting a grass-is-greener thing going on, fabricating how wonderful it must be for her and how happy she must be and so on. Truth is she is probably rebounding hardcore, and if you were to go out on a couple casual dates, yourself, you would (A) realize firsthand how ludicrous it is to think that you could be genuinely so 'in love' and willing to move across the country for someone that insanely soon, and (B) you'd be focused on the woman sitting in front of you and not on your crazy ex. All you have to do is make sure you don't do some weird rebound thing yourself and be honest about your casual intentions with the women you take out, and beyond that it might just be therapeutic and fun.
jphcbpa Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 dont judge your insides by her outsides. take care of you, do the work necessary to address the codependency. you and your future partner will be thankful. I bet lots of money your ex and the new guy will not work out. But that is NONE of your business. All the focus is on you. Her moving and moving on should be a blessing and the push you need to let go. That is over. Why would you want a woman who can't be single and get into a healthy place? Go get healthy for you. Take all the time you need. Get to a place you are happy woman or no woman. Learn to be happy alone. Solitude is a blessing! 2
KBarletta Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 she may be moving across the country to live with some dude, but those issues are moving across the country with her. she is most likely not sailing off into eternal happiness. ^^^ This is correct. Unless she has addressed the issues that led to your breakup, this relationship will be doomed as well. Thus, you have nothing to be jealous of her new guy for - he will be in your shoes sooner rather than later, and she will still have her issues, until she deals with them head-on. It sucks that she wasn't willing to do that with you - and I feel your pain as I am in a similar boat. But the ONLY thing you can control right now is how you react. The most important thing is to find new things to focus your attention on that have nothing to do with her. A work/home project. Learning a new skill/hobby. Spending time with friends. Exercising. Dating new women, casually. Anything that can possibly put a smile on your face and give you new thoughts should be welcome. 2
KBarletta Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 One thing to remember also, jacksonbrown, is that as the dumper, she has a head start on you in terms of coping and moving on. Most likely she had given lots of thought to leaving before she decided to do so. That means she's already done some grieving in her head, she's already been focused on moving on. You, as the dumpee (as am I) are left devastated because you did not have the time to prepare for this as she did. So ... to you, it looks like she's moving on very quickly. But in reality, she just got a head start on you. 2
Author jacksonbrown33 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Have you tried to do a little casual dating yourself? Not for anything serious, until/if you are ready, but just for the sake of having some pleasant, lighthearted experiences with new women? If your ex is seeing another guy, and you're not seeing anyone at all, even just in a very casual manner, then you could be getting a grass-is-greener thing going on, fabricating how wonderful it must be for her and how happy she must be and so on. Truth is she is probably rebounding hardcore, and if you were to go out on a couple casual dates, yourself, you would (A) realize firsthand how ludicrous it is to think that you could be genuinely so 'in love' and willing to move across the country for someone that insanely soon, and (B) you'd be focused on the woman sitting in front of you and not on your crazy ex. All you have to do is make sure you don't do some weird rebound thing yourself and be honest about your casual intentions with the women you take out, and beyond that it might just be therapeutic and fun. Thanks... Yes; I've gone on about a half dozen dates since August, with a few different women. Nothing serious. It's been hard for me to "get into it" if that makes any sense. I really don't care at this point. I think that's partly because I'm not over this yet and know that, so I don't want to disappointment or hurt anyone. The other part is because I haven't found anyone yet who is as attractive, funny and outgoing as she was.
Author jacksonbrown33 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 One thing to remember also, jacksonbrown, is that as the dumper, she has a head start on you in terms of coping and moving on. Most likely she had given lots of thought to leaving before she decided to do so. That means she's already done some grieving in her head, she's already been focused on moving on. You, as the dumpee (as am I) are left devastated because you did not have the time to prepare for this as she did. So ... to you, it looks like she's moving on very quickly. But in reality, she just got a head start on you. Thanks for your advice. It hurts to hear (and realize) this, but I guess it's probably the case. Still just hard to believe and absolutely baffling to me.
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