How many of you withhold being your true selves so you don't lead anyone on?

[Hopeful30]

I'm a very touchy, open person. I often give hugs, I will every now and then put my hand on a shoulder, or give a nudge. Smack a friend's knee in good humour. It's just who I am.

 

I learned very early on that this leads many men on, and some of my guys friends got the wrong idea (sadly those friendships had to end), and so I stopped being this way because I don't want men thinking I am flirting with them, or that I like them, when I'm just being open and friendly.

 

Was just wondering how many of you also have to change certain behaviours about yourself to not lead people on?

[shet]

I haven't had to change myself, in fact I'm the opposite and had to learn to be more touchy feely and open because people found me taciturn and cold, which is still an ongoing process in my thirties.

 

But I have faced women like yourself, and my input is, you're doing the right thing. It's very upsetting to meet a woman that, to all appearances, is giving all kinds of physical and emotional signals that others don't, inviting an emotional response from you, that is actually unwelcome and awkward. It feels like a bait and switch. In a sense it's unfair on you, but you're not going to be heartbroken over not being able to hug and hold and discuss intimacies with male friends, whereas they could easily be heartbroken over you if you did.

 

This is a raw subject for me, because I've literally just this week faced the exact same issue with a woman. All the time spent together, emotional exchange, invites to holiday period dances from her, daily texts etc. If you call it being friendly, it's not like any other friendships I've had, put it that way, I know what friendly looks like and this isn't it.

[Danda]

I don't see why you had to change yourself, though?

 

I think it would be a good idea to get to know someone a little while before giving them any physical affection, just to make sure they are okay with it, but also so they can see that you are that way with people in general.

 

If they have known you at least long enough to observe that you physically affectionate in general, then it's totally their fault if they are delusional and assume that it means something totally different when you give them a hug.

 

The only risk I can see in being physically affectionate, again, is if you do that with a brand new person, who might (A) not be comfortable with it, or (B) not be able to realize yet that you are like that with everyone.

 

If I were you I wouldn't change how you are just because someone may have once accused you of "leading them on."

 

Maybe just with a new friend, before hugging them just explain, "I'm a really huggy person, are you okay with hugs?" (or something like that) beforehand. It conveys respect for them (not touching them without permission) and also makes it clear that you're not hugging them in an attempt to get in their pants (lol).

[Destined2B]

I think the general consensus is that you never change yourself for others. If people have a problem with your behaviour then that's THEIR problem.

[GemmaUK]

I've learned that eye contact can lead to all sorts of problems so I don't tend to make eye contact with men I don't know unless I have to.

[Hopeful30]

I think the general consensus is that you never change yourself for others. If people have a problem with your behaviour then that's THEIR problem.

 

Right, and I agree with you, but it's either I am myself and lose almost every male companion/friend/colleague in my life, or I just hold back and everything is normal. I hate that I have to hold back for things to be normal. I hold back sexually too, because if I didn't, I would have a terrible reputation.

 

Are all men like this? Do all men assume physical affection from any woman is suggestive? Or have I just had bad experiences?

[shet]

You don't change yourself in relationships. In the context of general socialising, of course you change yourself for others. Otherwise we'd all be the same screaming demanding needy ****s we were as children or the same bitchy moody loners we were as teens. You learn what does and doesn't work to get on in the world, taking feedback and reacting. You already know what doesn't work, you've reiterated it twice and already reacted.

 

Context is important. I have old touchy feely lady friends who will hug and kiss. I've had a woman crawl into my sleeping bag under the influence of magic mushrooms. I've even understood what's going on when I've been directly hit on by female friends after they've been dumped (and drinking). These are extreme examples of contextual touchy feelies between friends that meant nothing.

 

At the same time I've had women I'm newly friends with, whose surnames I don't know, begin within seconds of first meeting dominating your time, holding hands, stroking your goddamn face, booking up your weekends for a month ahead and telling you about how lonely they are and how confused they are no men seem to want them. That **** is not the same and it's not on. It looks functionally the same as someone with a ladyboner for you and it makes you respond accordingly. Personally I've been legit pursued by women, lower key, less contact and less intimacy, than I've had from women like this that weren't even interested in me.

[todreaminblue]

i like to touch........and hug for comfort reasons normally.......to let them know i am there.......

 

with guys......i have found this is not so good.....my compassion causes passion......when i dont want to lead guys on......i have found this to be true...it does make guys think i am interested in them because i am interested in all people who are upset or down.....just not that way......my ex had to ask a guy to leave ........after a very long comfort session where he poured his heart out to me over a marriage break up....he went to sleep at my house because he missed the last train and dreamt about me.....not in a good way......and my ex awoke to him moaning my name.....that fact still has the capacity to make me feel guilt.....and i go into heart to hearts with my guy friends.....differently......i dont sit close and i rarely hug.....

 

i am not by my thoughts good looking...i can look pretty decent.....unique......but i do know my heart when it comes out to comfort and or talk..to build confidence or to ignite hope..wins quite a few hearts always has...i dont take advantage of guys in distress.....and i certainly dont take advantage of friends or lead them on........deb

[maysj18]

I am totally the same way, OP. I come from a very close, affectionate family. Even my dad and his brothers hug when they see each other. People have noticed this about me and coupled with my outgoing personality, have said it makes them feel very warm and comfortable; HOWEVER, lots of men have gotten the wrong idea like you said. It's never blown up into anything major though luckily. What's unique about the situation is that that side of my personality seems to attract a very specific type of guy. They are usually sweet, meek, down to earth. One described my personality as "nurturing- not in a motherly way, but in a 'I feel safe with you' way". It was actually the best compliment I've ever received, but it made me feel even worse about the situation.

 

It all comes so natural that I don't even realize I'm acting a certain way sometimes- is that how it is for you? It would be so hard for me to turn that switch off even though it would probably be better.

[Gloria25]

Well,

 

I think that by putting myself in casual/FWB situations, I don't have to worry about being anything cuz it's not like they have to make a decision on me for purposes of marriage and/or having kids.

[Hopeful30]

I am totally the same way, OP. I come from a very close, affectionate family. Even my dad and his brothers hug when they see each other. People have noticed this about me and coupled with my outgoing personality, have said it makes them feel very warm and comfortable; HOWEVER, lots of men have gotten the wrong idea like you said. It's never blown up into anything major though luckily. What's unique about the situation is that that side of my personality seems to attract a very specific type of guy. They are usually sweet, meek, down to earth. One described my personality as "nurturing- not in a motherly way, but in a 'I feel safe with you' way". It was actually the best compliment I've ever received, but it made me feel even worse about the situation.

 

It all comes so natural that I don't even realize I'm acting a certain way sometimes- is that how it is for you? It would be so hard for me to turn that switch off even though it would probably be better.

 

I can switch anything off. It's just not behaving exactly the same as you would otherwise. It sucks to restrain though, I must admit.

 

Unlike you though, I actually came from an abusive family, in more ways than one lol I got very little (if any) affection from my family growing up.

[smackie9]

I'm a very touchy, open person. I often give hugs, I will every now and then put my hand on a shoulder, or give a nudge. Smack a friend's knee in good humour. It's just who I am.

 

I learned very early on that this leads many men on, and some of my guys friends got the wrong idea (sadly those friendships had to end), and so I stopped being this way because I don't want men thinking I am flirting with them, or that I like them, when I'm just being open and friendly.

 

Was just wondering how many of you also have to change certain behaviours about yourself to not lead people on?

 

Don't blame yourself from being yourself. Those guys were pining for you right at the start. Tip: the majority of your guy friends are friends with you because they want to get with you. Even if you held back, eventually they would be expressing their feelings for you, obsessing over you, etc. Just the way it is. I say by being yourself you are sending them on their way quicker, saving them from being really heart broken, from months or even years of being in love with you.....doing them a favor in my eyes.

[Hopeful30]

^ Never thought of it that way.

[newmoon]

i think we all change some behaviors to some extent. whether to impress the other person, or not give them the wrong idea. most people do that to some degree and might not even recognize they are doing it. just like you alter your voice and tone depending on your audience, it's all about giving the right signals. in the workplace it's especially important b/c a "touchy-feely" person can get into a lot of trouble if they don't curb their habits.