Sloppy19 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Hello all. First time poster and long time reader. I could use some good advice and valuable input. I recently discovered that my wife was cheating on me. I caught it early on as they have mostly been communicating and hanging out casually. When my wife and I sat down to discuss where we go from here, she indicated that he felt "more mature" to her and she liked that he was so independent. Well i don't know the guy and , quite frankly, don't care, but the words she used hit me pretty hard. We have a nice house, a well paying job and I am overall pretty mature and independent. So this immediately made me pretty jealous and defensive. Long story short, we decided to separate and will likely get divorced since she wants to continue exploring a further relationship with this guy. Over the last week or so we have been apart I am struggling with loneliness and all of the normal emotions that go with separation/divorce. But I find myself also dealing with jealousy. More at her than the other guy. I have to be alone and confront all the pain while she gets to occupy her downtime with the new guy. It sometimes feels like she doesn't even feel sad. Am I terrible for wanting her to actually have to confront the emotions instead of filling her time with this guy? Any jealousy advice would be well appreciated.
Dontfindme Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) I don't think this is a jealousy issue - what you're feeling sounds normal, it's what most would feel. It sounds like you're just reflecting on how unfair all of this is - and it is unfair. Your wife was also probably just justifying her lack of commitment to you by trying to make you look less than. But you don't need a cheater's opinion to make you feel low. I think the best course of action for you is to take it a day at a time - I'm sure you have a range of emotions to deal with - so try to get through that all. At the same time you can try to better yourself - not for anyone else but you; do it through exercise, being social, picking up some sort of hobby or returning to an old one, meditation, etc. It will prove a nice, and healthy distraction from all the stress, anger, and heartache. Edit: I didn't mean for this to sound like I know what you're feeling more than you do, yourself. If the feeling is truly jealously - the healthy distractions will still help. And perhaps just remembering that there will always be others who are better, and those who are worse than we are, and all we can really do is be the best version of ourselves. Edited December 7, 2014 by Dontfindme
Friskyone4u Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Sorry this has happened but I agree it is hurt you are experiencing and it is normal. You have been betrayed in the worst possible way by someone who you trusted. What you need to do now is to take steps to heal yourself . You say you are probably headed for divorce . You need to make her understand that the probably has changed to a fact . If you have not served her yet with papers what you are telling her that she can take her time and have fun with her boyfriend and if it does not work out you will be there as Plan B. If she has already refused to stop seeing him she has made her choice . If you can afford it get some counseling. You situation is painful but it is not unique. And whatever you do do NOT keep asking her to come back and keep telling her you will forgive. That will not work 1
painfullyobvious Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Go see an attorney immeddiately to go through your options. Close all joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Let her find her maturity on her own dime not yours. File for divorce and have her served to snap her out of her cake eating life. Pack her stuff up and throw her butt out and expose her relationship to all those involved. Let's "seperate" is her way of having fun and you being plan B if it does not live up to her expectations. Cheaters use a variety of excuses to justify why they cheat and rewrite marriage history to make the affair partner seem glorious. She is in the affair fog but you cannot just sit by and let her try out her new relationship without consequences. If you don't have kids just file for divorce why save this relationship for the future given her probability of cheating. Sorry about this many of us have been there. 1
Bryanp Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 It is certainly normal and we have all experienced when you are going through. Make sure you get tested for STD's. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend make sure you notify them. In addition, if people ask you why you are getting divorced be honest and tell them the truth about your wife. I wish you luck. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 One of the things your wife will find out in the long run is that this little fairy tale she's living in is just that. This guys she's seeing is going to say and do anything he can for his tumble in bed with her and will be everything she wants him to be. That's the power of the vagina. But like everything else sooner or later the shine wears off and she starts to see that what he didn't want her to see slowly starts to come out and then this knight in shining armor is starting to rust and lose it's luster and then the bottom drops out. By then it's too late. She'll see his flaws, bad habits and warts and by then she he's not nearly the guy who she thought he was so don't let the jealous bug get you. If it was me, I wouldn't wait. I would pull the trigger on her and find a lawyer and cut her loose. Let her have the guy and you get your act together and find someone a lot better. 4
lolablue17 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) I think your wife is showing insensitivity, selfishness, egocentricity and mainly shallowness and superficiality. Every comparison between you and another man is only in her had! It is very shallow by her side to do it not to mention talking with you about it. She fell in love with you! She loved you so much and decided to marry you. She thought you're number one! If she has changed her mind, these are individual feelings inside her mind and heart. It's nothing to do with you, your personality any anything related to you. But instead of taking responsibility, she throw it all on you. She criticizes your personality "you're not mature for me, and not enough independent". Ye.. right... She is giving a spectacular demonstration for Immaturity. She's the one who's showing Instability with her taste in men. She's the one showing immaturity by not taking responsibility, and instead, criticizes you for what you are... And most of all: Dear wife - If you changed your mind and regret the marriage for any reason, You must understand that you hurt your husband very much. At least show a little empathy. Instead you decided to cheat first and when you got caught, you show zero remorse for your cheating. Even worse - You tell your husband that "you wants to continue exploring a further relationship with this guy" - UUUGGGHHHHH!!!!! Can't you just wait for a little? Can't you deal FIRST with your husband's feelings, can't you admit and be responsible for your cheating? For god sake, He is your husband, why do you treat him like he's a street dog? OP - There is nothing wrong with you! I'm sure that there are women who will love you the way you are! Women with a little more dignity and class than your selfish insensitive wife. It's not your fault that she was cheating on you, It's not your fault that she's erratic. Stand up and get rid of the feeling her stupid words caused you, her attitude, and try to boost your ego. Yes, it hurts, I know. But it's not you! Stop communicating with her. If you don't have kids, Just delete her completely from your life. Edited December 7, 2014 by lolablue17
aliveagain Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 She will soon find out that his sh*t stinks too. Please read up on the 180, you need to detach and focus on yourself because right now your wife is focusing on her new man and is not thinking of you at all. Talk to a lawyer, you need to protect yourself and your finances. Your wife is looking to build a nest with O/M and will take all she can from you to do so without remorse. You are in her way to happiness so don't expect her to be fair. Being nice won't get her to like you again or make her come back. She will see this as a weakness and weak men are not attractive specially when she is with a predator, a POS that will pursue a married woman, an alpha male. Expose their affair, give her a dose of reality. Most betrayed spouses are afraid that by doing so they will loose their spouse, what most don't realize is that their spouse is already gone so why prolong the agony? If she is truly gone isn't it better to know now rather than 8 months down the road? Why sit at home every night wondering what the two of them are doing. The very worst thing you can do is nothing, the best thing you can do is take yourself out of infidelity. That decision belongs to you, she lost her say when she started sleeping with O/M. There is something broken in your wife, nothing in your marriage caused her affair, she chose to do this freely. I am against separations, it's a way for your wife to test drive the other man while you wait at home as her back up. You need to show her your moving on and your not playing her game, she's all in or fire her as your wife. Start the paperwork, divorce takes time and you can stop the process anytime up until the final decree. Sometimes a wayward spouse will come out of their affair fog when they know that you are serious. The reality is you have nothing more to loose that what you have already lost, your just out of sooner and able to get on with your life. Don't be her back up, tell her that your preference is to be in the marriage but you will not be in a marriage with infidelity. Tell her your conditions for remaining in the marriage(no contact with O/M, full transparency, counselling, STD testing etc.) but in the meantime separate your finances, talk to a lawyer, get tested for STD's, implement the 180 starting today. 4
oldshirt Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Go see an attorney immeddiately to go through your options. Close all joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Let her find her maturity on her own dime not yours. File for divorce and have her served to snap her out of her cake eating life. Pack her stuff up and throw her butt out and expose her relationship to all those involved. Let's "seperate" is her way of having fun and you being plan B if it does not live up to her expectations. Cheaters use a variety of excuses to justify why they cheat and rewrite marriage history to make the affair partner seem glorious. She is in the affair fog but you cannot just sit by and let her try out her new relationship without consequences. If you don't have kids just file for divorce why save this relationship for the future given her probability of cheating. Sorry about this many of us have been there. This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
oldshirt Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 One of the things your wife will find out in the long run is that this little fairy tale she's living in is just that. This guys she's seeing is going to say and do anything he can for his tumble in bed with her and will be everything she wants him to be. That's the power of the vagina. But like everything else sooner or later the shine wears off and she starts to see that what he didn't want her to see slowly starts to come out and then this knight in shining armor is starting to rust and lose it's luster and then the bottom drops out. By then it's too late. She'll see his flaws, bad habits and warts and by then she he's not nearly the guy who she thought he was so don't let the jealous bug get you. If it was me, I wouldn't wait. I would pull the trigger on her and find a lawyer and cut her loose. Let her have the guy and you get your act together and find someone a lot better. This too ^^^^^
lolablue17 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Being nice won't get her to like you again or make her come back. She will see this as a weakness and weak men are not attractive Yes, Go to see a lawyer, and ask him to stand up for your rights TO THE LAST CENT! And when she asks you some day "Why are you so belligerent?" tell her that she is the one who prefers strong and assertive men!
eye of the storm Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 My ExH left me for his AP. She left her BS too. Both of them went from one relationship to another. Their relationship didn't last, both of them are bouncing from strange to strange. And both are still looking for someone else to make them happy. Take some time to learn about you. Heal, grieve, and grow. When you come out the other side you will be so much happier and healthier. And yes what you are going thru sucks and makes you jealous and beats at your self esteem. But it is temporary and if you go at it the right way...you will come out ahead. You will be the one going on to bigger and better things. 1
oldshirt Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 There is tons of good advice and insight below. My additional comments are in bold. She will soon find out that his sh*t stinks too. At some point she is going to try to come back even if she is still banging the OM and even if divorce is still inevitable. You need to be in the position of strength when she does. Right now she has the upper hand and you are on the ropes. you need to change that around. Please read up on the 180, you need to detach and focus on yourself This is important. you need to look up the 180 and follow it to the letter. People often think the 180 is a way to get someone back - it is not. it is a way to get back on your own feet and get control of yourself so that you are not being manipulated or keep hanging on to the illusion that all will be as it was. Talk to a lawyer, you need to protect yourself and your finances. Do this yesterday. Your wife is looking to build a nest with O/M and will take all she can from you to do so without remorse. You are in her way to happiness so don't expect her to be fair. you will see her true colors. you can not "nice" you way out of this. The only thing that will be effective is draw strong lines in the sand and stand up for yourself with strength. Being nice won't get her to like you again or make her come back. to reemphasize, you can not "nice" her back. Trying to appease or accommodate her will only screw you over faster and deeper. She will see this as a weakness and weak men are not attractive specially when she is with a predator, a POS that will pursue a married woman, an alpha male. If you give an inch she will take a mile and think you are a pussy and will try to manipulate and BS you more. Expose their affair, give her a dose of reality. Expose to her family and the OM's wife/GF, but not to your family yet. Most betrayed spouses are afraid that by doing so they will loose their spouse, what most don't realize is that their spouse is already gone so why prolong the agony? BSs often try to not rock the boat or upset their WS. This is a fool's game. The WS has already rocked the boat and upset everyone by their own actions more than anyone else ever will. They need a good dose of reality and need to feel some real-world repercussions to jar them out of their fog and fantasy world. I am against separations, it's a way for your wife to test drive the other man while you wait at home as her back up. I agree. all-in or all-out. a separation is just an opportunity for her to test-drive the OM for awhile and still have you waiting on the shelf in case things don't work out or she changes her mind. Take away her back up and safety net. You need to show her your moving on and your not playing her game, she's all in or fire her as your wife. It's not to 'show her'. It's to actually do it. Start the paperwork, divorce takes time and you can stop the process anytime up until the final decree. He who acts first usually gets the upperhand. This is your only advantage and your only asset at the moment. She is in her fog and thinks you will just be her patient little puppy dog patiently waiting for her to return while she takes her time developing her relationship with the OM. Sometimes a wayward spouse will come out of their affair fog when they know that you are serious. Correction - they come out of their fog when they experience real-world repercussions. The reality is you have nothing more to loose that what you have already lost, your just out of sooner and able to get on with your life. yep, she was gone the first time they got it on. Now it's all about protecting yourself and your assets. Don't be her back up, tell her that your preference is to be in the marriage but you will not be in a marriage with infidelity. all-in or all-out. don't give her wiggle room or gray area. Tell her your conditions for remaining in the marriage(no contact with O/M, full transparency, counselling, STD testing etc.) but in the meantime separate your finances, talk to a lawyer, get tested for STD's, implement the 180 starting today Yes. if you are considering reconciliation at all, all of those conditions are necessary for any hope of success and even that's a long shot. the only way to be in a position to negotiate that, you have to be in a position of strength and the only way to do that is to have all your ducks in a row and be prepared to walk away with as much as you can. see everything above.
DKT3 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Your wife is wrapped up in the excitement of a new relationship and thinking this guy is the answer to all the things that she feels is missing in the marriage. In time she will come back down to earth and have to deal with the emotions of the ending relationship. As Aliveagain stated, she will be back telling you it was all a mistake even if she is still seeing him. As hard as it is, you have to start moving on as a single man without her in your life. 1
thummper Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 File, brother, file!! I think when she sees you're seriously on your way out the door, her attitude might change quickly. If not, you haven't lost anything. She was leaving anyway. Get out there, find a loving FAITHFUL woman and enjoy life. She'll soon find that the new guy isn't all that great and she very well will remember how well you treated her and loved her and cared for you, but you'll have moved on and now all she'll have is regrets.
Author Sloppy19 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) Wow! Thanks for all the supportive responses! It's good to know that other people have been through this and I tuly appreciate the advice. Clearly I need to protect myself and start getting the process moving. I find the "affair fog" term to be a perfect description of what she seems like. It is very difficult to draw lines in the sand as she reacts so negatively... Like she thinks I am threatening her. But from what many of you have experienced this is a pretty common reaction to blame everyone but themselves for cheating. I know I can do it, but it is hard to hurt someone you once cared about so much. I have a follow up question that maybe you all can help with. We currently live in a house we purchased together. My wife works but I make quite a bIt more. I would like to stay in the house for awhile and fix it up either to sell or continue to live in. My wife refuses to move out as she says she has no where to go and can't afford anything on her own. I tell her that it's not my problem but she refuses to leave. Any advice for handling this situation? Also... What is the 180? Edited December 7, 2014 by Sloppy19 New question
DKT3 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Wow! Thanks for all the supportive responses! It's good to know that other people have been through this and I tuly appreciate the advice. Clearly I need to protect myself and start getting the process moving. I find the "affair fog" term to be a perfect description of what she seems like. It is very difficult to draw lines in the sand as she reacts so negatively... Like she thinks I am threatening her. But from what many of you have experienced this is a pretty common reaction to blame everyone but themselves for cheating. I know I can do it, but it is hard to hurt someone you once cared about so much. I have a follow up question that maybe you all can help with. We currently live in a house we purchased together. My wife works but I make quite a bIt more. I would like to stay in the house for awhile and fix it up either to sell or continue to live in. My wife refuses to move out as she says she has no where to go and can't afford anything on her own. I tell her that it's not my problem but she refuses to leave. Any advice for handling this situation? Also... What is the 180? Do not move out of the home for any reason 180 is for you to gain emotional distance from your wife, its really you doing your best to ignore her on an emotional level. Focus all your energy on yourself and kids if you have any. Try not to engage her about anything outside of kids again if you have them. Also with her being deep in the affair fog its a good time to move quickly through the divorce process. Her desire to be with the other guy will make her more willing to agree to things that she won't agree to once she comes out of the clouds. Moving fast doesn't mean that you can't stop the process at any point. Stay in the home, avoid her has much as you can. Invest in a voice recorder and record as many of your face to face conversations as you can. Right now she isn't the women you married, she isn't on your team and you have to treat her as such. 2
beach Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I think all those defects of character that she accused you of belong to HER, not you! Look - someone high jacked that wife you knew! She is no longer the gal you thought she was! And now is your time to stand up for yourself by saying you deserve better than that woman she HAS BECOME! She has become the cheater that doesn't acre about anyone but herself and will stop at nothing to get her own selfish needs met. Do yourself a favor and recognize that she better off eliminated from your life! Know that then you can move forward and be happy again knowing you've eliminated her selfish a$$ from your future.
lolablue17 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I have a follow up question that maybe you all can help with. We currently live in a house we purchased together. My wife works but I make quite a bIt more. I would like to stay in the house for awhile and fix it up either to sell or continue to live in. My wife refuses to move out as she says she has no where to go and can't afford anything on her own. I tell her that it's not my problem but she refuses to leave. Any advice for handling this situation? Also... What is the 180? There's a few thing you could do, due to local laws in the country you live in. Get a lawyer - Don't make those decisions by youself. 1
thummper Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Wow! Thanks for all the supportive responses! It's good to know that other people have been through this and I tuly appreciate the advice. Clearly I need to protect myself and start getting the process moving. I find the "affair fog" term to be a perfect description of what she seems like. It is very difficult to draw lines in the sand as she reacts so negatively... Like she thinks I am threatening her. But from what many of you have experienced this is a pretty common reaction to blame everyone but themselves for cheating. I know I can do it, but it is hard to hurt someone you once cared about so much. I have a follow up question that maybe you all can help with. We currently live in a house we purchased together. My wife works but I make quite a bIt more. I would like to stay in the house for awhile and fix it up either to sell or continue to live in. My wife refuses to move out as she says she has no where to go and can't afford anything on her own. I tell her that it's not my problem but she refuses to leave. Any advice for handling this situation? Also... What is the 180? Hey, I know. How 'bout she goes and stays with the "mature" guy she's so nuts over? Surely she couldn't object to that. Run that past her and see how she feels about him now! 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I would advise against increasing the value of the home before you have bought her out. If you increase the value, you will be expected to give her half of the added value in addition to the cost it was to you to add the value in the first place. It will be a bitter pill to swallow. Rightly so. 3
drifter777 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I would advise against increasing the value of the home before you have bought her out. If you increase the value, you will be expected to give her half of the added value in addition to the cost it was to you to add the value in the first place. It will be a bitter pill to swallow. Rightly so. This^^^ Don't put a penny into your house! Get in to a lawyer tomorrow and follow his instructions. Just focus on divorcing and moving on with your life. Its the best thing for both of you. 1
aliveagain Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Sloppy19, just google the 180, it's a list of behaviours designed to help you get through her infidelity(don't beg her to stay, minimize your correspondence with her to finances and children etc.). By changing your behaviour it makes you stronger and to your wayward wife stronger is attractive. The purpose of the 180 is to help you survive this with integrity it is not designed to help your wife, she has chosen her path. She gave power to the other man by choosing to have an affair with him, the 180 will give you back that power regardless of her actions. You will survive this with or without her. You can't force her to leave the home but that doesn't mean you have to share your bed with her, move her to another room. Please talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, important first step. Expose them, affairs are like mushrooms, they thrive in the dark, take away the excitement and give her a shot of reality. Cut her off from your finances, let O/M pay for her, he's the one getting the benefits. Might be wise to pick up a $50.00 voice activated recorder(Bestbuy, RadioShack or a place like that) and carry it around with you when she is with you, you wouldn't be the first husband here falsely accused of assault just to get you out of the house. She will rewrite your marriage making you out as the bad guy otherwise she has to accept that her infidelity is the real cause of your marriage failure. That won't fit with her image of herself that she is a great wife, but unfortunately cheaters lie. 2
Buckeye2 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 All separation does is give her time to f%ck the OM without guilt. Right now she is having the time of her life shopping. Which guy will be the lucky one she picks? After the excitementdies down she may decide you’re the smarter choice (i.e. more stable, more money). Then she will come back to you and you can’t complain because you were separated. Divorce her NOW. If you still want her, it’s the best way to keep her.
happyman64 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Sloppy How old are you, the wife and the OM? Any kids? HM
Recommended Posts