OLD: Don't encourage, if you're not going to respond

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have pretty much accepted the fact that some women just don't respond to emails, but....if someone goes out of their way give a man the impression that they appreciate a well thought out email by expressing this in the profile, at least have the common decency to respond.

This post was inspired by a previous http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/504771-do-women-who-old-even-care-about-having-nice-conversation-anymore

 

What kills me, in addition to that, I would see women make a lengthy dialogue like this:

 

You have actually read this profile and can message me with more than "Hi" or "Hello" or some other cheesy one liner... unless it's so cheesy it's funny!

 

Certain things stick out at me such as these statements that encourages me to send them an email as I am guessing they appreciate the work someone puts into a initial email.

But...STILL...they don't respond.

I even kind of joked at the end of the email about the lack of "Hi" or "Hello" in my own message.

 

Seriously, if you're going to encourage men to contact you IN your profile, at least have the common decency to respond.

 

I recall a woman actually saying, "If you type in <codeword> in your message to me, I'll respond, because I know you've READ my profile", but ...code word and all....nada.

[GemmaUK]

The thing you don't seem to get is that it is online 'dating'.

 

 

Men and women are looking for dates, not just someone they have a similar written level to. Men and women both need attraction in order to want to date.

 

 

It goes without saying that if she gets a well written mail from someone she is interested in and attracted to then she will respond.

 

 

If a woman does respond but isn't interested then this creates an issue later on when she has to explain she was being polite by responding but her reply was simply a polite reply and she isn't interested.

[Rydo]

Why waste people's time replying if you aren't interested? I always ignore the girls that want you to write more and just write my standard first message, if they like how I look they will reply either way and if they don't they wouldn't have replied anyway but at least I did t waste my time writing a long message.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This post was more a lead-in to how it doesn't really matter what you write that gets their attention. It doesn't even matter what is written IN the profile itself.

 

Is a woman going to say, "Well, he is bald, I usually don't date bald BUT he did write me a nicely and eloquently put email, so perhaps I'll meet him for lunch afterall.

 

Chances are, she's not.

 

I just find it ironic how they provoke men into putting together an email of substance, only to be unresponsive anyhow. If you're not interested, at least say, "Thank you for the nicely put together email, but I don't think we'd make a good match."

 

In the end, this goes to prove it's ALL moot since people just thumb through these profiles looking mostly at the pictures and very little else.

 

"...hmm...bald...short...bald...short...low income, bad shirt/shoes, etc" Most people just SCAN the important parts and stats.

 

The thing you don't seem to get is that it is online 'dating'.

 

 

Men and women are looking for dates, not just someone they have a similar written level to. Men and women both need attraction in order to want to date.

 

 

It goes without saying that if she gets a well written mail from someone she is interested in and attracted to then she will respond.

 

 

If a woman does respond but isn't interested then this creates an issue later on when she has to explain she was being polite by responding but her reply was simply a polite reply and she isn't interested.

[KatZee]

I think you're completely disregarding the one important key factor here.

 

ATTRACTION.

 

If a woman receives a message from a man she is in no way, shape, or form attracted to... do not expect a response. Period.

 

It doesn't matter what her profile says.

 

Do you REALLY think the profile text will read:

 

If you type <codeword> in your message to me I will respond because I will know you have read my profile, but ONLY if I think you're attractive.

 

Of course not.

 

And again, women are not OBLIGATED to respond to you. Do not confuse this with "common decency."

 

No matter what her profile says, no matter what YOU say, or how you feel- Women are people too. Capable of their own thought process, and decision making.

 

We are not here to sooth your ego if you've been rejected.

[GemmaUK]

This post was more a lead-in to how it doesn't really matter what you write that gets their attention. It doesn't even matter what is written IN the profile itself.

 

Is a woman going to say, "Well, he is bald, I usually don't date bald BUT he did write me a nicely and eloquently put email, so perhaps I'll meet him for lunch afterall.

 

Chances are, she's not.

 

I just find it ironic how they provoke men into putting together an email of substance, only to be unresponsive anyhow. If you're not interested, at least say, "Thank you for the nicely put together email, but I don't think we'd make a good match."

 

In the end, this goes to prove it's ALL moot since people just thumb through these profiles looking mostly at the pictures and very little else.

 

"...hmm...bald...short...bald...short...low income, bad shirt/shoes, etc" Most people just SCAN the important parts and stats.

 

No, it doesn't matter too much what a person writes as long as they're pleasant.

I read profiles and stats and look at pics but if there's things in there that don't attract me then responding would be encouragement.

 

 

Often, when you write a reply to say 'no thanks' it's seen as interest - simply because it is a reply.

That is another reason why many people don't reply.

[Art_Critic]

It takes both party's to consider each a match for contact to happen..

 

From what I remember about this issue when I was doing OLD most women start replying to ALL emails in the beginning until they find out that most of the men emailing cannot take rejection and they email nasty grams and call them names.. it's at that point women stop replying because who wants to be told they are a stuck up biotch just because they said you both are not a match...

 

Men set this issue up and pushed the ball down the hill, if there weren't so many immature men abusing women who reply but reject the results would have been different.

Edited December 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
poster had a spelling correction

[Danda]

I think maybe you should just not follow others' arbitrary orders and do what you want instead.

 

Dating should be about mutual enjoyment, attraction and effort.

 

A person who provides instructions in exchange for 'reward' is power testing. This doesn't necessarily mean they are 'bad' or controlling person (or whatever). It might just be one way they have learned to cope and filter and so on.

 

But it is healthiest for you to recognize that even if the other person seems to believe their method is helpful, they are probably mistaken without even realizing it.

 

Because even if you follow their instructions (blatant or implied), they might still look at your profile pic, go 'nah' and not respond to you. Which will leave you feeling upset because you 'played by the rules' and were hopeful for your 'reward'.

 

There is no true rules/reward system in online dating, though. If you like someone's profile, you reach out. If they like your profile, too, they respond.

 

It's probably best to do it your way (with your messages). Personally I think a few sentences is best, but this only based on my personal(subjective), individual experiences.

 

Too much effort into every message gets exhausting and deflating. Too little effort ("hey wassup") and there is no substance to which to respond.

 

But something like, "Hey noticed you like skiing, too. You have a favorite slope? Mine is ______." Doesn't take much time (low investment), keeps it lighthearted (low vulnerability for both parties) and yet gives very easy and obvious substance if they are interested and do want to respond.

 

But yeah, "Prove you read my profile and I will definitely respond" type stuff is bogus, so just don't fall for it.

 

Remember that there is silliness from both men and women online, and you could spend a lot of time trying to figure it all out. Way easier and healthier in my opinion to just do it how you want. The right person will like how you roll, anyway.

[Rydo]

You also have to remember that even average looking girls could be getting a lot of messages everyday. I wouldn't be surprised if some didn't even read them all depending on the picture of the guy who sent them.

 

Nobody is entitled to a response. Woman can and should do as they please. I've ignored my fair share of ladies for no other reason than appearance. And I don't think that's wrong.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

You have to realize that not everyone can take even a "nicely worded" rejection response. When I was OLD and used to try to respond to these type messages, 9 times out of 10 it became an argument or insults like, "Well, how much then?" I also can't tell you how many times the response was, "Well, how do you know if you don't give me a chance?" People don't want to deal with these types exchanges, so the easier thing is to just not respond at all.

[toscaroscura]

If you feel like she's rejecting you because of baldness/income/height or some other intrinsic quality of yours that you cannot change, why would you want to date her anyway?

 

Keep in mind we never REALLY know why someone rejects us. It's all just projection and guesswork. Just move on.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You have to realize that not everyone can take even a "nicely worded" rejection response. When I was OLD and used to try to respond to these type messages, 9 times out of 10 it became an argument or insults like, "Well, how much then?" I also can't tell you how many times the response was, "Well, how do you know if you don't give me a chance?" People don't want to deal with these types exchanges, so the easier thing is to just not respond at all.

 

So they tend to try to attempt to sell themselves or want you to answer, "Why makes you think we're not a match"...though they aren't being nasty, I take it they just try to argue the point?

 

Typically, I'm pretty good about honest responses when they do reply, but I recall this one woman, expressing IN her profile about this very subject. She said most of her experiences were from men trying to "talk her into it" or pose the, "Why don't you think we're a match?" argument. She then just said, "It's not up for argument, so if I don't reply, it means I'm not interested"

[Art_Critic]

I take it they just try to argue the point?

 

Till they don't get the answer they want then they insult with nastiness...

 

Why would you want to try and pressure a person who clearly doesn't think you are a match into saying you are ?

 

Isn't this really a no means no kinda deal and the men need to learn how to accept it rather than try to pressure into a different result ?

[toscaroscura]

So they tend to try to attempt to sell themselves or want you to answer, "Why makes you think we're not a match"...though they aren't being nasty, I take it they just try to argue the point?

 

Typically, I'm pretty good about honest responses when they do reply, but I recall this one woman, expressing IN her profile about this very subject. She said most of her experiences were from men trying to "talk her into it" or pose the, "Why don't you think we're a match?" argument. She then just said, "It's not up for argument, so if I don't reply, it means I'm not interested"

 

It's just...women have no way of knowing whether you'll be a guy who is cool with it and can just talk about why there's no match to gain information, or a guy who will whine and try to browbeat them. Best to just avoid the hornet's nest altogether.

 

I have sent messages to men I liked. I'd say half never responded, and the other half were guys where the conversation just petered out due to no "clicking", and a couple dates.

 

I could get all up in arms about the guys who didn't respond, like "wtf I'm a 7 and he's just a 5* how dare he I ticked all his boxes rah rah rah"....but I wasn't his cup of tea. *shrugs* Whatever. Not going to sweat it.

 

*This doesn't reflect my actual mindset, but it's what I see some people posting here!

[losangelena]

This post was more a lead-in to how it doesn't really matter what you write that gets their attention. It doesn't even matter what is written IN the profile itself.

 

Is a woman going to say, "Well, he is bald, I usually don't date bald BUT he did write me a nicely and eloquently put email, so perhaps I'll meet him for lunch afterall.

 

Chances are, she's not.

 

In the end, this goes to prove it's ALL moot since people just thumb through these profiles looking mostly at the pictures and very little else.

 

"...hmm...bald...short...bald...short...low income, bad shirt/shoes, etc" Most people just SCAN the important parts and stats.

 

 

That's not necessarily true across the board. The way you're generalizing makes it sound like you're a little butt hurt.

 

When I did OLD, I actually WAS looking at what a man said. In his profile, yes, but more in his message. 9 times out of 10, if it was well-written, thoughtful, and interesting, I'd reply. Most of the men I ended up dating were the ones who began like that.

 

Not every woman online is interested only in your looks or your cash flow. That's like saying every man out there is only interested in dating women who look like Victoria's Secret models—it's not true and it's a generalization that hurts both women and men.

 

Dating is tough, and online dating is especially hard. Concentrate on looking for women who who you're genuinely attracted to and who have common interests and values, not ones who you think you can get a response from.

[toscaroscura]

Two things come to mind:

 

First: You don't really know that all these women are just like "bald...short...NEXT!" Unless all these women have told you this personally, you are merely *assuming* this is why they passed on you. And these assumptions just so happen to reinforce your insecurities. And we all know insecurity is a turn off.

 

The reasons I haven't responded to men range from "meh" on their physical appearance, to something that just turned me off in their profiles. When I did OK Cupid, I found a lot of dealbreakers in the way a man would answer his questions.

 

The reasons were as varied as the men. And I'm positive I was under the same scrutiny myself. Such is life.

 

Second: Do you really want some woman who is lukewarm about you to "give you a chance"? Let's just assume for a moment that she really is the shallow harpy of your fantasies. Are you so desperate for a woman, any woman, that you'd want to go out with this one?? The flip side of this is when a guy having trouble online dating will say something like, "I even messaged the average/fat/ugly girls and got nothing!" First, why are YOU messaging women you don't even like, and second, do you think maybe even "ugly" women have feelings and can sense when they are just the targets of frustrated buckshot aiming to hit someone, *anyone*, to soothe the ego of the shooter?

[xxoo]

The problem, from their side, is that they are getting responses from men they would be interested in, but the responses are the "hey" "hi" type.

 

If they are not interested in a man, then no, sending a well thought out email isn't going to make a difference. You're right, the email doesn't create interest.

[GemmaUK]

In the end, this goes to prove it's ALL moot since people just thumb through these profiles looking mostly at the pictures and very little else.

 

"...hmm...bald...short...bald...short...low income, bad shirt/shoes, etc" Most people just SCAN the important parts and stats.

 

There's another something going on here I think maybe.

 

 

See, I like bald guys and I like short guys, I also don't care what income he has as long as he can pay his share if dates and pay his rent/mortgage and bills by himself.

I've never been fussed on a man's shoes either. In fact my fave shoes on a man are standard black Doc Marten shoes.

A decent shirt isn't too much to ask I don't think...?

 

 

These nasty mails that come along when I've sent polite replies - well Art Critic's first post said it all for me. I always used to reply to all mails but I got so much anger and bitterness back it put me off dating or meeting anyone.

 

 

The last time I logged into a dating site must be around 8 months ago now.

I still got nasty first mails and crude ones.

 

 

What I would also get though were mails from men who seemed pleasant initially and I was interested and responded to their mails.

Not long into mailing something would come out that was 'all women do this or that' or a passive aggressive or bitter comment.

Or, something else which happened often, he would give me the impression or even outright say so more often than not that he didn't consider that I was entitled to have an opinion on something if it didn't match his or just that my opinion was 'wrong'.

So then, that guy who I had been interested in - well I didn't want to reply to him either. *shrug*

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't care if women who are not interested don't respond, I would like, however, one woman to be interested enough to respond.

 

A second thing is that some people genuinely might overlook looks in order to make a connection with somebody who could be a good mate, mother, genuinely good person, etc. I know how this would be mind boggling for somebody who has a bevy of options of attractive people. I actually really do understand why people would not settle in the looks department. Why do so when you have all of these options, right?

 

And lastly, if you are a person who gets messages first and/or gets responses to a decent amount of the messages you send, why are you talking sh@t to somebody who maybe sends 20, 30, 40 messages and gets zero responses and never gets messages first?

 

I mean if I had a dozen or so women messaging me (no matter how attractive), and had half of my sent messages responded to, the last thing I would be doing is calling some guy who can't even get a response to any of the 40 messages he sends 'butthurt'. I mean, what kind of logic is that to attack somebody in that situation?

Edited December 7, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[toscaroscura]

The reason they get called butthurt is because they assume they know the reason the women rejected them (always shallow and without merit in his eyes) and they assume women are all shallow harpies.

 

It'd be the same if a woman getting no attention online was like "men only want blonde bimbos w DDDs they should give me a chance the bastards!" I mean really??

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

Second: Do you really want some woman who is lukewarm about you to "give you a chance"?

 

Yes, I would like that, because in person, you're into real life and actually are given a chance to present an opportunity of all the senses that don't exist online.

In fact, I knew of a situation where a guy who contacted a woman locally, who of course had ignored him online...he spotted her at a flea market (or some public place) and chatted her up.

He got her #, been a few dates with her and then he revealed that he had contacted her online some time ago. She was really floored as she said she would have never ignored him if she knew how he was in person.

Basically, chances are a woman that would not be interested in a man online, could wind up liking him in person. Body language, the senses, humor, mannerisms, etc, can thusly be demonstrated.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Dating is tough, and online dating is especially hard. Concentrate on looking for women who who you're genuinely attracted to and who have common interests and values, not ones who you think you can get a response from.

 

I've been doing that, esp. when it comes to common interests and values and I get the "Sorry, but I'm afraid we're not a good match" or just no response at all.

 

I am discerning when I find women with the same values and some rather even the most obscure interests would catch my eye. I recall a local science teacher, who was into some geeky stuff, mentioned she was old-fashioned and had conservative values. Even named off some specifics that most women I had known never to have been privy to. Only to be ignored. It used to blow my mind how even women who I'd match up with completely to only get ignored.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The reason they get called butthurt is because they assume they know the reason the women rejected them (always shallow and without merit in his eyes) and they assume women are all shallow harpies.

 

It'd be the same if a woman getting no attention online was like "men only want blonde bimbos w DDDs they should give me a chance the bastards!" I mean really??

 

Yea, so what?

 

If I was a guy who was dating women I was attracted to and had women approaching me, you think I'd be online talking sh@t to unattractive women who can't get any dates and were venting about how shallow men were? (which BTW men/people are shallow)

 

Making fun of them and making them feel even worse about the situation?

Edited December 7, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Rydo]

It will be a rare person who uses OLD to find someone they have common interests with but aren't attracted to. Its online DATING not online friendmaking. Nobody wants to settle for someone they aren't attracted to and if you are female you'll never have to because there are always more attractive options with the same interests as you around the corner.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It will be a rare person who uses OLD to find someone they have common interests with but aren't attracted to.

 

What if we have both common interests in sex? Does that count?