Jadedbyluv Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I really just need to vent. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm just horrible at dating. I don't get all the rules and do's and dont's. It's just so complicated sometimes. I try to go on dates with different people so I'm not focused on one person but it never works. I always find myself focused on one person anyway. Online dating has been the only way for me to successfully meet people. I've joined a sports league and other things but still no success meeting people anywhere else. There is one thing that really bothers me. One being honesty. I've noticed in online dating especially people want someone who is honest because they're honest and blah blah blah. But sometimes they turn out to be really dishonest. For example, I was talking to a guy for a few weeks on the phone and via text before we actually went on our first date. Most excited I've been for a date in a long time. I told him I was a bit nervous bc I was afraid that what we had going wouldn't translate in person. He said if he wasn't interested, he would let me know regardless. So we go on our date finally and I think we have a great time. It ended with a good night kiss and plans to see each other again. Up to that point, he was contacting me every day. He would always send me cute good morning texts or just to see how my work day was going. Now communication has all but stopped. So I assume that it wasn't what he was expecting which is fine but at least just let me know. Don't talk about how honest and upfront you are but just ignore me. It happens to me quite frequently it seems. I can't help but wonder if it's me sometimes. I take it so personally. 1
angel.eyes Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Meet sooner! You're building up a fantasy and becoming emotionally invested by engaging with someone for a long time before meeting. That's why you're heading into the first date with expectations. That's why you're so disappointed when things don't work out. Most first dates on OLD will be one-and-dones. Great guy, but no chemistry. Chemistry is determined in person. And they are being honest. Not contacting you again = not interested. Unfortunately, we don't get to dictate how people reject us. Simply recognize it and move on to other opportunities. 1
Author Jadedbyluv Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Meet sooner! You're building up a fantasy and becoming emotionally invested by engaging with someone for a long time before meeting. That's why you're heading into the first date with expectations. That's why you're so disappointed when things don't work out. Most first dates on OLD will be one-and-dones. Great guy, but no chemistry. Chemistry is determined in person. And they are being honest. Not contacting you again = not interested. Unfortunately, we don't get to dictate how people reject us. Simply recognize it and move on to other opportunities. We actually would have met sooner but I went away for Thanksgiving which made it difficult to meet up until that point. I get the no contact = not interested but we talked about a second date. And he told me one of his biggest pet peeves is when people do something like that and stop responding so I don't know why he would in turn do it to me. He claimed to be such an honest person so just say you don't think a second date is really going to work out instead of agreeing to another date.
losangelena Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Sounds like he doth protest too much. Of course everyone values honesty, but few are actually good at being honest. I'm sorry this happened. I agree with the other poster that it's probably best to meet sooner, but in a case like this where that's not possible, I would try and keep the communication to a minimum. It's easy to think that a sweet good morning text means something (like how saying honesty is important means something), but so often these little "signifiers of importance" don't add up to anything. Genuine interest and real compatibility take time to develop. Next time, wait and invest yourself emotionally until you get a chance to see what the guy does AFTER you meet. Is he consistent? Does he escalate? Is he taking his time? Great, green light. If not, keep your guard up a bit so don't come away from something like this again.
angel.eyes Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Sorry, but two relative strangers talking about a second date is not a promise of second date. When he discusses detailed logistics with you...exact date, time, specific location, particular activity, etc. then you can expect a second date. If that's not happening, there's no interest. Again, you became too emotionally invested before you met. That's why you have all these unfounded expectations of a perfect stranger's character and how he'll convey disinterest after a first date. That's why you're so upset that it's not progressing beyond a first date and feel he's reneging on some expected promise of yours. If a perfect stranger walked up to you and tried to sell you a bridge, would you expect to own a bridge if you gave him cash? If a stranger asked for your address and keys, and promised not to steal anything would you give these to him and expect to find all your valuables untouched? So, why are you buying a random stranger's promise that he'll treat you a certain way? Why are you investing emotionally and putting your heart on the line for someone you really don't know? Leave your expectations at the door until you know something about the person's character. Trust should be earned, not given away haphazardly just because the person says the right words before and during a first date.
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