Don't know if we're broken up because he's ignoring me..

[cetazo]

Long story short, dated someone for 7 years (we are in mid 20's, I am his first girlfriend). Have been fighting frequently for the past year. Fought on the phone, and he hung up. I called back, he hung up again. That happened 3 weeks ago, and I haven't contacted him since because he has done this before and I am sick of being disrespected. The last time it happened though, I called him back after 2 weeks and told him to meet me, and we got back together after an emotional conversation.

 

Should I assume we're done? He has changed his fb password and profile pic of us since, and I've deleted my fb account entirely. I love and care about this person but it's evident that our relationship is at a different place right now. The first time he did this (which was about 9 months ago), I was so heartbroken for those 2 weeks that I physically felt ill. This time though, I'm more emotionally blunted. I've gone through it before so this time I'm SOO much stronger. The heartbreak is not as intense, but the mental obsession/compulsion is still there.

 

What I need to know is, should I move on and expect not to be contacted by him at this point i.e. should I change numbers etc. and never look back? I refuse to initiate contact this time because I can't keep feeling like I'm a doormat in this relationship, but at the same time we've been together for 7 years and it feels so odd that we would break up like this.

[idoltree]

What I need to know is, should I move on and expect not to be contacted by him at this point i.e. should I change numbers etc. and never look back? I refuse to initiate contact this time because I can't keep feeling like I'm a doormat in this relationship, but at the same time we've been together for 7 years and it feels so odd that we would break up like this.

 

You should do what is right for you. Personally, I think that someone giving you the silent treatment to this degree is not something that you should allow. And by "allow", I don't mean chasing after him to talk to you, I mean saying "I deserve better than this. Goodbye to him."

 

What he does - ignoring you - is a power trip on his part. He takes away communication in order to rip security away from you and show you your "place" in his world. It is emotionally abusive behavior and you should not stay with someone who thinks it is okay to treat you like this. If he didn't want to be with you, if he didn't want to argue anymore, all it would take is a few short sentences from him, but he won't even give you that.

 

You deserve better than this. If I may, it sounds like this guy is just a habit for you if you've been together since you were teenagers. Somewhere along the way your relationship turned toxic, and neither of you have enough dating experience to see that and to learn how to communicate like mature adults. (Of course, I recognize that you could do this, but if he's not receptive then it won't work.)

 

As someone with relationship experience, I can tell you there is more out there for you. You're just used to this guy, but he's not right for you. Someone who is right for you will not cut you off and give you the silent treatment.

 

Move on. You make the call for yourself that this is over. If he cuts off communication, that's all you need to know.

 

Now, be forewarned that someone with his immature communication skills may do something like this to avoid having to make a decision and be the bad guy. He may be leaving the door open for the future by not ever saying "it's over." It's cowardly, and another show of disrespect for you.

 

But still, even if he's doing that, you shouldn't take him back. You two are trapped in toxicity and you'll never learn to treat each other well without experience as adults dating other adults. Open your heart to the very real possibility that there are other guys out there for you, and go out, meet them, and have fun. I guarantee that once you find one who treats you well, you'll look back at this relationship and wonder what you were thinking.

[Dontfindme]

Move on - people who resort to these tactics (the silent treatment) have, in my experience, a habit of returning to them over and over again; and will use it against you.

 

You may end up resolving this again, with YOUR efforts - but then, you should be asking yourself "Why isn't he invested in the relationship, enough, to have done so himself?" "How can he be okay with letting things just go - without any real conclusion?" Clearly, he doesn't care.

 

It's just extremely disrespectful to you - and a 7 year-long history is not worth getting disrespected over.

[elaine567]

The silent treatment is a well known tactic in emotional abuse, he is punishing you. YOU did wrong in his eyes and you need punished. He is in control, as he can decide to speak to you or not, you are helpless.

If you go running he may or may not take you back right away, you may need to prove yourself or HE may decide to forgive you.

Any healthy relationship ending can mean a break up and the resulting NC, but in this case there is no talk of "this isn't working let's split", the silent treatment is childish and toxic.

 

Even if you do decide to initiate contact this time, he will just get worse as he knows it works to keep you under control.

 

Should I assume we're done? He has changed his fb password and profile pic of us since, and I've deleted my fb account entirely.

 

This worries me, not because he has locked down his FB, but because you deleted your own FB account.

Put it back up loud and proud, show him you are not some little woman grieving for him, you are a woman in your own right, an individual who has as much right to a FB profile as anyone else, do not block him and do not request him to be your friend either.

Keep quite a bit of your timeline and account private for friends only, so he is left guessing as to what you are really doing.

But keep uploading some trivia or even better some photos of you out, onto the public version of the timeline, so he knows you are active.

[cetazo]

It's been such a ****ty morning. I thought I was emotionally strong but when it hits, it's excruciating. I keep asking myself where I went wrong. I keep asking myself if I pushed him to do this to me.

 

idoltree, it is definitely emotionally abusive behavior and your reply made me cry. I actually don't think he does it on purpose or consciously though, I would hate to vilify him like that, BUT objectively, some of the crap that he has done is very abusive.

 

Dontfindme, your totally right. Throughout our whole relationship, I was always the first person to call back after a fight. I was also ways the first person to open up communication, even when it was his fault. I'm done with that. There's only so much a person can take.

 

elaine, I also debated keeping my fb profile or not for the reasons you mentioned...I didn't want him to have that power over me. But I decided to delete it because I just don't want to play mind games. I don't care if he knows I'm hurt enough to delete my fb, because it's true. And truthfully, I don't care about anyone on my fb anyways lol. Just a bunch of people I haven't talked to in years.

 

Part of me wants to message him. Not to ask him back, but to thank him for the memories, let him know I loved him, but that we both need to move on. I think that if a relationship that was good were to end, that's how it should have ended. But the other part of me knows that if I were to send him that message, it would be unfair to me. Unfair that yet again, I contacted him...not because of pride or anything like that, but because I don't know if he's deserving of a civil response. I feel so wronged right now and so conflicted. Some days I feel dark and depressed and some days I want to forgive and forget for the sake of my happiness.

[Dontfindme]

It's been such a ****ty morning. I thought I was emotionally strong but when it hits, it's excruciating. I keep asking myself where I went wrong. I keep asking myself if I pushed him to do this to me.

 

idoltree, it is definitely emotionally abusive behavior and your reply made me cry. I actually don't think he does it on purpose or consciously though, I would hate to vilify him like that, BUT objectively, some of the crap that he has done is very abusive.

 

Dontfindme, your totally right. Throughout our whole relationship, I was always the first person to call back after a fight. I was also ways the first person to open up communication, even when it was his fault. I'm done with that. There's only so much a person can take.

 

elaine, I also debated keeping my fb profile or not for the reasons you mentioned...I didn't want him to have that power over me. But I decided to delete it because I just don't want to play mind games. I don't care if he knows I'm hurt enough to delete my fb, because it's true. And truthfully, I don't care about anyone on my fb anyways lol. Just a bunch of people I haven't talked to in years.

 

Part of me wants to message him. Not to ask him back, but to thank him for the memories, let him know I loved him, but that we both need to move on. I think that if a relationship that was good were to end, that's how it should have ended. But the other part of me knows that if I were to send him that message, it would be unfair to me. Unfair that yet again, I contacted him...not because of pride or anything like that, but because I don't know if he's deserving of a civil response. I feel so wronged right now and so conflicted. Some days I feel dark and depressed and some days I want to forgive and forget for the sake of my happiness.

 

Something similar happened with my first relationship - there was no definitive end. We just stopped talking, and it took me forever to get over him because I was holding on, expecting him to come back.

 

So now, I'm usually the one to reach out when a relationship ends - but that talk signifies that it is over. It helps kill all hope for reconciliation.

 

In your case, with your long history, it may help to cut the rope, completely, with a short message letting him know that you're done. However, I'm speaking from my experience - if you feel like you can move on, and heal without that exchange, then more power to you. I wish I could be as resilient.

[KatZee]

After 7 years together, this is what he thinks you're worth? Just ignoring you for weeks? After so many years invested together, one would think you deserved a bit more respect than this.

 

Who knows if your relationship is over from his perspective. What you should instead be thinking is: "The relationship is over from MY end."

 

It doesn't matter where he thinks things stand right now. This should be completely unacceptable to you and while yes, emotional abusers tend to punish and think they hold all the power, but they really don't.

 

You're free and clear to see him for what he is, and to walk away on your own. No words spoken to him.

[Art_Critic]

I would consider ignoring like that broken up....

[writergal]

The silent treatment is definitely a form of emotional abuse. No ifs, ands or buts, about it. And it's not something anyone should have to endure during a relationship.

 

People who stonewall you with the silent treatment after an argument are extremely immature, selfish and have TERRIBLE communication skills, which you can probably tie to their parents and family, because that's where we all learn how to communicate with each other.

 

Usually, people who resort to the silent treatment as a form of control, do it because they feel scared, insecure, and powerless. That's no reason to justify such emotional abuse of another person, because when the stonewallers do it, they're sending the message to the other person, "I don't value you. You don't deserve to be treated with respect."

 

Worst advice on how to respond to the silent treatment is: apologize, wait it out, break up with that person.

 

Why? Because none of those things fixes the problem with the stonewaller. It doesn't change their behavior. All it does is end the relationship. But the problems don't go away.

 

If you want to stay in a relationship with him you need to: stop apologizing and reaching out to him first, acknowledge to him that there are problems in the relationship that you both need to work on fixing together, and break the cycle of the silent treatment.

 

You can break the silent treatment cycle by not participating in it anymore. That's the ony way to get him to stop doing that. It's very difficult to pull off but it can be done.

 

Since your boyfriend has stonewalled you before, 9 months ago when you had a huge fight, he did it to try to regain control over you and the relationship. I don't know if your boyfriend is a narcissist, or if he is the type of person who enjoys manipulating you and other people, but he could be that way.

 

People who stonewall deeply fear confrontation and conflict with another person. They use the silent treatment as a way to escape the fear that comes with confrontation and conflict.

 

It provides them with the emotional distance they think they need to regain their composure, to control the other person whom they view as a threat to their well-being (even when they love that other person). Then they come back to you, acting calm and rational which is just crazy-making behavior! Because a calm and rational person does not need to resort to the silent treatment.

 

People who receive the silent treatment make the mistake of blaming or criticizing the person who gives the silent treatment. I dated a guy who always gave me the silent treatment and even would disappear when we'd argue, which wasn't even about major things. Just anything.

 

And it didn't help when I would react to his silent treatment by acknowledging to him how his silent treatment made me feel. Because when I'd tell him, "when you give me the silent treatment it makes me feel like you don't care," he'd use that against me as a reason to keep giving me the silent treatment, because my feedback of "don't do that anymore" he interpreted at criticism and blaming. So it backfired every time.

 

I think the best way to deal with someone who gives you the silent treatment is to first stop trying to mind-read what he's thinking. You have no idea what he's thinking. And it doesn't matter if you did know because you can't control him and stonewallers cannot be controlled (no one can, really). Also, don't apologize to him for his silent treatment of you. This is important.

 

Don't apologize to him for his behavior. That just proves to him that he's right and that you're wrong, and whatever issue you argued about, doesn't get resolved.

 

So instead of apologizing, show him empathy by telling him that you know he's upset and that you're willing to work together on an issue, but not alone. If he wants you to consider his feelings, not conceding (not apologizing), but just acknowledging that there is a problem you both need to resolve, will help to break the cycle of emotional abuse / the silent treatment. And you need to be consistent for it to work.

 

In addition to an ex-boyfriend who gave me the silent treatment, I had a friend who resorted to that tactic whenever we'd disagree about something. I tried repeatedly to break the cycle of emotional abuse but essentially had to end the friendship because she refused to change. It's who she is at her core, and that may be the way your boyfriend is too. He may refuse to change the way he communicates with you and if that's the case, then yes, I think ending the relationship with him is the last resort and the best option.

 

Since it's your first real relationship, it can serve as an example of what 7 years of emotional abuse can look like, and a warning to you to avoid men like him in the future. You don't have to put up with the silent treatment. There are people out there who don't resort to that when conflict and confrontation happens. It's just hard to find those people, because I think most fall back on the silent treatment as a common way to resolve the conflicts in their relationships which I think is immature and lame.

[elaine567]

Part of me wants to message him. Not to ask him back, but to thank him for the memories, let him know I loved him, but that we both need to move on. I think that if a relationship that was good were to end, that's how it should have ended. But the other part of me knows that if I were to send him that message, it would be unfair to me. Unfair that yet again, I contacted him...not because of pride or anything like that, but because I don't know if he's deserving of a civil response. I feel so wronged right now and so conflicted. Some days I feel dark and depressed and some days I want to forgive and forget for the sake of my happiness.

 

Don't, you will either be tricked into another few weeks/months until he does the same again to you, or he will leave you hanging again, this time wondering if he is ever going to answer your text/email and more weeks will go by with you on tenterhooks...

Let sleeping dogs lie and start moving on today, people who play games with other's emotions don't deserve such messages.

[idoltree]

It's been such a ****ty morning. I thought I was emotionally strong but when it hits, it's excruciating. I keep asking myself where I went wrong. I keep asking myself if I pushed him to do this to me.

 

idoltree, it is definitely emotionally abusive behavior and your reply made me cry. I actually don't think he does it on purpose or consciously though, I would hate to vilify him like that, BUT objectively, some of the crap that he has done is very abusive.

 

Sweetie, I'm older than you but I just got out of a relationship where the guy thought the silent treatment was a valid way to conduct himself. I saw what he was doing, thought "hm, someone needs to feel in control of the relationship" and let him have have control. But I also refused to chase him and I refused to let it get to me.

 

As a result, given that his tactics didn't work, he started to make progress. He still felt the need to bolt when we'd argue, and still felt the need to distance himself from me, but he'd work himself out of it. He recognized it as a problem.

 

So we continued, I let him feel in control, and guess who bolted right when we were about to further our commitment to one another? Guess who gave me the silent treatment and then broke up with me a week later with a one-line email? Yeah.

 

Someone who uses the silent treatment will always resort to it. I second writergal that they learned it from somewhere, and they need to unlearn it before they can have a happy successful relationship. My ex's mother punishes people via the silent treatment. Interestingly, he understands how painful it is to be on the receiving end, but has never gotten counseling for how he was treated. Hurt people hurt people.

 

In the interim, I've also realized my part in what happened. I did tend to criticize him more than I'm comfortable with (though one might wonder whether the chicken or the egg came first.) I've really examined that facet of myself because I don't want to get caught in that cycle in my next relationship.

 

It all really hurts, because I loved my ex like no other. And when we weren't arguing, he was so loving toward me. He introduced me to his friends and family and wasn't afraid of talking about our future together. And that's why I put up with what I put up with. When it came down to it, it was all just talk and I should have walked away from him a long time ago.

 

Just want you to feel not-so-alone. Even when you've got some relationship experience under your belt, these things can still be confusing. In the future, if a guy gives you the silent treatment, do not chase him. Use the time to examine your actions, and if you played a part in getting things to that point and improve yourself.

 

And if you work things out, tell him that was his one strike at cutting you off, and you will not work through things with him if he does it again. Giving him space is okay, punishing you is not. If he needs time to recover from conflict, he needs to let you know that and not abandon you as a way to punish you. A "I need a couple of days to process what happened" is considerate and allows him to calm down.

[Standard-Fare]

Well, first off, I think the silent treatment is a really sh*tty/sad way to end a seven-year relationship, but I also think you're contributing to this. You're both playing silent treatment with each OTHER, aren't you?

 

At this point, though, I wonder what would be achieved or improved by forcing communication. It seems pretty clear that the relationship has turned sour, and you guys at the very least need a long break from each other. I imagine if you tried to meet up to have a conversation about this, it would just explode into more fighting and do very little to heal your heartbreak.

[amaysngrace]

If he won't communicate with you and changed his FB settings it's over.

 

Now you're free to be with someone who at least has the decency to properly break up with you rather than just leaving you hangin.

 

Who does that?

[elaine567]

Loads of videos on Youtube re the silent treatment.

It can be soul destroying and is a particularly damaging form of abuse.

It is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

Do NOT believe he doesn't know what he is doing, he knows exactly what he is doing.

 

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=the+silent+treatment

[newlyborn]

my heart really goes out to you here. the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

 

my ex would do it to me, and i would have no idea why. he would just stop responding to me, stop initiating or responding to my contact. and, while i would wait it out, i would sometimes feel physical pain. it was just so awful. mostly, i didn't understand how he could live with himself knowing he was ignoring his girlfriend for days and sometimes weeks. when he would come back, he would behave as if nothing was wrong.

 

i became so nervous and insecure in that relationship, and i felt ashamed of every single need i had - for a quick text, a hug, a conversation. it was awful. i can't advise you here because i don't know if this guy actually intends to break up. all i can say is that, if you can see your way clear of this relationship, you should get out of it. there are lots of people who could never ever do this to someone they claimed to love.

[stillafool]

I've always considered the silent treatment as a break up. Alot of people do not have the guts to verbally tell you it's over so they use no contact as a way for you to get the hint. I've always taken the hint straight away and move forward to healing. Usually after a long time not hearing from you they will get in touch for whatever reason and by that time you should be strong enough to tell them where to shove it.

 

Don't contact him show him that you got the message LOUD & CLEAR this time.

[elaine567]

I've always considered the silent treatment as a break up.

 

Silent treatment is not only associated with breakups, it is a form of emotional abuse.

NC after breakups is not the same as the silent treatment.

 

It is only silent treatment here, because there was no "break up" as such, he has not ended the relationship like a normal person would, nor is he giving both time to calm down after a falling out.

He is using NC to punish the OP, as he has done in the past and that is what makes this the silent treatment.

[cetazo]

I have no desire to get back with this person anymore. But right now I feel tempted to email him. NOT to ask for him back, or in hopes he would get back together with me. But I have a strong urge to tell him that he is a terrible person. Not in an angry way, but as a statement of fact. Because I hope he doesn't go around thinking in some ****ed up way that it was ME, that I was the one at fault. Because no, factually, he is terrible for doing this. And I hope that he realizes what a terrible human being he actually is.

 

Should I email? Thoughts? I don't want to email 6 months later, I was thinking since it has been a month that maybe it won't look pathetic on my end? I just want to tell him he's ****ty and explain objectively why that's true. That's all.

[cetazo]

Well, first off, I think the silent treatment is a really sh*tty/sad way to end a seven-year relationship, but I also think you're contributing to this. You're both playing silent treatment with each OTHER, aren't you?

 

He had done this to me before where I basically called him for days straight and he picked up and hung up on me. The last time we fought, I called back once and he did the same. I won't be repeating that again.

[Elle1975]

Should I email? Thoughts? I don't want to email 6 months later, I was thinking since it has been a month that maybe it won't look pathetic on my end? I just want to tell him he's ****ty and explain objectively why that's true. That's all.

 

Call, if anything, but I wouldn't count on getting closure from him. Judging by his behavior, he's not going to give you what you want.

[elaine567]

I have no desire to get back with this person anymore. But right now I feel tempted to email him. NOT to ask for him back, or in hopes he would get back together with me. But I have a strong urge to tell him that he is a terrible person. Not in an angry way, but as a statement of fact. Because I hope he doesn't go around thinking in some ****ed up way that it was ME, that I was the one at fault. Because no, factually, he is terrible for doing this. And I hope that he realizes what a terrible human being he actually is.

 

Should I email? Thoughts? I don't want to email 6 months later, I was thinking since it has been a month that maybe it won't look pathetic on my end? I just want to tell him he's ****ty and explain objectively why that's true. That's all.

 

Don't, just don't. He is doing this deliberately, he knows what he is doing, he wants to see you squirm. Emailing him gives him back some power.

What if he doesn't reply to your email?

You spend another month waiting for him to answer...

What if he hooks you back in again with some well chosen words and 6 months later he again doles out the silent treatment and you are in the same state again?

He has history here, you are better moving on.