tuxedo cat Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) Guys, I need help. None of what I write here I write here is an exaggeration. I wish it were. It's an understatement to say that I've been terribly lonely since I moved to NY a year ago. It's gotten to a point where I'm entertaining some dark thoughts. Lately, every time I'm in a situation where minimal effort would result in death -- jumping in front of an oncoming train or car -- I find myself calculating how painful and fast it would be. I don't say this for attention but because I'm legitimately worried about myself. Therapy isn't an option without health insurance. I've looked into alternatives to no avail. Since moving here I haven't dated...not really. Dating as in going out to dinner and movie with a stranger. I think I only did that with one guy who I met by chance and that was over six months ago. I also haven't managed to make any friends, aside from one who moved away months ago and my ex-roommate but things are complicated between us. I'm more alone than I've ever been. The truth is I haven't made any real effort beyond the connections that have fallen into my lap. I know I could do things. I could join tinder, or some other dating site, or go to meetups. But I'm scared sh-tless because most interactions I've had with other people in this city have been sad and awkward. Within my smart circle of influence (work/roommate), I've tried to reach out to people, but have been pretty much rejected across the board. I don't understand why. I'm a nice person. At my internship, for example, the girls I work with treat me as if I'm a social pariah. The nicest among them makes the occasional friendly gesture but it has a pitiful air, like she's throwing a bone to some tragic spinster. My self esteem has never been lower and this is part of why I'm afraid to get out there. But how do I feel better about myself without connecting to others? Furthermore I'm running out of time. I'm 31. I don't have time to wait to find myself. Here are the troubling thoughts that make me want to hide from the world: 1) It's hard for me to believe any guy would want to date me when people here don't even want to associate with me. 2) I don't believe I'm attractive anymore. I was cute when I moved here but NY has not been kind to me. The stress has left its mark on my face. This city is pulverizing me. There was a time when I got a lot of attention from guys. Even when I moved here I did. But now I just seem to be invisible. 3) I feel so much shame about my life. I feel ashamed of having no friends here. I feel ashamed that at 31 I'm working as an assistant at the bottom of the industry. I feel ashamed that I live in a dingy basement apartment with no furniture because that's all I can afford. 4) I don't believe I have anything to offer anymore. I've always led a quiet existence but I used to do a few more things -- read, write. Since moving here all I think about is survival...working and money, where to find work. Even when I'm not working, I'm working. I spend all of my free time working because it's a way of distracting myself from feeling. I have trouble carrying a conversation these days. How do you answer basic questions like what you did over the weekend, when the answer is I bummed around my apartment eating cereal? I didn't used to feel this way. There was a time where I felt I had things to offer despite my flaws. This city induces a lot of shame. About 30% percent of the people you encounter are rich, beautiful, and successful, but what's worse is the rest are faking it and will only associate with other people who are faking it. I don't have the skill or inclination to pretend. I just never thought NY would be this bad. I know all the stereotypes but I didn't expect the reality to be even worse. I remember visiting it as a kid and it being more fun and down to earth. It's changed. I became aware of how unhappy I was when I went home for the holidays. I remembered how nice it was to sleep in a soft bed, to have access to basic amenities, and to have people around who love and appreciate me. That's the first time in my life I've actually enjoyed going home so it must be pretty bad here. But moving isn't an option if I want a career in this field (which I do). The only other option for my career would be LA and that is thousands of miles away from my family (in Boston). Plus it comes with its own problems. Please no "if you feel bad about yourself it shows." I know. But I can't just build confidence from nothing. And I suck at faking it. So how do I get out of this funk and face the fears I listed above? I'm hoping I could spur myself into action with your help. Maybe this could become a journal of sorts of my dating adventures. Help. Edited December 7, 2014 by tuxedo cat
preraph Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Get out of NY. It eats some people alive. You can't expect to be attracting dates when you are this emotionally out of whack. NY is the most expensive place to live, or at least in the top 3. Unless you are a shark with all kinds of opportunity, it's not practical. Go somewhere you can handle and take a job you don't find stressful and then get in therapy and get to the bottom of all these myriad of self-esteem issues. You need help! Good luck.
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Get out of NY. It eats some people alive. You can't expect to be attracting dates when you are this emotionally out of whack. NY is the most expensive place to live, or at least in the top 3. Unless you are a shark with all kinds of opportunity, it's not practical. Go somewhere you can handle and take a job you don't find stressful and then get in therapy and get to the bottom of all these myriad of self-esteem issues. You need help! Good luck. I can't move. I would have to give up my career if I did. I need to find a way of making it work here.
mario_C Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Hi TC, all I can tell you is don't hold yourself to impossible standards. It's OK to not have a great job or apartment at your age in NY - everyone is struggling up the ladder and it's frustrating. But it gets better. What career are you going for? Who do you want to be? Know the answers to these questions, and stay focused every day on that. The ones who make it here in NY survive by hanging onto those answers. And the shallow people are annoying, so avoid them like herpes as much as you can. And do not brush off the suicidal thoughts. Do whatever you can to get help - does your employer offer insurance? Can you afford your own insurance? What about group therapy? That would be awkward, but it may help to know first hand that you are not alone and to talk with others about your pain. Who knows, you might make real friends. 1
Dallers Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) Like the other people have said you have moved into the war-zone which is NY and it is only for those capable of making ridiculous amounts of money it is no place for confidence or self-esteem issues. You need to decide on career vs life as money is not as important as living or your health. Clearly after 1 year it does not agree with you. You can try all the usual ways to date online, agencies etc but doubt any will make a difference you need to realise this has happened since you moved there... Edited December 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
gaius Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Tux, you really need to see someone and at least get some anti-depressants. If you're not making much money there's a good chance you can get some form of low cost health insurance through Obamacare that will cover that kind of thing. You don't need to pay for full blown therapy. Have you checked the exchanges at all? =/ Ask your parents for help if you could use it. The only other real option is to give up your ambition and move home. Because no career path is worth driving yourself into that level of depression over. 2
StalwartMind Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 It would be a good start if you open your mind to some alternative thinking, granted this wont necessarily mean it'll be easy or improve your situation at the pace you would prefer. We always have options, but as with most things we limit ourselves, because of whatever reason we feel the strongest need to apply to the specific situation. You could move, but there is no guarantee things will be better in LA or even closer to home. Also even if you did move it will present you with new issues, and it is like that no matter where we are. I'm sure most of the reasons you doubt any guy would date you, find you attractive, your feelings of shame and that you have nothing to offer anyone, is because you base your ideas after what is perceived as the acceptable social standard in most modern places. You say you suck at faking it and don't have the inclination to pretend. Well guess what you don't have to and why would you. If something feels so far from your core personality, don't try to fool yourself in order to just fit it. That doesn't mean you have to be a social outcast, just means you are sensible enough to go about things your own way. Not everyone on this planet judges others by their social status, achievements and where they are in life at a certain age. You probably feel you should be in a better place and much further ahead, but these things can happen for people at very different times. While you say you don't have time to wait for yourself, it actually is pretty vital you do figure yourself out. What on earth is the point of just living a life that you can't reflect back on and feel some sense of happiness and that it brought you joy. If you can strengthen your own mentality and liberate yourself from what others may think of you, which has a negative influence on your life and daily day. Then you will be on the right path to improving your current state. For starters, it's entirely possible to find a good friend in so many places these days, you just need to have the willingness to look and open your eyes. Even if you feel like it's a struggle to carry a conversation, someone right can bring forth all the abilities and qualities you have that lie dormant within you. With your self esteem at an all time low, if I was you I'd allow myself the possibility to look anywhere, to find someone who is capable of understanding and relating, be it a friend or partner. It can be really vital to have someone who can and wants to listen to you. I'm well aware that our physical and mental needs are all different, but the more one limit oneself, the harder everything in life becomes. There is no shame in being in the current state you find yourself in, regardless of what others will tell you. Even if you doubt what you could possible offer another human currently, don't underestimate the ability in others to bring out the best in you. It's also very easy to lose hope in things but that's where you need to remind yourself that you can make a change if you sincerely desire it. I get it's great if everything could happen instantly, but some things just take time, whether we like it or not. Some people find their inner strength at an early age, some at an age much older than yours. You can build up your confidence again but you need to remember that it's a process, sometimes one that requires small baby steps. For some people it helps setting themselves goals, no matter how small they'll be, as long as you accomplish them, you are doing something. The next time someone asks you anything, answer it with an open mind, you never know the response you might get. Your conversation if you had run into me could of gone like this: ** StalwartMind: "What you did over the weekend" tuxedo cat: "I bummed around my apartment eating cereal" StalwartMind: "Oh yeah? Do you master your fundamental movement skills while you eat or are you clumsy like me. *Shows a big blue mark for having walked into table edge twice during the same weekend* tuxedo cat: "I think I'm a tad better than you when it comes to navigating my own apartment" StalwartMind: "That's entirely possible, I don't always pay attention to where I move, it can be a problem when you tower a certain height. Glad I'm not taller than I am or my entire place could be a hazardous zone" ** Now of course as silly, pointless, funny as the conversation may be or could develop into, if you have a pretty easy going, calm personality, it's possible to spawn interesting conversations about anything with anyone. It doesn't really matter if what you say fall into most people's taste, at some point you're bound to find someone that will not think ill of anything you say. I most certainly find it helpful to be of that opinion, and with that said, even if you have nothing to say, there's bound to be something that you'd like to talk about eventually. Anyway small talk can be a hit or miss, but having an open mind to see the potential in anyone and anything, is quite the superb luxury. 2
veggirl Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 You are in the film industry is that right? Isn't there a compromise where you'd be doing what you at least LIKE but not in NY? Like working for a news station or something like that? What are your chances of "making it" in your industry in NY? I don't say that to sound rude, I'm genuinely curious if this is an industry where as long as you work hard, you'll make it...or is it going to involve a lot of luck and connections? I mean WILL you make it? I think you need to weigh these things.
Danda Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I've never been to NYC / NY but I have heard from several people that its atmosphere is rather different from what I'd consider normal, and it would probably even be really depressing to me. Is it possible you're out of your element? Browsing the other comments right now, looks like I am not the only person who considered this aspect. I grew up in a very small town in the middle of a bunch of cornfields. It was the sort of atmosphere where everyone talks to each other and everything is slowed down. Introverts like myself thrived in spite of our low self-esteem and shyness, because everything was slow, easy and relaxed in general. People were relaxed and not in a hurry. People were also often terribly bored, which had a tendency to lead to more communication and friendships. As an older teenager my family moved to Detroit, and that was a huge culture shock for me. People seemed crabbier, more stressed, more wrapped up in themselves. Everything felt objective-focused. You go to the store to get a gallon of milk, try not to get flipped off in the parking lot, don't talk to anyone and get the **** out. People on the sidewalk didn't smile and nod at each other or anything. I am pretty sure I didn't talk to anyone for months at a time after we moved. People were struggling and poor, but the mood was different. I grew up poor with other poor people, but there was a sense that "this is just how we live" and it was okay, almost comfortable. In Detroit it was like a post-apocalyptic mood and everyone seemed depressed and cynical as all hell. I think maybe a lot of it had to do with the 'class' gap (or whatever one would call it). Where I grew up there were no wealthy people and so no comparing, no rat racing and no actually feeling like one was struggling in any way. In Southeast Michigan it was very different. There's a middle class but mostly it's wealthy people and poor people. It creates a very different feeling. But even then I'm not sure. I spent some time in Southern California, as well, as a very poor person, and talk about economic divides, holy ****. Yet I made a ton of friends and other poor people were generally extremely friendly and relaxed. There was very little if any judging, and people who were extremely different from each other in many ways would still hang out together and have a good time. It was really neat. As far as dating might go: The atmospheres were all very different in that sense, too. For example I almost never got hit on in Southeast Michigan. In Southern California I got hit on every day, often multiple times a day. Like the men there were more sensual and appreciative, way less focused on cookie cutter ideals. More focused on experiencing packages than trying to pick a package out, basically. So yeah, I must agree that it's very possible that NY is simply not a good place for you and you might thrive emotionally and socially way better somewhere else. Sometimes it's only a little bit about you, and a lot more about the people around you. So don't automatically blame yourself or try to force yourself to be someone you're not. Sometimes you gotta say **** 'em and go find your people. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Tux, you really need to see someone and at least get some anti-depressants. If you're not making much money there's a good chance you can get some form of low cost health insurance through Obamacare that will cover that kind of thing. You don't need to pay for full blown therapy. Have you checked the exchanges at all? =/ Ask your parents for help if you could use it. The only other real option is to give up your ambition and move home. Because no career path is worth driving yourself into that level of depression over. Thanks Gaius. What exchanges? I have research healthcare on my tomorrow to do list. I've done it before but want to do a more thorough search. Any tips you have?
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 It would be a good start if you open your mind to some alternative thinking, granted this wont necessarily mean it'll be easy or improve your situation at the pace you would prefer. I want to change my thinking but I don't know how. I find when I bury the thoughts by not articulating them to myself, they pop up as nebulous feelings instead. I can't seem to eradicate them. You can build up your confidence again but you need to remember that it's a process, sometimes one that requires small baby steps. For some people it helps setting themselves goals, no matter how small they'll be, as long as you accomplish them, you are doing something. I've been trying this the last couple of days. Taking baby steps, doing good things for myself like eating healthy...organizing my place...running errands. So far I don't feel any better but I hope that in time I will.
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I've never been to NYC / NY but I have heard from several people that its atmosphere is rather different from what I'd consider normal, and it would probably even be really depressing to me. Is it possible you're out of your element? Browsing the other comments right now, looks like I am not the only person who considered this aspect. I grew up in a very small town in the middle of a bunch of cornfields. It was the sort of atmosphere where everyone talks to each other and everything is slowed down. Introverts like myself thrived in spite of our low self-esteem and shyness, because everything was slow, easy and relaxed in general. People were relaxed and not in a hurry. People were also often terribly bored, which had a tendency to lead to more communication and friendships. As an older teenager my family moved to Detroit, and that was a huge culture shock for me. People seemed crabbier, more stressed, more wrapped up in themselves. Everything felt objective-focused. You go to the store to get a gallon of milk, try not to get flipped off in the parking lot, don't talk to anyone and get the **** out. People on the sidewalk didn't smile and nod at each other or anything. I am pretty sure I didn't talk to anyone for months at a time after we moved. People were struggling and poor, but the mood was different. I grew up poor with other poor people, but there was a sense that "this is just how we live" and it was okay, almost comfortable. In Detroit it was like a post-apocalyptic mood and everyone seemed depressed and cynical as all hell. I think maybe a lot of it had to do with the 'class' gap (or whatever one would call it). Where I grew up there were no wealthy people and so no comparing, no rat racing and no actually feeling like one was struggling in any way. In Southeast Michigan it was very different. There's a middle class but mostly it's wealthy people and poor people. It creates a very different feeling. But even then I'm not sure. I spent some time in Southern California, as well, as a very poor person, and talk about economic divides, holy ****. Yet I made a ton of friends and other poor people were generally extremely friendly and relaxed. There was very little if any judging, and people who were extremely different from each other in many ways would still hang out together and have a good time. It was really neat. As far as dating might go: The atmospheres were all very different in that sense, too. For example I almost never got hit on in Southeast Michigan. In Southern California I got hit on every day, often multiple times a day. Like the men there were more sensual and appreciative, way less focused on cookie cutter ideals. More focused on experiencing packages than trying to pick a package out, basically. So yeah, I must agree that it's very possible that NY is simply not a good place for you and you might thrive emotionally and socially way better somewhere else. Sometimes it's only a little bit about you, and a lot more about the people around you. So don't automatically blame yourself or try to force yourself to be someone you're not. Sometimes you gotta say **** 'em and go find your people. This rings so true. Thanks for writing this. What you said about Detroit is exactly how I would describe NY. I feel like more of an outcast here than I ever have in my life.
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I keep going it over and over again in my head and I can't figure out why people treat me like garbage. It must be because I deserve it. I'm nothing.
endlessabyss Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) I keep going it over and over again in my head and I can't figure out why people treat me like garbage. It must be because I deserve it. I'm nothing. I wouldn't say you're nothing. If I was you I would definitely try meet-up or some dating website; there is nothing to lose at this point. Just because past experiences haven't been successful doesn't mean future attempts are going to be the same. Your perception of yourself is warped, and things aren't nearly as bad as you think. You're being way too hard on yourself. You're not a native of New York; it's all pretty new to you, and the culture seems to be very superficial and empty; with everything being based on status, wealth, etc. etc. Many people who re-locate struggle to find a new social circle, so you're not alone in that regard. If you're too insecure to keep making attempts to meet new people down there, I would definitely start thinking of re-locating. Is your career worth more than your health? Edited December 10, 2014 by endlessabyss
gaius Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks Gaius. What exchanges? I have research healthcare on my tomorrow to do list. I've done it before but want to do a more thorough search. Any tips you have? I think the main one is www.healthcare.gov, you can try putting your info in there and see how much it will cost. Hopefully with the subsidies it will be somewhat affordable.
Ariadne Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I keep going it over and over again in my head and I can't figure out why people treat me like garbage. It must be because I deserve it. I'm nothing. Sorry about that tuxedo. You can go check out The Three Jewels. The people there tend to be nice and loving and it´ll probably help you with your situation. Hope things get better.
Ariadne Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Look, they even have this talk for tomorrow: Saturday, December 13 6 Perfections with Maria Cutrona When Sat, December 13, 2:30pm – 4:30pm Description The Guide to The Bodhisattva's Way of Life. Master Shantideva suggests that the secret to our happiness is to stop worrying about our own happiness all the time and start worrying about the happiness of someone else. The Six Perfections train the mind to think "what can I do for someone else?" Please join me as we discuss these "perfectionizers" and ways we can begin to incorporate them into our every day. 1
BluEyeL Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Because you can't afford therapy, I would take matters into my own hands, go to the library and check out a lot of self-help books and keep reading and reading until you rework your brain wiring. Not easy, but if you are committed, studying and learning by yourself, and about yourself and how to achieve happiness no matter what the external circumstances are can work better than therapy. I've been to therapy but reading tens of self-help books helped much more. Those therapists in the end learn from books too and you know yourself better than them, and you can dedicate more time than once a week to improving yourself. Try! It works!
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Tuxedo Cat You actually sound depressed to me, I suggest you go speak to a doctor. Also it is winter, and you live in the city and in a basement apartment, have you considered you may be experiencing SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder - Seasonal Affective Disorder An example of SAD Symptoms include: Lethargy, lacking in energy, unable to carry out a normal routine Sleep problems, finding it hard to stay awake during the day, but having disturbed nights Loss of libido, not interested in physical contact Anxiety, inability to cope Social problems, irritability, not wanting to see people Depression, feelings of gloom and despondency for no apparent reason Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods, leading to weight gain The treatment is to buy a SAD light - Tips on How to Buy a SAD Light ? Seasonal Affective Disorder UK 1
FitChick Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I don't believe I'm attractive anymore. I don't believe I have anything to offer. I'm nothing. How would someone who believed the above look and behave compared to someone who believed: Each failure is a learning opportunity bringing me closer to success. Any man would be lucky to have me. Everyday is a new adventure I don't believe in affirmations unless you eliminate the negative beliefs first. PM me for resources and solutions to your problem. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Like the other people have said you have moved into the war-zone which is NY and it is only for those capable of making ridiculous amounts of money it is no place for confidence or self-esteem issues. I don't make ridiculous amount of money (sometimes I wish I did) but I am actually succeeding financially. Sure I had to sell my car, but it was a very good decision I made. I bought a bicycle and commute with it. The side benefit is improving my health. And NYC is not a war-zone, it's the capital of world. But I understand the mislabel since you Brits lost the colonies a while back.
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 And NYC is not a war-zone, it's the capital of world. I just heard some commentator from London saying recently, that London is the capital of the world...
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) I went to a movie with my new roommate that we both have been looking forward to. He is one of my only semi-friends here but lately I've felt that he doesn't respect me much. All night he was throwing little zingers my way and by the end I was on the verge of tears. Am I overreacting? At one point he was talking about the kind of people he hangs out with and I said "well, the people I've been around are mostly in x industry." And he said, "well you don't hang out with anyone...you never go out" and then he laughed. I can see how in a close friendship this comment might have been fine, but we're not good friends...we're barely friends. So it was weird and inappropriate. After the movie we got some coffee to chat about the movie and he said how he gets along well with girls "he's not attracted to." I'm not at all attracted to him, but I found this pretty offensive. Did he really have to say that? I would never have said that to him. He must have mentioned about 10 times during our conversations how shy I am and how I should leave NY and move to LA. Even if it's true, I don't need a constant reminder when I didn't ask. At another point during a conversational lull, he asked me why I always flush the toilet more than once. The common area is right next to the bathroom with a thin wall separating the two so he can hear everything. The truth is I do this because I have this weird thing about not wanting people to hear me pee. So I usually flush twice (once while I pee and another time after). I know it's silly but whatever. How is this any of his business? I fumbled for a response and he said he thinks it's "really bizarre." The vibe I get from him is mild disdain. Even when he was asking me at one point (uncharacteristically) why I became interested in filmmaking, I felt like the thought behind it was, "who do you think you are?" Trust me, I'm not imagining this. See, this is why I avoid people. Whenever I stick my neck out a little, people treat me like this. I'm treated like some sort of freak because I haven't made friends here and I'm quiet. Why does that matter so freakin' much? It makes me so angry and sad. Isn't there any more to people than their social status? My roommate isn't exactly a social butterfly himself. He's a nerdy guy who may or may not be on the spectrum and most of his friends have come from reddit meetups. So it feels really great to be judged by him. I'm so done, guys. I'm done giving people a chance. I'm done being a good listener and taking an interest in people and then being treated like I'm some untouchable loser because I'm shy and anxious. My anger is up to here and I'm ready to lose it. But there's no productive way of releasing or expressing it. The worst part is I feel so alone. Whenever I try to express my experience to others they look dumbfounded and talk about how much they love it here. Edited December 14, 2014 by tuxedo cat
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) The overwhelming message I get from people is that I'm worthless. A year and a half ago I was working at this cafe in Boston and people treated me so differently. I was respected and valued. What happened? I've never been popular but I've always been able to find a few people who appreciate and care about me. I feel like I'm living in some kind of nightmare here. Edited December 14, 2014 by tuxedo cat
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