my03 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I have been dating this girl for about 10 months. When we first started going out we were having sex multiple times every time we met up and the sex was great. About three months into the relationship she started saying she didn't feel horny anymore for some reason. And it's nothing to do with me she just got turned off sex. For the next few months maybe once a month she would tell me she's horny and we would have good sex. For the last three months we have no had sex at all. She gets very sensitive when I try to initiate it or even gets angry. On the relationship side we seem to be growing. I've gotten to know her family and sometimes we do talk about the future together marriage etc. I am 29 and she is 27.5. At the start of the sex drought, we would argue about it, she would get really upset when I mentioned it and try to ask her why she feels this way. She always says she just suddenly stopped getting horny. She gets really moody and emotional and gets really bad pms. The other day we had an argument and I broke up with her. I told her I'm not gonna go back to what we had because her emotions were getting to me. She said we should give it another try and try work things out. Honestly it's really taking its toll on me, I love her but I don't know how to feel about her. Is she not attracted to me? Or is it a medical thing with her hormones? If she's not attracted to me why does she still want to get back together? She still shows affection, we are always holdings hands no mater where- in he street, in the car etc. She still kisses me and tells me she loves me. I'm not sure what I should do. I was hoping she would get over this phase but I'm not sure if it will ever end. Or is she just not compatible with me and I should leave her? Should I give it more time?
CarrieT Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 It is NORMAL for the ebb-and-flow of any person's libido to change. Heck, my older sister shut down almost entirely for a decade (from her 50s where she had sex every three months) to now, at the age of 62 where she is getting it twice a day! It happens to EVERYONE!!!! To expect what you had in the beginning of a relationship is beyond irrational. And the more you ask and harangue and badger her - or anyone - the more the person is going to shut down. Read through this site. As you posted in your title, it IS an age-old issue. But it is not "Not Enough Sex" it is that you have mis-matched libidos and that will probably never be rectified. If it bothers you so much, just break up with her.
xxoo Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 You've only been dating 10 months, NO sex for the past 3 (and sometimes once a month before that), and you are talking marriage?? Next time marriage comes up, tell her that you have major concerns about your sex life that need to be addressed before talking marriage. It'll probably start a conflict, but you need a conflict. Get real with each other. Be honest about what you need in a relationship, and find out if she has any capacity or interest in meeting those needs. My guess is, you are completely incompatible, and marriage would be a terrible idea. You would make good friends. 5
central Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 She's not into you sexually. The initial interest was due to a new relationship, but she's likely either LD (low drive) and now showing her real nature, or discovered that while she may like you a lot, she's not sexually attracted. Stay broken up. Move on, and find someone who is into you sexually, and stays that way.
Author my03 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Thanks for the replies guys. So some are saying her libido has taken a drive and its normal, others saying she's not attracted to me sexually. Either way I guess there's no point hanging around and hoping things turn for the better right? Do you think I should try talking to her and if so how should I aporoach the topic. We broke up last Sunday and on Friday I met up with her and I told her she's going to have to try change and if she wants to get back with me because I've already tried my best and giving it everything I've got. I know she's happy in this relationship and I'm Prob treated her the best out of all her boyfriends. She does show traits of a typical emotional baggage person- no really close friends, no realy social life etc. She said she wanted to get back together and see how it goes and I'm stuck here not really knowing what to do. It's hard to let go of her because the lack of sex aside and her emotional instability, we are actually quite good. But like you guys have said its like we're best friends rather than lovers. Just best friends that hold hands and cuddle lol (how sad)
xxoo Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 If you decide to talk it out and give it another shot, be as honest and kind as possible. Tell her what sort of desire you have for a sex life. Tell her how you feel when you can't bond with her sexually as a girlfriend. Tell her what your needs are, kindly. Avoid any accusations or negative characterizations of her or or sex drive. Who she is is fine, and who you are is fine, but are you compatible? That is the question. Don't try to be together if it is forcing you or her to be someone you are not. 1
preraph Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 There's nothing in all the info that is about what she's doing right now, whether she's under stress, whether her health is good, or what was going on when the sex stopped in your relationship. Yes, sex drive ebbs and flows. No, women are not obligated to have sex just because you want it. Yes, if you can't live with it, you have the right to break up and find someone else. With women, sex is usually very connected to their emotions, so if the relationship is suffering in any way, it will show up in the bedroom. It's encouraging she is still affectionate. Stop pressuring her because the last thing that is going to do is make her horny. 1
Author my03 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. Honestly I cannot thinks of anything that happened when the sex died, we continued growing since then and I have stopped asking, trying to I initiate or pressure her. Besides the sex, the relationship seems to be going well. But deep down I feel I'm the one that contributes the most to making the relationship work. So for her it might just be a convenience factor. I really have no idea I've tried talking to her about it and she said she's going through a phase where she isn't horny and doesn't feel like doing it. It's almost like she is grossed out of the thought of sex even if someone else's sex life comes up in a conversation she will jokingly comment "ew" or something.
Gloria25 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I don't think this RL is "progressing in other areas"... IMO, sex is important in any RL. She can meet your family all you want, be nice to you, like the same peanut butter - but if she's not sexing you, trust me, after a while - especially if you marry her, the lack of sex will rear it's ugly head. There's some saying or something that goes - when the sex is good, sex is not an issue in a RL...BUT, when the sex is the issue, everything in the RL is bad. In other words, after a while the all the "progression" in the RL won't mean a thing when your resentment and built up frustration comes from her not giving you any - especially if you ever marry her. If you can't pinpoint what's causing her libido to drop (i.e. stress, medical issues, childhood molestation) and she doesn't want to even address why, then I think that's a big red flag. BTW, over the past couple of years I had to deal with stress - to the point where it affected my libido. But, I still pushed past it to have sex with my FWB. It took longer for me to orgasm and "get out of my head" and I even was glad when I ultimately did have the sex. So, I didn't tell him to "get bent, cuz I wasn't feeling like having sex". When you're in a RL, you just can arbitrarily cut off the other person.
GemmaUK Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 If she started using a contraceptive pill when she started seeing you (or changed to a different type) it might be down to that. Contraceptives can kill libido. I've experienced it myself in the past. Changing to a different pill might make all the difference. Also, things like other drugs she might be taking and stress can cause libido to change.
Emilia Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 She's cut down on the sex because this is how she is keeping the intimacy away from your relationship. I've seen this in people that are very moody and emotionally unstable, it's usually their inability to handle real closeness so they create a way of distancing themselves from their partner. Early on the intimacy isn't so threatening but as they start catching feelings, they have to pull back. This will not change OP. Her hope is probably some kind of therapy to deal with her issues but there is no reason why you should stick around on the off-chance that she learns to handle her emotions productively. I'd leave. This will not get better and you will always fight until one of you leaves eventually.
Rydo Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) I would say she just isn't attracted to you in that way. The reason she keeps the relationship going is because like you said she has no real friends or social life so you are that to her. If I was you I would have ended it ages ago. Edited December 7, 2014 by Rydo
veggirl Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 You've only been dating 10 months, NO sex for the past 3 (and sometimes once a month before that), and you are talking marriage?? Next time marriage comes up, tell her that you have major concerns about your sex life that need to be addressed before talking marriage. It'll probably start a conflict, but you need a conflict. Get real with each other. Be honest about what you need in a relationship, and find out if she has any capacity or interest in meeting those needs. My guess is, you are completely incompatible, and marriage would be a terrible idea. You would make good friends. lol seriously. sh*t like this blows my mind. "we've been dating 10 months, haven't had regular sex for half of that time and might get married" where does that thought process even come from?! 1
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