I'm a virgin, is dating me a turn off?

[adiamond]

Would you stay with someone who wants to stay a virgin for a few years (1-2) because she wants to develop emotional connection, wants to fall in love and feel 100% comfortable first?

Edited December 7, 2014 by adiamond

[Trep]

It all depends on the guy. Some guys will run for the hills when they find out and others will try to stick it out.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

[adiamond]

It all depends on the guy. Some guys will run for the hills when they find out and others will try to stick it out.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

Why would some guys run for the hills? What if this girl is really good to him, loyal, good head on her shoulders and is totally into him? They have a good time together?

[Chris715]

Why would some guys run for the hills? What if this girl is really good to him, loyal, good head on her shoulders and is totally into him? They have a good time together?

 

Because some guys don't care about any of that and just want easy sex.

 

On the other hand if I had a girl like that I would be willing to wait it out until she was comfortable, so we're out there!

[somedude81]

Would you stay with someone who wants to stay a virgin for a few years (1-2) because she wants to develop emotional connection, wants to fall in love and feel 100% comfortable first?

 

Being a virgin in itself isn't a turn off.

 

Waiting a few years for sex is. No woman is worth that wait.

 

Basically nobody needs more than six months for an emotional connection to develop and be 100% comfortable for sex.

[GSP21]

It depends on the guy. Honestly, the current North American culture would put you at a disadvantage because a lot of guys want sex soon. But for more traditional people like myself, I would prefer to develop a more genuine, long-term connection with a girl before sex. But most guys still want sex fast. I don't want to sound too racist, but I find that Asian guys are generally more conservative/traditional and in-line with your desires.

[Els]

OP, what is your definition of 'waiting'? No intercourse? What are your thoughts on mutual oral sex, outercourse, making out, etc?

 

I don't want to sound too racist, but I find that Asian guys are generally more conservative/traditional and in-line with your desires.

 

This has been my experience, especially if they were raised in Asia. Cultural conditioning is powerful, and waiting a long time is par for the course for the more traditional folk. Sometimes they're not even waiting just because the woman says no, they're waiting because that's what they believe is the 'right' thing to do.

 

The other subset of guys who are likely to adhere to these beliefs are very religious guys.

[Rydo]

Waste 1-2 years of my life on someone that I might not be fully compatible with? Not a chance.

[Chemist]

Chris is speaking about his motives here.

 

I would not want to wait a year to sleep with someone because well, I need both an emotional and physical connection to be happy in a relationship. An orgasm is a powerful thing for love. Plus, I need to know that we are sexual compatible before I want things to progress much, and after a year, I would hate to break up with someone because, well, we just don't match up in the sack.

 

I waited four months once, that was a long time. Heh

[AVarma]

As a 28 year old virgin I wouldn't judge you for being a virgin. Hell I would even wait for a few months if that's what you needed. I wouldn't however wait 1-2 years. Why do you need that long? Are you waiting for marriage or at least engagement? I ask because even though I'm a virgin it's not really something I'm proud of and I do want to lose it. I'd be willing to be patient but 1-2 years seems a bit much.

[adiamond]

OP, what is your definition of 'waiting'? No intercourse? What are your thoughts on mutual oral sex, outercourse, making out, etc?

 

 

 

This has been my experience, especially if they were raised in Asia. Cultural conditioning is powerful, and waiting a long time is par for the course for the more traditional folk. Sometimes they're not even waiting just because the woman says no, they're waiting because that's what they believe is the 'right' thing to do.

 

The other subset of guys who are likely to adhere to these beliefs are very religious guys.

 

Kissing when dating, making out when exclusive, (those lines are slightly blurred). Oral and outer course after a few months of exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend status.

I'm actually Asian-American and when I date white males, I always feel pressured to sleep with them. They tell me nice things like I'm worth it, I care about you a lot, I'll wait, I like you and this a lot etc. etc. Then proceed to make the moves on me a few days later (he didn't even ask me to be his girlfriend yet and we've been dating for 2ish months). I've dated religious man before, and it didn't work out because I wasn't religious.

One of the reasons why I'm hesitant (other than wanting to be comfortable) is because I'm still young and I'm not really sure where my life is headed (I want to go to Med School) and I may/may not have to move out of state. And if our relationship doesn't work due to LDR, not being a virgin may hurt my chances at Asian men... Pretty sure my family would also be extremely disappointed in me. Also the fear of being dumped a few weeks after having sex because they weren't really into me in the first place is pretty strong...

Edited December 7, 2014 by adiamond

[somedude81]

Do you believe that a guy is more likely to stick with you at one year than at seven months?

 

What does having sex have to do with you not knowing where your life is headed?

 

I've never heard about Asian men only wanting to date virgins.

[smackie9]

Men have relationship to have sex, period. I understand you want to have a connection, but asking someone to wait 1-2 years is unrealistic. Most feel an emotional connection from having sex not waiting for years to have it. I think you are just afraid of being taken advantage of or just scared of the act itself. So sad for you because this will be a lengthy battle for you to meet the right guy.

[smackie9]

BTW waiting, having a connection, will not guarantee you that the relationship will lead to further commitment or marriage, nor will it increase you odds of keeping him.

[stillafool]

Everyone is a virgin when they first start out so obviously someone was willing to wait until they gave it up. My advice would be to not worry about who will wait for you but to stay true to what you want. If you want to wait to develop an emotional connection, and be in a proper relationship before you give your virginity away then don't let anyone talk you out of it. Don't be concerned about what others think do what you want it's your body.

 

There are girls who wait like the Duggar girls and their boyfriends (fiances) are adorable.l I don't think you will regret one bit holding on to it for someone special.

[smackie9]

. Pretty sure my family would also be extremely disappointed in me. Also the fear of being dumped a few weeks after having sex because they weren't really into me in the first place is pretty strong...

 

You are an adult, when and who you have sex with is none of your parents business, nor is it their given right to give an opinion on what you should do.

 

Like I said, waiting a year or so never guarantees you that they won't dump you after a couple of weeks.

 

I do agree to wait for a month or two, and observe how they treat you etc, and determine then if it feels right then go for it.

 

You are too overwhelmed with guilt and fear, you need to work on being more comfortable about sexuality. You need to learn to be your own woman, and not be influenced by all the negative aspects you have heard. It's not always like that. You just have to have good judgement, and common sense.

[stillafool]

Kissing when dating, making out when exclusive, (those lines are slightly blurred). Oral and outer course after a few months of exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend status.

I'm actually Asian-American and when I date white males, I always feel pressured to sleep with them. They tell me nice things like I'm worth it, I care about you a lot, I'll wait, I like you and this a lot etc. etc. Then proceed to make the moves on me a few days later (he didn't even ask me to be his girlfriend yet and we've been dating for 2ish months). I've dated religious man before, and it didn't work out because I wasn't religious.

One of the reasons why I'm hesitant (other than wanting to be comfortable) is because I'm still young and I'm not really sure where my life is headed (I want to go to Med School) and I may/may not have to move out of state. And if our relationship doesn't work due to LDR, not being a virgin may hurt my chances at Asian men... Pretty sure my family would also be extremely disappointed in me. Also the fear of being dumped a few weeks after having sex because they weren't really into me in the first place is pretty strong...

 

Then don't have sex. What is the problem?

[adiamond]

Men have relationship to have sex, period. I understand you want to have a connection, but asking someone to wait 1-2 years is unrealistic. Most feel an emotional connection from having sex not waiting for years to have it. I think you are just afraid of being taken advantage of or just scared of the act itself. So sad for you because this will be a lengthy battle for you to meet the right guy.

 

I think I'm going to wait until I find the right guy. I do not think 1-2 months is nearly enough to truly gage their intentions and personality. For me, falling in love and building trust and being comfortable takes time and multiple life experiences together. Maybe it will take a little longer to meet the right guy, but I think I'd regret giving myself up to someone after a few months and finding out that he didn't have the right intentions than falling in love and having sex and have us fall apart because we couldn't make it work.

[deathandtaxes]

I wouldn't do it. I don't believe in this virginity stuff and waiting that long to share something that should be part of the whole dating process? Nah. And I wouldn't have the time or patience to try to train somebody on how to have some good sex. I'm sure there's another virgin out there who wouldn't mind waiting, but most non-virgins wouldn't.

[endlessabyss]

I think I'm going to wait until I find the right guy. I do not think 1-2 months is nearly enough to truly gage their intentions and personality. For me, falling in love and building trust and being comfortable takes time and multiple life experiences together. Maybe it will take a little longer to meet the right guy, but I think I'd regret giving myself up to someone after a few months and finding out that he didn't have the right intentions than falling in love and having sex and have us fall apart because we couldn't make it work.

 

 

Good luck with that in this culture. The way the dating game is structured, and the obsession with sex, is going to make things hard.

 

 

Props for sticking to your guns though. It's refreshing to see a woman, these days, with some type of commitment to their values.

[Danda]

It sort of sounds like you expect losing your virginity to be an extremely powerful experience that could emotionally bind you to the guy, and then you would be devastated if he broke up with you. Is that the case?

 

Based on my experience losing my V-card, and the experiences of my female friends over the years who have shared their stories with me, losing your virginity is indeed a very vulnerable experience. It will likely be extremely awkward, nowhere near as 'magical' as you might have expected and will probably hurt to some extent. If you actually have an orgasm consider yourself exceptionally fortunate. After the sex, you will probably have an emotional after effect that will be both positive and negative, but it will pass relatively swiftly. Some women cry but they're not upset. That sort of thing.

 

However, you will not experience any type of tremendous binding to the guy that will make you need him somehow, or that will never allow you to be as happy with another guy. You will probably still perceive sex as special and sacred, but it will no longer have that intense suspenseful, ground-breaking level of significance in your mind. The fear of the unknown will be gone, and you'll realize that it's something you can enjoy and share with anyone with whom you're in love. That's something you'll realize with the second person you ever have sex with, that just because they're not your first partner, doesn't mean it's not as powerful or special when you share it with them for the first time. The only difference will be that you're no longer fearful of what it's going to be like, both emotionally and physically.

 

So realize that protecting yourself emotionally doesn't mean needing a guy who you know will be with you for the rest of your life at a 100% guarantee or something.

 

What's important when you lose your virginity is for it to be with a guy who genuinely respects and cares about you. This is something you can determine in well under a year. After a few months of experiencing how he treats you, you will be able to determine how he will treat you in bed. It's also not a bad idea at all to actually talk with him about how you would like him to behave for your first time and get some verbal reassurance.

 

You just need someone respectful, caring and patient who actually wants you to have a good time and prioritizes your comfort and pleasure for the experience.

 

But the experience itself is not going to bind you to the guy in such a way that if six months later the relationship doesn't work out, you'll fall over and die, or never love again, or whatever. The break up will suck in the same way as it would if the two of you had never had sex, no more, no less.

 

It is wise of you to be very selective in who takes your virginity, and to take the time to get to know them first. But there will be nothing magical that takes place at some arbitrary time set, like 7 months, or 2 years, or whatever. It's the sort of thing you just 'feel out' as you go, and you'll know it when you feel right and comfortable with the guy. You can't determine when this feeling will develop, though.

 

If you tell a guy you don't want to have sex for the first 2 years with him, that's going to come across as weird because it means that even if you grow to feel comfortable enough with him after 4 months, you're just going to make him wait for another 1.5 years for no apparent reason. A guy could take that in a few different ways, all of which are negative.

 

If you don't have a personal requirement of wanting to be married before you have sex, then instead of giving some random time frame to a guy for sex, just tell him that you're a virgin and so you need to be really comfortable with a guy before you have sex with him, since it will be your first time. I think to most guys this will be fine, because they anticipate that it will be a matter of months before your feelings fall one way or the other (since that's the norm). Then you can just roll with it and gauge how you feel, regardless of the time table.

 

Whether it takes you 5 days, 4 weeks or 5 months to feel comfortable, it will never be right or wrong. It's just a matter of how you feel and when you're ready, so just be open to your own feelings.

[Hopeful30]

I'm gonna be realistic and tell you that no, most guys wouldn't date a girl like that. It doesn't mean they are shallow, but if I'm not banging my man within the first few months of dating, I will lose interest.

 

Sex is very important to me, as it is to most men, so to be absolutely truthful for the sake of honesty, it's a huge turn off and if I was a guy I wouldn't date you for that reason.

 

Finding a man who would wait that long, I think, is extremely difficult if not impossible. When you love someone and develop an emotional connection (which shouldn't take 1-2 years), sex is part of the intimacy that naturally develops. If you hold off for a really long time, by which the intimacy will have probably developed, your relationship will feel incomplete or not even legitimate, and men might sleep around while "waiting" for you because, well, they have needs.

 

To me, I'm not in a relationship with a man until we have slept together, and I never sleep around casually, so I know that if I open my legs, it's because I see dating potential in this guy. I imagine men are the same. Until they have slept with a girl they have been dating, they aren't exactly her "man", so most men will either leave you or have flings on the side until you are ready (at least, that's what I would do if I were a man).

 

Plus, do you REALLY wanna wait 1-2 years to find out if you're sexually compatible? What if you're not? That's 1-2 years of hard work all for nothing. You have to explore ALL the elements of a relationship to determine if it will work, not just the emotional aspect.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Hopeful30

[maysj18]

Would you stay with someone who wants to stay a virgin for a few years (1-2) because she wants to develop emotional connection, wants to fall in love and feel 100% comfortable first?

 

I haven't read the other replies but I just want to say that you need to stick to your guns and not get overly consumed in other people's opinions on this. I was a virgin until 21 because I never felt comfortable, happy, or close to any guy I dated prior to my current boyfriend. Sometimes the feelings were based on nothing tangible, I just knew in my gut that I would regret it.

 

Anyways, once I met my current boyfriend, I gave it up gladly within just two months. It was completely my idea, on my own time, and it was great. Something I noticed about him that I didn't notice about the others was how uninterested he was in pushing the issue with me when he first found out I was a virgin. Everything was so easy and carefree. He just made it very obvious that I was what he was after. With no sex on the table, he pursued me like crazy and always wanted to make plans and hang out. It made me want him more than ever and one night I just couldn't take it anymore

 

So, relax. The right person won't question you, pressure you, or manipulate you. Trust your gut and don't compromise yourself just because you like someone. Also, keep in mind that it doesn't necessarily take years to form that kind of emotional connection with someone. I always thought the same thing but I was more than ready two months in. We've been together for 3 years now

Edited December 8, 2014 by maysj18

[Els]

Kissing when dating, making out when exclusive, (those lines are slightly blurred). Oral and outer course after a few months of exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend status.

 

This sounds reasonable, and similar to what some of the more traditional Asian couples I know do (the few whom I'm close enough to talk to about it, at least).

 

I'm actually Asian-American and when I date white males, I always feel pressured to sleep with them. They tell me nice things like I'm worth it, I care about you a lot, I'll wait, I like you and this a lot etc. etc. Then proceed to make the moves on me a few days later (he didn't even ask me to be his girlfriend yet and we've been dating for 2ish months).

 

Based on what I read on LS, a few days is apparently considered 'waiting' to some guys.

 

One of the reasons why I'm hesitant (other than wanting to be comfortable) is because I'm still young and I'm not really sure where my life is headed (I want to go to Med School) and I may/may not have to move out of state. And if our relationship doesn't work due to LDR, not being a virgin may hurt my chances at Asian men... Pretty sure my family would also be extremely disappointed in me. Also the fear of being dumped a few weeks after having sex because they weren't really into me in the first place is pretty strong...

 

Well, to be fair not all Asian men need their long-term partner to be a virgin, and especially not if you are dating American Asians, I would think. And it wouldn't be any of your family's business what you are doing in your private life, assuming you are over 18.

 

But. That being said, this is a decision that you have every right to make for yourself. Don't be pressured or pushed into doing something you don't want to do. There are compatible guys for you, and although they might be much more rare where you live, there is no purpose in changing who you are to gain acceptance. If or when you have sex it should be because you WANT to.

[asiangirl]

I'm a girl, and I'm Asian-American too,

I don't think as a girl, my reply would help you, but I share my story

I was a virgin until age 29, and I loose it to my boyfriend whom also live in my ghetto neighborhood "cough"

 

I am still in shock that I fallen for a guy who lives in that close distance with me, my neighbor who is few minutes walking distant away from me. But I don't regret loose it to him.

Well, he still together, and he still the same loving guy that I meet 4 years ago.

 

We do struggle (well more like I struggle), he doesn't care the racist comments from others, but I seem to cares.

Our hardship is our cultures difference, and my old traditional Asian ignorant mother who discriminate him based on his "skin color".

 

Other than that we still going strong. He knows I was a virgin when we sleep together, he doesn't seem to mind at all. Why? Because he loves me, well I think he loves me, lol

 

IF a guy run away just because he knows you a virgin, then that guy is NOT worth your time. Why? Because that guy only care for easy sex, they don't want a long term with you.

And why on earth you want to give your virgin to a guy who just want 'easy' sex from you?

 

Well, my man is not white, so I don't know how to answer Ms. OP part on she dating a white guy, lol.

BUT I'm sure doesn't matter what skin color he is. IF he loves you, I'm sure he doesn't mind your a virgin Ms. OP

 

BWT, my ignorant racist mother loves me date white guy. I am sure IF I bring home a white guy, she would accept him immediately.

Too bad, Fate play me. I fall in with a guy who skin color is 180 degree opposite of the color white, you can figure out what color that is, lol

 

And there go my racist mother start making disrespectful comments on him.

But I don't give a S-h-i-t, because I don't live with her, so she can't control who I date.

BTW, she was also a controlling abusive mother too, that is why I move out from her, so I further don't give a S-h-i-t to her racist attitude against my man.

 

And NOT all men are just after sex. My man chase me for 6 months, so he's one heck of a persistent guy.

After 6 months I gave in to be his girl though, after I feel how cold his hands were when he waiting for me outside in winter time.

I know right there, this persistent guy is the one I want to be with.

Maybe in my case is called "Fate", but don't worried OP, there someone out there for you, keep searching.

Edited December 13, 2014 by asiangirl