He came back, now what?

[Beergoggles]

So, I see a lot of threads on here about wanting someone back or wishing for a second chance with someone, but very few that actually concerns the theme of what to do when you've already heard the famous and wished for words: "I miss you and I want you back. Let's try again".

 

I am at that point with my ex. He said them about one week ago, after 4,5 months of drama, anger and hurt feelings from both sides. I was the one who broke up with him, but I felt forced to do it, as his feelings for me were faded and culminated into an episode of cheating (no sex, but sleeping in the same bed and kissing). He also had a rebound (sort of) with the girl he cheated on me with, that cooled of and turned platonic (he broke up with her). We were together for a long time and had a great relationship (3,5 years, 5 years as close friends)

 

What made him come back was me initiating no contact and sticking to it (it took 2 weeks of hardcore no contact). And what helped me do it, was my "no contact" diary in the coping forum.

 

So right now we are in a rough patch which is hard for both of us. He wants space and wants to take it slow and start dating from the beginning again. I agree, but I do feel the urge to just resolve all our problems right away and continue where we left of. So I'm hoping this new thread can do the same miracle for me as it did last time: I'll have a place to empty my head and maybe (if I'm lucky) some advice from the amazing people on here.

 

It's hard for me to take it slow and start all over when all I want is to trust him, love him and have his support like I used to. I'm trying not let my eager get to me, and I am trying not to make plans more than a few days in advance.

 

So, our first "date" is in just 4-5 days. Any advice on how I should handle that?

[Simon Phoenix]

So, I see a lot of threads on here about wanting someone back or wishing for a second chance with someone, but very few that actually concerns the theme of what to do when you've already heard the famous and wished for words: "I miss you and I want you back. Let's try again".

 

I am at that point with my ex. He said them about one week ago, after 4,5 months of drama, anger and hurt feelings from both sides. I was the one who broke up with him, but I felt forced to do it, as his feelings for me were faded and culminated into an episode of cheating (no sex, but sleeping in the same bed and kissing). He also had a rebound (sort of) with the girl he cheated on me with, that cooled of and turned platonic (he broke up with her). We were together for a long time and had a great relationship (3,5 years, 5 years as close friends)

 

What made him come back was me initiating no contact and sticking to it (it took 2 weeks of hardcore no contact). And what helped me do it, was my "no contact" diary in the coping forum.

 

So right now we are in a rough patch which is hard for both of us. He wants space and wants to take it slow and start dating from the beginning again. I agree, but I do feel the urge to just resolve all our problems right away and continue where we left of. So I'm hoping this new thread can do the same miracle for me as it did last time: I'll have a place to empty my head and maybe (if I'm lucky) some advice from the amazing people on here.

 

It's hard for me to take it slow and start all over when all I want is to trust him, love him and have his support like I used to. I'm trying not let my eager get to me, and I am trying not to make plans more than a few days in advance.

 

So, our first "date" is in just 4-5 days. Any advice on how I should handle that?

 

I see two big red flags. First of all, it's not up to him to be setting the pace on the reconciliation. He shouldn't be the one telling you to take it slow -- he should be letting you pick the pace and complying. Also, I don't think you are emotionally ready to be doing this.

[I'mBatman]

I see two big red flags. First of all, it's not up to him to be setting the pace on the reconciliation. He shouldn't be the one telling you to take it slow -- he should be letting you pick the pace and complying. Also, I don't think you are emotionally ready to be doing this.

 

 

This 100%. He cheated and you should be in total control of the situation

 

Take some time for yourself. Two weeks isn't enough. It was a month before my ex came back and i was still totally not ready and the hatred of the cheating was still very high and caused me to dump her. Depending on how betrayed you feel about the cheating will determine the time frame. If you are like me and think about it every day in anger and when your with them then it will take months. If your maybe just a moderately angry and feel like you can look past it try and wait a couple months.

 

PS. Don't just take him back right away. Although it may seem like your playing mind games with him you really need to make it clear that if this ever happens again you absolutely wont come back. Right now your in a super good spot because you can call/text him saying you thought about it and really arnt ready to try again and that you need some time for yourself.

 

best of luck

[evanescentworld]

So, I see a lot of threads on here about wanting someone back or wishing for a second chance with someone, but very few that actually concerns the theme of what to do when you've already heard the famous and wished for words: "I miss you and I want you back. Let's try again".

 

I am at that point with my ex. He said them about one week ago, after 4,5 months of drama, anger and hurt feelings from both sides. I was the one who broke up with him, but I felt forced to do it, as his feelings for me were faded and culminated into an episode of cheating (no sex, but sleeping in the same bed and kissing). He also had a rebound (sort of) with the girl he cheated on me with, that cooled of and turned platonic (he broke up with her). We were together for a long time and had a great relationship (3,5 years, 5 years as close friends)

 

What made him come back was me initiating no contact and sticking to it (it took 2 weeks of hardcore no contact). And what helped me do it, was my "no contact" diary in the coping forum.

 

So right now we are in a rough patch which is hard for both of us. He wants space and wants to take it slow and start dating from the beginning again. I agree, but I do feel the urge to just resolve all our problems right away and continue where we left of. So I'm hoping this new thread can do the same miracle for me as it did last time: I'll have a place to empty my head and maybe (if I'm lucky) some advice from the amazing people on here.

 

It's hard for me to take it slow and start all over when all I want is to trust him, love him and have his support like I used to. I'm trying not let my eager get to me, and I am trying not to make plans more than a few days in advance.

 

So, our first "date" is in just 4-5 days. Any advice on how I should handle that?

 

Yup. Tell him to back off. You're not emotionally ready to even consider meeting up. You were the one obliged to break up with him because of his attitude and actions.

I completely agree with the above posters:

it's not up to the dumpee to dictate to you what he wants.

From what I see, Simon Phoenix is a well-respected member of this board, and his advice is spot-on, and right to the point.

 

I'd listen to him.

 

Examine in yourself why on earth you would even consider giving this worm another chance. For the life of me, I can't honestly see there's any reason he deserves it.

 

To be honest with you, I would be inclined to text him, tell him you have thought about things and yes: It's over, and you'll probably think about going out with him again as and when Hell freezes over, but not before.

Then resume No Contact and this time, give him absolutely no avenue or chink whatsoever to be able to make contact with you, at all.

[Beergoggles]

I see two big red flags. First of all, it's not up to him to be setting the pace on the reconciliation. He shouldn't be the one telling you to take it slow -- he should be letting you pick the pace and complying. Also, I don't think you are emotionally ready to be doing this.

 

Thanks for your interest and advice, Simon. I'm interested in hearing why you don't think I'm emotionally ready?

[Beergoggles]

This 100%. He cheated and you should be in total control of the situation

 

Take some time for yourself. Two weeks isn't enough. It was a month before my ex came back and i was still totally not ready and the hatred of the cheating was still very high and caused me to dump her. Depending on how betrayed you feel about the cheating will determine the time frame. If you are like me and think about it every day in anger and when your with them then it will take months. If your maybe just a moderately angry and feel like you can look past it try and wait a couple months.

 

PS. Don't just take him back right away. Although it may seem like your playing mind games with him you really need to make it clear that if this ever happens again you absolutely wont come back. Right now your in a super good spot because you can call/text him saying you thought about it and really arnt ready to try again and that you need some time for yourself.

 

best of luck

 

Thank you so much for your message, you make a lot of good points I want to underline that I am indeed in a very good spot personally. I think some of you might have misunderstood my post (or maybe I was not clear enough). We were in very low contact for 4,5 months (almost 5 months). The break-up occured in june.

 

I attend a good school (started august) and I love it, I have taken up several hobbies, I have lost 17 kg and I have been dating around with 2 different guys without really feeling a spark. I have also made friends with this great group of girls I did not know prior to the break-up. So I feel that emotionally, I am doing a lot better. The instant pain and suffer from the break-up is gone

 

I do not feel any anger towards him. People make mistakes, and prior to this he was literally the best boyfriend. He helped me through some rough patches in life and we had a great relationship filled with humor and good communication.

[evanescentworld]

all I want is to trust him, love him and have his support like I used to.

 

It's not up to you to trust him.

You need to be apart for at least 6 months, and he has to work to show he's really determined to prove to you that he's trustworthy.

 

Things can never, ever be the same again.

You can't undo what's done, and Trust is the biggest factor and quality, to maintain and upkeep. It's also the most difficult one of the three to re-establish and repair. And will never be as good as new.

 

He really wasn't supportive of you, because he lacked Respect (another of the three essential qualities. The third is Effective Communication) and he lied to you.

 

Really, you do not want to touch this with a barge-pole. Not until he's in a position to prove to you that everything you want from him, he can deliver, in spades.

And before you even OK that, his behaviour needs to change for the better.

[Beergoggles]

Yup. Tell him to back off. You're not emotionally ready to even consider meeting up. You were the one obliged to break up with him because of his attitude and actions.

I completely agree with the above posters:

it's not up to the dumpee to dictate to you what he wants.

From what I see, Simon Phoenix is a well-respected member of this board, and his advice is spot-on, and right to the point.

 

I'd listen to him.

 

Examine in yourself why on earth you would even consider giving this worm another chance. For the life of me, I can't honestly see there's any reason he deserves it.

 

To be honest with you, I would be inclined to text him, tell him you have thought about things and yes: It's over, and you'll probably think about going out with him again as and when Hell freezes over, but not before.

Then resume No Contact and this time, give him absolutely no avenue or chink whatsoever to be able to make contact with you, at all.

 

Thank you so much for your interest in this difficult situation in my life

 

Allow me to explain a couple of things: I do not think he is dictating my feelings and the pace of our "relationship" at this point, all I am saying is that these months have been tough on the both of us. He has been struggling with feelings of guilt and loss, I have been struggling with feelings of rejection and replacement. He has made efforts to hear me out, during conversations lasting several hours already, and it does help me. I do believe he is very sorry for what he has done, and that he sincerely wants me back. But, I also think that I will push him away if I keep contacting him to the extent that I am doing right now and with my deep concerns and feelings of hurt. I wish to bring some fun and humor back in our relationship, because I think that all the bad things are taking a tough toll on us both. We are both swimming in pain from the BU and aftermath, and it's not healthy. I think we are better of having some conversations about this when the foundation of our relationship is a little bit more back on track.

 

Knowing his history, family and friends really well, I do find it difficult to think of him as a bastard who did all of this to hurt me. I find him a really decent guy with good intentions, but that got a little confused. We have both made mistakes prior to the BU and I do realize that it will take us time to regain trust and to be able to pick up where we were before.

 

A lot of my friends that I have known only after the break up have the same reaction as you to our reconciliation. To be honest, I get a little sick of all the people expecting me to be a heroine. To "dump the bastard", to "make him feel as weak as I have been" and to get some sort of "revenge". I am not that type of person, and I never was. I do believe people make mistakes, and I do believe that people should get second chances when they are truly sorry like he is. I would give the same chance to any of my friends, or any member of my family. As long as he shows me that he deserves this second chance from this point on, I have no intentions to breaking it of. There is no person out there that is perfect, and I do believe we can work through this with time.

 

And yes, I sound like a doormat right now, but I can assure you that I am not.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for your interest and advice, Simon. I'm interested in hearing why you don't think I'm emotionally ready?

 

Because you are asking for first-date advice on a message board. If you were truly ready for this, you'd just roll with whatever felt best in your mind. You are trying too hard to play this a certain way instead of just going with the flow. And you are making a ton of excuses for him.

[Beergoggles]

It's not up to you to trust him.

You need to be apart for at least 6 months, and he has to work to show he's really determined to prove to you that he's trustworthy.

 

Things can never, ever be the same again.

You can't undo what's done, and Trust is the biggest factor and quality, to maintain and upkeep. It's also the most difficult one of the three to re-establish and repair. And will never be as good as new.

 

He really wasn't supportive of you, because he lacked Respect (another of the three essential qualities. The third is Effective Communication) and he lied to you.

 

Really, you do not want to touch this with a barge-pole. Not until he's in a position to prove to you that everything you want from him, he can deliver, in spades.

And before you even OK that, his behaviour needs to change for the better.

 

We have been apart now for 4,5 months (we broke up july the 15th) And we have both dated other people. I would agree with you we need more time apart, but he is going away in january, so this is our chance. We both agree on this.

 

He never lied to me about the cheating, he told me straight away what had happened (I would not have figured it out myself, as he was away with no friends of mine around), and he has been honest with me since our BU (he has also given me a lot of tough honesty that has hurt me a lot. But the guy is a devoted christian, he never lies, not during our relationship and not in the time after). But you are right: I don't trust him right now and restoring that will require MUCH effort!

 

But I totally agree with you on the respect thing, he has shown me a great lack of respect in what he did to me and I am struggling a lot with that!

 

I am not in any denial that this is going to be the same as it was before. And honestly, I don't want it to be either. It will take a lot of hard work from both parties involved.

[Simon Phoenix]

We have been apart now for 4,5 months (we broke up july the 15th) And we have both dated other people. I would agree with you we need more time apart, but he is going away in january, so this is our chance. We both agree on this.

 

He never lied to me about the cheating, he told me straight away what had happened (I would not have figured it out myself, as he was away with no friends of mine around), and he has been honest with me since our BU (he has also given me a lot of tough honesty that has hurt me a lot. But the guy is a devoted christian, he never lies, not during our relationship and not in the time after). But you are right: I don't trust him right now and restoring that will require MUCH effort!

 

But I totally agree with you on the respect thing, he has shown me a great lack of respect in what he did to me and I am struggling a lot with that!

 

I am not in any denial that this is going to be the same as it was before. And honestly, I don't want it to be either. It will take a lot of hard work from both parties involved.

 

You shouldn't be working hard. He should -- he dumped you and cheated on you! You are coming at this from the wrong mindset and the wrong angle. Also, when you say he's going away, is it temporary or for good? If it's temporary, why not wait until he gets back so the both of you have more time to process this? If it's permanent, then what is the point of trying now?

[Beergoggles]

Because you are asking for first-date advice on a message board. If you were truly ready for this, you'd just roll with whatever felt best in your mind. You are trying too hard to play this a certain way instead of just going with the flow. And you are making a ton of excuses for him.

 

I will give you that. I do feel insecure and maybe I am not ready like you say. But I also think that this message I posted is not proof of anything else that I am the person that I am. If I am wondering about something, I google it. If I need help with anything in college, I ask my professor or classmates. And if I feel like I need outside perspective, I will ask for it on a message board where I can find neutral people with experience. It's just how I choose to handle the things that I do not know.

 

I do think its completely normal for me, as well, to feel insecure about my situation. Who would not going trough this? I am not in some dilution that everything between me and my ex is rosy and easy, because it's not. That is why I am choosing to prepare myself (knowledge is power) and asking other people for advice. Maybe I'll choose to break it of, maybe it will work. I don't know. I cannot know. But at least, either way, I'll be a little prepared and I'll make logic decisions not only based on the "flow" in my head.

 

And no, I don't want to excuse what he did to me. What he did to me was awful and hurtful and bad. It took a great toll on me, and at the point it happened ruined all we had built together. But when someone assumes that he did things that he did not do (like lying to me) or I write things that are not clear enough (like us being apart for almost 5 months in LC) I do feel the need to explain. Not to defend, but explain.

[Beergoggles]

You shouldn't be working hard. He should -- he dumped you and cheated on you! You are coming at this from the wrong mindset and the wrong angle. Also, when you say he's going away, is it temporary or for good? If it's temporary, why not wait until he gets back so the both of you have more time to process this? If it's permanent, then what is the point of trying now?

 

I just want to take a minute to appreciate that you are taking your time to write these posts to me It does help me reflect on my situation, and it DOES help me a lot, even if I may come of harsh It's not my intention at all to seem unappreciative!

 

I'm not saying that I should be the one to chase him and work the hardest, and I'm not going to. But yes, as somebody stated above, I will have to work. Because the hardest thing to restore is the trust between us. He will have to show me that he is trustworthy, but I'll also have to work on my feelings of blame and resentment for what he did.

 

I do not think that those feelings belong anywhere in a good and stable relationship. Of course, I do wish that the betrayal never happened at all. But thats not an option. If I want to go forward with this relationship, and I do, I cannot bathe myself in those feelings forever. I have to let go and try to move on eventually. And that takes work, not only from him, but from me as well.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just want to take a minute to appreciate that you are taking your time to write these posts to me It does help me reflect on my situation, and it DOES help me a lot, even if I may come of harsh It's not my intention at all to seem unappreciative!

 

I'm not saying that I should be the one to chase him and work the hardest, and I'm not going to. But yes, as somebody stated above, I will have to work. Because the hardest thing to restore is the trust between us. He will have to show me that he is trustworthy, but I'll also have to work on my feelings of blame and resentment for what he did.

 

I do not think that those feelings belong anywhere in a good and stable relationship. Of course, I do wish that the betrayal never happened at all. But thats not an option. If I want to go forward with this relationship, and I do, I cannot bathe myself in those feelings forever. I have to let go and try to move on eventually. And that takes work, not only from him, but from me as well.

 

Meh, that's work you shouldn't have to do. Personally, I could never take someone back who cheated on me, but to each their own. You didn't answer the question about him leaving in January though.

[Beergoggles]

Meh, that's work you shouldn't have to do. Personally, I could never take someone back who cheated on me, but to each their own. You didn't answer the question about him leaving in January though.

 

I agree, it feels unfair. :/

 

He is leaving for a town that takes me 3 hours to travel to. He studies there most of the year, and I lived there prior to our BU. We shared an apartment. However, the university in that town only offers top quality engineering courses and I wanted to study architecture, so I had to go to his hometown to do it.

 

He will be home for christmas in 3 days, and leaving for studies in january. He'll be back in may for 3 months. I'll be able to see him at least 2 times a month if I want too and vice versa, but I'll have to stay at his place the whole weekend or him in mine. I don't think it's a good idea to start dating with intensive weekends in the same bed and apartment (in case I feel uncomfortable or we get in to a fight), thats why I'm thinking it's better to start up now. It will be less painful this way if it goes wrong.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree, it feels unfair. :/

 

He is leaving for a town that takes me 3 hours to travel to. He studies there most of the year, and I lived there prior to our BU. We shared an apartment. However, the university in that town only offers top quality engineering courses and I wanted to study architecture, so I had to go to his hometown to do it.

 

He will be home for christmas in 3 days, and leaving for studies in january. He'll be back in may for 3 months. I'll be able to see him at least 2 times a month if I want too and vice versa, but I'll have to stay at his place the whole weekend or him in mine. I don't think it's a good idea to start dating with intensive weekends in the same bed and apartment (in case I feel uncomfortable or we get in to a fight), thats why I'm thinking it's better to start up now. It will be less painful this way if it goes wrong.

 

I think you'd be better off delaying until May, but you'll do what you want to do. You shouldn't rush these things.

[Beergoggles]

I think you'd be better off delaying until May, but you'll do what you want to do. You shouldn't rush these things.

 

I've never really thought of that as an option... You know how we dumpees get

 

But when you say it to me now, that is not such a bad idea at all! Right now he is insecure, I am insecure and the whole situation is kind of messed up. Maybe if we both get some time, we'll see how much this relationship actually mean to us and if it's worth saving.

[Beergoggles]

I think you'd be better off delaying until May, but you'll do what you want to do. You shouldn't rush these things.

 

One question though: in this situation (delaying it until may) should I be honest with him that I'm delaying it? Or should I just say that I need more time to myself and pretend it's not an option to try again?

[Simon Phoenix]

One question though: in this situation (delaying it until may) should I be honest with him that I'm delaying it? Or should I just say that I need more time to myself and pretend it's not an option to try again?

 

I'd say just say you both need more time and that when he gets back in town would be a more appropriate time to pursue this if you both decide you want to. But yeah, rushing into it now so you can possibly visit and sleep with him at his place is a terrible idea. You're not only rushing, but you're putting the cart way, way before the horse.

[Beergoggles]

I'd say just say you both need more time and that when he gets back in town would be a more appropriate time to pursue this if you both decide you want to. But yeah, rushing into it now so you can possibly visit and sleep with him at his place is a terrible idea. You're not only rushing, but you're putting the cart way, way before the horse.

 

Thank you SO, SO much, Simon! You've helped me more than I have imagined.

 

Maybe I would like to be single for the next 5 months anyway. I'm going on great trips to London, Milan and Copenhagen with friends, I'm at a great place mentally, and my work load at school is insane. If he really loves me, he'll understand that we both need some time apart from each other before we can try again.

[evanescentworld]

See? I told you he was good....

 

I would add also, that you should both agree to remain in No Contact until May.

Seriously, you don't need the distraction of the other person's breadcrumbs or tentative 'taps at the door'... right now, you both need time to reflect and decide upon what you really WANT to do; how you're going to tackle things eventually, and determine what to put right in your own camps.

 

And trust me - he has a whole lot more work to do, than you have, in most departments!

 

If you do delay until May - and it's a great idea - fix a date. make a definite rendevous, and mark it on your calendar.

That way, he has something definitive to work for.

 

But be warned: If he's not willing to put the time and effort in to showing he's definitely decided you're the one and he wants to make that exclusively official (or officially exclusive!) and he decides to casually date other women in the meantime (never say never....) then you'll know that his heart's not in it, he's 'failed the test', not worth your while and you dodged a bullet....

Untrustworthy.

Like I said, it's up to him to do the work, there. Not you.